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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

How to support a friend when her partner is beyond disgusting

40 replies

GwinCoch · 10/07/2023 23:41

Barbecue two weeks ago, knew about half the people there and was hosted by my friend who is lovely. Her new boyfriend rocks up, pissed out of his skull. I did my best to keep out of his way but when I was in the kitchen sorting out the salad he came to talk to me. In the space of five minutes he told me he had been kicked out of the Labour Party and would deal drugs were it not for the fact he has two kids (from an earlier relationship) and didn’t want to go to prison. I didn’t want to know any of that or engage in a conversation with him… so I said: “Well not my kind of thing, let’s take the food outside.” And he just shouted “FUCK YOU!” and stormed away. He’s not put together I know that much so I didn’t get upset, people can be twats at times. But later in the evening he was really disgusting to everyone else there, lots of swearing and telling us he hated us, despite not knowing us, and two of us stayed the night in the house to make sure she was safe. I left very early because I had to get a train the next day and my friend who was left behind is brilliant and sensible and sent me a text saying: “Apparently he remembers nothing!” Bullshit obviously. They’re still together two weeks later and have adopted a dog (really?!) and I am trying to navigate how to support her without having anything to do with him. Our mutual friend is moving to Miami next week so I don’t have him to rely on, so I need a coping mechanism, without cutting her off. Hope this makes sense, because I am still reeling from how gross a person can be.

OP posts:
Mopbucketmoo · 11/07/2023 00:29

What has your friend said about him before you met him?
I don't want to make excuses but maybe he can't handle his drink, i had an ex like this. Ok when sober but horrible pig headed drunk hence why he's now an ex, socialising was a nightmare

Hawkins0001 · 11/07/2023 00:31

What type of class is the bf from?

Merryoldgoat · 11/07/2023 00:32

He’s already like that after 2 weeks? She’s an idiot and I’m afraid I’d have less patience than you.

Merryoldgoat · 11/07/2023 00:33

Sorry I misread them as having been together 2 weeks.

Threenow · 11/07/2023 01:01

Has she actually asked for support?

Lolasgame · 11/07/2023 01:54

Leave her to it she’s an adult. New boyfriend = no ties. If she disliked him or his behaviour towards others she would of give him the boot by now.

GwinCoch · 11/07/2023 03:48

Mopbucketmoo · 11/07/2023 00:29

What has your friend said about him before you met him?
I don't want to make excuses but maybe he can't handle his drink, i had an ex like this. Ok when sober but horrible pig headed drunk hence why he's now an ex, socialising was a nightmare

Thanks for responding - apparently he hasn’t been like this before and she was horrified too. But the day after they they both acted like nothing happened as he couldn’t remember it. I find that weird and not OK. He was shouting at people he has never met before.

OP posts:
GwinCoch · 11/07/2023 03:54

Hawkins0001 · 11/07/2023 00:31

What type of class is the bf from?

I have no idea. I just told you what he said, which was loud and obnoxious, maybe choose for yourself what you think he is. I gave as much detail as I could to assist with people’s views and what literally happened. If you want to equate his shitty behaviour to a political persuasion then you crack on. If you’re not trying to help me and just trying to stir up a class war then jog on.

OP posts:
GwinCoch · 11/07/2023 04:00

Threenow · 11/07/2023 01:01

Has she actually asked for support?

Yes and no. Two of us stayed behind to make sure she was safe. He kept threatening to leave (good, piss off!) and the mutual friend and I stayed on the sofa. Mutual friend is moving to Miami shortly to be with his partner and we need to have a chat about what to do. I think it will be down to me and frankly I know she has missed having a partner, but as I feel right now I wouldn’t piss on him if he was on fire. Genuine bad egg.

OP posts:
GwinCoch · 11/07/2023 04:02

Lolasgame · 11/07/2023 01:54

Leave her to it she’s an adult. New boyfriend = no ties. If she disliked him or his behaviour towards others she would of give him the boot by now.

Very fair point, but I think she’s in a bit of a white knight phase. I never want to see him again, but want to protect her.

OP posts:
lemmein · 11/07/2023 04:08

Hawkins0001 · 11/07/2023 00:31

What type of class is the bf from?

What a weird fucking question!

PieonaBarm · 11/07/2023 04:10

Has she asked for a Claire's Law disclosure? You can request one for her. I'd absolutely do this. Google Claire's Law and your local Police force and it will explain it all

GwinCoch · 11/07/2023 04:25

lemmein · 11/07/2023 04:08

What a weird fucking question!

Trying to needle me I think. Not sure what I did to piss them off before but probably trying to get at me in a cowardly fashion. If they are going to make this about poverty (not ‘class’) they will be waiting until the cows come home. I’m from Sirhowy, we are dirt poor!

