Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mum won't visit me

39 replies

Temptingtiger · 09/07/2023 16:26

I moved 2 years ago with DC age 6. We live about 12 miles from my mother. She has visited once, and I had to collect her. She says she can't drive on the road to me. I admit it is a heavy single road, lots of lorries etc. But she was prepared to let me drive on it to collect her and take her home.

Mother recently got her bus pass and said she'd come on the bus. She cancelled that morning saying she couldn't use the bus because of her IBS.

I'm single and don't have much money to keep travelling. My DC is very upset that nan doesn't visit as her cousins get to see her.

Recently my uncle (mum's brother) was diagnosed with cancer and has just finished treatment. Mother has made plans to visit him on the train and bus (after her husband has offered to drive her).

Am I being unreasonable to feel a little bit miffed that she's able to make that trip, but not come to see us?

I have ASD and am struggling to understand mother's reasoning.

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 09/07/2023 16:30

It's common after the menopause and as we age to lose confidence when driving. It's a safe journey, she just can't do it. As for travelling by train, there's toilets. Unfortunately this should have been thought/talked about before you moved.

Topseyt123 · 09/07/2023 16:30

How frequent are buses to your place from hers?

Sounds like she doesn't like driving, which is something I can understand (although I do driv for local journeys, and would count that as local).

I see why you are finding it frustrating though.

DeedlessIndeed · 09/07/2023 16:34

I thought you were going to say you moved to the other end of the country... 12 miles! My gosh, I get that some people are not confident drivers (most female members of my family!) But I can see why you'd be upset at only 12 miles...

Original poster
Temptingtiger · 09/07/2023 16:35

The buses are every hour. The journey takes half an hour. Unfortunately I had to move away from my previous area due to DA. I kind of feel abandoned 😪

OP posts:
luckylavender · 09/07/2023 16:39

Ponoka7 · 09/07/2023 16:30

It's common after the menopause and as we age to lose confidence when driving. It's a safe journey, she just can't do it. As for travelling by train, there's toilets. Unfortunately this should have been thought/talked about before you moved.

Rubbish excuses

Jongleterre · 09/07/2023 16:42

@Ponoka7 'It's common after the menopause and as we age to lose confidence when driving. It's a safe journey, she just can't do it.'

WTF? I'm 57 and I have never known any woman that this has ever happened to!

ImNotReallySpartacus · 09/07/2023 16:42

It seems a bit unreasonable on her part, but maybe you need to expand your social circle and not become too dependent on your mother visiting-her reluctance to drive will probably get worse as she gets older.

70sTomboy · 09/07/2023 16:44

DM hasn't visited me for nearly 30 years and 2 house moves, I see her a handful of times a year. She lives 25 miles from me.
I would just crack on with your own life.

BiscuitsandPuffin · 09/07/2023 16:47

Ponoka7 · 09/07/2023 16:30

It's common after the menopause and as we age to lose confidence when driving. It's a safe journey, she just can't do it. As for travelling by train, there's toilets. Unfortunately this should have been thought/talked about before you moved.

Was this a double blind study based on a representative sample of women or just something you decided based on your own individual experience and possibly someone else smiling and nodding when you put forth your idea?

BiscuitsandPuffin · 09/07/2023 16:48

OP your mum is being utterly shit but I think you have to accept that you can't change her and just live a full and meaningful life by yourself, and point out to her when she whinges that she never sees you that your door is always open and all she has to do is show up.

tedgran · 09/07/2023 16:51

I'm 75 and happily drive, have to go on M3 to see my DD and her family. The only roads that I find difficult are the tiny ones in deepest darkest Devon where my stepdaughter lives, some of them have grass growing down the middle!

Pearlsaminga · 09/07/2023 16:52

I'd be upset too, 12 miles is nothing, I'm nearly 60 and I'd walk 12 miles to see my daughter & grandchildren, I cant imagine not wanting to help & support them!
However, you cant make someone want to be part of your support network, I would treat her as coolly as she treats you and try to build alliances with others for mutual support.

caringcarer · 09/07/2023 17:08

luckylavender · 09/07/2023 16:39

Rubbish excuses

Show quote history

What rubbish. I'm 62 in a month and drive all over the country. I often do a 200 mile journey to visit sisters in Deven and 150 miles to visit MiL and son in Yorkshire. I'm always driving foster son around little country roads for cricket matches. You are still a normal person after the menopause and able to do normal things.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 09/07/2023 17:10

Do you go to hers?

