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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Boyfriend shouting

42 replies

Lilly0909 · 05/07/2023 18:59

Hi all,

My boyfriend (28) and I (24) have been together for 18 months. He is lovely, kind, caring, loyal and does so much for me.

However, he's recently started shouting quite a lot whenever we have a disagreement. It can be a very silly problem too that can be solved with 'I'm sorry I didn't realise you felt that way, I won't do it again' etc. This started in May, he has a knee jerk reaction to things and just gets angry at me whilst I stay perfectly calm and try to communicate with him. I did try to explain that he shouldn't shout but it was falling on deaf ears.

After he did this a few times, I unconsciously drew away from him a bit and he noticed..

He then broached the issue with me and said he had noticed I was being a bit off with him, so I explained how upset I was about all the shouting. We had a very long conversation where I reminded him of my abusive ex boyfriend and how I can't handle being shouted at, especially when I'm being calm. He was incredibly apologetic and said he would never do it again.

Fast forward to yesterday where we had a disagreement and he has again just turned to shouting when I was being totally calm. We were sat parked in the car so it was quite intense being shouted at so close and I flinched a couple times. He told me I was fake flinching and playing the victim, even though he knows what I have been through with abusive men before.

Im not really sure what to do, he is lovely in all other ways but it feels like we really struggle to resolve conflict healthily. It always ends up in 2/3 days of not talking because he blows everything up into a huge issue.

Does anybody else's partner do this or used to do it? Did they stop? How do you deal with it?

We don't live together

OP posts:

Bimblesalong · 05/07/2023 19:51

If this is how reacts as a boyfriend with no shared commitments (eg house and kids) then imagine what he will be like with actual real stress.

No. No. No. end it.

PaigeMatthews · 05/07/2023 19:55

This is it, op. This is the red flag that tells you he is mot a good man. Youll have to walk on egg shells around him.

end it now.

and as this is the second abusive relationship im a row, book in for some counselling.

GoodChat · 05/07/2023 20:00

He's getting comfortable and showing you who he really is. Well done for spotting it.

You don't need to stand for this.

Thereoughttobeclowns · 05/07/2023 20:04

He doesn’t sound lovely. I wouldn’t tolerate someone shouting at me for a minute.

Get out and set your sights higher

moneymatr · 05/07/2023 20:11

He's showing you who he is. This won't get better, it will probably get worse. Leave now before you are more entwined

OngoingConfidence · 05/07/2023 20:16

I know the thread has only been up just over an hour, but, have you binned him off yet?

Sorchamarie · 05/07/2023 20:27

"He told me I was fake flinching and playing the victim, even though he knows what I have been through with abusive men before."

None of what you've described him doing is ok, but this is particularly bad. He's the fake one here. His mask is slipping. He's really really NOT a kind, caring guy. Please don't stay with him. He's only going to get more abusive. Best of luck OP.

pinkfondu · 05/07/2023 20:33

He's showing you who he is OP. You e given him a chance and he accused you of faking. Having been in a abusive relationship I know exactly what you are referring too and I think this is more dating than tge shouti g

Carsarelife · 05/07/2023 20:36

I've been married to a shouter and it wasn't just unpleasant- it was abusive. Please get shot of him now before it's too late. And tell him the reason why

Lejuge28 · 05/07/2023 20:39

The fact that after you told him how you felt about it he apologised and then when he shouted again and accused you of fake flinching proves he isn't a nice guy. This won't get better.

OhDoh · 05/07/2023 20:42

Wave goodbye and run fast.

Vallmo47 · 05/07/2023 20:44

When everyone is in agreement, I think you know what you need to do. Sorry Op, you’ve met a couple of bad eggs in a good bunch. You will find the right one eventually and your past experiences will show just how amazing it is when you do. Take care.

Newestname002 · 05/07/2023 20:46

It's already escalating isn't it?
• even though he knows about her abusive Ex, he shouts at her when they argue, even (or maybe also because) she stays calm
• she explains how his actions affect her, he apologies BUT
• shouts again when they're in very close contact inside a car and when she flinches (usually an involuntary act borne from fear)
• he disrespects her by accusing her of faking her reactions and "playing the victim" - despicable behaviour by him.

@Lilly0909 the fact that "he is lovely in all other ways" really isn't enough to save this relationship as you'll frequently be on eggshells, waiting for the next incident. Is that good enough for you? For the rest of your life? When/if you had children with with him?

Thank goodness you're not living together. At the very least get your key back if he has one, and take a good break from him. During that time, maybe get some professional therapy for yourself to get some emotional support. Good luck OP. 🌹

Aquamarine1029 · 05/07/2023 20:47

He is not a lovely man, he is an abuser. His mask has finally slipped and you are seeing him for who he truly is. He will get worse.

Dump the fuck out of him and never look back.

GG1986 · 05/07/2023 21:16

Usually the first year of a relationship is all romantic and lovely, then they start showing their true colours and this is exactly what he is doing. Get out now, before he becomes like your abusive ex.

Tangelablue · 05/07/2023 22:00

You're experiencing the cycle of abuse. The person he seemed to be at the start of the relationship doesn't exist, it was an act. X

Grumpy101 · 05/07/2023 22:15

It will just get worse. Imagine life years down the line - it gets much much more stressful than at 24 lol and having a shouting partner makes everyday life so much harder. I had one and left him after 7 years. It erodes your self esteem slowly but surely, you start walking on egg shells, censoring yourself, worried of making a mistake as it will be YOUR FAULT for making him angry and ruining a special moment.

You've had the talk, he knows it's not acceptable yet he does it anyway. Actions speak louder than words, you are telling him it's ok.

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