To have asked my husband to leave tonight

[Whattodonext12]

I’m sat here, wide awake in complete denial and regret for having done so but I cannot take any more of the awful things and ways my husband treats me. Over the years I’ve been told I have cankles, that I am ugly. I am called a cunt often for the smallest of triggers (missed a turn on sat nav when directing etc). When our DD was born I forgot her woolly hat, so we had to turn back down the street, he sighed and said for fucks sake and didn’t speak to me for the rest of the journey. I am constantly made to feel like I irritate him just for being me which has led to me behaving in a way that ensures I won’t irritate him (e.g. not buying as much as I would normally in a supermarket if he is waiting as I know he’ll get angry and swear at me).

Leaving him had already been on my mind but it came to a head sooner tonight. DC2 would not settle with him at bedtime, so I went in. He refused to move and was frustrated that I had backed down on him doing bedtime. I explained it was late etc, he told me to ducking choke as he left the room under his breath. As I got into bed DC (3) told me that daddy had put his hand over their mouth (as if to shush them) and had acted mad when they were crying. I went downstairs to confront him, he told me I was poisonous and blamed me. He denied the hand over mouth. I told him to keep noise down and he walked up to me in hallways and called me a cunt. I went upstairs cuddled my child and sent him a message instructing him to leave.

He is generally a good dad, but recently and more and more he is modelling his irritation of me in front of kids. My toddler child repeated him and called me an embarrassment the other day and has started using the same disrespectful phrases husband does to me during the day. I feel numb and already mourning for the family unit I have always craved. Where do I go next, do I try marriage counselling? Do I give him the option to seek help for his anger and inability to manage his emotions? My priority is protecting my children. I don’t even care about me. Please be kind in so anxious and have to hold it together for my babies in a few hours.

I think you’ve done exactly the right thing. Life can only get better for you and your children from now on.

Read your own post again tomorrow. Imagine it was written by a friend of yours. What would be your advice?

Massive well done for telling him to leave.

He isn't a good father if he treats their mother like shit.

The hand over the child's motmuth is horrifying.

Stay strong and don't let him back in. You and your children will be better off by far.

he's a nasty bully and you'll look back on your strong decision years from now and be glad you acted when you did

He is generally a good dad

Sorry OP, but you’ve got to get this ^^ out of your head.

He is NOT a good father. He is a terrible father. It doesn’t matter how he might treat his kids - if he treated their mother this badly, especially (but not confined to) in front of them, he’s a terrible father.

Do you know how many times DH has called me a cunt? Or said ‘FFS’ about me? Never. And that’s never at all, not just not in front of the kids.

Please leave him and stay gone. He hates you - so you’re not only doing yourself a massive favour, but you’re doing him one too. You deserve so, so much better.

OP, this is coercive control/domestic abuse. You cannot stay with a man who calls you a cunt, makes you feel you have to tiptoe around him, and puts their hand over their child’a mouth to shut them up at night.

This is not a good partner or a good father you are describing. I’m so sorry, I know it’s really hard to come to terms with that, I’ve been through it myself. Don’t go back on this decision, you will thank yourself for sticking with this path in the future.

Do NOT go for marriage counselling, it cannot work where there is an abusive dynamic. Just focus on getting yourself and your kids free and in a peaceful safe place for now. It doesn’t stop him seeking help for his anger if that’s something he wants to do (you don’t need to “give him the option”, he already has it), but give yourself and the kids a safe and peaceful space away from him WHILE he is doing that in a best case scenario.

Call the national domestic abuse helpline for advice as to what to do next, it’s manned 24/7. Tel 08082000247. And once things are more settled I really recommend the freedom programme https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

Have a look at this link about the cycle of abuse. You are describing it perfectly. https://hubbardhouse.wordpress.com/2010/10/15/the-cycle-of-abuse/

If you think you don't matter in all this you are wrong. You can't protect your children if you don't look after yourself. You are not describing a good dad, partner, or relationship. Get some real world support and keep yourself safe.

