Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Baby’s dad refusing to have DS overnight

36 replies

Snotfaces · 10/07/2023 19:12

DS is 17m, breastfed and co-sleeps with me. Dad is refusing to have him overnight until he’s not feeding in the night(he does but very rarely now), and in his own room(not possible as I don’t have a spare bedroom.
he currently has him 9-6 on a Saturday, that’s it.
he’s now saying he wants to take me to court. Am I right in thinking he’d end up having to have him overnight if he did? Also, I’d much prefer it to be every other weekend as I have other DC who want to spend time with their sibling

OP posts:
OnTheRunWithMannyMontana · 10/07/2023 19:15

I'm confused. 😵‍💫

Do you want him to have him overnight? Why if you are breastfeeding and he still sometimes wakes in the night.

Why is he taking you to court if he doesn't want him overnight?

Ponoka7 · 10/07/2023 19:15

A court wouldn't force overnight access, that would put the child at risk. Parent access comes before sibling, if they live with the siblings. Why is he taking you to court?

ForeverFriendsAndPierrot · 10/07/2023 19:17

Your post is all over the place....confusing

Original poster
Snotfaces · 10/07/2023 19:17

I’m not entirely sure about g w court thing? Doesn’t make any sense.
dad is assuming that baby will just suddenly settle for him. Spent realise that(bf or not) it I’ll take a period of adjustment for both of them
I’m not bothered either way if he stays over ignite or not

OP posts:
MaxwellCat · 10/07/2023 19:17

I'm also confused? However my childrens father has never had them overnight and we split 6 years ago you can't make him 🤷‍♀️

Original poster
Snotfaces · 10/07/2023 19:18

MaxwellCat · 10/07/2023 19:17

I'm also confused? However my childrens father has never had them overnight and we split 6 years ago you can't make him 🤷‍♀️

Really? Do you mind me asking why that is?

OP posts:
toomuchlaundry · 10/07/2023 19:19

If a dad doesn’t want them he can’t be forced to have them, no matter what the court order says

quietnightmare · 10/07/2023 19:19

If you go to court and he does t stick to what the courts decide on then nothing will happen to him however if you go to court and he gets say every other weekend, or night in the week or whatever they decide if you don't make the child available to him on the days and nights set out you can get fined and in extreme cases prison

megletthesecond · 10/07/2023 19:20

You can't force him. And if he's an idiot it'll be better for your DS that he doesn't go overnight.

TooManyAnimals94 · 10/07/2023 19:20

So you want dad to have him overnight or not? Why is he taking you to court?

IDontLoveTheWayYouLie · 10/07/2023 19:21

I'm not sure why you think he can be forced to have a kid overnight if he doesn't want to?

Original poster
Snotfaces · 10/07/2023 19:21

toomuchlaundry · 10/07/2023 19:19

If a dad doesn’t want them he can’t be forced to have them, no matter what the court order says

That’s bonkers. Imagine if a mother did that! There’d be uproar. How does he expect to form a proper bond with his son just a few hours a week? Makes no sense to me

OP posts:
MaxwellCat · 10/07/2023 19:21

Snotfaces · 10/07/2023 19:18

Really? Do you mind me asking why that is?

Show quote history

He has a 3 bed flat but would rather rent out every single room 🤦‍♀️ honestly I wish there was a way to make him but 6 years later he is still doing it

IDontLoveTheWayYouLie · 10/07/2023 19:22

There's plenty of dads who don't even know their kids because they can't be arsed. I don't think forcing stay overs is good for either of them if it's not what they want.

Whattodowithit88 · 10/07/2023 19:24

This is why it’s the woman who gets shafted, she has no choice and the dad just skips out of all the school runs, over nights and weekends, leaving the mum no time for a job, social life or time for herself whilst men are not affected by these things at all if they don’t want to be.

There would be uproar if women refused nights like men do. Of course if his an idiot this is proffered but most men just don’t want kids to interfere with their own selfish needs.

Marblessolveeverything · 10/07/2023 19:26

I am reading your posts as you want court to enforce overnight access. That won't happen. The court can only secure agreement of access it can't enforce it.

If his dad is not going to parent at night how happy Would you be that he has capacity. It's not fair but what is in your child's best interests?

noglow · 10/07/2023 19:26

Have you asked what he actually wants from court?

noglow · 10/07/2023 19:27

Have you explained he'll owe less maintenance if he does a certain number of nights a year? That often kicks them into action surprisingly...

Original poster
Snotfaces · 10/07/2023 19:35

Marblessolveeverything · 10/07/2023 19:26

I am reading your posts as you want court to enforce overnight access. That won't happen. The court can only secure agreement of access it can't enforce it.

If his dad is not going to parent at night how happy Would you be that he has capacity. It's not fair but what is in your child's best interests?

Capacity?

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 10/07/2023 19:36

Snotfaces · 10/07/2023 19:21

That’s bonkers. Imagine if a mother did that! There’d be uproar. How does he expect to form a proper bond with his son just a few hours a week? Makes no sense to me

Show quote history

They don't want to put in the work. Suddenly when they are toilet trained and kick a football, be left to play in soft play etc then they play super dad. Unfortunately because we put less pressure/responsibility on men, them doing the minimal often doesn't make a difference to the bond and relationship as long as they start showing up from five, or be a fun Dad later on.

Original poster
Snotfaces · 10/07/2023 19:36

Whattodowithit88 · 10/07/2023 19:24

This is why it’s the woman who gets shafted, she has no choice and the dad just skips out of all the school runs, over nights and weekends, leaving the mum no time for a job, social life or time for herself whilst men are not affected by these things at all if they don’t want to be.

There would be uproar if women refused nights like men do. Of course if his an idiot this is proffered but most men just don’t want kids to interfere with their own selfish needs.

This!! Really annoys me they get to swan off doing the bare minimum. No actual parenting

OP posts:
Original poster
Snotfaces · 10/07/2023 19:37

Ponoka7 · 10/07/2023 19:36

They don't want to put in the work. Suddenly when they are toilet trained and kick a football, be left to play in soft play etc then they play super dad. Unfortunately because we put less pressure/responsibility on men, them doing the minimal often doesn't make a difference to the bond and relationship as long as they start showing up from five, or be a fun Dad later on.

Show quote history

This makes me equally sad and angry

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 10/07/2023 19:38

Take you to court for what? To make you stop bf?!

Hollyppp · 10/07/2023 19:39

I’m so confused by the whole thing. You want to force your ex to look after the baby? I wouldn’t be any anyone reluctant looking after my child as I would be worried about the level of care

Thinkbiglittleone · 10/07/2023 19:43

I’m not bothered either way if he stays over ignite or not

OP if you are not bothered if he had him over night or not what is your issue ?

If baby is still waking and breastfeeding, I'm not sure if it is fair to make them stay somewhere who can't meet their current needs. As he will be breastfed with you, inconsolable with dad while he can't be soothes how he normally is, then back to being soothed and breastfed by you, then left without that comfort, then back with you receiving that comfort. Is that fair on the child.

I agree a few hours a week isn't enough, but I think until you stop breastfeeding he should not have him overnight.