To think 12yo DD could fly unaccompanied minor

[overwroughtmummy]

I have a daughter that lives in the USA with her other mum. We have an informal parenting agreement that we drew up when we divorced that says she comes to visit me and her younger siblings in the summer and Christmas holidays and that we split the costs 50/50.

We kept that up for the two years pre-Covid with either myself or my ex-wife chaperoning, then obviously during the lockdowns I missed out. Now travel has resumed and she came in the summers of 2021-2023 but didn’t come either Christmas because my ex said she couldn’t afford it. Until this year I had a little more disposable income/savings and we fell into a bad pattern where I would pay for the flights up front and my ex paid me back over time (sometimes taking 6 months plus). Now I can no longer afford to do that. Add on top of that the cost of flights going from just under £2k to now £3.5k and the general cost of living it’s become unaffordable for either of us to fly her out here twice a year.

DD is 12 and now very used to airports and flying. I’ve suggested that DD could fly as an unaccompanied minor as this would almost cut the costs by two thirds (it would remove a return flight on each end of her trip, but add £100-200 unaccompanied minor fees) but when I mention it I get shut down. It would mean either a connecting flight or my ex driving her a couple of hours to the nearest airport with direct flights. But a four hour round trip on each end is very different to 48h of flying back and forth and two days annual leave on each end to travel and recover, and would save both of us a couple of thousand pounds a year.

Ex wife is terrified of flying, and very overprotective so I think this is playing in here. But I’m now only getting to see DD for a few weeks a year as there’s always some reason why she can’t come for the whole summer and that’s neither what we agreed or good for maintaining my relationship with DD.

Tldr/ AIBU to think that 12yo DD who is an experienced flyer could fly USA-UK as an unaccompanied minor with a paid airline chaperone?

If you’re no longer able to agree between yourselves then it sounds as though you need to formalise the parenting access arrangements, with a court order which states when DC should be made available and that your ex allow her to fly unaccompanied if she won’t accompany her. If the airline allows it then yes, she can fly accompanied.

Not unreasonable at all. Most airlines offer a chaperone service for unaccompanied minors although you need to look into the costs as some charge an adult fare so it might not be as cheap as you think. It’s really down to whether your child feels comfortable making the flight alone, no one else’s anxiety, and the fact that you can both maintain your bond. Nothing beats spending IRL time together, not all the FaceTimes in the world.

This is a good article: https://help.flightcentre.co.uk/s/article/children-travelling-alone-uk#HowOldDoesMyChildHaveToBeToFlyAlone

Not unreasonable if your DD is happy to do it, but connecting and long haul flights can be overwhelming even for some grown ups, so I wouldn't say it was a given that a 12 yo would or should be happy doing it.

YANBU, your solution is totally sensible.

Also, the fact that your ex is afraid of flying is neither here nor there. Your DD is no more likely to be in accident while flying alone as she would be while flying with you.

Are you sure the airline will let a 12year old fly alone? I thought they had to be 14 to fly without an adult.

Completely reasonable. She is experienced with flying and you'll be paying for the service to accompany her. So any changes etc the airline will make sure she is accompanied and fine.

I saw an 8 year old flying like this a couple of years ago to the states and he seemed very well looked after by the airline and the little boy seemed happy with it all and looked like he too had probably done it a number of times already.
As long as dd is happy to do that, it makes total sense.

I flew as an unaccompanied minor a fair bit as a kid, between home and my grandparents for holidays. I never felt scared or in any kind of danger, you were taken from A to B and looked after, and all the cabin crew were always lovely (this was in the days when you got free in flight meals, and they also got me extra chocolates!).

Each airline has their own policy, BA says over 14 but Cathy Pacific allow 6-18 under their chaperone service. There’s no actual law (impossible given the international nature of flying and multiple jurisdictions).

I used to do this at a younger age ( plus my younger sibling) . Long haul 12 hours - but direct flights. I don’t recall being worried about it so we must have been well looked after.

A child in our family had just done unaccompanied minor LA to Heathrow and back no problem. Age 9.

