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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It’s a birthday one

50 replies

Drhollyfrazier · 10/07/2023 14:17

Context, DP and I are both currently living at our respective parent’s houses temporarily with plans to move in together in a couple of months after we save for deposit and first months rent. So we aren’t seeing each other as often as when we had our own places last year.

For DPs birthday earlier this year, I booked multiple activities and an apartment as we very rarely get to spend multiple consecutive days together atm. I spent several hundred pounds but it was more about making an opportunity for quality time so it was worth it. We had an incredible time and made lovely memories.

I’ve had a birthday and I told him not to plan anything big as I’d rather him save the money so we can move out quicker. It made no sense to set us back another month for the sake of my birthday. So a night out was arranged with DP, our friends and myself.

However I’m a little disappointed. Apparently my present is still in transit (I know it’s a T-shirt from a series we both enjoy) and he gave me my card which I could tell was written quickly, the pen (highlighter🙄) was still on the side. I know I told him not to spend anything planning something big but I was upset as I thought he knew the gift wouldn’t arrive on time and I would’ve loved if he even bought me some supermarket flowers so he had something to actually give me and possibly a thoughtful message in a card.

He wrote me a lovely Valentine’s Day card and it’s honestly a big out of character that he took what I said so literally.

AIBU to be upset? I said don’t spend a lot of money, not don’t put in any effort ..

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 10/07/2023 14:19

I think his present is in line with what you said so fair enough, are you doing anything together, getting a takeaway or something?

Original poster
Drhollyfrazier · 10/07/2023 14:22

aSofaNearYou · 10/07/2023 14:19

I think his present is in line with what you said so fair enough, are you doing anything together, getting a takeaway or something?

I’m not upset at what the present is. But he knew it wouldn’t come in time. He doesn’t know I know what it actually is but he did say it’s been stuck in customs since last week. So he knew for several days before my birthday that it wouldn’t come in time and had plenty of time to go to Tesco and buy some £5 flowers.

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 10/07/2023 14:24

He could have done, yes, but I wouldn't be too bothered about that if he made a fuss of me on the day and we had a nice time.

I think flowers are going the same way as cards - some people think of them as the done thing but less and less so.

Dishwashersaurous · 10/07/2023 14:27

You told him not to arrange anything or to spend any money.

Nonetheless he ordered you a present, which then got stuck in the post

And you are cross that he didn't then and go and get another present

Covidiokilledtheradiostar · 10/07/2023 14:33

YABU

yes it’s bad luck the present wasn’t there on time but you know it’s coming and it shows he made some effort. He got you a card and you had a night out!

it’s really annoying when people take the martyr route and say don’t make a fuss and then get annoyed! Just be honest and say you wanted more

MichelleScarn · 10/07/2023 14:36

I honestly don't get this when people get the hump when someone does as asked. The bit about the pen being out I absolutely don't get!!

Ponderingwindow · 10/07/2023 14:38

He did exactly what you asked him to do. He got you something small and it happened to get delayed in customs. He planned a night out.

I understand how easy it is to get upset about birthdays and other special occasions. I’ve got a whole childhood’s worth of baggage that make me particularly sensitive about them. That is why I have learned as an older adult that it is extremely important that I recognize what I need from my partner/spouse and tell him those needs explicitly. It took me time to get to that level of self-awareness and I wish I had someone who had explained to me that it was ok to have needs around these events and to express them as long as the focus is not on money.

so if you need a heartfelt message and a bouquet in addition to a thoughtful gift, then you should tell him that. I might think it’s not needed, but if that is what makes you feel loved, then you need to say that is what you want. Don’t make him guess.

MostlyBlueberryFlavoured · 10/07/2023 14:39

The pen was on the side and you're cross/upset? What the even?

TeaKitten · 10/07/2023 14:41

YABU, you told him not to waste money and buying supermarket flowers because your present is delayed would be a waste of money. It was your choice to waste hundreds for his birthday when you are saving to move so that’s not really relevant to your birthday.

Original poster
Drhollyfrazier · 10/07/2023 14:44

I think I’m more upset because he has previously made an effort on other occasions and that was when we’re both quite poor. For us, it isn’t the money spent it’s the small details.

If he was always like this I’d say fair enough. Maybe cause it was so different to what he would normally do.

Also I grew up poor and my mum would always use little details to make things special when not much money was spent overall. I think that’s where my liking of it comes from.

OP posts:
Original poster
Drhollyfrazier · 10/07/2023 14:45

FWIW, I told him not to plan anything big. I didn’t say don’t spend anything.

OP posts:
CuteCillian · 10/07/2023 14:45

Thing is, birthdays are important to me and I had to make that very clear to DH from day 1. It's not about money, it is the thought- so a photo of a special memory, a packet of my favourite nibbles, a coffee with a view, a shout out on the radio...cheap, but effort required.
You need to be clearer that you want your birthday acknowledged significantly.

TeaKitten · 10/07/2023 14:47

Drhollyfrazier · 10/07/2023 14:45

FWIW, I told him not to plan anything big. I didn’t say don’t spend anything.

I’ve had a birthday and I told him not to plan anything big as I’d rather him save the money

This means don’t waste money. How is he suppose to no what you mean?

Divebar2021 · 10/07/2023 14:50

Well it wouldn’t work for me…. Birthdays are big in our house. We take the day off work… usually a fancy breakfast ( in or out) then whatever the birthday person has chosen. DH and I always bake each other a cake and this year I got my favourite flowers ( and this is before we get to presents ). There’s a big difference between “don’t go over the top” and “ do fuck all”

MostlyBlueberryFlavoured · 10/07/2023 14:51

Perhaps next time be a bit clearer about exactly what you want? Still, that would reduce the martyrdom potential...

Divebar2021 · 10/07/2023 14:52

This means don’t waste money. How is he suppose to no what you mean?

He could ask couldn’t he? It’s not rocket science. A T shirt delayed in the post? Lame AF. I’d be running to the shops in his position and ramping up the special birthday food. Did he bother with a cake even?

SallyWD · 10/07/2023 14:59

I think men take things far more literally than women - you said not to spend much because you want to save and that's what he's done.
I spell things out to my husband so I'm never disappointed on my birthday. Eg I say I'd like him to make breakfast, I'd like a day out or dinner and I give him present ideas. I always get what I want this way. Of course some might think it was better if he chose gifts himself but from past experience I wouldn't say he's a particularly good gift buyer!

GardeningIdiot · 10/07/2023 15:00

YANBU, but AIBU hates a woman expecting a bit of thought or kindness on her birthday.

Luxell934 · 10/07/2023 15:00

Drhollyfrazier · 10/07/2023 14:45

FWIW, I told him not to plan anything big. I didn’t say don’t spend anything.

I’ve had a birthday and I told him not to plan anything big as I’d rather him save the money so we can move out quicker. It made no sense to set us back another month for the sake of my birthday.

These two statements seem contradictory. You told him not to plan anything big in order to save money so you can move out quicker.
So he did buy you a gift, it just hasn't come yet. Fair enough thats bit annoying but you will get it eventually. Would you really of been happy if he'd got you a bunch of supermarket flowers? I think not.

He did what you asked. He got you a small present and card. and you had your night out with him and your friends.

Now you're not happy and secretly hoped and expected more and extra little details?

You are being really unreasonable and unfair.

MichelleScarn · 10/07/2023 15:03

There's constantly posts on here like this!
'Aibu surely he should know don't do anything for my birthday means I want a big gift, a little gift or 12, a cake,card, flowers and dinner out?!!'
Absolutely bewildering!!

Original poster
Drhollyfrazier · 10/07/2023 15:03

Luxell934 · 10/07/2023 15:00

I’ve had a birthday and I told him not to plan anything big as I’d rather him save the money so we can move out quicker. It made no sense to set us back another month for the sake of my birthday.

These two statements seem contradictory. You told him not to plan anything big in order to save money so you can move out quicker.
So he did buy you a gift, it just hasn't come yet. Fair enough thats bit annoying but you will get it eventually. Would you really of been happy if he'd got you a bunch of supermarket flowers? I think not.

He did what you asked. He got you a small present and card. and you had your night out with him and your friends.

Now you're not happy and secretly hoped and expected more and extra little details?

You are being really unreasonable and unfair.

Show quote history

to me effort does not equal big amounts money.

OP posts:
Original poster
Drhollyfrazier · 10/07/2023 15:07

The way I see it, you can make effort on a very small budget.

Sainsbury’s mini cake - £3
Home bargains card - 29p
Home bargains balloons - 99p
Flowers - £5
Chocolate - £2
Bottle of soft drink - £2

£13.28 is not breaking the bank for us by any stretch but would’ve felt like a big effort.

OP posts:
MichelleScarn · 10/07/2023 15:11

Drhollyfrazier · 10/07/2023 15:07

The way I see it, you can make effort on a very small budget.

Sainsbury’s mini cake - £3
Home bargains card - 29p
Home bargains balloons - 99p
Flowers - £5
Chocolate - £2
Bottle of soft drink - £2

£13.28 is not breaking the bank for us by any stretch but would’ve felt like a big effort.

If that's how precise your wants are ... TELL HIM!!!

Aprilx · 10/07/2023 15:16

You are being absurd. He did exactly what you said, you know you have a tshirt coming and the bit about the pen on the side, well I cannot even make out why this is an issue.

Aprilx · 10/07/2023 15:18

MichelleScarn · 10/07/2023 15:03

There's constantly posts on here like this!
'Aibu surely he should know don't do anything for my birthday means I want a big gift, a little gift or 12, a cake,card, flowers and dinner out?!!'
Absolutely bewildering!!

Don’t forget the balloons!

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