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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I probably won't hear from this first date again...

59 replies

janeseymour78 · 06/07/2023 22:49

We've been messaging for a month because of our holidays and nor being able to meet until now. Really hit it off.

The date lasted just under 3 hours. I felt some chemistry and there were a few moments of prolonged eye contact and when our legs touched under the table he didn't move. But he didn't try to kiss me/gave me a big hug at the end and said 'ill see you soon' with no mention of another date. We had a lot in common and a good laugh.

I don't know. Previous dates that went somewhere the guy always said he wanted to meet again soon on the first date ans they usually try to kiss me. What do you reckon?

OP posts:
Original poster
janeseymour78 · 07/07/2023 00:09

That's why I mentioned it! Meaning it probably isn't @BreviloquentBastard

Anyway I've now told him I'd like to see him again so the ball is in his court. We'll see what he says. Either way I had a lovely evening and I'm glad I went.

OP posts:
Highdaysandholidays1 · 07/07/2023 00:12

I think that's a good thing to say, leave it to fate now!

JMSA · 07/07/2023 00:14

janeseymour78 · 07/07/2023 00:09

That's why I mentioned it! Meaning it probably isn't @BreviloquentBastard

Anyway I've now told him I'd like to see him again so the ball is in his court. We'll see what he says. Either way I had a lovely evening and I'm glad I went.

Good for you, OP. And please keep us posted!

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 07/07/2023 01:14

Isthisexpected · 06/07/2023 23:32

I've never been kissed on a first date and wouldn't want to be. Neither of my husbands made any physical attempts such as a kiss before maybe the third date.

Messaging you if you got home OK is entirely appropriate. I think you'll soon know his intentions. If he wants to see you again, he'll set his stall out very quickly.

This.

I don't kiss strangers and wonder what's up with people who do. He sounds mature and considerate.

Original poster
janeseymour78 · 08/07/2023 17:34

Well he finally responded today, bit of an odd message. Sent a huge paragraph about how he didn't reply yesterday because of x, y and z stressful things that happened to him at work. I mean no problem - it's not a huge deal not to reply for a day after one date. Don't need a big explanation.

He then says 'yes same here I'd love to see you again soon' - but with no actual suggestions of when or where.

I agree he is lukewarm and that's ok. I'll keep my eye out for other dates and not put all eggs in one basket.

OP posts:
saltinesandcoffeecups · 08/07/2023 17:42

I'll keep my eye out for other dates and not put all eggs in one basket.

It was one date, you should never consider monogamy after one date 🙂

Meet people and have fun! Some will stick others won’t but the vast majority will result in a pleasant time and an opportunity to meet a new person.

Lanadelday · 08/07/2023 17:43

Sorry but he doesn't sound that into it. I've had that kind of a reply before and then tumbleweed. I think he's just being polite. If it was me I'd delete his number now, if you do hear from him again see how you feel, but otherwise look elsewhere.

Original poster
janeseymour78 · 08/07/2023 17:51

@Lanadelday I think he's a decent polite guy and (probably) not the ghosting type.

It was one essentially blind date where I had a nice time and I'm not invested yet either. He seemed kind and funny, similar values and interests. He wasn't 100% my physical type but I'm trying to be more open minded in that regard.

I'd go on a second date with him, but if it doesn't happen that's fine. 🙂

OP posts:
Pinkdelight3 · 08/07/2023 18:33

it's not a huge deal not to reply for a day after one date. Don't need a big explanation

So funny that you say this when all the rest of the time you've been minutely analysing his moves, words and messages to determine his levels of interest. Then when he is forthcoming, you make out you couldn't care less and why is he explaining why he's not been in touch when it's not a big deal as if you're so chill about it. I think you really need to split the difference and take it as it comes. He's not the same as your exes and that's no bad thing if they were cheats. See who he is as things evolve and go with that and whether you're into it or not. There's no need to either over-analyse too early and conclude you won't hear from him (when you did) or brush it off like you're not bothered (which you are).

WunWun · 08/07/2023 18:38

I don't think it's going to go anywhere, sorry!

I think if you keep contacting him his replies are going to get smaller and smaller. Slow ghosting.

If he wanted to meet again he would have suggested when

WunWun · 08/07/2023 18:38

I think the over explaining suggests he was being deliberately avoidant, personally.

AceofPentacles · 08/07/2023 18:40

I don't think it's a goer.

See you soon meant see you never when I was dating.

Original poster
janeseymour78 · 08/07/2023 18:48

@Pinkdelight3 some tough truths and good advice 🙂thank you.

OP posts:
x2boys · 08/07/2023 18:51

yipeeyiyay · 06/07/2023 23:52

Good god. Men can't win. He messaged to check o was safely home and said he enjoyed meeting her and that's apparently too Luke warm. If he raved in about how much her liked her after one date this place would be blowing up about red flags, love bombing and telling the OP to block the creep

Yep and these threads always have posters trying to.talk the op out of a second date on the basis of nothing very much

WunWun · 08/07/2023 18:53

I'm not trying to talk her out of a second date if he wants one. I'm talking from three years of online dating experience!

Leverageup · 08/07/2023 18:57

Expect nothing and you won’t be disappointed.

”As for me, all I’ve learned from love
is how to shoot someone who outdrew you”

Jzushsifkf · 08/07/2023 19:40

What I have learnt from experience - as soon as they say "I've been busy" or the replies get slower - it's dead in the water

no one is ever too busy to message someone they really like

sorry

Sunsetandsunrise · 08/07/2023 19:42

I don’t think he’s done anything wrong but he’s clearly not interested or he would have been more specific about the second date and the day long delay was probably him trying to find the right words without being rude or hurtful. Well either that or he’s juggling a few other women right now.

Original poster
janeseymour78 · 11/07/2023 10:23

@Sunsetandsunrise I agree he hasn't done anything wrong. But saying he'd love to meet again when signs say the opposite...just be honest!

I replied to him Sunday. To be honest it was much a shorter reply than he sent me because I can read between the lines. He hasn't replied again and I know he's going on holiday Friday - so clearly not bothered about meeting before going and I'm fully expecting the slow fade.

I'm not very upset but I think it's natural to take any kind of rejection personally. It doesn't feel good. He didn't set my fire alight on date one, but he was a decent guy and made me laugh. So for that reason I would've tried another date.

OP posts:
Highdaysandholidays1 · 11/07/2023 11:25

@janeseymour78 I think the reason these men don't say no initially after the first date is they want to keep their options open, and possibly come back to you later on. Now, that might not be ok with you, but by saying 'love to meet again' he's allowing himself an in after the holiday...if nothing else is on the horizon.

Original poster
janeseymour78 · 11/07/2023 11:29

Probably correct @Highdaysandholidays1 but I'm no option! As others noted above if there isn't decent enthusiasm to meet soon after the first date, what's the point.

I'm thinking if I don't hear from him within the week I'll unmatch him as I don't want to leave it open ended. Hopefully that won't be seen as too harsh!?

OP posts:
Playyourpart · 11/07/2023 11:36

Just keep dating others. I’d keep the match open to see if he does contact you after his holiday. By which time, hopefully you can say “hope you had fun on hols, I’m actually tied up at the mo. Take care”

category12 · 11/07/2023 11:48

Yeah, I think if he was interested, he'd have suggested a day when he's back from holiday, as a placeholder. That he's leaving it incredibly vague suggests he's just being polite.

Original poster
janeseymour78 · 11/07/2023 11:55

I agree that he's being polite @category12. Nothing wrong with that, at least I'm picking semi decent people!

It has dented my ego a bit as it's the first time someone hasn't wanted to see me again after a first date. If I'm going to keep online dating I probably need to develop a thick skin.

OP posts:
Original poster
janeseymour78 · 12/07/2023 22:35

Well he contacted me again yesterday evening asking how I'm doing and saying his family is staying with him this week which is why is why he's been busy. Asked how my week is going.

He then asked if I'd now like to take our conversation off the app now and move over to Whatsapp. I said yes, gave him my number.

Crickets again 24 hours later. Not sure I'm cut out for this! Its meant to be fun and I wonder why he's bothering to reply at all if uninterested.

OP posts:
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