Mat leave + 3 hen do's/weddings SOS

[colourPink]

So I'm 7 months pregnant and due in September with my first baby. Like most people, mat leave is going to be really tight on us financially. Husbands wage + SMP only covers our outgoings so we're having to save to make sure I can try and be off for as long as possible with the baby.

Issue I have is that I have three hen dos during this time. Normally, I would just explain I can't attend and why and send my apologies. However, it's a little more complicated as I'm in the wedding party for all three weddings!

1st wedding - middle of Aug next year. A close friend and I am a bridesmaid (she asked me whilst I was pregnant and knew I had agreed to the other weddings/wedding parties first)

2nd wedding - also August next year. Again a close friend who asked me be bridesmaid (found out I was pregnant about 2 weeks later).

3rd wedding - next Nov. It's my sisters wedding and I'm MOH!

Im already very worried about affording the dresses, hair etc for each wedding but I'm mostly worried about the hens. They're all going to be May/June ish next year when I still plan on being off work.

AIBU if I only drive up for the day/ possibly do one night at each? (This will exclude my sisters hen as hers is abroad. I'm going to go so this is more to my two friends).

I'm worried my friends will feel like I've made the effort for my sister and not them. I also don't want to leave my baby for three weekends to essentially go out partying. I've tried to bring it up to one friend who basically said it'd "ruin her weekend" if I left half way through and she doesn't seem to understand.

I feel so stressed because I want to be there for them all. It's a special time and I want them to know I value our friendships but I also don't want to leave my baby and feel like I'd essentially be giving up another month off (if not more) work to afford it all.

I only got married two years ago and they were ALL amazing and made me feel special. I want to reciprocate that!

My husband is only going on one of the stag weekends. We said we would try and do a little abroad trip with the three of us but now I'm thinking we won't be able to 😔😔

AIBU?

I agree

Sorry @colourPink I misread the part about when you would be going. If you think you will feel comfortable being away from him overnight then I think you should only do that hen do and not the others. I don't think you should allow this type of thing to put a strain on your finances.

Were the brides expecting you to buy your own bridesmaid dress bridesmaids at your wedding when you provided theirs?

I would just present it as a problem to them and ask what they'd prefer. I.e. I can't afford to attend all three hens plus pay for dress, wedding gift etc. I really want to prioritise being at your wedding and so think I will need to drop out of the hen but I'd feel so guilty about doing that given how good a friend you are. What do you think? Etc etc. Then they think it through and hopefully realise there isn't another solution.

Perhaps you could also suggest once you're back at work that you could (separately) take the two hens out whose parties you can't join for a celebratory afternoon tea/boozy lunch etc to make up for it. It's the thought that counts. If they don't appreciate the thought and your financial challenges they are not a good friend.

Thanks for the advice everyone! I will approach the subject with them and if they'd prefer for me to step down as bridesmaid then I understand and wouldn't be upset.

Here's to hoping it goes well and they understand! I'm worried more about one friend over the other 😂

And as some of you are asking, they weren't Bridesmaids at my wedding. Neither of them - they were just guests. I had mostly family as bridesmaids with only two friends and they've both gone for friends only.

Can your parents help out at all with the cost of your dsis wedding/hen so you just have to factor in the other two?

@Unexpecteddrivinginstructor unfortunately not. Neither of my parents have great financial situations.

Honestly we have a 10 year old DS and I went back to work when he was 4 months as we were moving house. Looking back it made no difference to his childhood as much as it didn't feel like it at the time.

Being objective missing out on important life events would have made me miserable, which wouldn't have been the best for him.

If your going back to a well paid job have you thought about a 0% credit card? Debt isn't the worst thing on the planet, if you can pay it and it gives you great memories with your friends and family.

Why would a friend not being able to afford your hen do hurt your feelings?

I get being sad that she couldn't make it or sympathetic to someone having to budget but you'd have to be pretty self absorbed to be hurt, shes not being poor to spite the brides

All of this.

once they pop-out a kid can’t be bothered, or acting their life now is more valuable.
This.is a ridiculous statement. Circumstances change and once you have a child, the child has to come first. It certainly isn't that they can't be bothered and it's unfair to say it is.
Hen parties are not compulsory!

If you're buying your own dress then just wear the same one to each.