nobody's priority

[priorityps]

I am nobody’s priority, or even close to. I am finding this really lonely. I do have good friends, involved family and nice colleagues. Many of which would be there for me if they HAD to be…. But that’s just it, if they HAD to. If there was nobody else, if it was so crucial I needed them badly. I have nobody who is just there for me. I am a lone parent and have been for 3 years. I go to Xmas day with ds and watch as my parents arrive, my siblings and their partners etc etc. Everyone has someone. Someone to check the oil in the car, remind you it’s bin day, pick up the loo roll that was forgotten in the weekly shop, get some chocolate if you’ve had a crap day, make you a cup of tea or help to get the duvet cover on the bed. Someone who is there if you have a bad day at work.

The reality is that I am in a queue for the people who are there for me. I’m after my best friend’s husband and dc. I’m after my dad with my mum and after my mum with my dad. I’m after all my sibling’s partners and dc. I get it, that’s life. I know I’m cared for and I know I have people there for me. But I’m nobody’s priority and it’s lonely. Not sure why I am posting. Feel a bit sad about it tonight.

What a horrible post. Why did you bother taking the time out of your day specifically to be unkind to someone who is clearly having a hard time?

OP I know what you mean. DP died suddenly 18 months ago, and I now feel the same.

Yes people will be there for you when you really need it, but it's not the same as the easy going 24/7 company. As a PP has mentioned, you have no-one to tell things to.

And if you really needed someone, but at the same time their OH/DC/parents/probably even the dog also needed them, it wouldn't be you they'd help, even if they regretted that they 'couldn't'.

They may come to you for a night of wine and chatter, but it has to be timetabled. You can't just say 'let's do...' on the spur of the moment, because they have other commitments, ie other priorities.

They're not there when you wake up in the morning and when you go to bed at night because they're with their own families.

It's not just the big things that make you lonely, it's the drip, drip, drip of small things.

The thing that I found hardest as a single mum with no involvement from the two dads was that I didn't have anyone to bounce off at the end of the night. You know, if your child is doing well or not so good, there was no one who loved my children as much as I did or had them as their first priority so no one really to chat to, or offload at the end of a hard day.

Then if the washing machine broke down or I got a leak in the bathroom no one was sharing the crisis with me. I had to do it all by myself. Even silly things like carrying heavy shopping home, because I can't drive, that was all my responsibility. I've ended up with what I call single mum wrists, thick wrists with very hard bones from carrying shopping, moving furniture, decorating etc Maybe I would have had them anyway, I don't know, but I always felt slightly envious of women I knew who could continue to be a delicate little flower because they always had a man to do the heavy stuff for them.

Then when I got sick, I still just had to carry on. No one even to make a cup of tea for me or show some concern. All these little things get to you over time.

What's worked for me is getting better friends over the years. Friends that will send their sons round to mine to help with the practical stuff and don't mind if I have a bit of a rant if I feel shit. I in turn, listen to them.

One of the posters on here said that you are your children's priority. In a way that's true, even if it doesn't help you now. Children don't stay children forever, they will grow up and they will see you as very important.

Other than that, I feel for you. I've been single a really long time and I've had to move on from friends who just don't get it and say the most dismissive and hurtful things to me with no awareness.

@Gymnopedie @TRexTara exactly! It's all the small things over time.
People either get it or they don't.
And again, I suppose if you have been in an abusive relationship. Or never had a good one. All these things are freedom to you still rather than having no one around.
Anyway I hope you find your peace OP

She isn't though

There are some seriously useless comments on here. If you don't get it, well lucky you.
I'm a lone parent as well and even though I have parents, siblings, friends etc, I'm not top of their lists, understandably. The shit thing was even when I was married I wasn't anyone's priority either, as exH is a selfish bastard. So being single is actually better than being married and still discarded, if you see what I mean.
OP

Oh gosh. I’m a single parent too, and I’ve never thought of it like that!

I guess I’m no one’s priority either 😁

But I wasn’t when I was married either - exh prioritised himself always, that’s part of the reason we’re divorced. Probably part of the reason the kids aren’t mad keen on going there. Plenty of married people/ people in relationships you know won’t be anyone’s priority either.

I don’t live near family or anything so really am on my own. I do sometimes think it would be nice to have someone to share the load but it’s miles bigger than being in a crap relationship.

All I can advise is to prioritise yourself more! You are important to you. Don’t feel you have to always put your kids or anyone else first - obviously a lot of the time you have to be meeting the kids’ needs, prioritising kids etc, but that doesn’t mean never thinking of yourself.

*I’m sorry to say this, but cheer up please, the negative vibe in your message Is really draining.

