Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DDs Stuff !!

43 replies

Sensibly · 06/07/2023 14:19

Hey,
DH and I have two DDs and are unexpectedly due a third in September, DD1 is 18 (25 when we had her) DD2 13. We live in 4 bedroom house, so theoretically plenty of space. The 4th bedroom is on the top floor alone, has an ensuite but has existed as a guest room. DD1 has the smallest room (still a very good sized double), I asked if she wants to move upstairs so the baby can have her room was a no, but DD2 jumped at the opportunity to have an ensuite, DD1 will be away to uni anyway so best it gets used I suppose.
The issue is, in my current state of nesting I keep finding DD1s stuff everywhere. She is an avid reader and must have thousands of books, they are everywhere, In the family room (where we have plenty of shelves for books) the lounge, under her bed, in the guest room, in her wardrobe, I've just found about 10 in the entry way closet. She rarely re-reads, but any suggestion she passes them or sells them is shot down. Some of the books never have and never will be read, we must have about 6 copies of some books (annotated, collectors editions), I've found about 9 Copies of Emma (Jane Austen is her favourite author and her name is Emma so over the years she has collected several variations of the book). We don't have an attic or garage, so there is little option to box them up and put them out the way that way. She has said she will take some to uni with her and find place for the rest in her room but I don't see that possible.
If it was just the books I wouldn't mind as much, but it also her sports kits (ballet and tennis), perfumes, shoes (so many trainers!!), a recently acquired love for vinyl records (the player is in the family room so mainly floating around in there. All this stuff won't fit in her room and she can't possibly take it all to uni halls either. I feel like everywhere I look there is something of DDs, it's driving me wild!!
I think I should make an ultimatum, either she finds space in her room or on the bookshelves in the family room (or takes to uni with her) or it has to be sold/binned/ridded of in some other way. DH thinks this is cruel, We should find space, even if it is boxing it up an moving it into the babies room, in the closet etc. until she is finished uni and able to take it herself, or asking grandparents if they can spare any space. I will also need her room to act as a guest room for a little while, so it cant be stacked with boxes (the closet can be and under the bed sure but nowhere else.
Am I being cruel? Is this just me being excessive with nesting? Is DH right and its cruel to ask her to part with things she loves?
Before anyone suggests she doesn't like kindle etc. has to read it in paper form!!!

OP posts:
Newmumatlast · 06/07/2023 14:22

Can the baby's room not be used as a guest room given baby will be in with you initially? I understand the frustration but it does sound harsh.

TeaKitten · 06/07/2023 14:24

The babies room makes a better guest room for a while doesn’t it? They can’t sleep in it for 6 months anyway. And it does seem mean to push out your DDs stuff because you are nesting, this baby wasn’t her choice. But if her room ends up very cluttered that’s up to her.

takealettermsjones · 06/07/2023 14:27

You say there is plenty of space (shelves in lounge, her closet, under her bed etc) so is the issue that there actually isn't room for them all or just that she doesn't put them away?

If actually no room, I'd have a frank chat with her and tell her it can't continue expanding. I might get one of those storage units for the garden and shove them all in there, then say that she isn't to buy any more until she gets rid of some or pays for her own storage unit - one in one out system.

If there is room and she's just untidy, I think that's different - maybe just shove them all in her room and then tell her that a) her being able to move freely in her own room is her own problem so she should probably tidy up, and b) tell her if you find any left lying around you'll claim them!

And personally I'd get a sofa bed/trundle bed etc for downstairs for guests.

Original poster
Sensibly · 06/07/2023 14:27

To add this wouldn't matter as much if she had accepted the upstairs room, she likes the windows in her room so didn't want it, DD2 has barely anything in comparison and would have fit comfortably in either of the smaller rooms. By DD1 wanting the smaller room with the nicer windows she's doing herself out of space!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Sensibly · 06/07/2023 14:31

takealettermsjones · 06/07/2023 14:27

You say there is plenty of space (shelves in lounge, her closet, under her bed etc) so is the issue that there actually isn't room for them all or just that she doesn't put them away?

