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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have a conversation with manager about what I think is awkwardness/ sexual tension

61 replies

Hairyleg · 09/07/2023 19:51

Exactly this really.

Been in a hybrid job for about a year. Go on visits and then do paperwork at home. whole things been dofficult (I miss having a workplace and working in a team )

Anyway added to this I can’t help but feel sexual chemistry/ tension with the manager. A few of the following things:

  • Imtense eye contact.
  • text messages outside of work days/ hours.
  • Just a feeling. Like he will start off a convo when others are around all serious- like how’s the family- then huuuuge smiles, twinkly eyes etc
  • goinf out of his way to find me
  • double entendres
  • when carrying out a visit together (literally only one we’ve done)- sparks when touching.
  • awkwardness
  • him blushing and getting all flustered
  • him leaning in close, touching, brushing arms, and just seeming to be around a fair bit.
  • glances accross rooms

sometimes I feel pretty excited about it but it’s wrong and no good can come of it. He’s my manager. I’m married with kids as is he.

So far I have tried focussing on his negatives, went for around a month avoiding the office so not seeing him and only communicating about it specific work things via teams, responded to one of his texts worth a very lighthearted reminder that it’s a day off and I’d see him in the office which stopped the out of work messages (I was enjoying them a bit too much) etc which I thought had worked- Then we had a work social which seems to have sent the whole thing into overdrive- worse than before- and since then I think it’s really bloody obvious.

Anyway I want to nip this in the bud because I think it’s affecting work (I honestly think he’s over valuing my work, is either incredibly supportive going out of his way to help or incredibly distant).

So thinking a little combo along the lines of ‘there’s nothing awkward here/ no beef is there?’ Just to acknowledge the situation without acknowledging how inappropriate it is without shaming anyone or
makinf it a HR issue etc.

AIBU to think this is a good idea? Or any other way of doing this? Thanks for reading this far.

OP posts:
keepmovingon · 09/07/2023 21:21

Can’t wait for the next installment!

Whadda · 09/07/2023 21:22

You sound like a friend of mine. She’s fabulous but she has a genuine belief that every man she encounters fancies her.

We went for a coffee once where she told me that the little latte art in her cup was better than the one in mine because the 100% gay male barista fancied her and went to extra effort.

keepmovingon · 09/07/2023 21:22

I say go for it and see what happens if nothing else it will sell books 😂

Changingplace · 09/07/2023 21:22

Oh god don’t do this, no no no!!!

If you’re not interested just stop going along with it, ignore messages outside of work, flinch away if he touches you, stop gazing at him unnecessarily… its very easy to put a stop to it and bringing it up directly isn’t it.

Escapefromhell · 09/07/2023 21:23

May be his ‘flirting’ is nothing more than him squirming because you are giving the vibe that you fancy him and he is having difficulty handling the situation… but not in a good way.

Tread carefully OP, people in these situations (you) often see what you want to see…

Freshair1 · 09/07/2023 21:24

grabs popcorn

Mumoftwoinprimary · 09/07/2023 21:25

No no no. You will both end up having a restless unsatisfying conversation about how “in a different world” you so would. But you can’t. But you would. And lots of long longing looks and all the rest of it.

And having had the conversation once you won’t be able to drop it. It will go on and on and on until you convince yourselves that you should shag to “get it out of your systems” and an affair will start.

The last time I had a conversation like this, 18 months later I married the bloke! (In my defence I was a teenager with an “on again, off again” university boyfriend. Not married with a family. The damage was limited to our mutual friends being a bit pissed off and my (soon to be) ex boyfriend attempting to shag half the corridor in our hall of residence and ensure that I found out about it.)

CrazyArmadilloLady · 09/07/2023 21:29

I’m so glad to see the advice has gone the way it has.

Do not have the conversation.

All it will do is guarantee complete negativity from him towards you at work. Either because you got the wrong end of the stick and so he over-compensates by being cold, distant and critical.

Or because you got the right end of the stick and he over-compensates by being cold, distant and critical.

Just start behaving professionally, as you would with any other colleague.

CrazyArmadilloLady · 09/07/2023 21:30

Whadda · 09/07/2023 21:22

You sound like a friend of mine. She’s fabulous but she has a genuine belief that every man she encounters fancies her.

We went for a coffee once where she told me that the little latte art in her cup was better than the one in mine because the 100% gay male barista fancied her and went to extra effort.

She doesn’t sound ‘fabulous’….

Stomacharmeleon · 09/07/2023 21:31

God I have second hand embarrassment for you. Please don't do that.
Wait your Christmas party like every other person. Then you can blame it on the booze.

Lavender14 · 09/07/2023 21:33

Def do not say anything. He's your manager and if you've got this wrong then if he's the person you work with most then that's a recipe for disaster. If he's making you uncomfortable then yes report to hr but if not then I wouldn't say anything and just be very professional with him and maintain your boundaries.

PurpleBananaSmoothie · 09/07/2023 21:37

No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

It’s like the opening line from a bad romance novel. Except this isn’t fiction, you’re both married with kids and this is your professional reputation at stake. You’ll be the oldest cliche in the book if you have a meeting about this.

Ihatepickingausername3 · 09/07/2023 21:37

Better to say absolutely nothing and take a step back OP

ThisIsACoolUserName · 09/07/2023 21:38

Nope. If it were me, I'd go on a campaign of bigging up my husband and family life, combined with a period of acting utterly sexless. No, it shouldn't be necessary, but it would nip it in the bud.

Charlize43 · 09/07/2023 21:40

Maybe I am old fashioned (56) but this all sounds like massively unprofessional behaviour and not how you should conduct yourself at work.

Also, little to no mention or consideration to other half's / kids.

Aquamarine1029 · 09/07/2023 21:42

First of all, he sounds like a fucking creepy weirdo.

Secondly, for you to even consider speaking to him about this, I seriously question your judgement.

TimeToRecover · 09/07/2023 21:45

Beef??? How old are you 😂

BunnyBettChetwynd · 09/07/2023 21:46

It doesn't sound like the job is suiting you anyway. Get the hell out of there and find another job before you make a fool of yourself or end up in some kind of shitty situation with a manager who might well be pulling the same stunt with all your colleagues.

TheProcrastinati · 09/07/2023 21:47

Ask him to pull your finger when you have a big fart at the ready. Should help reset any sexual tension.

Aquamarine1029 · 09/07/2023 21:51

TheProcrastinati · 09/07/2023 21:47

Ask him to pull your finger when you have a big fart at the ready. Should help reset any sexual tension.

This idea is actually preferable than you making a collosal tit of yourself by talking to him about it.

Smoothiecarton · 09/07/2023 21:53

Nooooooo you can’t do this!!!!

Besttobe8001 · 09/07/2023 21:57

He's probably like that with every woman he meets.

marblesthecat · 09/07/2023 21:58

God no, do not bring this up.

Saschka · 09/07/2023 22:02

I mean, there are two options here, neither good.

Option 1, he does indeed fancy you, and you two have a series of increasingly horny secret conversations where you both breathlessly insist that you can never shag each other even though you both desperately want to, culminating in you shagging each other.

Option 2, he has no idea what you are talking about, has no interest in you whatsoever, and you are so embarrassed you have to leave the country.

Just act normal around him and ignore any evidence of flirting, and eventually your crush will pass.

DuckonaBike · 09/07/2023 22:19

Just here to join in the chorus of Nooooo!
Do not do this.

Keep your distance, act professionally and let it pass.

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