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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

nobody's priority

64 replies

priorityps · 09/07/2023 21:57

I am nobody’s priority, or even close to. I am finding this really lonely. I do have good friends, involved family and nice colleagues. Many of which would be there for me if they HAD to be…. But that’s just it, if they HAD to. If there was nobody else, if it was so crucial I needed them badly. I have nobody who is just there for me. I am a lone parent and have been for 3 years. I go to Xmas day with ds and watch as my parents arrive, my siblings and their partners etc etc. Everyone has someone. Someone to check the oil in the car, remind you it’s bin day, pick up the loo roll that was forgotten in the weekly shop, get some chocolate if you’ve had a crap day, make you a cup of tea or help to get the duvet cover on the bed. Someone who is there if you have a bad day at work.

The reality is that I am in a queue for the people who are there for me. I’m after my best friend’s husband and dc. I’m after my dad with my mum and after my mum with my dad. I’m after all my sibling’s partners and dc. I get it, that’s life. I know I’m cared for and I know I have people there for me. But I’m nobody’s priority and it’s lonely. Not sure why I am posting. Feel a bit sad about it tonight.

OP posts:
Sunnyfeelgood · 09/07/2023 22:05

I dont have anything comforting to say, but me too! I don't have kids either, so it can get incredibly lonely.

My best friend lives with her partner so spends more time with him, but if I needed her she would drop everything for me instantly. It sounds like it is the same for you. There are people who love you and would make you their priority instantly. That is important to remember.

But the day to day loneliness sucks sometimes! Still, for me, it is preferable to being in a bad relationship.

ScroogeMcDuckling · 09/07/2023 22:15

I’m sorry to say this, but cheer up please, the negative vibe in your message Is really draining.

Accept what your life is, be happy with your lot in life, a lovely son, lovely parents and wonderful friends and once that frown is turned upside down, you’ll gradually meet people who want to chat and maybe more

megletthesecond · 09/07/2023 22:16

I understand. Same here. It does get to me. My family aren't local so I have to muddle through.

Nurka · 09/07/2023 22:17

You are your kid’s number one priority!!!

Holly60 · 09/07/2023 22:23

I wonder if others really see their priorities in a list like that?

My priorities fluctuate throughout the day/week. Sometimes my priority is to spend time with my family, but at others my priority is to grab a glass of wine and get on the phone to my best friend.

I don't love her any less than I love other people in my life. I might not dedicate as much day to day time to her but that's not because I don't care.

I bet you are actually people's first priority, just maybe you don't realise it. Does your mum ever help you with childcare? At that time you are her priority. Does your dad ever mow your lawn? If so you are his priority at that moment. Do your siblings call you? They are prioritising you at that time.

My DH would appear to be my priority but there are plenty of times that in actual fact I'm much more focussed on someone else.

HaveSomeIntrospect · 09/07/2023 22:33

This really hit home for me when lockdown lifted. Everyone I knew was making plans to see their nearest and dearest and I was on no one’s list. It was so upsetting and made me deeply depressed. The main thing for me was that I felt alone.
I was then worried that my kids would one day feel this way. I realised that they will never feel this way because they will always be my priority. That thought made me change my outlook.
I took up a new hobby and now have a new group of friends that I socialise with. I know I am no one’s priority, but I feel a little better about life.

TRexTara · 10/07/2023 01:13

ScroogeMcDuckling · 09/07/2023 22:15

I’m sorry to say this, but cheer up please, the negative vibe in your message Is really draining.

Accept what your life is, be happy with your lot in life, a lovely son, lovely parents and wonderful friends and once that frown is turned upside down, you’ll gradually meet people who want to chat and maybe more

Could you be a bit more patronising?

user1471447924 · 10/07/2023 01:33

She’s right though

AbsoIutelyLovely · 10/07/2023 01:46

ScroogeMcDuckling · 09/07/2023 22:15

I’m sorry to say this, but cheer up please, the negative vibe in your message Is really draining.

Accept what your life is, be happy with your lot in life, a lovely son, lovely parents and wonderful friends and once that frown is turned upside down, you’ll gradually meet people who want to chat and maybe more

Username checks out

Mamai90 · 10/07/2023 01:53

I think you are looking at things so negatively here. I'm sure you are your parents priority, you are their child! And I could say that without a doubt you are your child's priority.

You're saying that because you're single you are no-ones priority but I wouldn't say my husband has priority over my parents, my sister, my nephews, obviously my child but that's a given. All those people are equally important to me, they all have priority in my life its not a hierarchy.

You're maybe feeling a little low with single life and I get it must be hard to not having another adult to share the little moments with but it sounds like you are loved and have good people around you which is more than many, start looking at what you do have rather than focusing on what you don't.

Yfory · 10/07/2023 02:30

Absolutely lol you nailed it!
Poor you Scrooge Are you ok? Do you need counselling to help you with how "draining" the ops thread made you feel?

