DP behaviour. Aibu to this is behaviour is abusive?

[Pineapplesquares]

Atm I'm doing alot of work in my counselling on boundaries because tbh I've never had any or if I did I let people trample on them. This has resulted in me having previous abusive relationships etc. I've done so much work on myself over the 6 years since I left my DC dad.
This brings us to yesterday. In my counselling session I said I felt angry that people try to blame me when I set a boundary and try to put myself first for once.

I had spoken to DP on the phone earlier and we only get 1 night together every other weekend. However this weekend I need to do a carboot for money and declutter purposes. I said I wouldn't be able to stay this weekend as need to be up early to be there for 6am. We live 40 mins apart and I'd have to travel there with all my stuff in the car and wake up before 5am to get there if I stayed at DP.
She didn't like the fact I said this and told me I was being selfish and not putting them first. However last Friday DP had a child free night and I'd excitedly asked if they wanted to come to an event with me and DC. She said no and went out with her friend. I was supportive and said yea sure you're friend needs you atm.

Today after the first carboot chat she sent me some holiday date messages. I was just about to go in to my counselling appointment and then I went food shopping so in all about 2 hours I didn't text back. She deleted the messages and said she felt I didn't care about her. I explained I had been busy. She then said she didn't like it when I got annoyed about the not staying at hers chat earlier. I told her that she had made me feel selfish for doing a carboot and I said I'm fed up of always being made to feel bad when I put myself first. She replied do what you want, this isn't working and hasn't spoken to me since.
Aibu to think this is abusive? Even though I've done the work I worry I still don't recognise the signs.

Too much drama in the relationship. The bad times seem to outweigh the good. She sounds manipulative and controlling. You should move on.

Just received a message from her. No apology just that they feel sick and they are at work crying because they feel sick. That's it. This normally happens she pretends she wasn't mean and returns to normal

I think the word 'abusive' is OTT. She just sounds a bit difficult. Tbh, you sound like you are aware of your own boundaries, which is good, but maybe aren't appreciating that other people are allowed theirs too. If I only saw my partner once a fortnight and they cancelled to do a car boot sale, of all things, I wouldn't think they were prioritising the relationship either.

She is 1000% abusive. Dump her

I put above that we don't see each other only once a fortnight. I see her every weekend and I would still see her this weekend just not overnight

No I don't think its abusive. I think the word is very overused on here when what people really mean is unreasonable or having a different boundary to their own.
I would feel the same way as your partner over the car boot as if you only have one night a fortnight then I'd be disappointed if my partner didn't prioritise it.
Your unexpected free night isn't the same, precisely because it was unexpected and people make other plans.
Her deleting the messages was a childish display of temper rooted in her anger over the car boot situation. It's not an ideal way of dealing with conflict. Neither is saying its over (unless she means it) and its up to you to decide if her good points outweigh the bad in this, presuming you get a choice.

Ok, that wasn't clear to me.

She's still allowed to be upset at not seeing you, and either of you is free at any time to make a decision that it's not working.

I just don't think she sounds abusive.

If you both want different things/ have different expectations that won't match, perhaps it's time to move on.

You should reply yes, this isn't working because you're a fucking nutcase then have nothing more to do with her.

She sounds demanding, childish, self-absorbed and overpowering. I'd say let this one go or you'll end up in a horrible relationship.

Sounds very dramatic and fishing for sympathy!

Based on your first post I wouldn't say she's abusive as such, but giving the silent treatment is absolutely emotional abuse. To basically break up with you and now act like she didn't is also emotional abuse.

She sounds like hard work and yes, there is some abusive behaviour, so you'd probably be better off without her.

I don't think she is allowed to be 'upset' at not seeing you. She knew why, the logistics just didn't work and that was explained to her. You didn't sign a contract promising to put her above all else in every circumstance...you are an individual with your own agenda. She is behaving as though you owe her servitude. Tell her to fuck off.

Manipulative and childish. Wah wah wah. Me me me.

Could NOT be entertaining this.

Also agree that much of it is emotionally abusive.

She has also admitted to me numerous times she likes things her way and to be in control. The last time I stayed at hers 2 weeks ago (the first time in 3 months due to my DC contact) I felt unwelcomed. I felt everything I did was wrong and felt like I was walking on eggshells. I didn't enjoy staying at hers.

So put paid to it. Why on earth are you hanging on in there?

So stop doing it. Well done on the counselling and working on your boundaries, there's a pretty good shortcut to working out if something is ok or not. Asking yourself does it feel ok, or not? If something does not feel ok to you, it's not ok for you, and that is what matters. It doesn't matter whether a thousand people tell you that this relationship is absolutely fine. All that matters is that you can listen to your own internal voice and believe it. If you as a child have been taught to ignore yourself because that's what worked for the adults around you, you will have to re learn, but it can be done.

She replied do what you want, this isn't working

I'd take her at her word.

It sounds like you don’t actually want to be in a relationship with her, her behaviour in your updates sounds quite controlling and she sounds very insecure and immature, she’s broken up with you so just stick with it, doesn’t sound like you were happy before this anyway.

So, you feel uncomfortable at her house, she's admitted she likes everything her way, she throws a tantrum if you don't instantly reply to messages even though you have other things you need to do, she demands you drop everything to see her even though she won't extend the same courtesy to you, and she turns all this into a massive drama? Why on Earth are you dating this woman? She's a fucking nightmare. Get rid. She's awful.

Personally I think she sounds extremely controlling and possibly emotionally abusive, but you do realise relationship doesn't have to be 'abusive' to be wrong for you, don't you? If someone makes you feel on edge or behaves in a way you feel is unreasonable or annoying or difficult, you don't have to remain in that relationship. if she's behaving like this when she only sees you once a fortnight, things are really not going to improve. She's not right for you and the dynamic between you isn't healthy.

Oh for god's sake, dump her. And then block her. She's a selfish, manipulative drama queen who behaves like a 12-year-old. Ugh.

So she's basically admitted she's controlling. No relationship is worth feeling like you have to walk on eggshells. Life is meant to be enjoyed, and a partner is meant to enhance that, not cause endless stress.

Do you even want to be with this woman? Are you aware you can end it? I don't mean this to sound patronising, but when we have trouble with boundaries, we often feel like we need a really strong reason to end things.

There is nothing worth staying for here.

Dump her before you get further entangled like moving in together.

She’s a selfish, controlling twat.

OP just tell her you agree with her that this isn't working and you won't be getting in contact with her again. It may be sad but you said yourself that you don't even enjoy seeing her anymore, what are you getting out of the relationship? You don't need a special excuse or watertight justification, it sounds like it's making neither of you happy.

This is exactly it. I feel like is this a strong enough reason?
So many times I've said to myself no this isn't OK but then I just don't walk away. I don't know why I can't just walk away.
In previous relationships I've just taken so much and then it's like I snap and say enough is enough and finally leave.

OP, she is a controlling nasty bully.

Why are you tolerating this?

This is not healthy.

What you have listed out is awful behaviour which you continually accept.

She wants to move on so has text you she is sick, having blocked you, so things can carry on.

This is the way it will be until you say you are done, no more.

She is not nice and kind and you are still choosing badly.

Be brave.

If you want a better life, make better choices.

Dump her.

You deserve better.

What you've stated here is absolutely unequivocally enough of a reason to end things.

It's important in relationships to listen to how you're feeling, more so than their specific actions. You're waiting for her to do something so terrible you finally feel you have permission to leave, but the fact you really didn't enjoy staying at her place is a massive sign you're not right for each other. Don't let it get to the point that you snap.