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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that having 2 full time working parents is an impossible task

51 replies

Door12345 · 09/07/2023 21:28

Apologies if this sounds like a bit of a rant but I'm feeling reflective on this Sunday evening
DD aged 4 who is due to start school in September, currently attends full time nursery

Both me and DH work full time , he is out the door at half six me around half 7 both returning home around 6pm
Everything just seems like a rush all the time
No time for house work / jobs in the week then everything needs to be done at the weekend, food shop , any jobs in the home , laundry , you know the drill
Dh doesn't seem to care if the house is untidy at all , I'm not a perfectionist by any means but I can't relax in an untidy home but I feel like I'm constantly having to ask him to help rather that hom take the initiative , grass needs cutting ? Needs to be asked 20 times before he does it , I just think he doesn't care at all , I'm finding it draining as there is just never time to relax with no spare time in the week , I'd love to go part time but my DH response is ' what's the point DD will be at school all day so you might as well be at work " but when I explain well actually if I had free days in the week I could clean , food shop and make our weekends more enjoyable as a family I just don't seem to get his backing , I think this is in part as we both earn very similar and split the bills equally and if I went part time he would need to financially contribute more to cover my drop in pay , there is no option for him to go part time his job won't allow it

DH seems to have an attitude that we should relax at weekends but I'm convinced that if I never stripped the beds or hoovered , cleaned rhe bathrooms it would never get done , in the past iv been tempted to leave it just to see if he would do anything but I'm not that keen to see my daughter live in a slum

I don't know what I'm asking really
The last few weeks we have had school introductions sessions in preparation for September, iv really struggled to get the time off for these , DH has a blanket response of his work won't give him the time off , iv made it work and got the time off so DD doesn't miss out but ultimately I financially contribute equally but also feel that all the other responsibilities fall onto me , eveytime DD has been unwell or due to covid nursey closures ect it always almost certainly falls to me to take off work
It just seems so unfair and I'm feeling low
Added to this now that my work have demanded
everybody back in the office its a 90 mile.round trip for me 3 days a week and with everything I just feel like I can't cope at moment.

I'm worried I'm going to miss the big moments when DD starts school also which I really don't want to
Relationship with DH isn't great at moment just seems like he doesn't care at all when I try to talk to him
I feel so sad about it all , sat here thinking iv got that 90 mile commute tomorrow and I'm honeslty tempted to ring in sick next week just so I can clean my bloody house and get on top of things
Why is everything so hard and shit for working mums ??

OP posts:
User0311 · 09/07/2023 21:30

Following as in the exact same situation. Have 3 children 2 primary school and 1 in nursery both parents working full time. Life feels impossible

MrsElsa · 09/07/2023 21:30

Unpaid parental leave, look it up on the gov website.

Get a cleaner.

Find a childminder for wrap around care.

Mumtothreegirlies · 09/07/2023 21:31

Yanbu I find it highly unattractive when a man forces the mother of his young children to work full time and juggle everything. It’s his job as a father and a husband to provide for you all and if you’re not coping then that is his fault entirely.

BelindaBears · 09/07/2023 21:31

It’s doable but school is much harder than nursery. I’m always incredibly skeptical when people say they going to stay at home for the preschool years and go back to work when their children start school. That’s exactly the point when it becomes infinitely harder.

Lapland123 · 09/07/2023 21:32

It’s a flipping nightmare

get a cleaner?
compressed hours?

TeaKitten · 09/07/2023 21:32

Can you got a job closer to home? And a cleaner, maybe a gardener. Also probably need a better DH to be honest! I don’t think you need to be part time but a job with a shorter commute would make a huge difference.

BotterMon · 09/07/2023 21:33

Typical MN response : you have a DH problem!

Food shop online; get a cleaner who will also change bedding and do some washing/ironing. Spend 4 hours at the weekend where you BOTH do any other jobs then relax.

It doesn't need to be difficult. And as to the commute, I guess you were doing this pre-child and pre-covid so it's not something new.

mynameiscalypso · 09/07/2023 21:34

I have a DS the same age, I work pretty much full time but spread out a bit. I don't find it that hard because my DH pulls his weight. That's the issue here.

Bemyclementine · 09/07/2023 21:34

If you can afford to, I'd go part time, closer to home if you can.

