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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DC Hobbies

26 replies

calypsoclaudya · 09/07/2023 14:42

DH works full time, I work part time.
DC (3yo) has started expressing interest in doing a hobby class on a weekend ie sport and the like. It would take an hour out of the weekend including travel.

DH doesn’t want him to do it as it eats into DH time with DS on his weekend off. DH feels the same about birthday parties.

Is DH BU?

OP posts:
Justcallmebebes · 09/07/2023 14:44

Yes, your DH is unreasonable and lazy and it's not all about him and his wants anymore

PuttingDownRoots · 09/07/2023 14:45

Part of parenting is doing what is best for the child, not the parent sometimes.
I would look for a weekday class for now.... but they become inevitable as they grow up.
He's being silly over birthday parties

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 09/07/2023 14:45

Of course he's being unreasonable. It's not about him.

Original poster
calypsoclaudya · 09/07/2023 14:47

No classes of this type are available in the week - I looked as that was also my preference.

OP posts:
jeaux90 · 09/07/2023 14:48

It's a really important part of their childhood. Your DH doesn't have a toy, he has a child.

Dinosauratemydaffodils · 09/07/2023 14:58

Absolutely unreasonable. Yes, it's a pain when one of us is hanging around for 2 hours 48 saturdays a year whilst 5 year old dd does back to back dance classes or we're standing in the rain watching ds play football but it's part of having children imo. As are birthday parties. Does he insist your dc decline other people's party invites too? If so way to set your kids up to actively dislike you.

We tend to incorporate weekend activities into our weekend. So for example if ds has a game on Sunday, we might all go and then we'll do something as a family. Or whilst dd is dancing, dh might take ds swimming. Also an hour is nothing.

What does he do with your ds at the weekends at the moment?

Refrosty · 09/07/2023 15:00

Once you get started, it just becomes a part of life. You absolutely have to do it, how else will you see your child enjoying that particular hobby.

It's the norm tbh. Tell your DH that it's only an hour, and he might surprise himself by enjoying the time out together (if he gets to watch your DC participate). It should not feel as if time is being 'taken away'.

Ilovelurchers · 09/07/2023 15:08

Controversially (it would seem) I actually see your husband's point. I have always (secretly) despised it when my daughter has had clubs, parties, rehearsals etc at a weekend - I very much see that as family time - not necessarily to be doing a load of full on activities as a family - but a chance to hang out and spend time together.

One of my best friends' DDS does activities pretty much all day on a Saturday, and I always think how much i would hate it - it would prevent me doing so much stuff I love doing with my daughter!

I do think it speaks rather well of your fella that he wants this time with his son too - you read about alot of dads on here who can't be arsed to spend time with this kid because they are too busy gaming or playing golf or having affairs or whatever they do - at least your husband takes his responsibilities as a dad seriously!

However, if your child really wants to do this activity, and weekend is the only time he can do it, perhaps on this occasion your husband's feelings haxe to come second.

He's not wrong for feeling like that tho!

I would also question how ardently a three year old can desire to do any particular activity, but my own child may have been unusually lackadaisical at that age!

cocksstrideintheevening · 09/07/2023 15:09

Of course he is bu, what's he going to do when they have a social life and need ferrying around. Keep them in?

Original poster
calypsoclaudya · 09/07/2023 15:32

Honestly, I think he resents that I have more time as I’m only part time (agreed at the time). He keeps asking me to leave DC at his parents on my days off, I’ve said I’m not keen to and we see them every weekend. He think IBU.

OP posts:
Dinosauratemydaffodils · 09/07/2023 15:44

He keeps asking me to leave DC at his parents on my days off, I’ve said I’m not keen to and we see them every weekend. He think IBU.

Any chance this is driven by his mum wanting more time/control? How close are his parents? And what sort of childcare do you use when you're working. It's not your parents is it? Wondering if activities/parties are red herrings in what's really a fight over who sees the grandchild more.

Original poster
calypsoclaudya · 09/07/2023 15:49

Both parents are nearby. DC is in nursery 3 days a week.

I see my parents on one of my days off for lunch (3/4hrs) at theirs. We spend pretty much all day at his parents on a weekend day.

