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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that this isn't equitable?

29 replies

EmmaGrundyForPM · 06/07/2023 18:59

Actually I know IABU and petty, but just need to vent a bit.

I am one of two siblings. My sister lives in Australia, I live in the UK. My mum has a thing about fairness and treating us the same, which is fine.

I love my Mum, we are very close and very similar in many ways.

Two years ago she moved a considerable distance away. We used to be about 80 minutes drive from each other, and saw each other a lot (Covid excepted).

She's now moved to about a 4 hour drive away, which is tricky as I work FT, so if I go first thing on Saturday and come back after lunch on Sunday, I only get to see her for 24 hours and I've basically used up my whole weekend.

Last year she went to stay with my sister for 5 weeks. Obviously, because of the distance, she needed to stay a reasonable time which is fine.

I've just had a phone conversation with Mum where she's said she's now booked another trip to my sister for later this year, for another 6 weeks.

This year, she's been to visit me once, for a week. I've invited her to come in the autumn for another week but she told me she wasn't sure as it's a long drive (4 hours). I've been to visit her for a long weekend over Easter and am going again in October.

So, within the space of 14 months, she will have stayed with my sister for 11 weeks and with me for one, possibly two if I can persuade her to come in the autumn.

I'm aware I sound really childish, but it's passing me off that she will.move Heaven and earth to see my sister but not me.

I also appreciate that she's in her 80s and possibly thinks that she has to make the most of going to Australia whilst she can, but that doesn't mean she can't come and see me does it?

OP posts:
DwightShrutesgirlfriend · 06/07/2023 20:28

I suppose the reality is she may not be able to make the journey to Australia too much longer so it's likely the time will come when she does see you a lot more. However, it must sting that she isn't keen to visit you in the autumn. Would you be taking annual leave? If so, could you spend the week with her?

Butterflyfluff · 06/07/2023 20:31

6 weeks of your mother around 24/7 - you’ve got the good deal! 😂

Notimeforaname · 06/07/2023 20:31

Shes in her 80s. Just go and see her while you have the time. She has told you she isn't coming to you. So accept it, or go to see her.

TheIsleOfTheLost · 06/07/2023 20:59

It's because you love her and miss her. If your sister has been gone a long time then she probably sees it as making up for missed time, when you have been around. It is also likely to be not possible for much longer.

SeeSawMarjorieDaw · 06/07/2023 21:08

I see your point.
Could your mother travel by train to where you live?
Have you considered a weekend with your mother at a midway point - you each drive two hours?
Is it possible you could join them in Australia for some of the weeks?

Original poster
EmmaGrundyForPM · 06/07/2023 21:21

I can't afford to go to Australia to join them.

I think I'm bitter that Mum is saying it's too difficult for her to travel here (4 hours drive) but is fine to make a 24 hour journey to my sister.

OP posts:
Original poster
EmmaGrundyForPM · 06/07/2023 21:22

Butterflyfluff · 06/07/2023 20:31

6 weeks of your mother around 24/7 - you’ve got the good deal! 😂

Ha ha - yes, after last years visit my sister was ready to throttle our Mum. I'm quite surprised she's agreed to another lengthy visit.

OP posts:
determinedtomakethiswork · 06/07/2023 21:23

But the thing is that when your mum travels to Australia, she's not driving. I'm not fond of an 80-year-olds driving, to be honest.

ChadCMulligan · 06/07/2023 21:29

Would you be willing to put your mum up for a week or two?

24 hours of travelling when you're staying for 6 weeks is quite different to 4 hours of travelling for a weekend (assuming she'd avoid driving at night)

PriOn1 · 06/07/2023 22:12

Four hours is a relatively long drive. Is there another way she could get to you, or does she want her car when she’s at yours?

Realistically, she may not be able to travel to Australia many more times, and I would guess your sister might not be able to make it over for long, or at all. So maybe your mum has it in the back of her mind that it may be the last time she sees your sister. I also imagine that the flights are both expensive and exhausting, so having made that commitment, she probably wants to stay longer than she normally would to make it worthwhile.

I don’t know what time you finish work, but I’d probably drive on the Friday night after work, if I was going for a weekend. I might also break up one of my holiday weeks so as to have a few long weekends. Would that be a possibility?

If it’s too far for her to drive, then you probably have to compromise. I can completely understand where you’re coming from, but it’s probably more about the practicalities of driving and the thought that she might have limited chances to see your sister than that she loves your sister more.

A pity she moved so far away. Did she move somewhere she’d always wanted to live or something? Seems an odd thing to move away from family at 78.

Original poster
EmmaGrundyForPM · 07/07/2023 02:51

ChadCMulligan · 06/07/2023 21:29

Would you be willing to put your mum up for a week or two?

24 hours of travelling when you're staying for 6 weeks is quite different to 4 hours of travelling for a weekend (assuming she'd avoid driving at night)

Yes, very happy to have her here for a couple of weeks.

