To think that having 2 full time working parents is an impossible task

[Door12345]

Apologies if this sounds like a bit of a rant but I'm feeling reflective on this Sunday evening
DD aged 4 who is due to start school in September, currently attends full time nursery

Both me and DH work full time , he is out the door at half six me around half 7 both returning home around 6pm
Everything just seems like a rush all the time
No time for house work / jobs in the week then everything needs to be done at the weekend, food shop , any jobs in the home , laundry , you know the drill
Dh doesn't seem to care if the house is untidy at all , I'm not a perfectionist by any means but I can't relax in an untidy home but I feel like I'm constantly having to ask him to help rather that hom take the initiative , grass needs cutting ? Needs to be asked 20 times before he does it , I just think he doesn't care at all , I'm finding it draining as there is just never time to relax with no spare time in the week , I'd love to go part time but my DH response is ' what's the point DD will be at school all day so you might as well be at work " but when I explain well actually if I had free days in the week I could clean , food shop and make our weekends more enjoyable as a family I just don't seem to get his backing , I think this is in part as we both earn very similar and split the bills equally and if I went part time he would need to financially contribute more to cover my drop in pay , there is no option for him to go part time his job won't allow it

DH seems to have an attitude that we should relax at weekends but I'm convinced that if I never stripped the beds or hoovered , cleaned rhe bathrooms it would never get done , in the past iv been tempted to leave it just to see if he would do anything but I'm not that keen to see my daughter live in a slum

I don't know what I'm asking really
The last few weeks we have had school introductions sessions in preparation for September, iv really struggled to get the time off for these , DH has a blanket response of his work won't give him the time off , iv made it work and got the time off so DD doesn't miss out but ultimately I financially contribute equally but also feel that all the other responsibilities fall onto me , eveytime DD has been unwell or due to covid nursey closures ect it always almost certainly falls to me to take off work
It just seems so unfair and I'm feeling low
Added to this now that my work have demanded
everybody back in the office its a 90 mile.round trip for me 3 days a week and with everything I just feel like I can't cope at moment.

I'm worried I'm going to miss the big moments when DD starts school also which I really don't want to
Relationship with DH isn't great at moment just seems like he doesn't care at all when I try to talk to him
I feel so sad about it all , sat here thinking iv got that 90 mile commute tomorrow and I'm honeslty tempted to ring in sick next week just so I can clean my bloody house and get on top of things
Why is everything so hard and shit for working mums ??

Defo issues in the relationship as well iv noticed a big shift in our dynamic I'd say the last 12 months
Our sex life isn't great I just don't want to sleep with him and I told him last night that for me it starts outside the bedroom with him being more helpful
There is an age gap in the relationship he is 20 years older than me and iv really started to notice of late the way he is with me
I'd be surprised if we are still married in 12 months way things are going
It's sad but I don't feel loved or appreciated at all

I worked full time with one child and a DH who worked a lot so wasn’t home to help with the house and it just didn’t work for us; I felt like I was barely keeping my head above water. We now have 2 DC and I work 4 days and even when our youngest goes to school I won’t be returning full time as I can bet that 6 hours they are at school for would be easily swallowed up by all the house and life admin stuff that DH doesn’t seem to notice. Also there’s a lot to be said for being able to do pick up once a week and it does make holidays easier. I’d be saying to your DH he either pulls his weight or supports you being part time

Pretty much similar arrangement to here. We both work FT in professional ex-City jobs.
The food shop is done online, we have a cleaner so all we need to do is keep tidy, laundry and hoover in the week. Laundry goes on at night and I hang whilst the kids are eating breakfast. Dishwasher is put on before bed and emptied whilst the kettle boils for breakfast.
Sunday nights the bags are packed for everything in the week. The kids have clubs every night plus those in school. Laundry baskets are always empty.
Dinners are batch cooked and planned in advance. One tray meals I can prep at lunch and throw in the oven, slow cooker meals likewise. Air fryer a godsend.

