Page 2 | 6yo forced to wear nappy

AmberValentine · 2023-07-10T08:16:24+00:00

Hi, so my DP is currently in court proceedings regarding his DD who will be 6 in Sept. DPsDD is currently living with him after his ex said she couldn't cope with her own MH and initially agreed DPsDD could live with my DP so DPsDD could get to school. For context DP lives 50miles away from ex due to his work. So DPsDD had to transfer to new school. Prior to the move, there has been a lot of correspondence and investigation by SS against DPs ex revolving around neglect and other concerning issues. Interim order currently states that DPsDD lives with him for school and visits DPs ex on the weekend. DPsDD has brought it to our attention that DPs ex is making DPsDD wear a nappy during the day when travelling on the bus and throughout the cinema even though DPsDD is toilet trained, has been for nearly 3 years. She's always been really good at going to the toilet, stopping what she's doing to go and there's been very few if any accidents that I can recall. Aibu to be appalled by what is happening to DPsDD?

Tiqtaq · 10/07/2023 11:18

I think it's abusive to make a child wear a nappy if they don't want to and are almost 6 and toilet trained.

How would you like it if someone took you on the bus and to the cinema and made you wear a nappy? Would you view this as a positive experience???!!

Original poster

AmberValentine · 10/07/2023 11:35

Just to add a bit more info:

DPsDD is fully toilet trained and doesn't have accidents, school have confirmed she is great at asking to go to the toilet and doesn't wait until she's desperate. and is getting better at going at break time (apparently something they are encouraged to try and do but can obviously go when they need to as well.)

They have to get 2 buses. the first one takes around 40 mins. then they have to wait at the bus terminal in a city centre for around 30-40mins then the second bus takes roughly 55-65mins, so in my opinion she has plenty of time to use the toilet between the buses and the journeys aren't horrendously long?

And whenever we take both DDs or if i have a day with just my DD, we always try and go to the toilet before the film starts but i would not tell either of them to hold it in the middle of the film if they need to go. In any kids film you always see parents taking kids out on a quick toilet dash in the middle of the film lol.

@Irequireausername its a long list. one of the things that is slightly related is that when she is staying at her mum's she has told us that the bedroom door is shut at night, and her mum said if she goes to the toilet in the night then the wicked witch will get her and that the rule is she cant open the bedroom door until a grown up is awake and comes in and says its ok to come out.

DP doesn't shut the bedroom door at his and has been encouraging her to get up and go for a wee in the night. so very conflicting and I can only imagine how confusing it must be for her.

OP posts:

HoppingPavlova · 10/07/2023 11:35

Does not sound normal at all for the day to day stuff you describe.

I used to make the kids wear pull ups when on long road trips, when young including that age. Toilets are every 220miles and are that pit style on the side of the road. Invariably at least one kid had to go inbetween, leading to encounters with snakes, hidden ditches on the side of the road etc. If they made it to the next toilet (such a loose term for what they are), again, snakes, maggots on them, blowflies. Putting them in pull ups was kind😀. However, a movie at the cinema or a short bus ride, nope, just odd.

HoppingPavlova · 10/07/2023 11:37

WTAF, that is deranged. Get that poor girl some help to have her mother’s mental health addressed.

frenchnoodle · 10/07/2023 11:39

she has told us that the bedroom door is shut at night, and her mum said if she goes to the toilet in the night then the wicked witch will get her and that the rule is she cant open the bedroom door until a grown up is awake and comes in and says its ok to come out.

This is much worse than anything in your OP.

Irequireausername · 10/07/2023 11:40

AmberValentine · 10/07/2023 11:35

Just to add a bit more info:

DPsDD is fully toilet trained and doesn't have accidents, school have confirmed she is great at asking to go to the toilet and doesn't wait until she's desperate. and is getting better at going at break time (apparently something they are encouraged to try and do but can obviously go when they need to as well.)

They have to get 2 buses. the first one takes around 40 mins. then they have to wait at the bus terminal in a city centre for around 30-40mins then the second bus takes roughly 55-65mins, so in my opinion she has plenty of time to use the toilet between the buses and the journeys aren't horrendously long?

And whenever we take both DDs or if i have a day with just my DD, we always try and go to the toilet before the film starts but i would not tell either of them to hold it in the middle of the film if they need to go. In any kids film you always see parents taking kids out on a quick toilet dash in the middle of the film lol.

@Irequireausername its a long list. one of the things that is slightly related is that when she is staying at her mum's she has told us that the bedroom door is shut at night, and her mum said if she goes to the toilet in the night then the wicked witch will get her and that the rule is she cant open the bedroom door until a grown up is awake and comes in and says its ok to come out.

DP doesn't shut the bedroom door at his and has been encouraging her to get up and go for a wee in the night. so very conflicting and I can only imagine how confusing it must be for her.

She seems to be a bit obsessed with needing the toilet. 🤨

EarringsandLipstick · 10/07/2023 11:41

This is so distressing to read.

