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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I should have been told this first?

66 replies

brushed · 07/07/2023 12:28

My DD10 has just got back from a few days at her dads. She's told me her younger sibling there (who she shares a room with) has just got chicken pox. DD has not had chicken pox before and we go on holiday at the end of next week.

AIBU in thinking I should have been told about the chicken pox before she went so we could have had the option of her staying at home until her sibling was no longer contagious?

OP posts:
ZekeZeke · 07/07/2023 15:06

DD not DS

ManateeFair · 07/07/2023 15:11

YANBU. He should absolutely have told you so you could make the decision - regardless of whether you were due to go on holiday or not, as chickenpox is a rotten thing for a 10-year-old to endure at the best of times.

Agree that you need to try and find somewhere, anywhere, that does private chicken pox jabs pronto, even if it means a long drive and a day off school for DD to get it.

In fact, even if you can't get her vaccinated before your holiday and she manages to escape catching it this time, then I would get her privately vaccinated after the holiday - she's already 10 and if she gets it as a teenager or as an adult, it can be a lot more serious. My sister had it at 16 and was extremely ill with some lasting side effects.

Original poster
brushed · 07/07/2023 15:57

I've spoken to a few private clinics this afternoon and they've all said it's too late to have the vaccination now 😫

If she doesn't catch it this time then yes I'll definitely think about getting her done.

OP posts:
DelphiniumBlue · 07/07/2023 16:05

My experience of CP( anecdotally, I'm no scientist) is that it does generally take 21 days to incubate.
What does Ex say? Did they actually realise it was CP? Did they try to keep the girls separate? It sounds pretty bad on the face of it that they didn't tell you.

Original poster
brushed · 07/07/2023 16:09

@DelphiniumBlue Yes he knew it was chickenpox but thought it was time our shared DD caught it, apparently.

He didn't try and keep them separate- they shared a bedroom the whole time.

OP posts:
Wildlyboring · 07/07/2023 16:33

That's really irresponsible and definitely not for him to unilaterally make that decision, I'd also be very annoyed.

Iwasafool · 07/07/2023 16:41

From memory when my kids had it I think it is most infectious for a couple of days before the spots appear so you might be lucky. I hope so.

MargaretThursday · 07/07/2023 17:03

I didn't get chicken pox when my sister got it even though we were together throughout.
It's not a guarentee.

AuntMarch · 07/07/2023 17:16

Disgusting that people think OP should send her child when sick. Yes, ex and step parents are very much in the wrong but it doesn't mean the other child deserves to get ill unnecessarily too

CatsSnore · 07/07/2023 18:06

Meh I don't think it's disgusting, germs are picked up by primary school aged dc all of the time. What would be so terrible about her dad having to look after her? Are you saying that he can't be an equal parent? Some parents still insist on sticking to contact with whatever sickness there happens to be. They're not right or wrong.

As it happens I think sick children should stay in the home they first become poorly in. I think in step scenarios it's good to have a - let's not spread germs across households policy.

I feel very sorry for OP and her dd for not getting the heads up and I really really hope she doesn't catch CP or it doesn't come out until the end of their holiday.

Paternosta · 08/07/2023 07:48

This happened to me in the 80s. Me and my younger brother both got chicken pox the day before we were due to go away to Wales. We were staying in a self catering place so my parents just took me and my brothers anyway and we went to the beach all covered up with long sleeves and a big sun hat.
I don't remember feeling bad and it would have been worse to miss the holiday at that age. (about 10)

Wheelz46 · 08/07/2023 08:06

YANBU OP, he should have told you, very unkind of him not to.

Are you going abroad? If you are away and your daughter catches chickenpox while there and is still contagious before coming home, will the airline let your daughter on? I am sure some airlines refuse boarding a plane if contagious with chickenpox.

When my eldest got chickenpox, my youngest got his first spots around 10 days later.

Smellslikesummer · 08/07/2023 08:34

Not sure about that one.

  • if getting chicken pox was so bad why not vaccinate your DD? If she is going to get it, the younger the better
  • if a NR parent started a thread about wanting to cancel contact because a step sibling had chicken pox they would get flamed.

So for me YABU, you don’t prevent a child from seeing their parent just to avoid a chance of sickness during your holiday.

44PumpLane · 08/07/2023 08:37

When one of my twins came out with chicken pox (in the middle of a 2 week holiday where the twins were sharing a bed and all over each other), the other twin didn't get it.

The hospital in America did give her antivirals which may have helped, but I'm not sure!

So fingers crossed for you....we had to leave my husband and one twin behind for 4 days!!!