OP posts:
GwinCoch · 11/07/2023 04:27

PieonaBarm · 11/07/2023 04:10

Has she asked for a Claire's Law disclosure? You can request one for her. I'd absolutely do this. Google Claire's Law and your local Police force and it will explain it all

That’s so incredibly helpful, I remember the case that bought it into law. I just didn’t know if I could do it myself. I’ll have a chat to Gwent Police, thank you.

OP posts:
Aubree17 · 11/07/2023 06:36

If she's only been seeing him a short time I'm sure she will see his true colours soon enough!

The best thing you can do is be there to listen. The Claire's law report is a good idea but I think that needs to be instigated from her and not you. I would wait until she raises concerns about him and suggest it.

I fear if you raise concerns on him now it may backfire on your friendship.

SullysBabyMama · 11/07/2023 06:44

Claire’s Law does not need to be instigated from her, someone else did it on my behalf in the past.
I would definitely do this and include information about this evening and her behaviour the next day (playing along with his idea that nothing happened) on the application.
She almost certainly won’t tell you when/if the police speak to her about if he is a safe person to be in a relationship with, but at least you know you have provided her with as much knowledge as possible.

Whatwaste · 11/07/2023 07:22

I keep my nose out of my friend's relationships, unless I'm asked directly for advice. It's their business and their choice.

Just do nothing, be there for her when she does dump him/he leaves her.

GwinCoch · 11/07/2023 16:45

Whatwaste · 11/07/2023 07:22

I keep my nose out of my friend's relationships, unless I'm asked directly for advice. It's their business and their choice.

Just do nothing, be there for her when she does dump him/he leaves her.

Well we did have an open conversation about his behaviour and she acknowledged it was appalling that day so I’m not exactly on the outskirts here. I just don’t believe in being a bystander when there is a dangerous situation. And I do think he is dangerous - he’s aggressive, he’s unstable and he’s unrepentant.

OP posts:
GwinCoch · 11/07/2023 16:50

SullysBabyMama · 11/07/2023 06:44

Claire’s Law does not need to be instigated from her, someone else did it on my behalf in the past.
I would definitely do this and include information about this evening and her behaviour the next day (playing along with his idea that nothing happened) on the application.
She almost certainly won’t tell you when/if the police speak to her about if he is a safe person to be in a relationship with, but at least you know you have provided her with as much knowledge as possible.

Thank you, this is really helpful. I have never thought to do this with any of my friend’s relationships before but he’s a volatile asshole. I got a taxi home the next morning and got them to pick me up from the end of the road as it was early and I didn’t want to wake them. The taxi driver asked if I was OK as (a) it was 6am and (b) I wasn’t asking to be picked up from an address. I said I was and that I didn’t want to wake people at STREET NUMBER
and he said. “No worries - we go there quite a lot.” I said: “Yeah her boyfriend takes cabs frequently.” And the cab driver said: “Is he the one that works at PUB NAME? He’s a nutter.”

OP posts:
Vitriolinsanity · 11/07/2023 20:20

I tell you this from bitter experience. Let it run its course. Right now nothing you say will influence the outcome, and she might just dig in.

Be patient, wait with a net to catch her.

CandyLeBonBon · 11/07/2023 20:22

Sorry op, I don't understand this sentence:

"...He’s not put together I know that much so I didn’t get upset, people can be twats at times..."

Can you explain a bit more what you mean?

SullysBabyMama · 11/07/2023 20:29

Oh dear, worrying that the taxi driver remembers him and described him that way.

GwinCoch · 11/07/2023 20:29

CandyLeBonBon · 11/07/2023 20:22

Sorry op, I don't understand this sentence:

"...He’s not put together I know that much so I didn’t get upset, people can be twats at times..."

Can you explain a bit more what you mean?

Happy to clarify, maybe I didn’t express myself well. I don’t think you need me to explain the twats part though?

There were two moments where he seemed to be distressed in himself and I took him to the bottom of the garden to chat it through because he was really upsetting people. I just sat him down and asked if I could do anything to help. He was very calm for two minutes and then switched to ranting and raving (without me having said anything) so he goes from cold to hot in seconds, so for me that’s not put together. The second time he as overly obsessing over a photo of his ex - showed me it on his phone, saying that she was an angel and amazing -and then, in literally the next breath, said that she deserved to die and that he hoped it would happen soon. Mother of his two girls.

Maybe my terminology isn’t correct but that’s disjointed behaviour isn’t it?

OP posts:
GwinCoch · 11/07/2023 20:30

SullysBabyMama · 11/07/2023 20:29

Oh dear, worrying that the taxi driver remembers him and described him that way.

I was gobsmacked.

OP posts:
Findyourneutralspace · 11/07/2023 20:34

Definitely do a Clare’s Law application for her. There are a lot of red flags and it sounds like he has a reputation. You’re a good friend to her.

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