It's hard to find a rhythm but possible.

That said, I did used to have a four hour commute on top of my working day and that didn't work. I ended up off with stress and arranged WFH which has been amazing.

@mokebox

nursery you drop at 8am and can pick up any time up to 6pm, they rarely do events and they're open year round.

School is 9-3ish, you need to find breakfast/after school wrap around care, often the after school clubs only run till 5pm. There are 13 weeks of school holidays to figure out and lots of school events like parents evening between 3.30pm and 5pm, sports day, nativity, volunteering requests for school trips, opportunities to attend class and see them work, then there's all the last minute 'tomorrow is wear something green and zigzaggy day to celebrate everyone being themselves' please send your child in with £1 or 'hey we forgot to tell you we're doing dress as a Victorian day on Friday'.

Dont go part time while your dh is being an arse.

but seriously both your working days are too long for a school day so something definitely is going to have to change. Look into what you can do to make your day shorter.

as for the house, can you afford a cleaner for a weekly clean and then you really need to stress to him that his attitude is selfish and needs to change.

of you go part time he will do fuck all forever more.

Your mindset needs to change.

It is not "helping" around the home, your H isn't doing his fair share of domestic labour and that makes him a shit husband and a shit father.

What father wouldn't want his kid to grow up in a clean home?

What father wouldn't want clean clothes for his child? Healthy meals? His sick child looked after? School admin sorted etc?

A SHIT father wouldn't want those things.

By not doing half the domestic labour, your H is being a shit husband, a shit father and a misogynistic prick.

He expects you to contribute 50% of the finances, but 100% of the mental load and domestic chores. How is that equal? How is that a partnership?

In basic terms; if you left him and had 50% care of your child, your life would get easier and his would get considerably more difficult.

That is not a partnership; that's a piss take.

I financially contribute equally but also feel that all the other responsibilities fall onto me , eveytime DD has been unwell or due to covid nursey closures ect it always almost certainly falls to me to take off work

Why are these men always described as a 'good dad'? If he was a good dad he'd take time off for his child. Are there any women in his workplace? Do they have time off for children?

You both work full time so taking time off for child stuff should be split 50-50. Is he prepared to do his share of the school holiday care too or will that all fall to you and make you use holiday clubs instead of him?

I would drop a day in this situation. It will be much harder to juggle when your DD is at school because nursery is 8-6 and the school day was designed around SAHMs. Your DH is being unrealistic. Some couples do both work full time but I don’t personally know any at all. Apart from one, who has the kind of working day she can autonomously work around stuff and her place of work isn’t far from home. And a helpful, hands on DH.

I was in the same position as you with regards to us both working full time. I had a Job that required my full attention (nursery manager) I was taking work home and working all the hours possible. I found motherhood and keeping the house clean very difficult. If your child is like mine, the house is a tip about 30mins later after a clean.
I changed my job to be closer to home, that's helped alot with travel times. My little one is starting school in September so I have decided to work term time only. The reduction in my salary will be counteracted by the amount of money I used to pay for childcare.

I have to say, I sympathise slightly with your husband. After a long slog working day, I couldn't think of anything worse than the household chores late into the evening and little family time. I would prioritise play with my son and then allocate jobs each day that needed doing. And some weekends all I wanted to do was sit and enjoy some peace. My house isn't a slum, it's just a little lived in. The important jobs get done.

To help yourself a little, maybe do online shopping that can be delivered to your home, if your washing machine has a pre-set time, set it for while your working and it will be ready when you get back. You said your daughter likes to help so maybe set her some jobs she can help with including packing away her toys when finished.