JudgeRudy · 08/07/2023 08:40

brushed · 07/07/2023 12:32

Just to clarify - the spots first appeared the day before DD arrived.

Yes, I think your ex should have told you if he knew you were going away however ultimately he gets to make the decisions on his time.

towriteyoumustlive · 08/07/2023 08:43

brushed · 07/07/2023 16:09

@DelphiniumBlue Yes he knew it was chickenpox but thought it was time our shared DD caught it, apparently.

He didn't try and keep them separate- they shared a bedroom the whole time.

You don't think he has done it deliberately to mess up your holiday?!

It was extremely selfish not say the other child had chicken pox and deliberately expose her.

Parkandpicnic · 08/07/2023 08:43

Yes they definitely should have warned you

Blossomtoes · 08/07/2023 08:46

She may not get it. I was surrounded by it several times as a child and didn’t catch it. My son got it when I was 26 and that’s when I got it. He sailed through with a few spots and feeling a bit off colour for a couple of days and I thought I was dying!

And yes he should have told you.

m00rfarm · 08/07/2023 08:59

Smellslikesummer · 08/07/2023 08:34

Not sure about that one.

  • if getting chicken pox was so bad why not vaccinate your DD? If she is going to get it, the younger the better
  • if a NR parent started a thread about wanting to cancel contact because a step sibling had chicken pox they would get flamed.

So for me YABU, you don’t prevent a child from seeing their parent just to avoid a chance of sickness during your holiday.

But there was no issue seeing their parent. The issue was being forced to stay in a bedroom with another person who has chicken pox. Did you read the thread?

NerrSnerr · 08/07/2023 09:04

Smellslikesummer · 08/07/2023 08:34

Not sure about that one.

  • if getting chicken pox was so bad why not vaccinate your DD? If she is going to get it, the younger the better
  • if a NR parent started a thread about wanting to cancel contact because a step sibling had chicken pox they would get flamed.

So for me YABU, you don’t prevent a child from seeing their parent just to avoid a chance of sickness during your holiday.

Chicken pox is bad if you're about to go on holiday as she wouldn't be able to go (it's really not good to be contagious on a flight with babies/ immunocompromised people.

People aren't saying he needed to cancel, just inform them so they can choose whether it's worth the risk.

LuvSmallDogs · 08/07/2023 09:12

I agree the timing is terrible, however if you weren't going down the private vaccination route then your DD only had/has a few years left to get it before she hits puberty, at which point the risk to her becomes much greater.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 08/07/2023 09:30

Your ex husband is a dick. I'd be going mental at him.

Is your holiday insured? What cover have you got if she develops it out there and has a bad dose? Is the holiday movable ?

celticprincess · 08/07/2023 09:41

We had this issue. My DD caught it off her half sibling and it was 3 weeks before she came down with it. We didn’t know sibling had the pox and when DD came down with it he was like ‘oh yes x has just had that’. Was the end of the Xmas term at school when her spots came out and we knew she had it - possibly second last week or last week before Xmas, and quite a few of her class mates caught it over the Xmas holidays as he was likely contagious before the spots appeared - she was fine on going to school but by the time we were bathing her that night she had spots developing. It’s so contagious. It’s hard to avoid sometimes as they seem to be contagious before the spots appear but yes, he should have told you as soon as he knew

funinthesun19 · 08/07/2023 09:44

You’re not in the wrong OP. And if you knew then you would have been absolutely right to keep her at home with you. It makes no sense to expose her to an illness and her get poorly unnecessarily. Staying well trumps seeing her dad in my opinion.

But I’ve also seen threads on here showing the reverse situation too. The mum of the first child knows her child is ill, sends her child to their dad’s and the mum of the second child is very rightfully annoyed about it. But on those threads all you see is people laying in to the stepmum about the child having the right to see their father. And there is a hint gleefulness from people that the second child is now potentially ill. “Shouldn’t have chosen a man with kids” etc.. The second child staying well trumps the first child seeing their dad.

Anyway, I hope your DD is ok. She shouldn’t have gone this weekend and should have just been kept at home with you. Her dad is very thoughtless.

TappingTed · 08/07/2023 09:49

When and where is the holiday and for how long @brushed ?

In my sibling-carrier cases the first spots arrived 14 days after first exposure for one set and 17 days for the second.
Nothing you can do now really other than be prepared. Perhaps pack some long sleeved tops that are lightweight, get piriton to take with you, check the details of your travel insurance etc.
If she’s 10 she’s likely to have been exposed several times over the years and may just be a carrier type- so fingers crossed she doesn’t get it now. But definitely look into the vaccine as it’s worse the older you are if you get CP naturally.