Aibu to think that society blames women for not being to deliver a ridiculously demanding amount of things?

[HankMarvin2023]

As a single parent with two SEND children and a full time job and no support, I’ve been beating myself up about not being on top of everything. I look around my messy home and think another mum would do better. Someone else would make more nutritious meals etc. It’s down to me to manage time effectively etc.

It’s only just occurred that society places ridiculous expectations on women and then blames women for not being able to manage them.

Not got a perfect house? Well that’s time management.. you’re failing.. you need a system.

Ive been taken in by this and have been feeling crap about myself. Meanwhile my highly educated ex is cocklodging from someone else. There is not a penny from him. He is not contributing in any way, shape or form.

This is a patriarchal notion that I need to be on top of everything and that I’m to blame. It’s been a watershed moment this morning to realise this.

I think you very quickly find yourself just adopting this role for yourself too, especially when you first start living with a man. There are certain jobs my husband knows how to do and will do (dishwasher, bins, things needing done outside, any diy type job, making his own dinner sometimes) but that adds up to a lot less time than the day to day running of a house. The thing that bugs me the most with so much of it is the fact things like washings going on, being hung up, ironed then put away is never actually noticed as being done yet it takes up so much time. Wiping down surfaces is never noticed. Hoovering and cleaning floors is never noticed. It’s all such silent background jobs that if they weren’t done your house would look an absolute state (and the woman would be the one to look bad)!

I’d want to say this, @HankMarvin2023 - “You know exactly how much I’ve got on my plate, Bert, so you can either put your money where your mouth is - the hoover, duster and polish are over there - or you can keep your unwanted criticisms to yourself. Remember the old saying - if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all!”

As @ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees says, you are doing an amazing job, and I have nothing but admiration for you!

Friend's husband who probably couldn't manage to do half of it!!! How many men do you know in your position? Very few of any, I suspect.

You should ask them if they want to care for your children for 24 hours while you tidy the house?! Also what sort of friends are these - I would be so angry if my parents started talking shit like that to my friend. Who fo they think they are?

I will only listen to criticism where it's constructive,well intended and from a person who knows what they are talking about. Some people are just assholes who need to criticise others to build themselves up. They aren't worth your time or attention.

I am the same, OP. Two young children with SEN who barely sleep, full time professional job, no family help, lone parent. I also have a chronic illness.

I feel like I am always failing at something: struggling to give work enough focus, not spending enough time with my children (especially 1:1), always behind with housework (and I can't stand clutter so this drives me insane). The "to-do" list is never-ending particularly when I have to fit in all of the children's appointments and my own medical appointments, fight with social services, fight with family court, fight with CAMHS, have endless meetings with school, then make up the lost working time at night. While also being taxed to death and expected to pay more that a two adult household with the same income.

It is exhausting. And fundamentally not how humans evolved to raise families: it was meant to be a more communal setup with these things shared between wider family groups, not piled onto one adult to do alone.

It's safe to assume that since the OP started the thread then she is feeling pressure from other people. Not sure why you are so invested in belittling her feelings? Are you a pegs-on-the-line-makes-you-slovenly type?!!