To ask why your marriage ended?

[Hotsaucehot]

How did you know it was the end? Was it a long time coming or sudden? Anything that helped to make it clearer?

Been in an extremely rough patch for 2 years now, wondering when to call it a day…

Knew deep down early on. Just knew his behaviour and attitudes were red flags. Wish I'd acted on these feelings took 12 years but been free of it for much longer than that now. Whatever the reason, if you know deep down its not right for you, cut your losses. Neither can be happy otherwise and life's just too short.

I’m still married, but we live together as house mates. Separate rooms, not had sex for about 3 years, no affection at all.
For me, it was death by a thousand cuts. He spent some money on something I wouldn’t have agreed to, and he knew it so he did it behind my back. He never did anything about his ED. He has said several times he will cut down/stop drinking, he never does. He lies a lot. I find him quite lazy, he has never done anything like 50% since he retired, even though I’m still working.
I wish I’d gone years ago, when I still had a sex drive. I had to go without sex because he decided so.

Thank you both.

@DustyLee123 this sounds like us tbh in terms of the housemates situation ( though we are in our thirties not not near retirement yet). Can I ask what advice you would you give your past self?

Mine was sharp and not sweet. He cheated, so I left. All very double ick as we both worked for the same company and most people had come to our wedding. Not your situation, I know, but there were red flags. I was away with work and he cut into the body-coloured bumper of my car to attach a tow hitch because he wanted to use my car to tow his jet ski. He had a car, just didn’t want to ruin the bumper. I had told him NOT to do it because of the insurance on the car. Also he deleted my novel from my computer to install Medal of Honour. There was a lot of disrespect before his cheating, I should have seen it. In 2020 he sent me a message via LinkedIn apologising (we divorced - I paid for it - in 2007). To be honest it feels like it happened to someone else, plus he said he ‘was so much younger then’ - you were 37 you twat! One thing I would say is that there is nothing like freedom, not having to second guess and not having to live on terms that make you miserable. Xxx

Omg that’s horrendous so sorry @GwinCoch . I hope you got your novel back.

If you can afford to leave then leave. Do not waste your life in an unhappy relationship. I left with literally the clothes on my back.

The straw that broke the camels back for me was his behaviour in front of my child (not his child). He roared and screamed and shouted at me. We went for counselling a couple of weeks later and I told him how it had effected her. He didn’t agree with what I was saying and said he’d behave in the same way again. So in effect he made the decision for me.

Thanks lovely, it was what it was. The novel was not retrievable, but that kind of felt like the general mood of the time, everything was broken! But please don’t stay in a situation that makes you unhappy. I sometimes wonder what my life would be like now if I had stayed… I don’t think I would have been happy, I think there would have been a lot of unreasonable compromise on his side. I am really rooting for you.

We had nothing in common after the kids, he slept in the spare room, took no part in family life, would come home and clean in a huff when j had been busy with the kids in the day. So no sex and just nothing left.

Also he deleted my novel from my computer to install Medal of Honour

He was lucky he got away with just a divorce! I’d have murdered the bastard!

My exH called me a cunt in front of our DD. That was the point at which our marriage ended. We limped on for a few more years, loathing each other more and more, until I asked him to leave eight years ago.

My life turned a corner at that point, and now I'm in a loving stable relationship with a man who worships the ground I walk on. Ending my marriage was scary, but ultimately the best thing I ever did.

He had an affair, he ended it, we had counselling, new beginning. Then his manager rang one evening to say there'd been a break-in at the office, could I tell him ... that's funny, because I thought he was working late with manager ... yep, affair was still going on.

That's the easy version, because it puts all the blame on him. Reality - he didn't love me any more but couldn't bring himself to say so, and I couldn't see it/wasn't ready to believe my dream had ended. Controlling behaviour, selfish, unkind and the last straw was when he said that if I lost weight, all our problems would be solved! Looking back, I can see things had really ended a long time before and the affair was a symptom, not a cause.

Never regretted it, just wish I had got out sooner.

It so so hard to end things isn’t it, even when you know they’re not right. So sorry for what everyone’s been through.
My situation isn’t terrible, no abuse or affairs but just almost total withdrawal on the part of DH, and years of hoping things will get better…

Mine had a gambling habit. Wasn’t aware of it until he stole money from me and then it all came out - the debt, loans etc etc. I left £800 cash in the house for our joiner to sort out some work in our garden to make it safe for DS. Ex-H took it to the bookies and put the lot on a horse that lost.

Separate finances meant I didn’t have a clue for a long time, however it was a blessing, as he had no access to my bank account, so my house, salary and saving were safe.

For a long time I would hide my purse when he came round to see/collect DS.

That really made me laugh - thank you! You probably know that when you divorce due to irreconcilable differences you have to list your criteria and the novel was one of mine… he refused to sign the papers. So instead I divorced him on the grounds of adultery with Pelican Face (not her real name). And he signed because I agreed to call her Miss X in the papers. What a sort he was!

Finding a semi-naked girl in my bedroom when I came home early.

You’re very sweet and kind to worry about people who have shared their stories on here but it doesn’t make you situation invalid or less than. Death by a thousand paper cuts (as someone mentioned earlier and is a great saying) is also incredibly hard and sad. You’re brave for posting on here. Your sadness and unhappiness matters.

Maybe your real question is wondering HOW to call it a day? Cos I'm damned if I know. I need to do it also but don't know how. He knows, really, but doesn't want to be alone and so my past weak attempts to finish it have floundered and failed.

@Mmhmmn yes maybe this is my real question. Although I think I am still torn if it is the right thing. I need some clarity somehow, I guess it will come one day!

Sorry you’re in the same boat @Mmhmmn , has it been going on for a long time?

If you decide leaving is the right thing, don't do what I did... decisiveness is undoubtedly better!

Felt like leaving at various poults over 20 years but was difficult for various reasons - bereavements etc. And would be lots of life things to untangle. It's been a more consistent feeling in the last year.

You’re only in your 30’s ? Then it’s obvious, is this the way you want to live for the rest of your life, because it won’t get better. When you’re sitting on a cloud in heaven will you say you lived your best life, or will you say you should have ended it earlier ?
Have you spoken to him about the situation ? Have you considered counselling ?
I’m not going simply because I don’t want to lose my house, and I know he’d fight me for it just to be awkward. He’s a nice guy, do anything for me, but I don’t love him. And I’ve told him so, but he wants to stay.
Every time I clean up after him, or wipe his piss off the toilet rim, I hate him a little bit more. Resentment. It’s a relationship killer.

It ended when he had an affair when dd was three months old , realistically the relationship had been going wrong for years .

I’ve twice told my DH that we are over, and twice I’ve ended up staying.
When you’ve decide enough is enough, and you’re having ‘the’ conversation , you have to have it in your mind that at the end of that conversation you will leave him in no doubt that you are over. Don’t flounder like me, as then they think you’ll come round every time you have the talk.
Start the separation before you tell them. Get your own bank account with your wage paid into it, and get the child benefit paid into it too. Gather important information, like taking screen shots of all bank accounts/pensions/shares/premium bonds.

Mine gambled, refused to “babysit”’our DD. It was our 5th wedding anniversary and I hadn’t got him a card, pulled into get one in the garage and broke down at the thought of another 50 years. Left that evening.

been married to my DH for 20 years, never looked back. Managed to co parent fairly successfully (by mainly ignoring his attempts to draw me into arguments). Daughter now early 20’s and I’ve not seen him in 6 years. Bliss