Mum's, how do do it?

[mummatam]

I am exhausted. I'm a first time mum to a very happy 15 week old girl. I have a hands on DH and my mum and dad are nearby if I need help. But wow, I am in awe of mums. SAHMs, working mums, all mums. Please share how you find a spare half hour in your day... Any spare time I get, I just want to sleep. I used to love doing things with my day eg. Baking something, going for a browse in shops or to a gallery.. but now I just don't care. I would rather nap. I barely get dressed properly or do my hair or makeup. I can't seem to muster up the energy to do anything beyond making sure baby is happy, entertained, fed, bathed etc.

I walk down the road and see women dressed nicely with young and multiple children. I wonder how on earth they're so put together. I feel like the entire motherhood thing has hit me like a bus. I don't even care about going on holiday because it feels like too much effort with a dependent.

How do you do it mums?

15 weeks is still definitely in the “difficult early days” stage - honestly, that is why we have maternity leave! You aren’t meant to have time for anything else.

I did find that getting DH to do some stuff by himself, even when he was back at work, helped his bond, and also meant I could get an uninterrupted nap. He used to do the 6am feed and nappy change before going to work, which meant I could sleep through to 8am, and saved my sanity (I breastfed but we had to mix feed to start with due to prematurity, and then I carried on expressing so he could do one feed a day).

Once DS was over 6 months, I also used to go to the gym every Saturday morning - substitute going for a coffee/swim/walk if you aren’t a gym person. It was lovely to have a couple of hours to myself.

I haven't had an hour to myself for 8 years now. I work so I suppose that's 'me time's but I've not browsed a shop or been able to sit in a cafe or watch a film etc.

so many myths around parenting, motherhood. we're fed this idea that being a mum is easy, you can look gorgeous and well rested, have a great career and the perfect baby and be in great health. For many of us it simply isn't true (depending on our baby, how well it sleeps, our partner / support system, life and financial situation etc etc). As a LP I was utterly shattered and had bad PND for several years. still not sure I have the hang of it and still not looking perfect 10 years later lol! it does get easier but don't buy the myths about motherhood that you see on social media or others seem to put across etc etc. IME it's completely the opposite - a hard tough long slog that can be physically and mentally exhausting, not to mention the toll on the body!

@mummatam You are doing a brilliant job and your baby is still very little, as previous posters have said, and it is common to still feel utterly exhausted and unmotivated for quite a while with a new baby.

However, (and I say this with the utmost kindness), I think we need to be real here. By nearly 4 months most mums start to feel better and have more energy so I would check a couple of things. I had PND three times and there are signs.

Do you feel worse than you did a few weeks ago?
Is your postpartum health ok? No infections/tears/mastitis etc that aren’t healing?
Do you feel like socialising?

I’d highly recommend having a chat with Pandas. They’re an amazing charity with a helpline and email service for ANYONE struggling a bit postpartum, even if you don’t think you’ve got PND.

I disagree with PPs - I don’t think it’s ‘normal’ to feel like this at 4 months. It’s common, but not normal, and from my experience, noticing the signs of PND early on is key to getting better quickly.

How do you know how they are feeling about parenting? I find the idea of judging them when you only go on how they look is odd really

I had my first at 22, and was out and about every day after about 2 weeks, I had to for my own sanity. Doing my makeup and getting us both out made me feel less trapped. I would dread coming home because it meant sleepless night, sterilising, cleaning etc. I was doing it all alone too.

With my second and third I was the same, although less dread as I wasn't all alone. You have to remember you have no idea how well they're coping no matter how put together they look. I'd get comments about how fast I'd bounced back and how they couldn't manage getting out of their pjs for months but in reality my mental health was shit

I had 5DSs and 1 Ss who stayed every weekend but I don't think so much was expected of us then .I always worked . They're grown up now. I remember reading a book called from.here to Maternity which had lots of quotes from first time mums . I found that really comforting . Someone should do an updated version !

It will get better I promise. It's hard going at that age. I'm a SAHM to a 19 month old and I honestly love it.

Are you going to any classes?? I have to get out in the morning and afternoon otherwise it is hard work!x

OP you are not alone! That motherhood bus hit me, knocked me down, revved its engine and reversed over me for good measure when dc turned ten months and I went back to work.

it is hard!

my best advice is: lower your expectations, lower your standards, find other mums to have a giggle and a cuppa with, and buy a really good baby carrier or sling!

You're really in the thick of it now. It does get easier when you start getting more of a routine and they sleep for longer chunks (about 6 months). Longer day naps mean you can get stuff done as they could last 2+ hours which is plenty of time to have some lunch, a nap, and run the hoover round if you choose! Longer stints of sleep through the night mean you won't be as tired in general and you'll have more motivation.

I had two under two and it made me feel exactly like you do now. Frazzled!! Try not to compare yourself though, I think even those that make it look easy are probably struggling in some way x

Also agree with a PP - Mum friends are my life saver! No pressure to do anything or look nice. We just sit around with our messy mum buns drinking tea and moaning talking about our wonderful children!

