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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

6yo forced to wear nappy

56 replies

AmberValentine · 10/07/2023 09:16

Hi, so my DP is currently in court proceedings regarding his DD who will be 6 in Sept.
DPsDD is currently living with him after his ex said she couldn't cope with her own MH and initially agreed DPsDD could live with my DP so DPsDD could get to school.

For context DP lives 50miles away from ex due to his work. So DPsDD had to transfer to new school.

Prior to the move, there has been a lot of correspondence and investigation by SS against DPs ex revolving around neglect and other concerning issues.

Interim order currently states that DPsDD lives with him for school and visits DPs ex on the weekend.

DPsDD has brought it to our attention that DPs ex is making DPsDD wear a nappy during the day when travelling on the bus and throughout the cinema even though DPsDD is toilet trained, has been for nearly 3 years. She's always been really good at going to the toilet, stopping what she's doing to go and there's been very few if any accidents that I can recall.

Aibu to be appalled by what is happening to DPsDD?

OP posts:
steppemum · 10/07/2023 09:28

I suggest your DP contacts her social worker and flag it as a concern.

But can I just say, you sound pretty upset and angry, and this woman, like it or not is dd's mother.
dd's best interests are served by helping her to keep contact with her mother. Good or not, some contact is usually seen as being, in the long term, better for kids that no contact. Only time this wouldn't be true would be in cases of abuse.

So tread warily.
And if this is you DP, be aware that dds mum is going to be part of your life for the next 20 years.

Original poster
AmberValentine · 10/07/2023 09:42

I am fully aware and understand that she is the mother and will be a part of her DDs life. I have a DD myself and my ex is a part of her life.

I'm more concerned than anything that what is happening to DPsDD in regards to being made to wear a nappy during the day by her DM when she doesnt need to, is going to have a negative affect.

OP posts:
SouperWoman · 10/07/2023 09:47

You are not wrong to be appalled. That poor kid. 😢 How does she feel about it? Please make sure your DP tells Social Services and anyone else involved in the court proceedings. I disagree with the pp - contact with ‘mum’ right now may or may not be in this little girl’s best interests - hopefully that will be decided in court using the evidence available. Which is why your DP needs to tell them what is happening. Hopefully when ‘mum’s’ MH improves she will be able to care for her DD on a more equal footing. I’m sorry you are involved in this tricky situation.

Original poster
AmberValentine · 10/07/2023 09:53

@SouperWoman

Thank you. Yes he will be ringing SS today. tbh this is just the tip of the iceberg for events that have occurred.
His DD said she was cross about having to wear it, and i can understand why. She loves that she's in big girl school and loved transition day for year one last week. I find it really sad that she's having to go through this, but she has a great support network of family and friends and the school is amazing, 100% on board too with her happiness and welfare

OP posts:
frenchnoodle · 10/07/2023 10:00

Social services need to know I think, but it could just be that this woman is a bit clueless about ages and stages and doesn't want the Hassel of cleaning up a 5 year old accident.

Wenfy · 10/07/2023 10:05

Making her wear a nappy is pretty much the opposite of neglect. It seems like she’s trying. Just let SS know - she will have a caseworker who will explain it’s not required. It’s actually a good sign - shows her mum’s turning the corner.

Stressfordays · 10/07/2023 10:12

Wenfy · 10/07/2023 10:05

Making her wear a nappy is pretty much the opposite of neglect. It seems like she’s trying. Just let SS know - she will have a caseworker who will explain it’s not required. It’s actually a good sign - shows her mum’s turning the corner.

Eh?? Its laziness as she can't be bothered to take her toilet, that is neglect.

frenchnoodle · 10/07/2023 10:17

I don't think social services will say it's neglect as long as the DD is changed and comfortable.

A 5 year old in a pull-up on a bus trip is not going to be flagged as neglect.

Peletontwat · 10/07/2023 10:18

Has she explained why she uses the pull up? But confused as to why Its needed unless toileting issues? Or is it only happening when she is with her mother anxiety related?

frenchnoodle · 10/07/2023 10:18

That said it does need to be highlighted as this woman may not understand the average 5 year old is unlikely to have regular daytime accidents.

PTSDBarbiegirl · 10/07/2023 10:18

Contact social services. The nappy is an issue you know about because you can see it but other neglectful things could be going on. The mother had admitted MH struggles but it could be worse than she's disclosing to her ex. Get help now.