He doesn’t feel it’s enough and they need ‘alone’ time with DC. No idea why.

OP posts:
UsingChangeofName · 09/07/2023 16:00

If we think dh is BU, should we be voting YABU (as in, he is) or YA N BU because you think he is BU ?

I think the way the question is asked, is confusing, so might have voted the wrong way. I don't think I am likely to be the only one.

Obviously dh is being unreasonable, but the poll is split.

Original poster
calypsoclaudya · 09/07/2023 16:04

Sorry, yes - it’s YANBU if DH is BU.

OP posts:
Springingintosummer · 09/07/2023 16:27

Why don’t they provide you with a day of free childcare if they are so keen to be with your child!

Sissynova · 09/07/2023 16:30

I don’t think it’s controversial to think he’s resentful of you having not only more free time but also more quality time with the kids. Presumably he loves his kids aa much as you and he doesn’t feel like he gets enough time with them.
Are there ways to bring more flexibility so he can have more time with them too? Go down to 4 days? Flexi time? A 9 day fortnight?

drpet49 · 09/07/2023 16:32

Ilovelurchers · 09/07/2023 15:08

Controversially (it would seem) I actually see your husband's point. I have always (secretly) despised it when my daughter has had clubs, parties, rehearsals etc at a weekend - I very much see that as family time - not necessarily to be doing a load of full on activities as a family - but a chance to hang out and spend time together.

One of my best friends' DDS does activities pretty much all day on a Saturday, and I always think how much i would hate it - it would prevent me doing so much stuff I love doing with my daughter!

I do think it speaks rather well of your fella that he wants this time with his son too - you read about alot of dads on here who can't be arsed to spend time with this kid because they are too busy gaming or playing golf or having affairs or whatever they do - at least your husband takes his responsibilities as a dad seriously!

However, if your child really wants to do this activity, and weekend is the only time he can do it, perhaps on this occasion your husband's feelings haxe to come second.

He's not wrong for feeling like that tho!

I would also question how ardently a three year old can desire to do any particular activity, but my own child may have been unusually lackadaisical at that age!

I agree with this. I also agree with your husband that it is important for children to have one on one time with Grandparents.

Original poster
calypsoclaudya · 09/07/2023 16:45

Why do GP need 1:1 though…I leave them to it when we’re there. Cook, wash up and run errands outside of the house so it’s not like I’m there hovering. We use them for childcare when they need it.

DC will be doing three days for the foreseeable due to drop off logistics and we believe it’s important to socialise (lockdown baby had catching up to do).

ive come up with solutions which mean he could go pt but he doesn’t want to give up our lifestyle. I happily would to see more of him.

OP posts:
Original poster
calypsoclaudya · 09/07/2023 16:46

Re three year old doing an activity - we have professionals of this sport in our family so he was introduced at a young age and really loves it.

OP posts:
Dinosauratemydaffodils · 09/07/2023 16:54

Re three year old doing an activity - we have professionals of this sport in our family so he was introduced at a young age and really loves it.

Your family or dh's?
Could dh and his parents take dc to this activity and then out for lunch as a "special" thing?

Original poster
calypsoclaudya · 09/07/2023 16:56

My family but Dh is welcome to be involved

OP posts:
maryberryslayers · 09/07/2023 17:25

Extra curricular activities are really important for children. Don't let DH take opportunities away from DS, he sounds quite strange and controlling.
If your family excel at this sport your DS may have a natural flare which should be encouraged!

Original poster
calypsoclaudya · 09/07/2023 17:35

I don’t think he’d mind if I worked FT too. Deeper issues at play, maybe

OP posts:
Diddykong · 09/07/2023 17:39

If you decline parties then eventually you don't be invited. Don't do that to your DC.

Dh does a lot of our club runs at the weekend and actually likes the bonding, often takes them to the cafe afterwards or songs ridiculous songs in the car etc.

Original poster
calypsoclaudya · 09/07/2023 19:04

I’ve broached it again and he now says he’s worried about DS not seeing DSC (EOW) enough due to parties, etc.

the plot thickens

OP posts: