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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for feeling a little bit envious?

36 replies

Embelline · 08/07/2023 09:02

I’ve changed a few details as I know my sister is on here but I’m feeling really jealous of her new relationship. I’m REALLY happy for her, but it doesn’t change the envy.

quixk summary: I broke up with DH after finding out he had cheated, I briefly got together with my best friend who is male but it didn’t go well, and now DH and I are trying to make things for work (we have a three year old DS). It’s going well, but I think it’s fair to say I’m not misty eyed with the romance of it all.

Dsis had a failed marriage, then stayed happily single for a while before getting together with her childhood friend (male) which to be honest wasn’t a surprise to anyone, they were made for each other. They hadn’t been in touch the whole time like me and my best friend, so that side of it was a surprise, but had a very intense bond as children and literally just clicked back together and are in the midst of a bit of a whirlwind romance now.

I’m thrilled for her genuinely but I also have this gnawing jealousy. It all seems like she’s getting her (well deserved) happy ending and it’s making me look at my situation and think “is this mine?” I can’t work out if I’m envious of the new thrill of a new relationship or if I’m envious it’s actually worked out with her friend where it failed with mine. Which would be awful if that’s the case because as I say, I’m trying to make things work with DH and it’s actually going really well.

We are going on a family holiday this year with dsis and her partner and Our parents and I’m kind of dreading it. She’s excited about it and excited about life in general and I’m just finding that I’m taking a step back and avoiding her a bit :(

AIBU to feel this way? Someone tell me to give my head a wobble.

OP posts:
Togiveandtoreceive · 08/07/2023 09:03

I wouldn’t have bothered NC OP

You say your sister is on mumsnet.

Unless you have changed loads of details, pretty bloomin outing! 😂

Original poster
Embelline · 08/07/2023 09:04

I have changed a fair few, don’t worry. I switch around details whenever I post as well just incase.

OP posts:
Togiveandtoreceive · 08/07/2023 09:05

Unless of course you have threads attached to your previous name where you reveal you and her new guy are having an affair or some such drama of course!

Togiveandtoreceive · 08/07/2023 09:06

How long has she been worn this new chap?

Original poster
Embelline · 08/07/2023 09:06

ha nope nothing like that don’t worry. That would be very mumsnet though!

OP posts:
Togiveandtoreceive · 08/07/2023 09:07

Any children involved on either side?

Togiveandtoreceive · 08/07/2023 09:07

On your sisters side

MerryMarigold · 08/07/2023 09:07

Give your head a wobble! She's just enjoying this phase. It'll last a couple of years max. It's very natural to be jealous BUT focus on the good things (especially when you're on holiday): you have your sister with you, you get on well, you have a loving family (by the sounds of it). If you keep focusing on feeling jealous, it will show. You have to tell that feeling to go away and not ruin the good bits of you getting back with DH, or of enjoying your time with your sister and the wonderful relationships you have. Life is up and down but your mind set can make a great difference to how up or down you go.

Original poster
Embelline · 08/07/2023 09:07

Since late last year. But they’re still very much in the honeymoon phase which I suppose is what I’m comparing my situation to.

OP posts:
Togiveandtoreceive · 08/07/2023 09:08

It’s very mumsnet to be going on a family holiday and dreading it given the number of threads I see about this and wonder WTF?

Togiveandtoreceive · 08/07/2023 09:09

Embelline · 08/07/2023 09:07

Since late last year. But they’re still very much in the honeymoon phase which I suppose is what I’m comparing my situation to.

So 6/7 months? Be happy for you sister that in honeymoon period

but we all know that it will settle and pass

you have your own marriage to focus on work on and being jealous of your sister is going to make that very difficult

is your DH joining the holiday? Bloody bell that sound awkward

Original poster
Embelline · 08/07/2023 09:10

Tbh that’s my fault, I should have declined the holiday but our parents are getting older )obviously! Everyone does!) and dad isn’t in brilliant health and I guess I kind of thought it would be a nice thing for us all to be together.

OP posts:
Createausername1970 · 08/07/2023 09:11

You aren't being unreasonable. I think everyone has moments of questioning their own situation in comparison to others.

You are dealing with the aftermath of your DH cheating. This is a big thing and I respect you for giving it another go, many wouldn't. I wouldn't get too hung up on your sister's apparent happily ever after situation. Many relationships start this way, but it will tone down after a while.

Be happy for your sister, give your head a very gentle wobble, and look after yourself and concentrate on what you want.

Caravanvirgin · 08/07/2023 09:11

I wonder if this jealousy cause is really your poor relationship with your DH. What is going on there? He cheated and then you split up and now you’re back together. Why have you decided to give it another go?

Togiveandtoreceive · 08/07/2023 09:13

Presumably your family know about your husband’s affair?

how long have you been giving it a second go

not sure how happy I’d feel about someone joining that I know hurt my daughter / sister and granddaughter/niece so badly

Hotterthanhades · 08/07/2023 09:18

I think envy can be a useful emotion as it makes you see what is missing from your life. It shows us what we really want in life.

I don’t think this is about your sister. This isn’t because you resent her. It’s about what’s missing in your life.

life hasn’t turned out the way you want. Are you sure you want to try again with your husband?

WimpoleHat · 08/07/2023 09:19

I think it’s natural to feel a bit jealous - human nature unless you’re an incredibly selfless and generous type. So accept it and own that it’s not your finest hour and try not to
let it spoil your holiday or your relationship with your sister. Think about it this way - would you want her to be with an arse and unhappy? Of course not. So this is about you and how you feel about your own relationship. You’re getting some new fresh insight into you and how you feel about your own situation. And that’s ultimately going to be helpful to you.

pilates · 08/07/2023 09:21

Maybe you are feeling like this towards your sister as you are feeling insecure in your relationship. Are you having doubts that you can make it work?

happyfoot · 08/07/2023 09:25

I suspect your jealousy about your sister is really about your own doubts about your decision to get back with your husband who cheated on you. Jealousy usually comes from a place of hurt and fear about an aspect of our own lives. Eg if your husband hadnt cheated and you were wildly happy, you wouldnt give her relationship a second thought.

Dont get distracted by her circumstances, thats a red herring, instead, have a look at whats really underneath this feeling and what it might be indicating to you about your own decisions.

Pinkdelight3 · 08/07/2023 09:38

it’s making me look at my situation and think “is this mine?”

Surely it's all about this and not really about your DSIS at all. You believe (rightly no doubt) that you're worth more than a DH who cheated on you. Your sister's current happiness may be shining more of a light on that than you'd like, but it's really all to do with you and DH, so you have to commit to the long-term goal of believing that making it work is the right thing to do for you (not just for your DC) and so there's nothing to jealous of because this is what you want, or else accept that you're never going to feel that way and that anything like your sister's situation is going to make yours feel inadequate. Either way isn't easy and I'm sorry DH has let you down like this, but it's him and your marriage that you need to focus on as the issue, not your sister at all. You can only be glad for her.

mondaytosunday · 08/07/2023 09:41

Natural to feel a bit envious, but come on, she's been through a divorce and now has found happiness, do you think she might have been jealous of your relationship during that time? Maybe. Did she not want to see you then? And don't you think you can find happiness again too? Seems sad that you can't separate your sisters happiness from your own circumstances.

noglow · 08/07/2023 09:43

Embelline · 08/07/2023 09:04

I have changed a fair few, don’t worry. I switch around details whenever I post as well just incase.

I'd still work out it was me if all the best friend childhood friend holiday stuff is accurate

Togiveandtoreceive · 08/07/2023 09:45

Op are you coming back?

Original poster
Embelline · 08/07/2023 09:49

I am coming back in just on my way out so will catch up properly when I’m in thanks for all the replies

OP posts:
Original poster
Embelline · 08/07/2023 15:01

Sorry, long day.
I got back with DH because I wanted to, I love him, we have a lot of history, we have a child.

Posters who have said it’s probably more about me and my life are probably spot on, it hasn’t turned out how I thought it would and I am a bit of an old romantic at heart. I guess I really believed in the happy ever after.

I think it stems from seeing how much he clearly adores her, the way he looks at her, the small things he does like holding doors open and holding hands etc which we don’t really do anymore. But we have been together a lot longer and I do appreciate that it all dies down eventually.

I do need to give my head a wobble!

And again, I’m very confident that the situation will not be recognisable to my sister from this post but I can’t say why, as then it WILL be obvious!

OP posts: