DP behaviour. Aibu to this is behaviour is abusive?

[Pineapplesquares]

Atm I'm doing alot of work in my counselling on boundaries because tbh I've never had any or if I did I let people trample on them. This has resulted in me having previous abusive relationships etc. I've done so much work on myself over the 6 years since I left my DC dad.
This brings us to yesterday. In my counselling session I said I felt angry that people try to blame me when I set a boundary and try to put myself first for once.

I had spoken to DP on the phone earlier and we only get 1 night together every other weekend. However this weekend I need to do a carboot for money and declutter purposes. I said I wouldn't be able to stay this weekend as need to be up early to be there for 6am. We live 40 mins apart and I'd have to travel there with all my stuff in the car and wake up before 5am to get there if I stayed at DP.
She didn't like the fact I said this and told me I was being selfish and not putting them first. However last Friday DP had a child free night and I'd excitedly asked if they wanted to come to an event with me and DC. She said no and went out with her friend. I was supportive and said yea sure you're friend needs you atm.

Today after the first carboot chat she sent me some holiday date messages. I was just about to go in to my counselling appointment and then I went food shopping so in all about 2 hours I didn't text back. She deleted the messages and said she felt I didn't care about her. I explained I had been busy. She then said she didn't like it when I got annoyed about the not staying at hers chat earlier. I told her that she had made me feel selfish for doing a carboot and I said I'm fed up of always being made to feel bad when I put myself first. She replied do what you want, this isn't working and hasn't spoken to me since.
Aibu to think this is abusive? Even though I've done the work I worry I still don't recognise the signs.

This

@yellowsmileyface excellent posts.

@Pineapplesquares the silent treatment itself is abusive. She sounds like a pain.
You don't need a reason to end a relationship.

Ah feeling anxious. She has been messaging me saying how she feels I don't bother etc. All I've done our whole relationship is run after her. Run to hers, gave up all my child free time to be with her. Even stopped doing my hobby. Now I'm taking that time back and doing more of what I want to do now she doesn't like it.
Always makes me feel I'm in the wrong. Always. I've told her I'm busy Saturday now as she told me she doesn't think it's working because she's now said she will stay at mine even though she said she didn't want to in the beginning. Her reaction to this is to say she doesn't know where this leaves us and she's now busy the whole weekend

I wouldn’t say abusive based on your Op. just a bit dramatic and a bit self centred.

🚩red flags op. I'd leave, couldn't be dealing with this nonsense at my age. I'd rather be single

Why are you still talking to her? This relationship needs to end already.

I think the problem might be that whilst you are working at being more assertive eg putting boundaries in place, you don't seem to have mastered dealing with conflict. For me, I accept that conflict within a relationship is inevitable at some stage and being able to manage these occurances is critical to the success of the relationship.
You've prioritised the car boot sale over you 2. That's OK, but don't pretend otherwise. If you wanted to see her enough you would. Invite her to yours for the evening or even to the car boot. She had a child free evening. She preferred to do something 'adult' and go out with friend rather than be with you and your child. That's fair enough.
You both sound very needy. You get a night a fortnight together. You don't live together or share children. Enjoy it for what it is and don't be looking for a soul mate with a shared vision....or do, and accept its not her.

Honestly OP, this relationship sounds like very hard work. Are you getting anything positive out of it at all?

It's so great you are doing work on yourself and boundaries. Maybe you should finish that work before getting involved with someone. Your present DP is leaving you "walking on eggshells" which is the absolute opposite of how a DP is supposed to make you feel.

You don’t need to feel anxious, OP. You can and should break up with her. Wanting to end it is a good enough reason, it doesn’t have to be about what the other person has done or not done.

Message to say you agree with her, it isn’t working, and you’re ending it. You honestly never have to see her again.

I guess a part of me also feels guilty on my DC because he's really likes her and her DC. There's so much going on in his life atm with his dad taking me to court I guess I feel bad on him.
We are also supoose to be going away for 4 nights next week with my family too.

Honestly, life is too short for this drama. You don’t sound happy and you deserve so much better.

Don't feel guilty, your DC will prefer a happy relaxed parent. Plus the holiday she just doesn't come ... because your breaking up with her. She isn't good for you.

Whilst how your DC feel about your partner is important, it's not enough of a reason to continue things if you're not happy.

As for the holiday, to be honest there will always be future plans that makes it feel more difficult to end things. I've been there, where I'd continuously think "I can't end things now because this event is coming up, I'll wait until after", and then more things would get planned and I felt trapped in a cycle of never-ending events. Trips, concerts, weddings, birthdays... it all seems so trivial now.

I really feel if you take her on this holiday with you, there will probably be drama and tense atmospheres. I know it might feel harsh to end things right beforehand, but I honestly think you'd be glad and relieved that you did.

This is it I feel trapped in a cycle of events coming up. She's spoken about us living together and I can confidently say I do not wish to live with her. I near it wouldn't be a nice environment.
Also agree with you and think this holiday she would cause drama. Every holiday we have been on in the past has been some kind of drama. Always!

Your counselling is helping because you are beginning to recognise red flags. Your partner sounds controlling & selfish. You could be much happier with a partner who supports you. A loving partner puts YOU first. Don't accept it, move on she won't change. People never do.