That poor girl. Of course it's abusive - the posters trying to excuse the mother should be ashamed.

All you can do is report & for her father to be the best advocate possible. It sounds like you are both doing a really good job of supporting this little girl.

EarringsandLipstick · 10/07/2023 11:41

@Irequireausername

Who is obsessed?

caringcarer · 10/07/2023 11:42

gettingoldisshit · 10/07/2023 10:35

Making a fully toilet trained child wear a nappy is not normal behaviour and is beyond weird! It most definitely needs to be flagged up to ss and the dc school so that they can act on it as well.

I'd definitely alert the school to this issue. Perhaps they can speak to Mum.

Irequireausername · 10/07/2023 11:42

EarringsandLipstick · 10/07/2023 11:41

@Irequireausername

Who is obsessed?

The mum 🤦‍♀️

Zarataralara · 10/07/2023 11:48

Wenfy · 10/07/2023 10:05

Making her wear a nappy is pretty much the opposite of neglect. It seems like she’s trying. Just let SS know - she will have a caseworker who will explain it’s not required. It’s actually a good sign - shows her mum’s turning the corner.

Not sure it is. I know there could be a variety of reasons but I came across an almost identical scenario when I was a teacher. It was passed to SS as a concern, turned out it was a Munchausen’s by proxy type thing, not the only child in the family treated like this, to make them appear disabled when they weren’t.

crazeekat · 10/07/2023 11:55

Wenfy · 10/07/2023 10:05

Making her wear a nappy is pretty much the opposite of neglect. It seems like she’s trying. Just let SS know - she will have a caseworker who will explain it’s not required. It’s actually a good sign - shows her mum’s turning the corner.

what nonsense. the child has been toilet trained for three years.

Puckthemagicdragon · 10/07/2023 11:56

It's prob so she can claim DLA for her daughter.

EarringsandLipstick · 10/07/2023 12:09

@Irequireausername

Ah! That's what I thought too, just making sure it wasn't DD you meant!

calmcoco · 10/07/2023 12:16

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TheCheeseTray · 10/07/2023 12:16

My ex did this when my son was 3 and toilet trained he returned him in size 1 nappies that were so tight it cut his legs. I took him to the GP - GP contacted him, as did a solicitor and then SS and court eventually. He never did it again - ever.

You need proof ideally and then log with GP and SS and obviously the court.

in the meanwhile her bottom needs to be treated gently - especially if she has been in urine all day, or worse.

UnbeatenMum · 10/07/2023 12:31

I think this is emotional abuse. My DDs actually still wore night time pull ups at 6 but they would have been ashamed and embarrassed to have been made to wear one in the day at that age 3 years after toilet training. Imagine if they bumped into a friend from school or something.

VintageBlossomHill · 10/07/2023 12:34

Puckthemagicdragon · 10/07/2023 11:56

It's prob so she can claim DLA for her daughter.

I was thinking this too.

ApolloandDaphne · 10/07/2023 12:39

I am a retired SS and i would be of the opinion the is neglectful and abusive behaviour. It is demeaning to make a child wear a n soppy at that age when it is no l,on her required and it would seem to be part of a bigger picture of neglect for this child. I would pass it in the SS so they can have it on system as part of the assessment process for this child.

SafferUpNorth · 10/07/2023 13:28

Poor wee girl - how degrading for her to be made to wear a nappy. It can only be damaging to her self-confidence - in fact, like many others who have replied here, I would view this sort of infantilisation as abusive. It is certainly physical neglect too - prolonged periods in a soggy nappy will leave her with a rash and is likely to lead to her toilet training regressing.

OP, if I were you, I would encourage your DP / child's dad to mention this to SS. Sounds as if it's part of a wider pattern.

LolaSmiles · 10/07/2023 13:45

It's prob so she can claim DLA for her daughter
I'm afraid to say that crossed my mind. It seems like, for whatever reason, the mother is trying to keep her child presenting as being developmentally below her actual development.

Jellycats4life · 10/07/2023 13:47

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Original poster

AmberValentine · 10/07/2023 15:42

@takealettermsjones

So DP has had a chat with his DD and asked what happens if she tells her mum that she needs the toilet.
DPsDD has said that her mum says "No, you have a nappy on" 😥

OP posts:

adviceneeded1990 · 10/07/2023 15:50

frenchnoodle · 10/07/2023 10:26

This is such an over reaction to a 5 year old being put in a pull-up on a day out.

Show quote history

Is it? I’ve worked and taught in schools for 12 years and never seen a 5 year old in a daytime pull up outside of severe SEN.

Fighterofthenightman1 · 10/07/2023 15:55

Wenfy · 10/07/2023 10:05

Making her wear a nappy is pretty much the opposite of neglect. It seems like she’s trying. Just let SS know - she will have a caseworker who will explain it’s not required. It’s actually a good sign - shows her mum’s turning the corner.

Completely disagree with that!

My four year old dd would be really upset and embarrassed if I tried to make her wear a nappy during the day now, nevermind about a 6 year old