The 12yos feeings are the most important here. It is a long way.

Maybe suggest flying an adult on the way to the UK, and Unaccompanied back this year.

I appreciate the advantage but no I would not want a 12 year old girl travelling alone. Too many variables and risks in my mind - would she even want to ?

I know they say they accompany them and look after them but from some family experience there are gaps..

The only time I have been aware of children flying as UMs was on a flight from Heathrow to Sydney and the children involved were much younger than 12 and seemed to be perfectly happy and well looked after. That flight involved a refuelling stop in Bangkok and, as it turned out, a 23 hour delay. The children seemed absolutely fine with it

I flew long haul from the age of 8 as an unaccompanied minor with no problems but I don't think your DD is the problem. You have to convince your exDP.

Seems sensible given the time and money involved in accompanying her as long as she is comfortable with it.

I used to fly alone at that age quite frequently (and younger in fact). I loved it.

I used to fly from one parent in Scotland to the other in England unaccompanied twice a year since around 10 years old.

I’m nearly 40 and still in therapy for it 🤷‍♀️ I found it hugely traumatising, on many levels.

Have you read Matthew Perry’s memoir? He discusses his trauma over this exact thing also. He flew between Canada and the USA unaccompanied for parental visitation. He nearly titled his book Unaccompanied Minor.

None of the practicalities actually matter anywhere near as much as how you’re DD will feel about this. Abandoned? Not worth the hassle of being accompanied? Anxious? Scared during turbulence? Lonely and exhausted if her flight is delayed?

BTW I “seemed absolutely fine with it” at the time. It wasn’t until I had a catastrophic panic attack on a plane 15 years later while going on a plane with a boyfriend that I realised I had never been fine with it.

I only know 2 unaccompanied minors (myself and Matthew Perry 😂) &but I’m sure there are others who are fine. Although I imagine the vast majority travel with siblings, not completely alone.

My kids flew alone from a fairly early age and it was fine. Are you sure though that the issue is they flying and it's not that the 12 year old doesn't want to be away from home for the whole summer? I know when my kids were pre-teen/teens they would not want to be without their friends for the entire summer. That's when they had time to have fun.

Would it make more sense if you went over to the US and spent time with her there some of the times? I understand the importance of you having a relationship with her as well, but it sounds like you are expecting her to spend months with you when the UK is not where she lives.

The age limit is higher than it used to be (I did it at 8) so check the airlines before you argue about it

But yes, it’s a very sensible solution. She will be quite safe.

Oh and as a PP mentioned I was alone 90% of the time. Absolutely not chaperoned. Someone walked me from security to the gate and that was it. They told me to wait to get off the plane last so they could make sure I got off ok. Honestly that was it though.

Totally fine, particularly with a chaperone service. In fact, I would sat it’s probably safer than catching the public bus to school (depending on where you live!)

Also BINGO!!!!

Sorry to trauma dump 😂 but absolutely this. Being uprooted constantly, especially between countries, because of your parents bullshit is fucking awful.

Completely reasonable, most of the US airlines allow it from around 5, which I don’t think I’d allow but of course a 12YO will be fine. It’s normal for the stateside parent to get a ‘gate pass’ so they accompany DC right up until the flight is boarding and then they get handed over to the gate agent who takes them onto the plane where they’re normally seated as close to the crew areas/galley as possible. Not sure how it works on the other end though as we always did the US drop.

My DD is desperate to take a UM flight like her cousins did when they came to us and we’ve agreed she can do London to France to visit family there next year once she’s 7.

@PeppermintMandy

I am really sorry you (and M Perry) had that experience, but for balance I flew alone from 8, as did many kids I knew (boarding school/expats) and I don’t remember anyone having any trouble with it. I don’t remember anything much about it when I was younger, but by 11 I took great pleasure in being in a slightly grown up position.

I think unless something else in the family set up was amiss, or the child is anxious to an above average degree, it’s unlikely to be a significant experience.

I did it when I was 13 and almost missed my flight!