SayHi · 09/07/2023 17:10

Gently, I think YABU.

I do understand what you’re saying and I’d feel a bit upset too but you chose to move away and it’s not fair that she’s the one having to pay out just to come and see you.

There is obviously a reason she’s not coming and I do think the drive is anxiety based.

I know someone who can only drive to certain areas and it really does have an impact on her life. She can’t change jobs or go to a different supermarket because they’re the only two places she can go.

If you have ASD then chances are so does she and travelling might be a real issue for her.

If you drive then going 12 miles to visit her isn’t a big deal and it means your DCs get to see their cousins too.

RoseBucket · 09/07/2023 17:13

Yes that’s poor, it’s what 15 minutes in a car or taxi, why can’t her husband drive anyway so you not get on?

LorraineInSpain · 09/07/2023 17:13

I don’t understand your mother’s reluctance to visit, but if it’s only 12 miles and you drive then how often do you go and see her?

My parents visit me much more than I visit them, because the travelling is easier from their perspective than mine.

pointythings · 09/07/2023 17:23

I'd want to see some data before believing the menopause excuse - I'm 55 and I drive all over the place, including lengthy runs to Plymouth and back where my DS is at university.

If you lose confidence driving, the answer is to boost your confidence by getting some refresher lessons, not by indulging in avoidance and making your world smaller.

Original poster
Temptingtiger · 09/07/2023 17:24

Mum's husband still works so doesn't get much time to himself. We all get on well enough. They have my sister's child at the weekend. DM collects her and takes her home. They live about 8 miles away. I do try to visit once a month but I struggle financially.

OP posts:
InceyWinceySpidy · 09/07/2023 17:28

Temptingtiger · 09/07/2023 17:24

Mum's husband still works so doesn't get much time to himself. We all get on well enough. They have my sister's child at the weekend. DM collects her and takes her home. They live about 8 miles away. I do try to visit once a month but I struggle financially.

Ok, so seeing this, your mum is being a dick, sorry.

If she can drive 8 miles to collect one grandchild, then 8 miles back and look after her all day, then it's nonsense that she can't drive 12 miles ever to see you. Blaming the road type. When there's a bus she can take for free as well. Really.

DappledThings · 09/07/2023 17:32

12 miles? That's a local popping out. My mum is 76 and happily takes her half of the 240 miles it takes to get to me. She's never done it entirely alone but 2 years ago she did central London to home (150 miles) solo when my dad temporarily couldn't drive.

Has she always been a nervous driver or is this new?

Nanny0gg · 09/07/2023 17:35

Jongleterre · 09/07/2023 16:42

@Ponoka7 'It's common after the menopause and as we age to lose confidence when driving. It's a safe journey, she just can't do it.'

WTF? I'm 57 and I have never known any woman that this has ever happened to!

I don't know if it was menopause or just age but I'm nothing like as confident as I used to be

I'd do that journey with no issues however

Ponoka7 · 09/07/2023 17:38

luckylavender · 09/07/2023 16:39

Rubbish excuses

Show quote history

Not excuses, reasons. So she's just expected to shit herself?

SayHi · 09/07/2023 17:45

Temptingtiger · 09/07/2023 17:24

Mum's husband still works so doesn't get much time to himself. We all get on well enough. They have my sister's child at the weekend. DM collects her and takes her home. They live about 8 miles away. I do try to visit once a month but I struggle financially.

This is perhaps why she can’t visit you because she’s looking after your sisters child.

If her DH is working and she’s not then I assume during the week she makes his meals and spends time with him like other couples do.

Have you spoken to her about it?

Original poster
Temptingtiger · 09/07/2023 17:46

I understand DM reasons, but if she can travel by train and bus to see her brother, it sounds like excuses to me. Plus, she happily drives to my sisters. DM used to drive us around the UK as kids, we went to so many places. I think she has lost some confidence after retiring. Maybe I could suggest the driving courses to her. Does anybody know where I might find this?

OP posts: