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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to think that society blames women for not being to deliver a ridiculously demanding amount of things?

30 replies

HankMarvin2023 · 06/07/2023 13:00

As a single parent with two SEND children and a full time job and no support, I’ve been beating myself up about not being on top of everything. I look around my messy home and think another mum would do better. Someone else would make more nutritious meals etc. It’s down to me to manage time effectively etc.

It’s only just occurred that society places ridiculous expectations on women and then blames women for not being able to manage them.

Not got a perfect house? Well that’s time management.. you’re failing.. you need a system.

Ive been taken in by this and have been feeling crap about myself. Meanwhile my highly educated ex is cocklodging from someone else. There is not a penny from him. He is not contributing in any way, shape or form.

This is a patriarchal notion that I need to be on top of everything and that I’m to blame. It’s been a watershed moment this morning to realise this.

OP posts:

NoChanceYouMetalBastard · 06/07/2023 13:03

Yes, definitely. Unfortunately, due to the internalised misogyny we all pick up along the way, women uphold this on behalf of the patriarchy an awful lot. You only have to look at the threads on here. Every job (that a woman is doing) only "takes 2 minutes".

You really have to just ignore everyone else and their ridiculous notions and crack on.

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 06/07/2023 13:15

I don't know but I'm not in your situation i'm not a mum.

I think a lot of people like me would admire someone looking after two children with SEN, no to mention doing it while holding down a full time job and doing it all by themselves.

I can only assume that you are very decent person, you work your ass off, are completely selfless and are doing it all for the sake of your kids. There's a grit, residence and hardworking that.

I wouldn't judge you, I'd admire you & respect you. A suspect a huge number of women would too.

GloomySkies · 06/07/2023 13:16

FWIW I work part time, my children don't have any additional needs, and my husband does do some stuff around the house and I'm still not on top of everything so you're doing fantastically just to not drown.

Caravanvirgin · 06/07/2023 13:18

First wave feminism told us we can have it all. In reality it meant we were expected to do it all.

helpfulperson · 06/07/2023 13:36

I think a huge amount of the pressure on women to do this comes from women and mythical 'standards' created by them. You only have to look at the 'how often do you .....?' posts on here.

MammaTo · 06/07/2023 14:06

I seen a quote on Instagram (not sure who said it) saying raising babies is easy, it’s doing everything else that is hard.

A PP has hit it on the head, a lot is internalised misogyny - I feel like I SHOULD have a tidy house, cook, clean etc and if I can’t I’m somehow failing. I watched my own mum work full time and keep our house running and now I have to do it myself I am in awe of her.

I said to my partner the other day I’d love to be one of those mums who seems to spin all the plates effortlessly and he was baffled why anyone would want to be like this.

araiwa · 06/07/2023 14:07

You're putting the pressure on yourself

IveShaggedSomeMingers · 06/07/2023 14:08

We're also expected to be able to multitask. Just because we have two X chromosomes.

Covgal83 · 06/07/2023 14:14

Yes! My kids are getting to an age where maybe I could work full time again (I have a day off a week). People keep suggesting that I should. No thanks - I might finally not feel like I'm running just to catch up with myself. I work hard, do lots of community stuff and run a house and 2 kids. I'm okay as I am, Ta.

Coleslawclara · 06/07/2023 14:20

My biggest bugbear is school and their expectations. The pressure on mums, the working mums, is insane!

OhComeOnFFS · 06/07/2023 14:25

There is huge pressure on women to be everything to everyone. My friends and I are in that position with young adult children and parents who need care. There isn't much pressure on most men at all and they are praised so much if they do 10% of what women do.

First of all, why isn't your ex contributing? That is really awful - I think men who are earning but don't contribute towards their children's welfare are neglectful and should be sent to prison. They would soon find the money if that was the consequence.

TumbleweedRolling · 06/07/2023 14:29

Who exactly is blaming you?

NoChanceYouMetalBastard · 06/07/2023 14:29

helpfulperson · 06/07/2023 13:36

I think a huge amount of the pressure on women to do this comes from women and mythical 'standards' created by them. You only have to look at the 'how often do you .....?' posts on here.

The recent one about leaving pegs on the line springs to mind. It ran to pages. Women telling other women they were lazy over pegs. Fucking PEGS! Who gives a shit! (Men don't).

Fromage · 06/07/2023 14:34

To reverse it a bit, imagine you had a show home. Imagine everything was tidy and clean and sparkling and stylish at all times.....but you were on the verge of being fired, your children were miserable and suffering, and you still had your ex in the house.

Screw the washing up, the fluffed up sofa cushions and organic made from scratch dinners. You are prioritising wisely, and showhomes are for people with a higher than average amount of time and money on their hands.

And I agree, if you were a single man, some people would be astonished at your brilliance in managing to bung some washing in the machine, but because you're "only" a woman, it's more like ffs why is that bin full and that window could do with a clean.

The patriarchy. It bullshits.

CovertImage · 06/07/2023 14:37

You really have to just ignore everyone else and their ridiculous notions and crack on.

"Everyone else" who? OP mentioned the ubiquitous "patriarchy" - and "society" for god's sake - but it doesn't sound like the pressure's coming from anywhere other than herself.

bussteward · 06/07/2023 14:43

Plus you should be volunteering for the PTA, exercising, holding down a couple of interesting hobbies to discuss with friends because you also manage a strong social life, training for something in the evenings for fun, reading the latest novel, and of course hosting a podcast or writing a Substack about it all. Called, like, Reaching the Bottom of the Laundry Basket where you laugh about your inability to do so but the instagram supporting the podcast is filled with stylish photos showing you having it all, in clean, ironed clothes.

Catspyjamas17 · 06/07/2023 14:50

I used to feel this a lot more when I was younger and the kids were small but now I'm in my late 40s I really don't care what people think.

I do worry as well with so many women my age doing part time work for such long periods, whether they have also worked out the pensions/retirement implications. I think a lot of women my age will not be able to retire or will be in poverty when they do.

Original poster

HankMarvin2023 · 06/07/2023 14:58

Actually it’s not just me. We don’t have a huge amount of visitors. But I’ve had friends’ husbands come around and make disparaging comments about how my house keeping.

I think there is judgement generally on women. And also some of it is internalised too obviously.

OP posts:

Catspyjamas17 · 06/07/2023 15:02

bussteward · 06/07/2023 14:43

But equally people do genuinely enjoy and feel a benefit from doing that stuff, not because they feel the need to keep up or impress others. I have always been really busy outside of work and home and have lots of interests.

Plus I'm always amazed about the competitive towel washing and bed linen changing people go on about on MN. IRL and elsewhere on the net the people I talk to are more the other way and talk about how their house is messy and needs a good clean. When DDs were little I used to be in a Flickr group where we would share photos of messy rooms! It's less chaotic now they are older, though DD2's room tries to reach the old heights from time to time!

BallantyneValentine · 06/07/2023 15:05

Jordan Peterson reckons that women get more disagreeable as they get older. I think we, as a sex, need to work on reducing the timeline for developing this disagreeable trait. I certainly love my current disagreeable stage. It doesn’t win me many friends with demanding people but I am the happiest I have ever been.

Notmineagain · 06/07/2023 15:14

helpfulperson · 06/07/2023 13:36

I think a huge amount of the pressure on women to do this comes from women and mythical 'standards' created by them. You only have to look at the 'how often do you .....?' posts on here.

This. Women and not men are your own worst enemies.

fuckthisprivilage · 06/07/2023 15:23

This shit goes so deep and is so internalised.

Another example is the recent focus on UPF and how awful it is for our health, and our children's health. Women up and down the country now yet have another fucking thing to worry about, deal with, try to fix. My DH is "one of the good ones", yet I'm bloody certain that it hasn't spent any meaningful amount of time thinking about how we might reduce UPF in our diets. He knows that he can relax and wait for me to make whatever changes need making.

Gah. It's so bloody difficult to articulate but it is so real.

Precipice · 06/07/2023 15:27

Notmineagain · 06/07/2023 15:14

This. Women and not men are your own worst enemies.

Show quote history

That's not true. Women might uphold these sorts of expectations more than men in some situations. Not universal, since another poster mentions friends' husbands. But while this is the topic of the thread, it's not the greatest issue facing women more generally.

The worst enemy of women is not other women, but men. It is men who murder women and men who rape women and men who favour other men in promotions and men who set up systems that deny women education and property rights. It's men.

SoWhatEh · 06/07/2023 15:27

to you, OP. You are completely right.

We're also conditioned to be helpers not helped. Took me until I was fifty to realise I had the right to ask for help if I needed it. Almost too late.

If there is a Homestart in your area, get on to them and ask for someone to come and help you for a couple of hours a week.

You don't have to have a perfect home.
'All fed, none dead' is an achievement, given the workload you have..

AnneElliott · 06/07/2023 15:30

Yes I agree with you op. And as a single mum society puts a lot of blame on the mothers that have stuck around and done their best rather than the deaf beat dads that buggered off! That really annoys me.

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