Mum won't visit me

[Temptingtiger]

I moved 2 years ago with DC age 6. We live about 12 miles from my mother. She has visited once, and I had to collect her. She says she can't drive on the road to me. I admit it is a heavy single road, lots of lorries etc. But she was prepared to let me drive on it to collect her and take her home.

Mother recently got her bus pass and said she'd come on the bus. She cancelled that morning saying she couldn't use the bus because of her IBS.

I'm single and don't have much money to keep travelling. My DC is very upset that nan doesn't visit as her cousins get to see her.

Recently my uncle (mum's brother) was diagnosed with cancer and has just finished treatment. Mother has made plans to visit him on the train and bus (after her husband has offered to drive her).

Am I being unreasonable to feel a little bit miffed that she's able to make that trip, but not come to see us?

I have ASD and am struggling to understand mother's reasoning.

The whole menopause campaigning started a couple of years ago and celebrities speaking out about their anxiety completely passed you by then? Like puberty and pregnancy, not every woman's menopause and its symptoms will be the same.

@Ponoka7 OP's mother drives to see other people and travels by public transport to see other people. It isn't good enough that she just says she can't travel to see OP.

And if you develop anxiety, you seek support to overcome that anxiety. You owe it to yourself to not shrink your life down as you get older, isolation is unhealthy. I have every sympathy for people who struggle with their mental health - two of my DC do - but I don't have a lot of time for people who won't even try to help themselves feel better.

I'd be upset too. Exotically as she's able to get about on public transport to see other people! Menopause isn't an excuse in this situation.

12 miles... Tell her to get a taxi

@Ponoka7, I didn't make the sweeping generalisation that women past menopause couldn't drive far.

Do you live near anywhere of interest to her or in the middle of nowhere?

The reason I ask is because my MiL won't drive the 8 miles to our house because there is nothing around us that she can coincide with a visit. Therefore, a "wasted journey". Whereas she'll drive the 30 miles to SiL no problem because she can go to Ikea and Costco whilst there and have lunch in a nice cafe or restaurant.

TBH it sounds like her energies go into your Sister and her child and there is nothing left for you.

Basically favouritism.

Sorry sounds like just excuses to me.

It stings doesn't it. My mother hasn't visited me for over 20 years and expects me to drop everything to drive to hers where I am not allowed in any room but the kitchen (and sometimes not in the house at all). I don't go any more. I would never do it to my kids, menopause or no menopause.

Why should she spend money on a taxi though when OP drives and is the one wanting to see her more often.

My mum rarely visits me because I have other siblings and so we go there as it’s central and it doesn’t matter if she’s seeing me because my sister can still see her without driving all the way to mine.

I usually have to stand in her tiny kitchen. Her 'DH' is usually in the front room watching tv glowering at me for visiting

Could it be less about the driving and more about her being upset that you've moved "away"? You have to visit her to prove that you're the diligent, loving daughter?

Has she always treated you differently to your sisters or is this new?

Jeez, another thing blamed on the menopause? I'm over 60, many years post menopausal, a very confident driver, and I travel all over the place by bus, train and plane. On my own. In fact I've become more confident in every way as I've got older. My older female workmates are the same.
I have IBS too. Doesn't stop me travelling.

I'm 71 and just come back from driving in Cornwall down the A30 and M5, other pps are right your mum has some sort of issue.