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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Daughter wants to go to childminders instead of being with me

33 replies

IBTC · 07/07/2023 06:34

I’ve had a short run of needing to work Saturdays for a project (v unusual).

Ended up using a babysitter that my friend recommended the last three weekends and my 11 yo daughter adored her.

Babysitter is moving away shortly.

Was supposed to use her again this coming weekend but my work thing just got cancelled.

My daughter cried when she found out. She’s only met this woman three times but was devastated (both because she’s had fun but also because she knows she’s moving so we likely won’t see her again).

I’d already paid her (it’s through an agency, so paid in advance).

Do I go out for the day and have her spend the day with my daughter anyway?? I’m a bit gutted that she’d rather be with a near-stranger than me!

I’ve always got bits to do but I work a lot so I love a bit of quality time with my daughter.

Her reasoning was that she sees me all the time but she might never see the babysitter again!

The single mum guilt is killing me whichever decision I make!

OP posts:
JMSA · 07/07/2023 06:36

Oh gosh, it's a no-brainer. You must let her go!
It should be her decision. And the fact you've already paid helps!
Enjoy your peaceful day Smile

Glenthebattleostrich · 07/07/2023 06:38

You are. a single parent so take the opportunity for some time to yourself!

Also, 11 is a difficult emotional age. Let her go say goodbye.

babbi · 07/07/2023 06:41

Don’t forget you’ve worked extra days which is why you needed a babysitter so you are due a break .
Take yourself off somewhere and enjoy the rest .
No idea why you would feel guilty on this occasion, your daughter is going to have fun and be happy .
Shes secure with you as she recognises you’ll always be there .

Sounds like you’re doing an excellent job with her , Even great single mums deserve time off !!
Be kinder to yourself x

DustyLee123 · 07/07/2023 06:42

If it’s paid for I’d let her go and have some time to yourself.

Ragwort · 07/07/2023 06:43

Let her go ... she'll enjoy seeing the childminder and you get a day to yourself.

My DS loved going to his CM ... he cried the first time I picked him up .. I assume it was the novelty of new toys, meeting other DC (he is an only DC). On the positive side he was never clingy, is happily independent and loves meeting new people and has loads of friends (still does ... he is 22 now and was at a cricket match with DH ... two hours away from home .
DH told me that DS kept bumping into people he knew Confused).

Weal · 07/07/2023 07:04

Oh yea I’d let her go. It’s a win win. You get a day to chill and do something for you and your daughter gets to spend time with someone she enjoys being with.

Mummy08m · 07/07/2023 07:08

It's not that she doesn't want to spend time with you - just that she wants to spend time with the babysitter. Enjoy your free day and try not to take it personally- your dd wasn't comparing the babysitter to you, kids don't generally think like that

Lacucuracha · 07/07/2023 07:09

It’s great you’ve raised a confident and happy girl, she is secure enough to want to leave you for the day. Let her go.

Crazydoglady1980 · 07/07/2023 07:26

Let her go. Different doesn’t mean better, she’s get to an age where doing things with other people is going to become the norm. She was able to show she was upset and explain why and now is a chance to show you listen to her and her needs. You are doing great at raising her.

BCBird · 07/07/2023 07:29

I would willingly take her. The fact that she wants to ho does notvreflect badly on you. You are mum, the same predictable routine- that not bad. The baby sitter is simeine different that's all.

SallySunrise · 07/07/2023 07:33

It's just one day, let her go. She'll get to say goodbye and you'll have a day to yourself. If it makes you feel better you could use the day to catch up on domestic stuff, so you've got more time to spend with your daughter on Sunday.

UrricanesArdlyHeverAppen · 07/07/2023 07:53

That single mum guilt should be single mum pride that you’re raising a daughter who isn’t clingy and who is happy to be independent and spend time with new people. You’re giving her exactly what she needs when the time is right for her to go out into the world and find her feet.

You’ve already paid for it, so let her go and take some time for yourself. Whether you go out for the day or spend the day in bed with a good book and a family sized bag of Maltesers, just relax and recognise what you’ve achieved with her.

Mapples · 07/07/2023 07:57

That single mum guilt should be single mum pride that you’re raising a daughter who isn’t clingy and who is happy to be independent and spend time with new people

Yes to this!

I'd definitely let her go and then enjoy some time to yourself OP. I think it's good to remember that people in childcare are paid to make sure they're safe of course but also to do fun things, of course sometimes that's more exciting than home I'd feel the same! It's not a slight on you.

billy1966 · 07/07/2023 07:58

SallySunrise · 07/07/2023 07:33

It's just one day, let her go. She'll get to say goodbye and you'll have a day to yourself. If it makes you feel better you could use the day to catch up on domestic stuff, so you've got more time to spend with your daughter on Sunday.

This.

Nothing to feel guilty about.

This person has done a great job and your daughter has enjoyed a fresh interested new face.

You could also do something nice for you.

Meet a good friend for lunch?

You deserve it.

Bournetilly · 07/07/2023 22:59

Definitely let her go

EvilElsa · 07/07/2023 23:04

She wants to say goodbye -let her go. She doesn't love you any less, she has just met someone she really likes which is great as it means you picked a good childminder! Enjoy your free day.

AuntMarch · 07/07/2023 23:09

I work term time. My son is still going to the child minder twice a week for the first half of summer hols because he loves it, and it means I can get shit done. No guilt here!

kittycatsmum · 07/07/2023 23:10

Let her go.

She loves you more than anything but she clearly likes this lady too, and their relationship will teach your dd some life skills and feel good.

I'd even consider staying in contact like letters/ the odd message if the woman agrees (don't tell dd in case she doesn't).

Thosepeskyseagulls · 07/07/2023 23:38

Have a low budget at home pay day. 100%.

MargaretThursday · 07/07/2023 23:45

I nannied, and one of my little ones, used to practically push her dh out of the door as soon as I arrived. She'd pass her coat, shoes and hat, and say "bye" and then ignore her for me. She'd also scream with excitement when she saw me.

But she didn't prefer me; just liked the fun of doing things a bit differently with me. Mummy was always best.

Shylo · 08/07/2023 00:26

Same as everyone else , let her go :)

my daughter loved her childminder and even once she’d left her and was at senior school she’d ask me if she could go to the CM on inset days . I too felt a bit sad about it the first time my DD turned down a day off with me to go to the CM but actually it was lovely that they had a strong bond. Hearts are stretchy, there is room for everyone :) ….. and as a single mum a day home alone is golden!!

Coyoacan · 08/07/2023 00:56

Lacucuracha · 07/07/2023 07:09

It’s great you’ve raised a confident and happy girl, she is secure enough to want to leave you for the day. Let her go.

This and she is obviously a child who a complete stranger can enjoy

DreamTheMoors · 08/07/2023 01:13

My mum taught school during the day & took university courses at night to further her education to make more money to provide for us & to put my siblings & me through university.

Occasionally I had to help get dinner on the table for my dad.
Mum told me she felt terribly guilty over that & that she walked around with a 10 stone bag of guilt every day of her life.

Put that heavy bag of guilt down, and go out tomorrow, confidant in the knowledge that your daughter loves and admires you for the amazing woman you are.

ChesterAndRaoul · 08/07/2023 01:26

She sees you all the time, it's not personal. Enjoy your day, and let her enjoy hers, there will plenty more days where it'll be just the two of you!

Yfory · 08/07/2023 02:13

Let her go and have a fun day out whilst you have a day to yourself. :)

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