Eventhedog · 09/07/2023 21:36

I worked part time when mine were small and it worked exactly as you said, I cleaned/shopped on my day off (Friday) so we could all enjoy the weekend. Im now full time (because everything is so expensive now!!), kids are early teenage and I completely agree with you! I'm exhausted. My mum says things like "you work to hard" and I want to reply that "yea but my children have this annoying habit of eating and the bank seem to think we should pay our mortgage every month" sorry I dont know what the answer is, but its crap.

Original poster
Door12345 · 09/07/2023 21:36

Its laughable with DH at times as well because I honestly think he believes its my job to keep the home cleane ans do the stereotypical female role in the house
Iv also had the comments as iv worked alot from over the years 'well your at home all day ' he can't seem to comprehended that I'm actually working and can't just swan off as I please
I really feel like something needs to give

OP posts:
Thepeopleversuswork · 09/07/2023 21:36

Mumtothreegirlies · 09/07/2023 21:31

Yanbu I find it highly unattractive when a man forces the mother of his young children to work full time and juggle everything. It’s his job as a father and a husband to provide for you all and if you’re not coping then that is his fault entirely.

I totally disagree with this perspective. Why is it “his job” to provide? What if he wants to spend more time with his young children or the OP wants to work full time? Expecting one spouse to carry all the economic burden is incredibly unfair.

But I have to agree that your problem is your DH. He seems to have completely absented himself from any domestic or child related responsibilities. Time for a serious conversation. You are a team and it’s not reasonable for him to both demand that you work more but also refuse to meet you half way on his share of the domestic load.

mokebox · 09/07/2023 21:38

BelindaBears · 09/07/2023 21:31

It’s doable but school is much harder than nursery. I’m always incredibly skeptical when people say they going to stay at home for the preschool years and go back to work when their children start school. That’s exactly the point when it becomes infinitely harder.

Can I ask why? I'm not a SAHP but I do work part time and will continue to do that once they are at school (baby & toddler at the moment). Is it harder because school days are shorter than nursery? Because of school holidays? Something else?

I'm showing my naivity here but I'd really like to know.

UndercoverCop · 09/07/2023 21:39

It's not working full time, it's full time plus commute plus a husband who doesn't pull his weight!!
We both have commutes of under twenty minutes on a normal day although do have to travel sometimes. We both also work full time over 4 days, it does mean one very long day each when the other has to pull the lion's share. It means we enjoy our weekends more and still have two full salaries.
We've split the transition days and meetings and will both flex/take leave so they're all covered, DS also starts school this year.
We also get 34 days annual leave plus bank holidays each.

Nomorescreentime · 09/07/2023 21:39

You are both working and so you need to have a sit down and split the household chores, school admin etc between you equally.

if he disagrees with that then one of you needs to drop hours in work to do it all.

babbscrabbs · 09/07/2023 21:39

It's hard because you have long working hours in the office and your DH isn't pulling his weight.

A more flexible job closer to home would help a lot.

Also I would expect your child to be exhausted being in wraparound care doing 11 hour days when they're at school.

You'll also have to think about a solution in the holidays as I don't know a single holiday club that covers 7am-6pm

UndercoverCop · 09/07/2023 21:40

I think school is harder than nursery, ours is open 7-7 (although DS doesn't go for that long) and is open 51 weeks a year. School is much shorter then you have holidays, inset days and now strike days to contend with

Buninthecorner · 09/07/2023 21:40

Get a cleaner.
Look into moving to a job closer to home.
Look into wraparound care for September now. School hours and holidays are a million times harder than nursery.
Start booking annual or parental leave to cover the school holidays. Half term, Christmas, another half term then Easter.
Tell your DH to wise up and step up.

