How do you avoid conflict over screen time with your tweens?

[toosweaty]

I've got a 12.5 year old, going on 18 year old, DS.

We've had boundaries/time limits for phone time usage, gaming etc - because honestly, he would be on it 24/7 if we didn't. On a non-school day, I'd say about 2.5-3 hours gaming. An episode or 2 (20 mins) of a programme he likes. Plus he has 1.5 hours limit on his phone - I'm guessing he mostly uses that for WhatsApp or You Tube brain-dead scrolling.

I don't think that's too restrictive (he does, of course). But It's a bottomless pit, so whenever we relax and expand time on this stuff, he then insists he needs more. It's his demand/go to whenever he's not doing an activity - like his sports, or going to the park (where I'm sure they're all on their phones).

I care about him not being on this stuff all the time. But equally, two strike days this week was a warning shot of what summer holidays will be like. Conflict over it and stress for me.

I don't want to fight with him. Neither do I give up all my beliefs.

What do parents do for this age group? Am I fighting a losing battle?

For those of you who want to simply tell me to grow a spine and walk away - he has a will of f**ing iron. It's like talking to a top notch barrister. Honestly. Unless you have a child who goes for the war-of-attrition approach, you have no idea how relentless it is

Following as I’m in a similar boat with dc. It’s even more difficult when your DH is a gamer

Yes, that's hard

Mine is 15 so he is a bit older but honestly? I've never limited screen time.

There are conditions - homework and chores MUST be done first, but then I let him do what he wants. If his school work started suffering due to screen time then I'd make him cut back, if it started to affect his behaviour or attitude then I'd make him cut back. He does go out and see friends at weekends but when he's home he's mostly on screens.

We're living in an increasingly digital world, I sit in front of a screen all day for work and watch telly when I get home so I guess I'm no better.

You say 'these are the limits and if you argue then I'll take it away completely the next day'.

Also get his dad to do some of the policing.

Also stop engaging in the debate.

Would it help to have some rules like 'no gaming before 4pm and only if you have done X Y and Z that day'. Then at least you know he's doing 'other stuff'.

I only allowed screen time once all DD's homework and chores had been done. No phone allowed in bedroom so it worked out ok.

Have tried loads of things over the years with our multiple DC, we don’t limit screen time as such now but do have the devices set to not come on until 9am and switch off early in the evening. The kids know to expect this and know it’s pointless arguing with their decide so don’t get the same grumbles as when we had to tell them to turn it off. Also lots of extra curricular activities, they do something on nearly every day and during holidays we go out etc. I give them advance warning and reminders of all this so it not just like I’m unexpectedly interrupting a fun gaming session to say we’re off on a walk or it’s dinner time! As they’re so busy generally, make sure they get out and exercise every day etc then I don’t think it does too much harm to chill on their games when we’re not busy doing something else

But different for me as both my boys have ASD, but I don’t limit screen time.

He spends time gaming, watching videos, watching movies which leads to drawing tutorials, model customisation, imaginary games etc.

He is perfectly happy not to use screens when we’re out, loves going out, loves play dates etc.

I pick my battles and screen time is one I choose not to have.

I limit screens to about 3 hours on a non school day with my 13 year old. I did too with the older ones up to the age of about 16 when then it's encouragement as they are too old to be told.
I am just clear about how much they can go on. Ask them their plans and remind them about 20 mins to go that their time is up.
I personally found with no limits they were on for 6 or more hours a day and doing little of anything else. Screen time is increasingly being linked with poor mental and physical health and a bit like the "my nan smoked 100 fags a day and lived to 98" anecdotes I do everything I can to make my kids as happy and healthy as possible and part of that involves being a mean Mum.
It does involve moaning and the inevitable "I'm bored" but once that passes they find other stuff to do. Tend to contact friends and go out together, or draws, reads and makes some thing.

The trouble can be that the more you try and restrict, the more of a battle and issue it becomes.
When DS was younger we used to try and delay the times he went on his PlayStation etc because it was easier to do that than to stop him once he was on - so if he knew it was time for a shower at 7pm, we would keep him busy with other things until 6pm.
If I had've told him he could have an hour after school there would be no getting him off it after that hour, whereas shower time brought it to a natural end if that makes sense?
Then he discovered the guitar and although loud (!) screens took second place.
DD (12) we've not had to restrict yet, she's not interested in games, it's luckily just her phone but I try and make sure she's busy and doesn't have hours of time on her hands - after school clubs, dancing, Scouts, homework.
Somebody once said to me that the key to navigating tweens teens etc is to make sure they have an interest. They do need to manage technology in their lives but just try and facilitate as much other stuff in there too.

I get the will of iron thing, one of mine is also very persistent. I have a rule that if they’ve mithered me about something, they don’t get it. Because I hate being nagged at and bothered, so my rule is that it can’t ever work. They get a warning ‘I’m feeling nagged about this’ and after that it’s always a no regardless of whether I might have said yes in other circumstances. Then I go and have a bath or do the bins or whatever, repeating ‘I said no’ as necessary.

On screens, I have it set up with automatic time limits, switch off times etc as much as possible so that I’m not enforcing it. And I offer lots of non screen options (including a mix of nice days out and chores).

I don't specifically limit screen time but I offer other things for DS to do. We'll go for a walk, I'll offer to take him to town to see his friends, we'll play a card game or watch a film together, he'll go to his scheduled activities.

All of DS' friends game and he's very social with his friends via the PlayStation so for me, restricting him interacting with them because I don't think he should be on his PlayStation over a set period of time seems a bit archaic.

And during strike days I'm working from home so I just don't have the time to be monitoring how long he's been playing Fifa.

This is the approach we take with DS11. So if we say 1 hour and he starts whinging for more, we say "it's an hour or nothing. If you don't come off after an hour, you're on a total electronics ban (no phone, TV or anything) tomorrow."

This is an excellent approach imho

We have a screen loving 12yo. Her drug of choice is YouTube, which I think we've limited to 2hrs daily (1 hour on each of two devices). I prefer to be more flexible with the rest - sometimes she's watching something half-decent, or we'll have a family Mario kart session, and I think those things are less mindless than hours of flicking through YouTube shorts.

She does however know that when I call time, it's time. Usually that only happens at the weekend. She grumbles like anything, but I remind her that if she resists then there will be proper fixed time limits. She's never happy about it, but I don't need her to be.

Dd14 week days she has to do homework then gets access to devices until she goes up to bed. Leaves them downstairs and has to do reading before sleep.

Weekends I give her more free rein if we are home and I'm just doing chores.

Dss (10) is banned from YouTube all together. He was found watching poppy playtime last summer and it's totally inappropriate. He's been a much better child to be around ever since. Helps that we don't have to listen to screaming gamers any more.

He gets 30 mins of a weekend (Friday and Saturday night) to chill out in bed watching TV. Of a weekend morning he gets an hour on the xbox while we get organised. Maybe an hour or so in the afternoon too while we are cooking or whatever.

He gets a maximum of 3 hours on his phone a day and once that time is up its up. He knows the score and only very occasionally asks for extra. That will only be allowed if we are on a journey back from somewhere in the car. But he also knows that for 50% of the journey he has to chat to us. Its probably the only time we get consistent interaction from him.

The rest of the time if watching TV he knows he has to pick something we can all watch. Be that a film or TV show. If he doesn't want to do that then his options are a family board game or him playing with his toys/lego/ out on the field for a kick about.

It's also part of his daily routine that we get out for a family dog walk. Then once a week he has swimming lessons, golf lessons and jujitsu.

Saturdays are set aside for a family day. Although that will not be happening today since I'm due to be induced tomorrow and his dad has a stinking cold. He's ok with the occasional day to chill though.

Oh and week days he gets half an hours reading time before bed. Plus has to do any home work as soon as he gets home from school. That usually only takes half an hour though.

Not really limits, just rules on what else needs to be achieved otherwise he loses it, plus if it puts him in a mood, the internet goes off. Annoys me that all homework is on a screen, so he never gets away from the bloody screens! Plus I've told him off a few times for staring at it for too long, to find he's doing homework 🤣

My 12.5 year old earns screen tokens for doing sport, music etc...

So 10 mins piano practice gets him 10 mins on screen.

I have no objection to an 8 hour gaming binge but he has to earn it.

Youtube is limited to 15 mins as i dont want him sitting watching crap all day!

He gets 1 hour on his phone on a school day as he has a 30 min bus journey each way.

I dont actually limit screen time. ControversialI know. But i feel its their leisure time and id be irritated to be told how to do leisure.

But i do have other boundaries around screens- so an hour before bed, the phone, x box and computer all have limiters, and they stop. This isn't presented as a screern time limit, just its now bedtime and its about the right sensory environment for sleep.

We also have to approve any games are appropriate. And we can check what they are watching, messaging any time and frequently.

They have to help prep meals and eat with us.

They have to do homework and their clubs, come out on family trips, have friends over.

So screens arent an alternative to being part of actual life.

But if there isnt something specific going on I think its ok to spend a day doing screens.

The biggest issue is you tube which you have to watch like a hawk or ban.

Thanks all, really helpful stuff.

I agree about You Tube. It's a cesspit

My approach is to make sure they're doing lots of other stuff, so there is a "natural" limit on the time available for screens. So my DC do lots of sport and music, plus homework obviously, and we have a strict "no screens at mealtimes and phones are left downstairs overnight" rule (except for DC1 who is 17).

We had a few rules. No screens at table, ever, and we always ate together. No screens in your room after bedtime. They get charged downstairs.
An hour after school is fine decompression time. But then homework and sorting stuff for next day has to be done before any more screen time (exception if they have agreed to game with friends, then they work around the agreed time.)

At weekends they had to get fresh air and exercise every day.

As someone who was/is a gamer myself I would say that when I was that age if I wasn't at school I was primarily on my computer. Personally I don't see the issue. I always got my school work done and I socialised when I fancied it but generally have always been a massive introvert and can happily go days without leaving the house or speaking to people.

I have two young DC right now so I do very little gaming. But I'll go back to it as I get more spare time.

For me the main issue with kids is ensuring that all the important stuff gets done first (homework, part time job, household responsibilities etc) and that they are exposed to more than literally just gaming/the internet. But during school holidays where they'll have much more free time, it stands to reason they'll do more of their hobbies (which might mean lots of gaming etc).