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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Boyfriend shouting

42 replies

Lilly0909 · 05/07/2023 18:59

Hi all,

My boyfriend (28) and I (24) have been together for 18 months. He is lovely, kind, caring, loyal and does so much for me.

However, he's recently started shouting quite a lot whenever we have a disagreement. It can be a very silly problem too that can be solved with 'I'm sorry I didn't realise you felt that way, I won't do it again' etc. This started in May, he has a knee jerk reaction to things and just gets angry at me whilst I stay perfectly calm and try to communicate with him. I did try to explain that he shouldn't shout but it was falling on deaf ears.

After he did this a few times, I unconsciously drew away from him a bit and he noticed..

He then broached the issue with me and said he had noticed I was being a bit off with him, so I explained how upset I was about all the shouting. We had a very long conversation where I reminded him of my abusive ex boyfriend and how I can't handle being shouted at, especially when I'm being calm. He was incredibly apologetic and said he would never do it again.

Fast forward to yesterday where we had a disagreement and he has again just turned to shouting when I was being totally calm. We were sat parked in the car so it was quite intense being shouted at so close and I flinched a couple times. He told me I was fake flinching and playing the victim, even though he knows what I have been through with abusive men before.

Im not really sure what to do, he is lovely in all other ways but it feels like we really struggle to resolve conflict healthily. It always ends up in 2/3 days of not talking because he blows everything up into a huge issue.

Does anybody else's partner do this or used to do it? Did they stop? How do you deal with it?

We don't live together

OP posts:

HabberdasheryAddict · 05/07/2023 19:01

No no no. You know where this is heading. Get out now...

Paq · 05/07/2023 19:03

I’m so pleased he’s just a boyfriend. This is so far outside the boundaries of what is normal and acceptable. He needs to be a lm ex boyf.

LittleHare · 05/07/2023 19:05

We don't live together

^ That's the best thing you've written. Keep it that way, and better still just don't have him in your life full stop, as it can only get worse.

HarrietStyles · 05/07/2023 19:08

You need to be very clear to him that shouting is a red line to you, that cannot be crossed. If he shouts at you then the relationship is immediately over. If he wants to be in a relationship with you then he cannot shout at you. And follow through if he does it just once more. If you allow people to cross your boundaries once then they will walk all over you.

Trainsplanesandfeet · 05/07/2023 19:11

Don’t settle for someone who makes you feel scared and sad

He might have many lovely qualities but this one matters to you and you have to listen to your own needs.

Is he hasn’t been able to control his volume despite you explaining and asking then he has self control issues and I would worry how much more this would escalate.

I think you need to seriously consider calling time on the relationship even though it might be hard and hurt.

Iknowthis1 · 05/07/2023 19:12

It's going to get worse, not better, when he's facing more serious pressures.

Stratocumulus · 05/07/2023 19:13

This is so sad for you given the length of your relationship. I’m so sorry you are being shouted at like this. I can’t bear being shouted at either. It presses a lot of buttons for me too. It’s good you don’t live together. Keep it that way.

He is disrespecting your memory of horrid past experience and disrespecting who you are now. Imagine him doing that in front of a small impressionable child. It would be so destructive.

I think, if you continue your relationship, that one day he will push you too far & you'll dump him.

For now, if you can’t bear the thought of finishing with him just yet, at least make sure you don’t start living permanently together under the same roof because for sure his shouting will really ramp up then. Just don’t.

Snowpaw · 05/07/2023 19:18

He is showing you how he handles stress / disagreement. And if this is how he is over just minor things, it won't improve if your relationship gets more serious. Imagine trying to navigate stressful situations together in the future like moving house, or having children, or infertility, or a family crisis. It will only get worse.

tennesseewhiskey1 · 05/07/2023 19:19

Run - and run fast.

samqueens · 05/07/2023 19:22

OP, I’m sorry this is happening to you but honestly also so glad you posted here while you’re not yet trapped and worn down by him!! He is not your husband, you’re still really young, no children - it’s the perfect time to learn this lesson…

Read Lundy Bancroft Why Does He Do That? (Download on kindle) don’t tell your boyf. This is going to be especially useful to you if you’ve been in a previous abusive relationship.

Future proof yourself now

(and leave your boyfriend - he is not lovely, kind, caring etc if he were he wouldn’t be shouting at you like this. Leave him to sort his issues out himself, don’t get dragged down).

RoseslnTheHospital · 05/07/2023 19:23

He isn't lovely, kind, caring - he's a shouting intimidating man. Don't put up with this, I'd just end it right now and move on. He's had enough chances to stop this behaviour but he's ignored your boundaries and continued.

