Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What do you call a man who.....

80 replies

userzH · 07/07/2023 00:01

Falls out with his wife for no reason other than he is stressed and tired.

Doesn't speak or see her for 3 days. Goes to his mums.

Speaks to her when he's ready too. She cries because of how she's been treated. He ends things. He posts his keys to the house through the door.

The next day he says he wants to try again but his wife is still stuck feeling well and truly confused about everything. He doesn't apologise. She's not exactly jumping for joy and her wall is up. He senses this and gets offended.

He says cannot listen to anymore of her tears. This makes her angry. The tears are caused by him.

He ends things again.

She is me.

OP posts:
Original poster
userzH · 07/07/2023 07:41

wossgoinon · 07/07/2023 07:29

You can do that this! My ex husband behaved in a similar way. Every 6 weeks he would disappear and go to his mums. I had three kids at the time as well.

Block and move on

He just does it when he gets stressed which is often. He turns everything into a huge drama when it doesn't need to be.

When I left him in 2021, that really damaged him. He would accuse me of having someone else, speaking ti other men, being on dating sites. I was doing nothing.

Then he decided to start a new 'friendship' with another woman whilst trying to save our marriage. He claimed she was just a friend. Then we argued so he took her away for a weekend using our joint bank account and plastered it all over Facebook. Then he ended it with her and she was heartbroken. I believed his lies that she was 'crazy' and really just a friend.

I've been a complete idiot but I have worked on myself in the process.

I don't want him. The thought of seeing him makes me feel sick which is a good thing. I just struggle to let go of it

OP posts:
StopStartStop · 07/07/2023 07:43

I call him 'ex'.
I'm 65, I don't have time for such nonsense.
Move on, OP, move on.

ThursdayFreedom · 07/07/2023 07:43

EX.

Day 1 of Freedom.

Be strong & don't get back with him or you'll end up here again (and again) take the pain now don't put it off, you'll go through it sometime, so it might as well be now, then you can start on the good stuff!!

be strong!!

DogbertMcDogglesworth · 07/07/2023 07:47

What do I call him? Divorced.
Or at least he would be if he was my husband.

Jennalong · 07/07/2023 07:48

To put it bluntly - he's a habit and habits are hard to break.
you just need to stop seeing him , stop letting him stay , stop listening to him telling you he will change etc . The simple recurring answer is stop him being in your life.

Original poster
userzH · 07/07/2023 07:53

I think when you are stuck in something like this with someone like this, you really do wonder if you are the problem. It's so hard to understand. I know that I'm not. I can't be because I work so hard to stop him from going like this.

OP posts:
Riapia · 07/07/2023 07:57

An ex!

LakeTiticaca · 07/07/2023 08:00

Mental health is now the "catch all" for every type of poor behaviour.
Back in the day they were just a twat

Daleksatemyshed · 07/07/2023 08:02

It's the perfect time to say Goodbye for good @userzH . You have your own place, he has no keys and he's gone awol so harden your heart and don't take him back. He'll never make you happy, his gambling will always mean he's poor and he sees his MH issues as an excuse to be unkind to you. Take a deep breath and say I'm done

CecilyP · 07/07/2023 08:04

5foot5 · 07/07/2023 00:06

You could also call him an ex

Best advice!

redastherose · 07/07/2023 08:24

After years of this treatment as a pp has said you have been trained to put him first allow him to act like this and feel grateful when it's over and he magnanimously comes back. You have to retrain your brain to no longer feel like that. A good counsellor will be able to help you break that emotional bond. It's amazing once it's done and this Shit longer bothers you

MrsMarzetti · 07/07/2023 08:38

What would i call him ? My ex, an abusive bastard of a manchild.

HRTQueen · 07/07/2023 08:46

It’s a pattern of emotionally abusive behaviour

it’s a choice he makes to be this way

please for yourself move on

Sceptre86 · 07/07/2023 08:49

I'd be sad but ultimately accept it was for the best and have the locks changed. I wouldn't choose to live like that. Being around someone like that is constantly draining and sucks the life out of you. Out of love I can see how you would keep trying but selfishly or not there would come a point where I would put myself first.

ZenNudist · 07/07/2023 08:51

Call his bluff

Call him ex

Call him divorced

lljkk · 07/07/2023 08:55

What do you call a man who.....

"Not worth having in your life?"