We couldn’t do it. I took a small drop in hours (40 to 35) and changed my working pattern to 2 very long days, one normal day and one short day (finished by lunchtime)
Downside was I rarely saw DC in the 2 long days but the half day meant I could pick them up from school and do something with them. Also had a long evening where everything didn’t seem a big panic!
We got a cleaner for a few hours a week to do bathrooms, change bedding and hoover house. That made a huge difference.
We also switched to online food shopping which saved us even more time

No YANBU. I’m a massive advocate for women working and keeping their independence but you shouldn’t be under any illusions that you will miss out on a lot once she starts school. Each term we have at least 2 assemblies (about 2pm), parent’s evening, usually something else like a reading breakfast, coronation tea party, summer fair, music evening, Christmas show, and then a school trip/ various other things where they are asking for parents to help. And I hate to say it but the kids who go to wrap club every day don’t have the best time, the younger ones look dead on their feet. Plus then you add in a few days of sickness (yours and the kids).

I think it can be done but at a great emotional and financial cost to all concerned. I think your DH is being really unreasonable and I think you need to sit down and discuss a plan for next year. If he won’t support you going part time (and by that I mean allow equal access to family finances) then perhaps both of you can do compressed hours, so you get a day off every 2 weeks or something. Or what’s his plan? Isn’t he worried?

For this alone I would leave him

Although you are stereotyping him being the bradd cutter. I actually really enjoy cutting the grass, it's quite therapeutic.

Get a cleaner, get a job closer to home. Tell him if he doesnt buck up then you will look to separate

Yes it is hard/impossible if one of the parents isn't pulling their weight- aka your DH. I did choose to take a lower paid job closer to home after maternity leave and DH was supportive in this, he still did half of the stuff around the house and in those sickness years where its bloody relentless he did his fair share; he job is one of the least flexible ever and he managed so I'm always dubious about these men who cant- do the women they work with never have time off for their children?

Not impossible. You have a selfish partner. If his work won't let him be flexible enough to pull his weight as a parent, he needs to find another job.

I'm a single parent of 2 primary aged kids and work nearly full time. I try to do the organised mum method but my house is never tidy. I try to prioritise a clean kitchen, bathroom and laundry. I had to lower my standards. I make use of holiday clubs and after school clubs. Also do online grocery shopping if you don't already. I manage to volunteer a bit for PTA stuff on Fridays when I finish early and usually manage to get sports days etc off, but I can't do everything. My own mum worked long hours when I was young so I'm used to that side of things, didn't do me any harm and my mum and I are really close.

Get a cleaner if you can afford it, and your dh needs to step up.

Yes it's a nightmare unless you have family support and/or lots of money.

Get a cleaner and get the help you need and make your DH pay for half of it. You can’t do it all yourself. He needs a very frank conversation with you about this. Tell him straight.

if you are earning money then you don’t have TIME. He HAS to do 50 percent of the school stuff as well.

Youve got this far, I wouldn’t go part time now. For your own long term interests it’s good to stay working.

Totally understand.

When we just had DC1 (10 years ago), we drained our bank account for the deposit/monthly mortgage. I had no choice, but going back to work when DC1 just over 8 months old. Fortunately, my work offered flexible schedule for people needing it. But it was before I could drive, so it was 1 hour and 40 minutes by bus/train one way. I used to leave home 6:10am (while DH dropped DC1 at the childminder's at 7:30am) and a long journey back to collect him from the childminder just before 6pm. DC1 only got to see me or his dad one hour a day until I started driving to work which cut the commute down to half an hour door to door. It was absolutely a crazy few years still.

Once DC1 started school, I changed my schedule at work to 7am - 3pm. Just barely got back for school run. Any traffic on the road, I'd be in trouble as no backup cover for school run. Fortunately, starting earlier to finish earlier proved road-friendly.

Little time to do housework though. The house was cluttered (still is) and messy. My DH is a bit like yours, the mess doesn't bother him and he usually "doesn't see". If anything I ask him to do, need to be 10+ times and chasing day after day. Any leaves for anything to do with DC1 was mostly at the cost of my side. But admittedly, DH always earned more than I did and he's at a management position so I tended to compromise with the intent to promote his career. He knew that and did appreciate it (even though not spoken out). Your DH sounds a bit self absorbed honestly.

