It’s a birthday one

[Drhollyfrazier]

Context, DP and I are both currently living at our respective parent’s houses temporarily with plans to move in together in a couple of months after we save for deposit and first months rent. So we aren’t seeing each other as often as when we had our own places last year.

For DPs birthday earlier this year, I booked multiple activities and an apartment as we very rarely get to spend multiple consecutive days together atm. I spent several hundred pounds but it was more about making an opportunity for quality time so it was worth it. We had an incredible time and made lovely memories.

I’ve had a birthday and I told him not to plan anything big as I’d rather him save the money so we can move out quicker. It made no sense to set us back another month for the sake of my birthday. So a night out was arranged with DP, our friends and myself.

However I’m a little disappointed. Apparently my present is still in transit (I know it’s a T-shirt from a series we both enjoy) and he gave me my card which I could tell was written quickly, the pen (highlighter🙄) was still on the side. I know I told him not to spend anything planning something big but I was upset as I thought he knew the gift wouldn’t arrive on time and I would’ve loved if he even bought me some supermarket flowers so he had something to actually give me and possibly a thoughtful message in a card.

He wrote me a lovely Valentine’s Day card and it’s honestly a big out of character that he took what I said so literally.

AIBU to be upset? I said don’t spend a lot of money, not don’t put in any effort ..

Howl old were you OP?

Do you really need all that to feel loved and special on your birthday?

You see this would never have occured to me. Firstly, I'd never think of buying balloons for an adult. Secondly, rather than buying lots of cheap bits and pieces I would rather spend £13 on a nice box or chocolates or a bottle of wine. If you want this kind of stuff you should have told him rather than saying "Don't spend money".

Exactly this. My DH has never brought me balloons or a soft drink on my birthday but I know he loves and cares for me

Next time, don't show us that list; show your partner 🤷‍♀️

You do come across as very immature.

It sounds a bit rubbish to me as well op

I get it OP. You told him no need to spend big on your birthday as you are both saving, but he has basically took that to mean he doesn't have to put in any effort! Which is not the same thing.

A delayed present is a delayed present. But he could have nipped out and picked you up some flowers or some choccies or something to give you on your birthday. Nothing that cost the earth! But its like he couldn't be bothered. And the rushed card writing, I get that too. All feels a bit last minute and effortless. Thought and effort cost nothing, but are definitely something thats noticed and its those things really that make a birthday feel special.

Its ok to be dissapointed with that. You'd of thought he'd of wanted to make you feel a bit special on your birthday, not take it as a green light to put in the bare minimum.

I hope you had a nice time out anyway. Next year don't say anything and let him decide what to do for you. Hopefully he'll put in a bit more effort!

Yes I get it too but I also think men are more direct in their communication style. If someone says "Don't spend much we're saving for a house" they might not think "Oh but I must fritter money on balloons!". They'll think "Right I'll just get one present then. I think she'd love that shirt". And that's it. A man might not understand the appeal of balloons and soft drinks on a birthday.
OP - I think you should have said "Don't spend much but get me a few little bits and pieces so it feels festive" then he would understood!

You actually went on to say "as I'd rather him save the money so we can move out quicker". To me, that would have implied don't spend anything, "on top of the present and the night out that you're already spending money on." I know how deflating it is when your birthday doesn't live up to expectations, but he is just doing as you asked so you can't now complain.

You are full of it. You say a 29p card would be fine but you were actually annoyed at the card because he wrote it quickly using a highlighter. Also he HAS bought you a thoughtful present that probably cos more than £13, it’s not his fault he’s stuck, yet you say it’d be thoughtful to buy cheap shit for you. You clearly wouldn’t be happy with this cheap crap, you told him not to go OTT and you are annoyed he listened to you. You are the issue in this situation.

Personally I would bring it up otherwise this will set the standard effort he will make for all your birthdays moving forward. He needs to know that your bar isn't this low and he needs to do better.

We've all read the post on here from women 10/20/30 years down the line when they've had one rubbish birthday after another. Nip it in the bud now so you're not in for years of crap birthdays with zero effort.

I really look forward to next year's instalment! Then there'll be anniversaries, Christmases ... endless joylessness.

Yep.

Personally I would bring it up otherwise this will set the standard effort he will make for all your birthdays moving forward.

I did say in my OP that the rubbishness of it is out of character. Which is why I’m not all LTB, just a bit like .. hmm, that was disappointing.

You’ve given him a get out of jail card for free.

I bet now thinks he can make zero effort on your birthday every year.

Be clear to him that this isn’t the case and you expect him to match the effort you from now on.

You wanted balloons and a bottle of fizzy pop? Were you turning 7?

Did that feel good? Are you a bully offline too?

I'm not being a bully. He picked out a thoughtful gift for her and she wants a bottle of pop and balloons? That isn't normal adult behaviour.

They live with their parents. Those are all normal things to have for a low key birthday with your boyfriend.

Yanbu at all. It’s not about the money. And the “don’t plan anything big” was obviously meaning “don’t plan a trip away and multiple activities like I did” not “please make the minimum amount of effort possible”. I’d feel a bit disappointed too. It’s the lack of effort which feels like a lack of thought and care. I’m sorry, and I hope you managed to have a good day

I was making a point that getting some snacks in and something nice to drink and a few balloons is making an effort to celebrate if not going all out.

YANBU - it sounds really half-arsed.

But, you said….

I know I told him not to spend anything planning something big

Why, oh why do people do this?!

He did what you asked! Your comment above basically told him to down play - both spending or planning something big.

Don’t do this, in future! Let him decide for himself what he wants to do. You did!

Why is it OK for you to go to huge effort and expense, but you martyrishly tell him essentially not to bother for you?

Sorry - this ^^ is a bit of tough love, but come on, you brought this on yourself.

Meanwhile, happy birthday! 💐

Your telling him he is worth making and effort for and you are not. Why?

All that? It’s fuck all. She’s not asked for the moon on a stick, just some little gestures to make a sense of occasion for her birthday.

I do not subscribe to the ‘real adults should have grown out of birthdays’ mentality on Mumsnet.

For all my family’s birthdays there are balloons, cake, a pile of presents (not always big flashy ones), cards, a fabric birthday banner that goes up for everyone’s, a birthday crown that gets trotted out for everyone, bunting I made that comes out for everyone… They get a special dinner made for them, there’s candles and singing, there’s fuss and cuddles and it lasts all day. Each person has one whole day each to feel really special, however old they are.

It doesn’t necessarily cost bags of money, just time and effort. You don’t have an ink-still-wet card lobbed at you first thing and then that’s it.

That doesn’t make us brats or childish.

So a night out was arranged with DP, our friends and myself.

So you had a night out, a card and a (delayed) gift. If you want a bigger fuss then you're going to have to communicate that. For many people (not just men) a card, a gift and an evening out would be considered a pretty normal birthday celebration.

Don't say low-key is fine if that's not what you mean. You're not wrong for wanting a bit of a fuss for your birthday and he's not wrong for not being a mind reader. Consider this experience a lesson in communication😀