I know it's a shock but FGS you do not want to grow old with this guy.
Wish him well & move on.

ps: usual disclaimers about only hearing one side of the story apply.

SpatulaSpatula · 07/07/2023 09:01

"What I don't understand is why I have found it so hard to end it."

I think it's very hard when you feel guilty for abandoning him, and as if you could somehow fix him and be a happy couple if you were just a better person. But you've tried. His mental health is his responsibility and you need to take care of yourself. Walk away from a lifetime of misery. Good luck.

Nickknackpattywhack · 07/07/2023 09:05

JMSA · 07/07/2023 00:04

Narcissistic, controlling and emotionally avoidant?
I'm no expert, but that's what sprung to my mind. Perhaps others will have different views.
So sorry OP SadFlowers

^ this will big brass bells on.

I think you need to get out of this. Give yourself permission to leave.

Original poster
userzH · 07/07/2023 09:08

Sceptre86 · 07/07/2023 08:49

I'd be sad but ultimately accept it was for the best and have the locks changed. I wouldn't choose to live like that. Being around someone like that is constantly draining and sucks the life out of you. Out of love I can see how you would keep trying but selfishly or not there would come a point where I would put myself first.

I know I am part of the problem because im a huge people pleaser and it's only got worse since being with him. I very rarely say no to him.

I remember when I first met him knowing about his past - I thought I could fix him.

Obviously I know I can't now and it's not up to me. However he takes no responsibility for how he is. He just says 'this is how I am'

He also has repeated the same thing over the past couple of days. When I've said 'I don't like it when you go like this with me' his response is 'I'm not putting you through anything' or 'I'm not treating you like anything'

Then I just feel so confused

OP posts:
Original poster
userzH · 07/07/2023 09:11

SpatulaSpatula · 07/07/2023 09:01

"What I don't understand is why I have found it so hard to end it."

I think it's very hard when you feel guilty for abandoning him, and as if you could somehow fix him and be a happy couple if you were just a better person. But you've tried. His mental health is his responsibility and you need to take care of yourself. Walk away from a lifetime of misery. Good luck.

Absolutely. The reason I left him in 2021 was because my mental health was at an all time low. It made him annoyed when I tried to tell him how I was feeling so I left. My mental health is my responsibility. I really have worked on myself so much in this time.

Before the day before I gave birth to our son (planned c section so knew it was happening) he shouted at me in a room full of people. He also shouted at me a few days after I gave birth - did actually apologise that time.

Anytime I was vulnerable or the attention was on me he would find something to get annoyed at me about

OP posts:
itsmylife7 · 07/07/2023 09:14

userzH · 07/07/2023 00:13

No he's very unpredictable. Always has been. Never know what's coming next with him

Show quote history

That's the answer there....always been unpredictable.

This is his core
personality and can never be changed.

You can't ' fix ' him OP
For your own mental health.....leave him.

apostrophewoman · 07/07/2023 09:17

There is nothing wrong with you, OP, none of this is down to anything that you have done and none of this is your fault. This is the time that it's so difficult to get through, the knowing that he's an arsehole, you don't need him and you don't want him, but it's so bloody hard to tell your brain that and to switch off all the niggling.

Keep yourself busy, get yourself out and about, resist all the urges and just block him and stay away - it will pass and you will be stronger. There are just some men who get into your head like this, I've been there and I know how bloody hard it is to escape. Head up, look forward, don't go back. Good luck to you.

clpsmum · 07/07/2023 09:36

A wanker

Original poster
userzH · 07/07/2023 10:05

apostrophewoman · 07/07/2023 09:17

There is nothing wrong with you, OP, none of this is down to anything that you have done and none of this is your fault. This is the time that it's so difficult to get through, the knowing that he's an arsehole, you don't need him and you don't want him, but it's so bloody hard to tell your brain that and to switch off all the niggling.

Keep yourself busy, get yourself out and about, resist all the urges and just block him and stay away - it will pass and you will be stronger. There are just some men who get into your head like this, I've been there and I know how bloody hard it is to escape. Head up, look forward, don't go back. Good luck to you.

Thank you. I really needed to hear this. He's had so many failed relationships. 3 kids to 3 different women now. It just really messes with your head. Sending an email to my therapist to see if she can fit me in next week fingers crossed x

OP posts:
Original poster
userzH · 07/07/2023 11:00

clpsmum · 07/07/2023 09:36

A wanker

Agreed!

OP posts: