Stay out of it - or mention something? WWYD

[Justthreewords]

I completed a beginner’s course in a sport. As part of the follow on course I was paired with the only other woman. She is a shy, very sweet 18-year-old who is quite beautiful and has a figure that would be the envy of many.

I have increasingly noticed that the members of the (all male) team seem quick to put hands on to adjust her. To be fair, the course requires assistance to correct aspects of posture and alignment. But what I have noticed over the last few weeks is that in my case (unattractive, overweight middle-aged woman) these exclusively have been done verbally and by the trainer alone. Not in a single instance has a member of the team had occasion to physically correct my alignment. Not once. Which being as we are at the very same skill standard is a bit sus.

Whereas with my fellow participant it seems anyone in the team will come up at any point, make a comment about her posture not being ‘quite right’ and jump in to, for want of a better term, man handling her.

I am beginning to get very uncomfortable with what appears to be a rather opportunistic and overt reason to lay hands on her dressed up as ‘help’. I can confirm absolutely that no hands stray, there is no touching outside of where hands should be, or flirting or suggestive comments at all - but at some point during a training session (3hrs) every single member of the team seems to have a compulsion to ‘adjust’ her in some way.

Now, before anyone screams ‘OOoooh hark at you – you are jealous’ the average age of the group is late fifties/early 60’s and not a single one of them is a patch on my partner! I do not care, want or need their attention.

I am not sure how to approach this either with the team or her – or if indeed I should? My partner is of the opinion that I should stay out of it and its for her to pipe up as she is on the reviving end (and might not be bothered at all). But I am very tempted to highlight to the trainer that the ‘help’ she is getting is actually contrary in most cases to what he’s training and suggest, tactfully, that any training or adjustments come through him alone to save confusion.

What do you think?

Thanks for the update. Not nice for you but the fact that it’s made her hyper aware is a win.

You did a good thing OP.

No good deed goes unpunished, OP.

I think you did the right thing and years from now, she will be grateful that you were looking out for her.

Sadly, I think I would’ve reacted very similarly to the 18 yo at her age. I was a pretty, slim, but shy teenager and got this slimy behaviour. I hated it, but would have rather died than admit I was bothered.

at that age, you are trying so hard to be grown up. I think she’s also embarrassed because you have noticed she’s being perved on and is doing nothing about it. This probably made her feel ashamed and a bit of a wimp.

FWIW - I remember older women calling out creepy men for me and I wish I’d thanked them more, and not been embarrassed that they’d made me feel awkward.( it was the men making me feel awkward- not them)

Im now a middle aged woman, but my teenage self thanks you OP!

You did the right thing OP.

She likely reacted defensively because she was embarrassed that it had been noticed and didn't want to cause a fuss. She could well think about it and realise you were just looking out for her.

Well done op.
At 18 I personally would have left the club the first time this happened.
But I have very good sense for this sort of thing.
As I child I cringed when I saw the way JS pawed the kids on this Tv show.

Update - She didn't come back. The coach (and the group as a whole) are a bit irritated with me as she didn't give a reason to him for not coming back but did say that I had 'something to do with it'

So I'm being given the silent treatment by the group at the moment as they seem to believe I took their toy away. (my words, not theirs)

I would mention that they caused this, but the right situation hasn't presented itself and frankly i don't think they will listen.

Sounds like it's time to find an activity without pervy men involved.

And in that case, I would absolutely inform them the reasons why. Probably won't make a difference to all of them, but maybe a couple will realise that their actions aren't acceptable and they were actually being creepy around her.

Good god! I’m so sorry this happened to you but I really think you did the right thing and she will know it (or let herself know it) eventually. As for you—if you get a benefit from this then keep going for lessons . If you don’t then speak to the trainer and let him know that he was not able to maintain a safe and non exploitative space for all the students.

To be honest, I would have reacted like her at that age. I would have been mortified that I was the cause that led to unpleasant accusations made when I was having a good time and felt accepted, even if genuine.

You said yourself that there was no inappropriate touching, just more than you believed to be needed. So what! Not everyone has to be uncomfortable with it. I wouldn't have been. A bit of flirting, so what. I had the same when I picked up golf, years later. Not inappropriate or uncomfortable, just maybe not necessary. Who knows!

You made assumption about her feelings with it all and that's where you went wrong. Not coming back seems a bit extreme but you did take a step too far about something that didn't concern you.

When I read your first post I was afraid she would be mortified.

Personally don't say anything first to the person being handled. Not to infantilise anybody but because saying something is my choice alone. See the Lucille Ball vid above, she never bothers asking the women if they're uncomfortable, she goes straight for the jugular.

I'm glad you've created an uncomfortable atmosphere, sulky babies they are, and I hope the young woman becomes much more aware of how many times she is unnecessarily touched.

The trainer needs to follow this up in a professional way.

I would be going straight to the manager of the centre and ask about their safeguarding policies and explain the situation.

The fact that they've referred to her as their 'toy' just confirms that you were absolutely right to be concerned.

I'm sorry she can't see it now but she will do. Or maybe she 'enjoyed' the attention. But the next person may not enjoy it and that is why this needs to be raised, now.

As a safeguarding officer, I would want to know about this.

It was OP who described her as their "toy" not them. But that doesn't make the OP's concerns any less valid and she should certainly be raising them. Maybe even more so if these men have turned on her as a result.

I think you've absolutely done the right thing- the fact that grown ass men are sulking because a gorgeous 18yo isn't there to be touched tells you that your assessment was correct. If they give you a hard time I'd throw it back on them and let them do a little self reflection (if they're capable of that)

Yes, she doesn’t ask because it’s wrong and needs calling out - the person on the receiving end of it saying it’s ok because they are on the spot doesn’t make it ok. I would have been the same at that age. I would have also felt like I was being accused of allowing it to happen, and that would have made me so uncomfortable. Not saying you were wrong OP, just crappy all round. I would definitely speak to the instructor if this happens again

You didn’t do anything wrong OP.

I bet this was archery!

You did the right thing. It just went the wrong way. I think we can cast aspersions as to why her response was as it was but that's not on you. Hope you're ok

I'd be telling whatever leader there is about why and leave it at that.

You acted as you could see the "touching " wasn't actually needed OP.

You done the right thing.

I think you were obviously well-intentioned but you went overboard. You shouldn't have said anything.

I don’t think you went overboard you did the right thing. Well done for talking to her.

Report it to the safeguarding person. They should want to address it.
If there isn't one or they're not interested, is your club a member of a governing body? E.g. Golf England. You can report it to them if there isn't an internal procedure or you

Ah, I just re-read it and you are of course correct. I initially read it as 'their words, not mine.'