Ironically, we have recently moved to a town very close to where she used to live. So she has loads of friends near us who she could go and visit. Whereas in Australia my sister has to entertain her.

I appreciate that it's a different scenario and that in Australia she doesn't have to drive as she can get around by tram (sister is in Melbourn).

OP posts:
Thehippowife · 07/07/2023 03:01

she is 80 and has to drive for 4 hours ? I think that is a lot for her OP. Sitting on a plane is not taxing like driving is. She probably gets tired and anxious at the thought of sitting in traffic and spending hours on the motorway.

Original poster
EmmaGrundyForPM · 07/07/2023 07:49

@Thehippowife that might be the case. However, she and her partner recently drove to Scotland for a holiday, and they are off to France next week which not only involves a lot more driving but also driving on the other side of the road.

OP posts:
Soontobe60 · 07/07/2023 07:53

Why don’t you offer to pick your DM up and bring her to your house for a week or so?

Daffodilwoman · 07/07/2023 07:56

I understand where you are coming from. However I agree it’s about the driving. My mum has told me that she will not be driving for much longer. She will however start to use taxis. She just can’t face drinking anymore and finds it difficult. It was very different driving a few decades ago. Even during the time I have been driving things are so much worse now. Congestion is a nightmare where I live.
I would accept that your mum is old and you will have to compromise. Either meet her somewhere she can travel by public transport, or accept you will have to drive to her.
I doubt she will be visiting your sister for much longer.

Daffodilwoman · 07/07/2023 07:57

Sorry op didn’t see you latest update.

Doingmybest12 · 07/07/2023 07:57

I can see why you are hurt by this. Is there a reason she feels less comfortable in your home? Did she move away when you moved closer to where she was? I wouldn't do a weekend to hers unless I got there on the Friday or early Saturday and came home on the Monday. I understand her wish yo visit your sister though while she can. This is a separate thing to how you develop a new routine of seeing her.

Original poster
EmmaGrundyForPM · 07/07/2023 09:07

@Doingmybest12 I don't think she feels less comfortable. If anything, our house is much better for her than my sisters. Our dc are adults, so no longer live with us. We have 2 spare bedrooms. My sisters dc still live at home and there's no spare room - Mum sleeps in my nieces room and niece shares with her sister when Mum stays.

She moved to the West Country 18 months ago, we moved back to very near my home town 6 months ago. She lived in and near my home town from the age of 24 until 79, so all her friends are here. If she stays with us she can go and visit all her friends.

@Soontobe60 I could go and pick her up but she has no issue driving - as I said, she's off to France next week which involves a lot more driving on the "wrong" side of the road, which is much more tiring.

OP posts:
Original poster
EmmaGrundyForPM · 07/07/2023 09:11

@Soontobe60 I meant, she says it's a long drive but then goes off to France so that doesn't really add up. I'm happy to pick her up although it will effectively take the whole weekend as I don't really want to drive 8 hours in one day. She has loads of friends who live within a 30 minute drive of us but she'd need the car to visit them.

OP posts:
PuttingDownRoots · 07/07/2023 09:13

Why did she leave your home town? It might be the place rather than you.

LadinLee · 07/07/2023 09:17

Our dc are adults, so no longer live with us. We have 2 spare bedrooms. My sisters dc still live at home and there's no spare room - Mum sleeps in my nieces room and niece shares with her sister when Mum stays.

Is it possible she's really doing this to spend time with her grandchildren? Does she see your DC if she comes to stay with you, do they live nearby?

Original poster
EmmaGrundyForPM · 07/07/2023 09:25

She moved to the West Country as she has a new partner, and that's where he lives. I know she really misses all her friends. Some of them have been her close friends for 50+ years.

OP posts:
Original poster
EmmaGrundyForPM · 07/07/2023 09:27

@LadinLee I'm sure she does miss them. She saw lots of my dc whilst they were growing up, as we were (relatively) near.

And I know she's probably thinking that she may not be able to make the trip much more often.

As I said, I know IABU and petty!

OP posts:
Aprilx · 07/07/2023 09:32

EmmaGrundyForPM · 06/07/2023 21:21

I can't afford to go to Australia to join them.

I think I'm bitter that Mum is saying it's too difficult for her to travel here (4 hours drive) but is fine to make a 24 hour journey to my sister.

She is in her 80s, of course you go to see her. She clearly has no choice but to go to Australia, she wants to see her daughter whilst she still can. You seem incredibly mean spirited and petty.

Original poster
EmmaGrundyForPM · 07/07/2023 09:47

@Aprilx I do go and see her! And I've said I'm probably being petty. But as I've also said, she drove to Scotland recently, she is off to France next week, she drive over to Leicester last weekend to see a friend. If she couldn't drive then it would be a different matter. But she can.

OP posts:
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