DDs Stuff !!

[Sensibly]

Hey,
DH and I have two DDs and are unexpectedly due a third in September, DD1 is 18 (25 when we had her) DD2 13. We live in 4 bedroom house, so theoretically plenty of space. The 4th bedroom is on the top floor alone, has an ensuite but has existed as a guest room. DD1 has the smallest room (still a very good sized double), I asked if she wants to move upstairs so the baby can have her room was a no, but DD2 jumped at the opportunity to have an ensuite, DD1 will be away to uni anyway so best it gets used I suppose.
The issue is, in my current state of nesting I keep finding DD1s stuff everywhere. She is an avid reader and must have thousands of books, they are everywhere, In the family room (where we have plenty of shelves for books) the lounge, under her bed, in the guest room, in her wardrobe, I've just found about 10 in the entry way closet. She rarely re-reads, but any suggestion she passes them or sells them is shot down. Some of the books never have and never will be read, we must have about 6 copies of some books (annotated, collectors editions), I've found about 9 Copies of Emma (Jane Austen is her favourite author and her name is Emma so over the years she has collected several variations of the book). We don't have an attic or garage, so there is little option to box them up and put them out the way that way. She has said she will take some to uni with her and find place for the rest in her room but I don't see that possible.
If it was just the books I wouldn't mind as much, but it also her sports kits (ballet and tennis), perfumes, shoes (so many trainers!!), a recently acquired love for vinyl records (the player is in the family room so mainly floating around in there. All this stuff won't fit in her room and she can't possibly take it all to uni halls either. I feel like everywhere I look there is something of DDs, it's driving me wild!!
I think I should make an ultimatum, either she finds space in her room or on the bookshelves in the family room (or takes to uni with her) or it has to be sold/binned/ridded of in some other way. DH thinks this is cruel, We should find space, even if it is boxing it up an moving it into the babies room, in the closet etc. until she is finished uni and able to take it herself, or asking grandparents if they can spare any space. I will also need her room to act as a guest room for a little while, so it cant be stacked with boxes (the closet can be and under the bed sure but nowhere else.
Am I being cruel? Is this just me being excessive with nesting? Is DH right and its cruel to ask her to part with things she loves?
Before anyone suggests she doesn't like kindle etc. has to read it in paper form!!!

If your eldest will be away to Uni soon anyway it makes sense for dd2 to have the loft room. Once they go away....... in my experience they are gone and stay pretty much gone (unless they come back of course after graduating but mine havent done that).
I would help dd1 to gift/donate/sell whatever she cant find room for in her room. If she cant find space for it, it goes. I dont think thats harsh at all. When shes a grown up with her own home she can do as she pleases but for now she ought to be restricting herself to what she can reasonably find space for - which doesnt mean an entire family home!

Sorry, I know it must be awful and I hate clutter, I’ve even culled my books (and I’m a writer!), but she sounds hilariously great. All that classic literature, tennis and ballet, romanticising the windows and the light! Does she want to be a writer?

Unfortunately I think you’ve left it too late because now it very much seems like “we’re having a baby, you must throw out all your possessions and if you don’t, we’ll do it when you’re at uni, please leave and make room for a new person”. An ultimatum should have come long ago that she had to move rooms or lose the stuff; it would be awful to do so now.

Can you go vertical with storage? Many more hallway hooks for kit, one of those shoe hanging things for her wardrobe, a cabin bed with shelves underneath? Can you afford storage at Big Yellow or something so she can keep her book collection without it cluttering the house? Double shelve the books?

I gave my dd a few extra items to take back to Uni each holiday/weekend visit it didn’t feel to overwhelming for her or me, she has most items now but still can’t bring myself to move out of my box room into her big room, maybe if you start with the none sentimental books to take to Uni and keep the others at home she may well start to part with a few as she moves onto new accommodation each year

Her mind must be all over the place. She's leaving home and making her way in the world, but at the same time, mum is having a brand new baby and wants to get rid of her bedroom and turn it into a guest room. That's a lot of change in a very short space of time.

Pick your battles. Her room doesn't need to be turned into a guest room - you can use the baby's room as a guest room, especially as the baby can't/won't sleep in there for at least the first 6-12 months of their life.

Let her keep anything she can find space for. Does her room have plenty of storage? If not, can you buy her some? Can some of her stuff be stored in the baby's room (under beds etc) for a few months while she adjusts to university life etc?

I agree with PP that this is the wrong time to make her chuck out a whole load of her stuff.

Also, for funding uni: Music Magpie and others will buy books. She could get rid of the ones she’s not sentimental about, sell valuable ones to a dealer, and buy herself a really nice set of bookshelves and get to start her collection over.

Maybe invest in some decent ‘ really useful boxes’. They are really sturdy for if she needs to transport stuff, and in the mean time they seal well, and you can stack 2-3 of them depending on size.