Accept what your life is, be happy with your lot in life, a lovely son, lovely parents and wonderful friends and once that frown is turned upside down, you’ll gradually meet people who want to chat and maybe more*

If anyone was wanting an example of toxic positivity, here you go. Thank me later.

X posted with you!

“One of the posters on here said that you are your children's priority. In a way that's true, even if it doesn't help you now. Children don't stay children forever, they will grow up and they will see you as very important”.

Not always, my siblings rarely visited my mother. The one sister visited every day right up until her kids went to school full time. Mom was no longer needed as her child minder. Another sister really used to piss me off whenever I tried to organize a family get together as she could never decide if she could come until the last minute. Her priority were her grandkids, she was hanging on until the last minute to see if they needed baby sitting.

Can you start dating? And become someone’s priority.

My observations are many married women also don’t feel they are a priority either.

I think the only permanent and long term solution for any of us is to make ourselves our own priority. If you need someone to offload to find a counsellor, organise more fun nights out via a babysitter etc etc. Take responsibility for your own needs and make your happiness a priority.

If you need someone to offload to find a counsellor, organise more fun nights out via a babysitter etc etc.

Of course they are things that we might do. But none of them are a substitute for the everyday interactions you have with someone you live with.

For fun nights out you have to have someone to go with, and as I said in my earlier post that means arranging something when that someone else is free. Yes you can offload to a counsellor, but that again means an appointment. Not something you can mention there and then. And most things that get to you are relatively trivial, not counsellor serious.

It's a lack of that free, easy, ad hoc interpersonal communication that makes you lonely.

You are your priority. Take care of yourself because you are everything. No one ever truly puts another adults needs before their own, don't buy into that myth. Plenty of people who have partners feel the same as you.

The idea that a counsellor is the same as a partner is 🤣🤣🤣

Oh Lord!can we leave the depression and how bloody hard life is to one side. Can we support OP?

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing yes exactly. The Op is missing a partner. She doesn't need counselling. She just needs a little bit of support and help.

She's not mentally ill. She's just lonely.

100% agree with you OP and I feel your pain.

I left my marriage one and a half years ago and it has felt so lonely. My whole life I yearned for the loneliness to stop but never felt noticed or loved. When I met my Ex H I thought I met "my person" but after a long 10 years of ups and downs and the marriage going toxic, I finally left the marriage with my son. My life is peaceful now but I am so lonely it hurts.

Ignore the unhelpful posts here, no one really understands this unless you've been in it.

No words of wisdom really, I just make the most of any social situations now and have made new friends and got in touch with old friends. I know it doesn't even come close to the closeness of having a partner but I am trying to stay afloat for my son. The alternative is slipping into a deep and dangerous depression. It really is a tough situation to be in. Virtual hugs to you.

I was like this for a long time when DD was little, but eventually ending up appreciating time alone and not having to rely on anyone else or put up with them. I still get flashes of "I wish someone would look after me for once", but it's really been the making of me being on my own. I've grown hugely independent as a result, I don’t think there's many things I can't do on my own any more.

H

I feel like this too sometimes OP, in fact I once said pretty much exactly this to my parents. That I’m nobody’s number one person. I have people who love me and care about me which is great but if push really came to shove and we were on the Titanic, all of them would save someone else instead of me if there was only one spot left on their lifeboat…! Dramatic as that sounds!

I’m a single parent too and there are lots of us here who can relate it seems. Although I think it’s simply a loneliness thing rather than a single parent thing per se. So you’re not alone! And I do think that the rest of society significantly underestimates how difficult being a single parent is, and the toll the isolation of the pandemic has taken on us as a group generally. Not sure what can really be done about it but in my job I talk with lots of single parents and I think most of us are having a tough time at the moment.

I was responding to ops comment about feeling worried she is off loading too much on friends. She is rightly concerned that it’s too much. It won’t help her loneliness if her friends think she is too much, and start to distance themselves. Counselling is a brilliant option to be able to off load in safety and that frees up op to enjoy socialising.

The free and easy interactions will come in time when her child is older or she meets a new partner.

I just wanted to say OP, your post really resonates. I'm not a single parent but have been on my own forever.

Good friends, lovely family - I have a lot I am grateful for. But...coming home to an empty house every single night. It's just rubbish.

@Lavender79 I’m sorry you’ve experienced this too. I really don’t think people understand unless they’ve experienced it constantly for a reasonable period of time. A one off week here and there while your partner is away is really not the same. In fact it’s not the same full stop, as you still have that person, even if physically apart!

You are your ds priority.
End of.
Start the day with your cup half full instead of half empty.
You are fortunate to have a child, parents, siblings and friends. Live in a civilised country, have a home... etc etc