Mat leave + 3 hen do's/weddings SOS

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So I'm 7 months pregnant and due in September with my first baby. Like most people, mat leave is going to be really tight on us financially. Husbands wage + SMP only covers our outgoings so we're having to save to make sure I can try and be off for as long as possible with the baby.

Issue I have is that I have three hen dos during this time. Normally, I would just explain I can't attend and why and send my apologies. However, it's a little more complicated as I'm in the wedding party for all three weddings!

1st wedding - middle of Aug next year. A close friend and I am a bridesmaid (she asked me whilst I was pregnant and knew I had agreed to the other weddings/wedding parties first)

2nd wedding - also August next year. Again a close friend who asked me be bridesmaid (found out I was pregnant about 2 weeks later).

3rd wedding - next Nov. It's my sisters wedding and I'm MOH!

Im already very worried about affording the dresses, hair etc for each wedding but I'm mostly worried about the hens. They're all going to be May/June ish next year when I still plan on being off work.

AIBU if I only drive up for the day/ possibly do one night at each? (This will exclude my sisters hen as hers is abroad. I'm going to go so this is more to my two friends).

I'm worried my friends will feel like I've made the effort for my sister and not them. I also don't want to leave my baby for three weekends to essentially go out partying. I've tried to bring it up to one friend who basically said it'd "ruin her weekend" if I left half way through and she doesn't seem to understand.

I feel so stressed because I want to be there for them all. It's a special time and I want them to know I value our friendships but I also don't want to leave my baby and feel like I'd essentially be giving up another month off (if not more) work to afford it all.

I only got married two years ago and they were ALL amazing and made me feel special. I want to reciprocate that!

My husband is only going on one of the stag weekends. We said we would try and do a little abroad trip with the three of us but now I'm thinking we won't be able to 😔😔

AIBU?

I would say now to all of them that you don’t have the budget and have to prioritise your home finances with a baby on the way.
You can attend their weddings to be there for them.

Were they there for you when you had a hen do and a wedding?

I know plenty will now say, it’s not the same, there’s a kid now. But in real world, it hurts when one was there for the person and once they pop-out a kid can’t be bothered, or acting their life now is more valuable.

You don’t need a new dress everytime. And you have a good year to save money / come up with a plan / your husband doing the dad part.

Are they expecting you to pay for the bridesmaid dresses yourself? Do you get to choose the dresses?

With all the hens you can do what you can afford. I wouldn’t think too far ahead to not wanting to be away though, by then you might be really looking forward to a weekend (or three) of not being mummy. So just say you’ll save what you can but times are tight and you‘ve 3 weddings in a short space of time so you might not be able to afford all of it.

Just be honest with your friends and explain you won’t be able to afford all 3 hen dos on mat leave and offer to step back from the wedding party and just be a guest if it’s an issue for them. You can’t magic money out of thin air and true friends will appreciate that.

I thought brides laid for bridesmaids dresses unless you are in the US.

just be honest now, tell the friends you can’t afford to buy three bridesmaid dresses, and certainly can’t afford 3 hens as you are in unpaid mat leave. Your sister is the priority as she is family.

as I friend I would understand

Paid not laid!

Hen do's have become ridiculous nowadays. I have no idea why people need to go abroad. Surely an evening out with a meal and/or drinks or something is plenty. I wouldn't be going to any of them if they involve silly money/activities/travel etc, I'd say that you go for a meal separately. Attending a hen do is not a sign or not of a good friend, the wedding is the more important part.

Also, are you taking the baby with you abroad? Are you sure you will feel comfortable if not? Finally, some people take more than a couple of months to recover from childbirth, others do so much quicker. I would be nervous about booking a trip abrpad so soon after in case you aren't able to go.

Yes you have to be very mature and straight forward.

’I love you all, and am so sorry, but I will be on unpaid maternity leave and money will be extremely tight. I just won’t be able to afford to attend hen parties or purchase dresses and I am absolutely gutted about that. You are so important to me but I have to be honest by saying I won’t be able to be a bridesmaid - but I can’t wait to attend your weddings as a guest and wish you all the love in the world.’

I wouldn't bring it up a year in advance. That's madness. You're worrying a lot about something that hasn't been planned and has no budget. I'd try and do as much as I can considering they did it for you. But also you've no idea whether your child will be breast fed, sleeping or what at 12 months old so I definitely would just not bring it up until you're organizing the actual hens.

Sorry - 8 months old

Surely the bride pays for bridesmaid dresses & hair ? Or accepts bridesmaids can do their own hair & choose a cheaper dress of their choice / wear something they already have.

Re hen dos just be honest. If bride wants expensive hen, she has to accept not everyone can come.

Doesn’t matter what they did when you got married. Circumstances have changed. That’s life. When my first close friend got married we were all mid-20s with disposable income so she had long hen & wedding abroad. My most recent friend to get married didn’t even get a hen as everyone in friendship group is 40s with young kids & mortgages now. That’s life.

Bride pays for the bridesmaids dresses. Never know it different. Re the hen dos explain to the bride's...

I would be shocked if they expected you to pay for your own hair/bridesmaid dresses - I thought in the UK the bride paid for all that. It's been the case at every wedding I've been involved in and for everyone I know that had or was a bridesmaid.

Honestly I think you probably should have said no to the 2nd friend given at that point you know you were pregnant and already had 2 other weddings at the same time or at least said 'Look I'm so flattered but I've already got x and y's hen do's and weddings that year and I'll be maternity leave so won't have much money so I doubt I'll be able to come to your hen, or do everything you'd expect and deserve a bridesmaid to help you out with. If you still want me to I'd love it but have a think in case you'd rather pick someone else who can commit to it.'

But given you have committed to them all, I agree with @TumbleweedRolling, - mumsnet is heavily skewed towards prioritising your children over absolutely everything else in your life (until they turn 18 when they should become completely independent overnight) and also has a bizarrely high proportion of extreme introverts (I say that as one myself) who hate most social interactions but particularly hen dos, so you will get a lot of people saying to prioritise yourself/baby. Which isn't technically wrong but it's also understandable that if people put themselves out for you, that they'd expect a certain level of reciprocity in a genuine friendship.

I'd wait and see what's suggested for each hen. It might work out not too bad, in that one might be at the start of May, one at the end of June so a bit of space. The one who has said you'll be ruining it if you leave early is being silly - all the weekend away hens I've ever been to everyone arrives/leaves at different times, some only do one night etc. because everyone lives in different places, has commitments, etc.

I don't think your suggestion of just going to one night of the hen is a fair way to keep costs down - and is likely to annoy people more. They will still need the same amount of space to accommodate you for one night as if you went for the whole thing, but you won't be paying for it?? IE they are all subsidising you.

(I am assuming it's a rented Airbnb type situation - if it's you booking your own hotel room that's different.)

I also agree with PPs that I'd be hurt having put in that effort for you a few years ago if you didn't reciprocate it, having said you would - different with a 3 month old, but not that far on.
I'd be gracious about it - your friend saying it will ruin her weekend is being ridiculously dramatic - but my feelings would be hurt and I'd feel like you didn't care about me as much as I do about you.

But if you really can't afford to be in the wedding parties you need to own that and say so now, not wait until nearer the time.

Sorry but i think YABU with your point about not leaving your baby ‘ to party’. You’re allowed a life still, and they’ll be nearly 1 by then. I’d be pissed off if one of my bridesmaids did this. The money is different, but I’d really try and make the effort. Surely you’ve had advance notice to save before your mat leave. They made an effort for your wedding / hen and it’s not their fault you’ve had a baby.

And brides should really pay for your dress and hair, I’ve never heard of bridesmaids paying this themselves

If you were my friend and were honest about not being able to afford it, I would accept that completely.

Posters focusing on how hurt they’d be astonish me. Really? Your friend tells you how they just can’t afford it and are on Mat leave, and you’d throw a petulant tantrum about - what? The fact that your friend isn’t going into debt for you when she has a small baby? Fuck.

When you had your wedding did your bridesmaids have to buy their own dresses?

I’ve been bridesmaid about 5 times and one time I did have to buy my own dress, but I wouldn’t say it’s the norm. Do you definitely expect to be spending your own money as your friends’s bridesmaid?

Also agree you shouldn't be budgeting to pay for your dress or hair and make-up at any of these weddings if you're bridesmaid at all of them. Bride should be covering all of it. Hair and make-up being optional anyway.

And if you go to a bit of a hen-do then leave early it's more noticeable than mot going at all. Plus makes costs for everyone else much more complicated if you are splitting accommodation

When I got married I paid for my bridesmaids dresses and hair. I know two of the brides have casually mentioned we'll be buying our own but haven't said anything officially. The third just hasn't said anything.

I think I'll just be very honest with all of them before I commit to hen dos. I want to be there but I don't just have one wedding to consider - I have three. I will try my best to do them all but I just don't know if I financially can!

@WaitingfortheTardis baby will be almost one (11 months) by the time the abroad hen happens and I plan on bottle feeding. He'll stay at home with my husband.

My only worry is affording it 😂

If your friends love you they’ll
understand. If they want you there they’ll try to accommodate what you can manage and afford. I’m really sorry your friend accused you of ruining things for her.

It’s totally reasonable to prioritise your sister’s wedding where you are MOH.

I agree with the commenter who suggested it might be cleanest to say you can’t afford it (hen, dress etc) and so regretfully maybe it’s better you aren’t part of the wedding party for your friends.

I’m slightly shocked at the “they did it for you, you should do it for them” comments.

My baby is 5m old and I wouldn't be happy spending more than one night max away from him and I wouldn't want to be more than an hour away from him either.

Be very clear with what you can offer them, then they all have the choice of a local/cheaper hen with you included (with lots of thoughtful games and memories etc) or a bigger abroad/away one without you. You could also offer to organize a pre wedding celebration dinner for each of them for the female guests that cant go to the big hen do. You might also want to consider dropping out of bridesmaid 'duties' if you can't give them what they want and just be a normal unstressed guest.

It's a shame as the first few brides that get married in friendship groups usually get the big expensive celebrations as everyone is younger and freer and more excited to fly away, the girls who spend thousands on these and then get married younger are often told that their hens won't be a priority financially/time wise as the first brides have kids. I would name this with them and say how unfair it is you know and you really do appreciate the expense and effort they went to for you. That would really help the relationships.

After you've said all this stop stressing and focus on your pregnancy xx