Everyone is different. Every baby is different. Some days I draw strength from finding 10
Mins to straighten my hair and throw on some lippy. Some days I could t give a hoot. You do you. OP you're doing a great job and motherhood is HARD.

You are in the earliest baby days OP! You're doing brilliantly! I'm nearly 5 years in, and it's normal to be exhausted. Once they get older, some things get a little easier, and some get harder, but you adapt along the way.

At each stage, I find that you find a rhythm and go with it. I have two DDs (one nearly 5 and one nearly 2.5). We don't have any family nearby to help, so DH and I do everything. We have made choices to make it work, mainly financial. I work part time, and DH has a job where he can WFH two days a week, so he can help with nursery run, school run etc. We use wraparound care for eldest DD, and nursery for youngest DD. He was offered another job with a significant pay increase, but there was zero flexibility, so he turned it down. We were both incredibly relieved. Money isn't everything! I also enjoy working, as I wouldn't like to be a SAHM. Everyone is different though, and as long as you do what suits YOU and your family, you'll find your way. Congratulations on your baby!

Thank you all for your kinds words and support. I think a part of the stress is that we also bought a house just before DD was born and we're trying to finish renovations etc at the same time.

I haven't been out socially at all - I go out mostly to furniture shops or to pick tiles etc, or for DD's baby massage etc. Someone mentioned PND... it could be that. I feel like I don't recognise my own body much, I am doing physiotherapy for mild incontinence (something which makes me tearful when I think about it). Today we went to a bed shop to pick mattresses and the salesman said that "he isn't calling me fat, but if I lose some of my weight I might make a different mattress choice". He really laboured how he understands I'm not fat but probably just weight from having a baby. It was so embarrassing. DH is super wonderful and supportive and has pretty much seen all the gory bits, but I'd have appreciated to keep a shred of my dignity in front of him. Sorry I think I'm just offloading.

Going from 0-1 was the worst for me!

I looked worse in the year after my first than when I had three under 4...

The shock of the reality of a baby floored me, particularly as other posters have said, he was not an easy baby. Makes a massive difference.

Plus you've got to remember you may be catching these other families at a rate moment when they look like they have got it together, when most of the time they do not.

He said what?! Please tell me you didn't buy anything from that idiot?

I didn't. I feel so crummy.

I'm so exhausted. I want an entire day of doing nothing, yet it seems like everyday I do nothing. I wanted to really make the most of this mat leave and have the most magical moments with my bubs but my goodness, I did not anticipate how exhausting everything would be.

I would absolutely make a complaint about mattress guy. I’m furious on your behalf reading that. (not the point of the thread I know).

I found the early stages incredibly hard. I had a real turning point at 6 months when we did sleep training and managed to sleep ourselves for some longer stretches.

Now I look back and wonder if I had PND, but I really don’t think I did. I think I found it incredibly hard because it was incredibly hard.

It does get easier though OP. You will get back to feeling more like yourself, it just takes time.

I hope you complained about the salesman!
What an idiot!

@mummatam your little one is only 15 weeks old, be kind to yourself.

Baby is still tiny, don’t put pressure on yourself. Try to do something each day that makes you feel like yourself - whether that’s baking or a full face of makeup, just whatever would make you feel more like you. Don’t worry about what you look like if you can help it. This is the time to let all that go!!
I wish I had used the sling more when DC was tiny to allow me to do stuff - maybe try this?

Be kind to yourself. It does get easier. It's a bit like learning to drive, when you can't do everything at the same time and your hopelessly uncoordinated. Then it just clicks.

Being organised even when you are shattered helps. Repacking a nappy bag when you get in rather than just before you go out for example. Easier to remember your precious baby shat all over the spare vest and onesie in Starbucks when you are unloading the bag than right before you go out next time 😂

As for the chic put together mums. If you were naturally like that before you had a baby you'll get your shit together again. If you were more in the slob territory but scrub up well then your whole personality is unlikely to change especially with severe sleep deprivation. Creating a bit of a uniform for yourself helps. I realised after DD1 was born that I didn't own any tops that were suitable for breastfeeding really.

Thank you everyone for your kind words. I will never not be in awe of mothers. Having a baby is the single most toughest thing I've ever experienced and I see mums out there everyday doing it with so much love and I suppose quietly. And I think that's why I never really truly appreciated it up until I experienced it myself.

I feel really lonely :( DH back at his very intense job, he has long hours. I feel like my body is wrecked. I miss my old body and convenience of life very much, I love my baby so much and am very lucky to have such a good baby.

I suck so much

I think you just muddle through. We had our first at just 18 and my husband and I had no support. It was tough but we had 3 by the time we were 25 and our youngest was born disabled. Not sure how we got through it but they're all over 10 now and our eldest will be an adult by the end of the year.
our lives are sooo much easier now and it goes by so fast that before you know it you think 'wow well that was over with quickly' and then you wonder why you were ever stressed.