If actually no room, I'd have a frank chat with her and tell her it can't continue expanding. I might get one of those storage units for the garden and shove them all in there, then say that she isn't to buy any more until she gets rid of some or pays for her own storage unit - one in one out system.

If there is room and she's just untidy, I think that's different - maybe just shove them all in her room and then tell her that a) her being able to move freely in her own room is her own problem so she should probably tidy up, and b) tell her if you find any left lying around you'll claim them!

And personally I'd get a sofa bed/trundle bed etc for downstairs for guests.

Shes pretty tidy, her room is neat and everything has a place, the family room is just at brink with books and vinyl records. Her tennis and dance bag don't fit it in the entryway closets so get left lying in the hall (I might be able to make room under the stairs for them though). She has stacked her shoe shelf past full so her trainers are left in the hall way too. All of the designated spaces for things are full, so she has no choice but to leave them elsewhere!! drives me mad !!

OP posts:
nokidshere · 06/07/2023 14:31

You just need to sort out proper storage. If it's a 'good sized double' there will be plenty of space for her stuff, it just needs sorting out.

Get a bed with drawers, or one of those storage beds that lift up. Put boxes or storage cubes in the unused space in the wardrobe, have floor to ceiling shelving for maximum storage.

And tell her to stop leaving her stuff all over the house. If she does, just pick it up and dump it on her bed.

TeaKitten · 06/07/2023 14:32

Sensibly · 06/07/2023 14:27

To add this wouldn't matter as much if she had accepted the upstairs room, she likes the windows in her room so didn't want it, DD2 has barely anything in comparison and would have fit comfortably in either of the smaller rooms. By DD1 wanting the smaller room with the nicer windows she's doing herself out of space!!

She might also just not want to give up her bedroom to the new baby, especially when there’s huge change coming in her own life. Nobody likes to feel replaceable or pushed out.

Original poster
Sensibly · 06/07/2023 14:38

TeaKitten · 06/07/2023 14:32

She might also just not want to give up her bedroom to the new baby, especially when there’s huge change coming in her own life. Nobody likes to feel replaceable or pushed out.

Show quote history

Hadn't really thought of this, but I've been asking her to take the bigger room for years and its always been "but the windows, the natural light, the garden view" I think she likes to romanticise her life, and her room helps her do that.

OP posts:
Caspianberg · 06/07/2023 14:41

Can’t she just have a storage cupboard or chest in the attic bedroom if there’s so much room there? It can store anything she wants to keep, and it won’t be in the way of dd13

BungleandGeorge · 06/07/2023 14:50

She likes her room, why should she change it? I think you’re being slightly unreasonable given you’re about to change her life enormously by bringing a baby sibling into it! Let her keep her room as is for at least the first year of uni whilst she settles in. When she doesn’t have all that stuff around her she may grow less attached to it. The guest room should be baby’s room, they will be in with you and then in a cot and tbh won’t care at all. Babies clothes don’t take much space put the extra trainers and sports kit in their wardrobe for now? Revisit the issue when baby is 2/3 and needs more space and your eldest will be finishing uni and probably thinking of moving out permanently

GandTtwice · 06/07/2023 15:01

Is the problem that she has too much stuff and nowhere to store it? Or that she has hoarding tendencies and can't throw/give things away.
If it's the first case could the baby's room have some secure storage boxes for some of the stuff?
If it's hoarding then maybe this is something she needs to address before it gets out of hand. Uni rooms don't have huge amounts of storage so I don't think she will be able to take all her books etc with her

JuneOsborne · 06/07/2023 15:02

I have an 18yo D's off to uni in September too. We too are having discussions about the fact he will only take a percentage of his belongings with him and what happens to the rest. His younger brother is moving into his room when he goes and well redecorate the small bedroom and that will become his bedroom. But that bedroom does not fit all of his stuff....

What'd I'd do is (and this is what we are in the middle of)...

She needs to collect up all of her stuff and put it in her room. Include the excess trainers and sports kit....everything.

Look at it all. Halls rooms are small, so not all of this will go with you. You'll have to box up whatever you're not taking. It's a good idea to prune some of this stuff out now. And leave a couple of boxes in there. One for charity and one for rubbish.