Wenfy · 10/07/2023 10:19

Stressfordays · 10/07/2023 10:12

Eh?? Its laziness as she can't be bothered to take her toilet, that is neglect.

Show quote history

This isn’t how SS would see it. Neglect is a low, low bar. But taking a child to the cinema, on the bus, and buying her nappies would be treated as a positive. SS would just have a word with her about ages and stages but it could open the door to more contact.

Jessbow · 10/07/2023 10:19

How do you 'force' a year old into a nappy? Why doesnt she just take it off and put pants on? Maybe send a sparepair in her coat pocket?

my G D objects at 3.5 for bedtime, never mind daytime

SleepingStandingUp · 10/07/2023 10:23

Jessbow · 10/07/2023 10:19

How do you 'force' a year old into a nappy? Why doesnt she just take it off and put pants on? Maybe send a sparepair in her coat pocket?

my G D objects at 3.5 for bedtime, never mind daytime

Because some kids do as they're told?

toddlermum27 · 10/07/2023 10:23

Don't waste social workers' time with this. Advise your partner to explain to child's mother nappy no longer needed in your view as child consistently doesn't have accidents and nappy is making her self conscious. If it remains an issue you could bring it up at next court hearing but honestly you've got to let her parent her way when she has the child.

OneMoreCookieMonster · 10/07/2023 10:24

Wenfy · 10/07/2023 10:19

This isn’t how SS would see it. Neglect is a low, low bar. But taking a child to the cinema, on the bus, and buying her nappies would be treated as a positive. SS would just have a word with her about ages and stages but it could open the door to more contact.

Show quote history

That's bonkers. Surely, it will cause that child to have her own mh issues around it may cause regressions and confidence issues. It's abuse. I don't know a single 6 yrs old in nappies during the day unless there's severe SEN.

frenchnoodle · 10/07/2023 10:26

OneMoreCookieMonster · 10/07/2023 10:24

That's bonkers. Surely, it will cause that child to have her own mh issues around it may cause regressions and confidence issues. It's abuse. I don't know a single 6 yrs old in nappies during the day unless there's severe SEN.

Show quote history

This is such an over reaction to a 5 year old being put in a pull-up on a day out.

gettingoldisshit · 10/07/2023 10:35

Making a fully toilet trained child wear a nappy is not normal behaviour and is beyond weird! It most definitely needs to be flagged up to ss and the dc school so that they can act on it as well.

Bluetrews25 · 10/07/2023 10:43

But does she actually wee in it? Or just wear it like thick pants and still use the toilet?

zingally · 10/07/2023 10:50

Yes, it's weird. DP needs to flag it with social services.

Irequireausername · 10/07/2023 10:53

Very strange, wonder what other inappropriate things the mum does.

Ohhmydays · 10/07/2023 10:53

Stressfordays · 10/07/2023 10:12

Eh?? Its laziness as she can't be bothered to take her toilet, that is neglect.

Show quote history

This is exactly what i was about to say. Making a 6yr old wear a nappy when she is toilet trained is definitely neglect no just lazy parenting. My nearly 4yr old still has 2/3 accidents a day, sometimes more(always waits till he’s bursting) I don’t make him wear nappies

takealettermsjones · 10/07/2023 11:06

Bluetrews25 · 10/07/2023 10:43

But does she actually wee in it? Or just wear it like thick pants and still use the toilet?

That's what I'm wondering - if DD has the pull up on and says "mum, I need the toilet," what happens then? That would influence my opinion on it tbh (even though I don't like it in the first place).

Anon891 · 10/07/2023 11:14

Are you sure yoy know the whole story? It would be most bizarre for someone to voluntarily the without need to buy pullups- have you seen the price of them?

My 7yr old daughter has autism and wears them on/off during the day-depending where we are going and what changing/washing facilities there are. Doing a bottom clothes change in public is no fun either.

Imo its none of your business and if someone should find out the reason behind it its your partner, 7 year old is old enough to say hell no to them if mum is trying to put them on. Perhaps your partners daughter is undiagnosed with special needs, regression in toilet department is very common and the extent varies from occasional accidents to being back full time in nappies/pullups.

frenchnoodle · 10/07/2023 11:16

The child is 5.....