A few years ago, DC2 arrived. I had the courage to take a year maternity leave thanks to financial support from my parents. I thought I'd go back to work after a year, then COVID /lockdown kicked in. I quit my job altogether to focus on the two DCs. Now 4 years on, I'm still yet to go back to work, but the plan is to do so once DC2 starts school in September. God, you can't tell how dreaded and nervous I am. I really cannot imagine doing full time job, look after the two DCs needs and keep the house running at the same time. Something would have to go but I don't want the children to suffer.

As someone suggested, a cleaner would be of huge helpful. But based on my previous experience, a good one is really hard to find. All around childcare is essential, unless you have flexibility at work.

I haven't gone through all posts and you might have considered already: what's the chance of finding another job - closer located or offering more flexibility? Is your skill transferrable between industries? Some industries are more flexible in terms of working requirements than others. Might worth exploring?

There is an age gap in the relationship he is 20 years older than me and iv really started to notice of late the way he is with me
I'd be surprised if we are still married in 12 months way things are going
It's sad but I don't feel loved or appreciated at

Just read this. OP, if separation is in your mind or becoming more obvious, going part-time is probably more harmful than helpful. Preserving your career probably matters than ever.

But by saying that, I also remember someone on MN said the divorce terms favour whichever side that's disadvantaged financially...

We both work full time. DH works away all week. We can't always have somebody to attend every school event - sometimes the grandparents step in, sometimes they can't.

We do have:
• Weekly cleaner - would not be without
• Weekly grass cut
• Dog walker at weekends if we want to be out

We do pay to make our lives easier but it's definitely worth it. You can't both work full time, be parents at every event going and also run everything at home. It's just not possible IMHO. And you only have one at the moment! It's a whole other ball game with 2 at school and parties in different directions all weekend!

Just read this. OP, if separation is in your mind or becoming more obvious, going part-time is probably more harmful than helpful. Preserving your career probably matters than ever.

This. Now is not the time to be going part time or cutting hours. You may need the work more than you could ever imagine.

I have a reception age child and a 3 year old. Dh and I both work a minimum of 40hrs a week, I wfh, he commutes 30 mins each way, but occasionally travels further afield to sites.

We share the load pretty evenly, we are a team. I d a lot of the mental load stuff, but he more than pulls his weight with the kids and round the house, and he does all the house maintenance and garden work too. Even so we have struggled to keep on top of things at home. We have a cleaner, and honestly, she has probably improved my mental health more than any medication I've ever taken.

But still, the constant stuff to do, sort, remember, attend, organise is just endless with school in a way that it just isn't with nursery. Last week it was sports day, a school trip, a non uniform day, a donation, this week a summer fair, more donations, ordering school pictures, sorting out uniform for donation etc etc. Its endless.

Plus the holidays are a huge challenge in themselves. We've got a mix of leave and holiday clubs going on and planning it is a mission. We have a year planner whiteboard with it all on.

Dh is currently looking for a wfh/on site type job, so that on his office days he can be at home, and actually come to some of the school stuff. And to get time back where he's here, and can do stuff, rather than driving. He wants to be able to do more and is taking steps to make that possible.

I think if I felt like I was swimming against him, as well as against everything else I have going on daily, I really would feel like I was drowning. I couldn't live like that.

Weird, someone else posted the exact same thing an hour and a half before you….

I work part-time and can just about keep up with the cleaning jobs around the house, sort the shopping and the school-related admin. If I ever work full-time I’m 100% hiring a cleaner. As PPs have said, school is harder - for me it’s the admin, sitting down to read all the emails they and the PTA send so you don’t miss anything that needs to go on the calendar. Also the random days where they invite parents in for events, visits to the classroom, etc.

This!! Why is your life as busy as mine? My DH is dead!