Priority Im in a very similar position tbh. I suspect more people are than we might imagine but its all to easy to forget that when some crisis happens or you realise that once again if you dont do it......... no one will. Or coming home to an empty house, eating tea and watching tv, alone yet again. For me having Covid was a huge awakening of just how alone I felt. It can feel really bleak. I understand how you feel x

daisychain01 · 10/07/2023 02:47

If you're on any form of social media, which is not real-life, please step away. That's enough to make anyone feel inadequate.

Tighginn · 10/07/2023 02:59

ScroogeMcDuckling · 09/07/2023 22:15

I’m sorry to say this, but cheer up please, the negative vibe in your message Is really draining.

Accept what your life is, be happy with your lot in life, a lovely son, lovely parents and wonderful friends and once that frown is turned upside down, you’ll gradually meet people who want to chat and maybe more

Hope your not employed in the caring professions.

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 10/07/2023 04:59

I get it @priorityps. I'm in that same position. I know my sisters are there for me. But day to day, without me NEEDING to prioritise me (which they absolutely would and did) their priority is their husbands and their DC.

I'll be on the phone having a chat with my sister and her husband will come home from work and she hangs up to make their dinner.

It's the same with everyone else in my life, being the first thought for someone say in and day out is not the same as them being there for you when you need them.

It's lonely. I sometimes stop sharing things with people for periods of time because I realise that I tell them more than they tell me, because I have no one else to tell these things to whereas they do. They don't need to share with me to feel heard, or to make a connection. Whereas if I don't tell them, them I tell no one.

Original poster
priorityps · 10/07/2023 08:01

@OrderOfTheKookaburra

It's lonely. I sometimes stop sharing things with people for periods of time because I realise that I tell them more than they tell me, because I have no one else to tell these things to whereas they do. They don't need to share with me to feel heard, or to make a connection. Whereas if I don't tell them, them I tell no one.

this really resonates with me! I overshare sometimes as I have nobody to tell at home and it all pours out when I meet a friend.

OP posts:
dancinfeet · 10/07/2023 08:17

@priorityps I hear you- and same here. Single parent, kids now grown up/ at uni, I have no parents still alive, rarely see siblings and their families (am talking twice since the covid lockdowns). I have one friend. It’s very lonely.

Londonlassy · 10/07/2023 08:23

Hi OP
I just wanted to reach out and tell you how much your post resonated with me. I met my DH late in life but for more then 10 years I was nobody’s priority and it was incredibly isolating. Everyone important in my life at the time had partners and children and I remember wanting someone to help me with house hunting but knowing (and understanding) that everyone close to me weekends was packed full of family/ children/ partner priorities and I could really impose on them. I desperately wanted someone beside me when this really big life decisions but I had no one.

HollyBookBlue · 10/07/2023 08:27

What's lead you to thinking about loneliness/lack of day to day support in terms of people's priorities?

At face value it seems an odd thing to think about. At various times through the day/week I prioritise my husband, my daughter, my parents, my sister, or myself above the others because of what they need from me and when.

The way you're thinking about it seems very concrete. Like in a house fire who and in what order would be rescued? Day to day life isn't like that. But it sounds like you just want to be the most important thing in another person's life.

Astsjakksmso · 10/07/2023 08:30

YANBU OP, but you are still YOUR own priority. Always look after yourself, you will come to terms with it slowly

Astsjakksmso · 10/07/2023 08:31

Although I think for your parents.. you are still their daughter... You don't stop being their daughter just becayse you're grown up..

Astsjakksmso · 10/07/2023 08:38

Londonlassy · 10/07/2023 08:23

Hi OP
I just wanted to reach out and tell you how much your post resonated with me. I met my DH late in life but for more then 10 years I was nobody’s priority and it was incredibly isolating. Everyone important in my life at the time had partners and children and I remember wanting someone to help me with house hunting but knowing (and understanding) that everyone close to me weekends was packed full of family/ children/ partner priorities and I could really impose on them. I desperately wanted someone beside me when this really big life decisions but I had no one.

I agree.
I don't think people quite get it unless you've been there.
If you need something ASAP who HAS to drop everything for you, for example.

But like any other thing, you just have to come to terms with it.

Octopus45 · 10/07/2023 10:39

To be honest, I have a husband and two teenage Sons and most of the time I go y feel anything like a priority. I’m last on the list, feel as if I just facilitate everyone else. Don’t imagine that having a husband is the. key

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 10/07/2023 10:40

All the posters saying they prioritise different people at different times REALLY don't get it.

BigMamaFratelli · 10/07/2023 10:48

Nurka · 09/07/2023 22:17

You are your kid’s number one priority!!!

Seriously? Do you even have kids?!

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 10/07/2023 11:47

@BigMamaFratelli

@Nurka
You are your kid’s number one priority!!

"Seriously? Do you even have kids?!"

I know, right??!!

I had (had being the operative word) a child free friend going on and on and on about how my DSs would spoil me on Mother's Day and what a spectacular time I would be having.... on repeat for 2 solid weeks, lol.

I actually had to do an "Ahem, you know what day it is today, right?!" to them both and only THEN got the "Oh yeah, Happy Mother's Day" and a kiss and a very, very, quick hug.