You did the right thing. Stay strong, OP. Do not let him back in your life.

You have asked him to leave by text. Has he responded? Has he gone from the house yet?

Someone so abusive to you may not leave so easily. So as others have said speak to the relevant organisations and get your ducks in a row.

And remember, you are doing the right thing. Do not back down no matter what he says in the coming days. You deserve so much better than him in your life! Say this to yourself every single day.

Stay strong!

The only person you need to see is a solicitor to guide you through a divorce.

Your husband is an abusive monster. You never, ever go to counselling with an abusive partner.

Children are vulnerable and pick up behavioural characteristics. So in order to protect your children you absolutely must separate. It's far from easy and you need to stay strong. Do not back down, whatever promises are made.
If your future child came to you with this you would help them to leave.
This is no relationship. You will heal from this after time and thank yourself for tanking this step. Stay brave. Seek real life support. Tell friends/family....they will keep you going

A counsellor can't stop someone being a horrendous excuse for a human or counsel them to not cover their toddler's mouth - that's horrifying. Please leave as soon as it's safe if he won't leave. I would contact police, change locks, have a large male family member of friend immediately come to stay with you if you can't go elsewhere. Please be brave and create a life away from this awful man.

Oh, I'm so sorry. This sounds soul-destroying, and of course your children will absorb the cruelty. If this goes on, it will become their normality so they'll naturally seek to replicate it in their other relationships.

You're not only saving them, but what's left of your self

I second the recommendation to Freedom Programme.

Assuming he won't just helpfully absent himself, have you somewhere to go with DC? A week or two may start clearing your head and will give you some space to organise yourself, get help, etc.

Wishing you good friends and a following wind.

He is not a good father. He is not a good partner. He is not a good man. A good man wouldn't behave this way - don't let him come back.

Has he left? Sad to say but I doubt he’ll just leave the house. You need to take legal advice and report the mouth incident plus the abuse to the HV or gp so it’s on record.

You’ve done the right thing, 100%. Your toddler is already mimicking him, do you want your toddler growing up to tear his future wide the way your h treats you? Also As the kids get older he is going to me more and more likely to treat them as he does you.

So sorry you've gone through this but you've done the right thing. Hope he's left and gets the help he needs.

He's a fucking terrible father. He put his hand over your child's mouth. What could have happened if you hadn't come in?

Your child is THREE. Little more than a baby. What if he'd gone a bit too far, pressed a little too hard on your innocent little child's face?

This is how children get hurt by their abusive fathers. Protect your children, no more second chances or counselling. Time for him to leave for good.

Tell someone in real life what happened tonight. Hopefully there's someone who can stay strong if you waver, and help you keep him out.

The hand over the mouth incident is horrifying. That needs recording. I'd report it to the police. It's a very short step from there to him losing his temper one day and doing permanent damage.

He is anything but a good dad.

So sorry OP - what a dreadful person your DH is. You’ve done the right thing - 100%. He is categorically not a good person, not a good father and not a good husband.

Oh god! No “good father” EVER speaks to the mother of his children that way. He is horribly abusive, has extreme control issues and is frightening you and your children. He is a horrible, horrible man who doesn’t LIKE you, let alone love you. Getting him out will be the best thing you ever did!

You’ve done the right thing OP. Gather support around you from your parents, friends, anyone who can be there. Tell them about his behaviour. Maybe someone can stay with you for a bit while you get back on your feet? He’s abusive, you are without question better off without him.

Is there anyone who can help, parents, friends etc? He needs to leave asap. He is not a good father at all, he is controlling and abusive.

Well done, you’ve done the right thing. Why stay with someone who hates you (or behaves as though they hate you?). Even if there are times that feel hard as a single parent at least you won’t have to put up with his appalling attitude. My ex used to treat me like the enemy and I got fed up with it and left (with our children). That was twenty years ago and I don’t regret it for a second.