You can still try and sort with her, but shows she has somewhere to keep what she doesn’t want to get rid of yet ie books, but does need to filter though random stuff like 6 bottles

My dd took most of her things to uni last year, she was lucky to have a large room, now she’s home they have gone into storage. Dd also loves books (doing English at uni) and likes to display them. She came home a couple weeks ago bringing twice as much stuff home than she went with 😬.

Suspect this isn't really about the books or the stuff but about her potentially moving out as a new baby moves in and her place in the family being replaced by a baby. She won't say that rationally but that's how she might feel. She might also feel like now she's 18 and there's a genuine baby to be looked after, she's a grown up now and shouldn't need to be "looked after" when deep down she still wants to feel loved and cared for. As we all do. So it's all about that really.
Handle this gently. The stuff doesn't really matter xx

Oh she is quite incredible don't get me wrong her whimsy and ability to romanticise just about everything is something to be admired. She's crafted this life for herself and it is beautiful. She would love to write fiction but mainly sees herself having a career in Journalism (as wistful as she is, she is incredibly aware of the world she lives in, more so than me, we will be watching the news or such and she will come out with such articulate and eloquent comments I'm often left astounded), but I see a romance novel in her future as she loves it so much and as a child dreamt of being an author. I hate to do anything that counters her personality, I suppose that is why I've dealt with books in the entry way closet and on the kitchen island for so long. I can't wait for her to have her own home one day as I'm sure it will be all the whimsy that she is. Though I'm so glad DD2 is much her opposite, DD2 hates paper books, anything romantic and is far more practical than her sister, they balance one and other lovely!! I wish we had a bigger house or the timing was different to ease the pressure. My parents live at the other end of the country but have said if we can get the stuff down they will hold onto it for her. Funnily enough it's raining here now and she's exclaimed she is done with organising and just wants to sit by the window and enjoy the rain!! Delight of a girl she is, she can often drive me mad!!

I don't think I could convince her to sell any that are of value!! She'd make some comment about their monetary value not being equivalent to their sentimental value and that unless millions could be offered she'd not let them go!!

To be fair with books, I get why she wants to keep them. One day she will hopefully have her own place with lots of bookcases and shelves for them. Could you just box them up and store them in the loft?

Would she even notice? I’d just get rid of them while she’s out. Obviously not the special ones. But any bog standard book. Or ones that have never been read. I’d charity shop them while she’s out

You are right the timing of a new baby is not ideal at all, not planned at all but a blessing none the less. I want DD to know she is loved and wanted but I also know that I need to be practical, hopefully shipping some stuff down to grandparents will help. DD1 appears more excited for the new baby than anyone else, the baby already has quite the library of their own thanks to big sister. I think her excitement has made me forget that this is still massively difficult for her.

I think she's unreasonable to expect her stuff to be allowed to clutter up communal areas (hall, kitchen, lounge...) for weeks on end when she's not there.

Surely there must be some stuff she can get rid of?

I wouldn't feel comfortable doing this, I don't know which books mean something and which don't. The ones which haven't been read are mainly collectors editions so I think she would notice if they were gone. They are her possessions I won't rid of any without her permission (A lot were nought with her money or gifts). More so, every now and then something will happen in her life and she will see remember a book that had dealt with something similar and be running around looking for it, so even if it isn't sentimental right now, she might end up looking for it.
I think we have a solution, lots of the books will be sent to her grandparents, she's agreed go through her tennis bags so only one is left here (we can fit one in the closet in the hall or under the stairs) and she actually got rid of a lot of the bottles (she didn't like drinking from them but had put stickers on them that she didn't want to lose so DD2 suggested we take them off the bottles and she glue them to a notebook or similar).

That sounds good OP. Understanding WHY she was keeping something means you can come up with alternatove solutions (stickers for example)

Really good storage bought for stuff she actually has will solve some of this. We redid my DD’s room during her first year at uni (in lockdown). She is a hoarder and hates getting rid of anything. It’s still not as good as I would like, but fitted units (IKEA) with the combination chosen for what she actually needs to store was a revelation.

By this I mean, for example, 750cm shelves with not too much depth to take kit bags. IKEA also have inexpensive storage boxes that perfectly fit onto all the combinations of shelves to make storage easy and neat. Think about an ottoman bed - they also swallow a huge amount of stuff.

She does need to get rid of some things, but maybe you can position it as adapting her space to work for her as an adult in the family home.

So... she will have to have it cluttering her room in tubs/IKEA bags ... and that might give her the kick up her arse she needs to get rid.

She's had the luxury of a four bed family home to spread this stuff around all her life, and that is about to change - so it is time she learned to contain her stuff or get rid, she is unlikely to have so much room for a long time to come!