In terms of where to keep what she doesn't want, it'll have to fit in her home bedroom. Bit out of the way to allow the occasional guest to stay without feeling like they're in a teen bedroom.

She can't just swan off to uni with a suitcase and leave all of her other stuff there likes she'll be home everyday. She has to reduce the amount so it can be stored.

Original poster
Sensibly · 06/07/2023 15:09

GandTtwice · 06/07/2023 15:01

Is the problem that she has too much stuff and nowhere to store it? Or that she has hoarding tendencies and can't throw/give things away.
If it's the first case could the baby's room have some secure storage boxes for some of the stuff?
If it's hoarding then maybe this is something she needs to address before it gets out of hand. Uni rooms don't have huge amounts of storage so I don't think she will be able to take all her books etc with her

She refuses to part with books, even books where she finishes it and goes hmm didn't like that much. I wouldn't mind so much if she got rid of these ones. She reads about 10 books a month sometimes more, sometimes she has fiction and non-fiction on the go at the same time so it gets worse. Over the years this has gathered her quite the collection. Then poetry too its insane !! Then she collects classics so for books like Little Women, Jane Eyre etc. we have multiple copies. I do believe she hoards books.
Just been sorting the kitchen and found 12 Water bottles and 6 Hot drink cups and several tumblers which are DD1s, DD2 is much the opposite, if she loses a bottle she needs a new one as doesn't stock them !! Same for trainers and Jewellery she has so much !! We don't even buy it, she had a saturday job for a bit, and she has her grandad wrapped around her little finger.

OP posts:
PuttingDownRoots · 06/07/2023 15:10

Sports kit... I presume that will go with her to university?
Shoes... she needs to sort through for outgrown or worn out ones. And any disliked ones for selling.
Records... tbh if the record player is in the family room, that's where records will be! Is there proper storage for them?
Books... encourage her to sort through for taking with her, keeping at home and honestly accepting that some are not needed.

But your parents having a new baby just as you leave home must be a big shock for her emotionally. She might need reassurance that its definitely still her home too.

Talipesmum · 06/07/2023 15:19

Has she got an ottoman bed? They’re amazing for storage.
Id also keep moving the stuff back into her room. Even if it’s all in boxes. It can be a guest room with storage boxes - put a nice throw over them and make it into a table.

Chances are it could be a very long time before she has enough space to move all this lot out. I was in uni rooms and house shares for years, and our first flat was tiny. So it’s not going away any time soon. Be tough on where it all lives - if she romanticises her room and won’t clear anything away, her room will be less nice. I say this as a committed hoarder of stuff and books - I’m not unsympathetic and I’m just like her. But you’re trying to teach her life skills and realities. She needs to learn a bit of space management.

Original poster
Sensibly · 06/07/2023 15:21

PuttingDownRoots · 06/07/2023 15:10

Sports kit... I presume that will go with her to university?
Shoes... she needs to sort through for outgrown or worn out ones. And any disliked ones for selling.
Records... tbh if the record player is in the family room, that's where records will be! Is there proper storage for them?
Books... encourage her to sort through for taking with her, keeping at home and honestly accepting that some are not needed.

But your parents having a new baby just as you leave home must be a big shock for her emotionally. She might need reassurance that its definitely still her home too.

You'd think she'd be taking all the kit but she has 3 massive tennis bags, one she hasn't used since Y11, but keeps random bits in, then one she takes to training and one she competes with. Dance isn't so bad as she doesn't go much now but she has all her old shoes in a bag and demands she might need them, plus about 20 leotards she never wears. She will probably join her uni team, so the competition and old bag will stay!!
Its crazy !!!
I just know that toys will be added to mix soon and our house just can't take it.

OP posts:
WonderingWhale · 06/07/2023 15:32

If it would have been fine if she'd been in the upstairs room then you just need to put some of her stuff there. Get her to sort everything out and put things in her room, the upstairs room or charity shop/bin. Maybe good to focus on putting the books in the upstairs room as they are something DD2 would benefit from too. Things like water bottles...get rid of multiples that don't fit.