Original poster
Door12345 · 09/07/2023 21:41

Child related he is a very good dad , he would sit and play with DD all day and they have a fab relationship , its the domestic side of things that he seems to take no responsibility for and I'm finding it hard that it all falls to me
His answer is though that it's me that wants it doing
To give an example today I asked him.
Do you mind hoovering downstairs and cleaning the kitchen I will take DD upstairs with me whilst I clean the upstairs bathroom as she likes to help
He did do it but massively complained about it
Why is it all my responsibility ?? This is why I have told him I want to go part time and If I could work say 3 days a week I honestly wouldn't ask him to lift a finger in the home as I could get it done in my days off

OP posts:
Timetochangetheoil · 09/07/2023 21:43

Door12345 · 09/07/2023 21:41

Child related he is a very good dad , he would sit and play with DD all day and they have a fab relationship , its the domestic side of things that he seems to take no responsibility for and I'm finding it hard that it all falls to me
His answer is though that it's me that wants it doing
To give an example today I asked him.
Do you mind hoovering downstairs and cleaning the kitchen I will take DD upstairs with me whilst I clean the upstairs bathroom as she likes to help
He did do it but massively complained about it
Why is it all my responsibility ?? This is why I have told him I want to go part time and If I could work say 3 days a week I honestly wouldn't ask him to lift a finger in the home as I could get it done in my days off

See I don’t think that makes him a good dad. Anyone can play with a child that’s the fun part! But he fails to meet basic care needs of providing her with a clean home/laundry etc. So he is not a ‘good dad.’ The bar is just so low for dads.

Phineyj · 09/07/2023 21:43

It feels unfair because it is unfair.

There are very likely mums at his work in similar jobs, taking time off for sick kids and school appointments.

It's not that he can't go part time, work flexibly or get time off (he's had 4 years to change employer if that really is the case). It's that he's not prepared to ask, or deal with the consequences. He should own that -- and be more grateful!

ChubbyMorticia · 09/07/2023 21:43

Since you’re having issues in your relationship, the LAST thing I’d do is cut work hours. You don’t want to be financially vulnerable.

“I work as many hours as you do. Either you take on half the house chores, or we need to pay for it to be done. Pick one, because I’m not carrying the load alone anymore.”

I’d also make it a point not to do any chores for him. He can take over his own laundry, etc. He hasn’t stepped up because he hasn’t needed to. He knows you’ll clean if he waits long enough.

FatAgainItsLettuceTime · 09/07/2023 21:45

Your DH needs to pull his weight or you need to outsource some of the work at home like cleaning. Both working FT is possible and doesn't need to mean that everyone's on the go all the time, but it does need to be fair.

Me and DH have been doing it since DD was 9 months old, nursery was easier than reception because the hours were better. Yr 2 and 3 were ducked due to Covid so we'll forget about those, yr 4 onwards started to get easier because I WFH and DD has been able to entertain herself for a bit after school while I finish work.

Dinners during the week are geared to things that take less than 5 mins to prep and then just get bunged in the oven/air fryer/slow cooker until they're ready to serve.

Uniforms are washed at the weekend and hung in sets so DD has 5 full uniforms ready to go.

2 of the laundry bag/pop up hampers in the living room, every evening DD throws all her toys in those and when they're full they go up to her room, emptied into her storage units and back down to be refilled.

We do school dinners because it's one less thing to do.

Do the food shop online.

TheaBrandt · 09/07/2023 21:45

These ridiculous men need to realise its either / or.

Either they have a working wife and enjoy the money but pitch in themselves HALF AND HALF for housework/mental load/child related time off work OR

They fund a SAHM get to continue blissfully unaffected but lose wifes salary.

Either or sunshine - you cant have both.

BelindaBears · 09/07/2023 21:46

mokebox · 09/07/2023 21:38

Can I ask why? I'm not a SAHP but I do work part time and will continue to do that once they are at school (baby & toddler at the moment). Is it harder because school days are shorter than nursery? Because of school holidays? Something else?

I'm showing my naivity here but I'd really like to know.

Show quote history

It’s just much more inflexible. DD’s nursery was open 50 weeks a year from 7:30-18:30. Obviously she wasn’t there all that time but we had the flexibility to drop her off early and pick up early (or drop off later pick up later) to flex around my work e.g. if I had an early or late meeting. Now there’s a 10 minute window to drop off in the morning and zero flexibility for pick up, must be there at 15:20 on the dot unless we use after school club, but that has to be booked as set days, there’s very little availability to pick up an extra session. My working pattern is planned virtually down to the minute and I have to say no to a lot more. 13 weeks holiday a year, teacher training days, strike days. Events in school time which I want to be there for whenever I can. We’ve made it work because my hours are flexible and I have a confident and gregarious child who is happy to be dropped into a holiday club even if she doesn’t know anyone, but nursery was far easier.