It does come across from your posts like you have had enough of her and her stuff and want it gone before the new baby arrives. It won't be nice for her if she's picking up on that. Focus on solutions so there is room for her and the baby.

VariationsonaTheme · 06/07/2023 15:36

I think it’s unfortunate timing that you’re making a fuss about this now that a new baby is appearing. What you should have instigated years ago is that personal belongings stay in rooms and not communal spaces. Then let her hoard/store to her hearts content in her own space. It’s unfair to make her room into the designated ‘spare room’ too. The baby’s room would serve as this for now.

YouFilthyAnimal · 06/07/2023 15:37

Just put all of her stuff in her room, if it’s cluttered it’s cluttered but that’s her problem
Do you need a designated space for guests? How often do people stay? And surely you can just use the babys room instead?

Original poster
Sensibly · 06/07/2023 15:52

VariationsonaTheme · 06/07/2023 15:36

I think it’s unfortunate timing that you’re making a fuss about this now that a new baby is appearing. What you should have instigated years ago is that personal belongings stay in rooms and not communal spaces. Then let her hoard/store to her hearts content in her own space. It’s unfair to make her room into the designated ‘spare room’ too. The baby’s room would serve as this for now.

Yes I agree, It is not great timing, but would have happened baby or not (uni). Just went up to her room and she is sat on the floor stressing about which hats and visors to keep, just to tell me she has a new tennis dress, books and candles arriving tomorrow!! It's almost like she doesn't get the point!!
DD2 is just home from school and has told her to have of the cupboards in her new room, which should help a little.

OP posts:
huntingcunting · 06/07/2023 16:00

I will also need her room to act as a guest room for a little while, so it cant be stacked with boxes (the closet can be and under the bed sure but nowhere else

Why does it have to be the guest room? I don't think that's fair to her. She's going to uni and will be back in the holidays so it should be her room until she moves out of home.
Ditch the guest room idea. But then, all of her possessions need to go in her room. Box up all of the books and put them in her room. Ditto the records. She can then decide whether she wants her room to be full of this stuff or whether it wouldn't in fact be better to ditch some of it.
You probably do need to help her to sort through it - sit with her and decide what definitely stays, what definitely goes and things she's not sure about.
I'd wonder if she wasn't already developing hoarding tendencies. Maybe she isn't - maybe she just isn't aware of the consequences of collecting stuff because she's been allowed to store it all over the house up to now.

PuttingDownRoots · 06/07/2023 16:09

Could you watch some declutteeing programmes together? Like Sort Your Life Out.

Shes emotionally attached to her stuff. She's not in the right mindset to let go.

LovePoppy · 06/07/2023 16:13

It sounds like you are trying to get rid of her.

as someone who was pushed out of their room for a new baby, it hurts.

InvincibleInvisibility · 06/07/2023 16:33

I'd pick your battles.

Dont try and get rid of sentimental stuff (the 9 copies of Emma).

Focus on the quick wins:
Books she didnt really like - donate (or sell) so someone else can have the enjoyment. (Use that argument).

Ditto with the dance leotards - she d have to wear a different one twice a week for 2.5 months to use them all. Could she donate a few?

Tennis bags: they're awkward shapes. If containing rackets ok. But if one is just being used to store other stuff can the other stuff be put in a box which is easier to tidy/keep in her room?

Water bottles : why so many? Are there some that actually aren't all that nice to drink out of? Or are too heavy? Or fiddly to clean?

I highly recommend watching some videos on YouTube. Joshua Becker. The minimal mom. A slob comes clean. Clutterbug.

There are some which are done by previous hoarders so they'll understand.

Personally when I went to uni my parents just kept the bare minimum of my stuff. My room was no longer mine when I went home.

It didn't matter but I wasn't particularly attached to my room and fully intended on going abroad when I graduated.

InvincibleInvisibility · 06/07/2023 16:36

Also I totally get the nesting instinct but try to resist as long as possible to model a good example to your DD.

So don't buy loads of stuff in advance for the baby. Just get the bare minimum.

You know that in a few years you'll have toys everywhere (although I encourage you to watch the minimal mom so you don't go overboard). But the baby won't need loads for months. Buy things as and when you need them by which time DD1 will be at uni.