Pancake678 · 05/07/2023 19:23

Don't accept this behaviour. He isn't going to change. Walk away.

Pixiedust1234 · 05/07/2023 19:23

He's not lovely at all.

He knows you have had abusive partners before and he still won't stop shouting at you. He sees you flinching and says you are playing at being a victim.

You know hes grooming you, dont you? Don't accept his abuse. Leave him and don't look back. You are worth so much more than this

Coralsunset · 05/07/2023 19:25

Bin him.

Thehop · 05/07/2023 19:25

He's grooming you. He is another abusive boyfriend pretending to be lovely kind and caring

yoube some really well to recognise it. Keep your strength and leave him. Please

CharlotteSometimes1 · 05/07/2023 19:28

Many abusive men can be loving and kind, that’s how the attract and keep their partners. It’s too easy to think an abusive person is clearly horrible, but don’t be fooled into thinking that the good parts are worth it, run. He’s already broken your clear boundaries.

Failingjuggler · 05/07/2023 19:29

I’d look to leave and seek some counseling before getting into another relationship

Not because I think he is necessarily in the wrong 100% here but it’s not making you happy so leave

I would say though the counseling will be helpful as sometimes victims of abuse have difficulty gauging tone and levels of ‘shouting’ so he might not be that loud, so feels you might be exaggerating.

I had this with DH before he sought therapy, childhood abuse meant even the slightest raising of my voice, even in excitement he took as ‘shouting’ and got incredibly upset.

ItsNotWhatItsNot · 05/07/2023 19:31

Go and live your life, do significant amounts of work on yourself to ensure you’ll never date another piece of trash. Self esteem courses, raising your self worth, zero tolerance on any future boyfriend choosing to behave like scum. At 24 your entire life lies out before you. No reason to not immediately dump this loser.

CattyCattle · 05/07/2023 19:34

Please leave OP. It won't get better, you will just be pulled further into a trauma bond.

ThisWormHasTurned · 05/07/2023 19:35

I had one. Did it get better? No. It got worse..and worse..until I went from a bubbly, happy person to a shadow of my former self. Got divorces earlier this year.

He know how difficult this is for you. He does it anyway 🚩 . Not talking for days? 🚩 Accusing you of ‘fake flinching?’ Worrying.

I’d suggest doing the Freedom programme online. It only cost about £15. Might be enlightening. I found Why does he do that? a difficult read but helpful.

The nice guy part is an act. The aggressive, shouty, in your face guy is his true self. He’s showing you who he really is. Listen!

FOJN · 05/07/2023 19:40

You flinched when he shouted at you in a confined space and he accused you of faking to give himself permission to carry on shouting at you.

This man has no respect for your boundaries and does not give a shit that he is frightening you.

No further discussion is warranted, he will not change and in fact if you stay with him he will likely get worse.

End it now before he manages to convince you it's all your fault.

CattyCattle · 05/07/2023 19:41

Honestly OP my exh would shout and then accuse me of using my body language against him to play the victim.. my completely natural and unconscious response to the vile that would spew out of his mouth.

It never got better, it only got worse. He once drove me to a dental appointment and then shouted at me and drove 40 mins in another direction to keep shouting at me.. because I looked sad when he said we couldn't get the milkshakes we agreed to get before my sedation procedure.

he took something away from me that I might never get back. Completely ruined me.

Get out whilst you can. I really hope you do and you don't go back time and time when you believe his promises of change.

Cakeandcookies · 05/07/2023 19:46

💐 and a hug for you OP. I think you know the answer OP as you've asked if it got better, which is what I imagine you are hoping for. The fact he knows your history and said he won't do it again and then has accused you of fake flinching is a massive red flag. Its like he managed to keep a lid on it to be the 'perfect' man but the cracks are showing. Do not allow yourself to be treated like that again as it sounds like it is happening more often. It csn be incredibly hard to leave a relationship whether you live with someone or not, which I know you don't. Do you have someone you can turn to? Close friend? Parents? Siblings? Grandparents? Does he do this when you are alone? You should be with someone who treats you with respect, love, kindness and compassion, NEVER makes you feel anxious, worried or scared. The decision is yours OP but remember to look after yourself.

Cherrysoup · 05/07/2023 19:48

Fake flinching?! He’s showing you who he is, OP. Run.

LobsterCrab · 05/07/2023 19:48

It's really shocking that he accused you of fake flinching. He's refusing to take responsibility and making out that you're the one to blame.

Also, I find it worrying that this only started a couple of months ago when you've been together for 18 months. A lot of abusers hide their true nature at first until you've been sucked in. If he was just a natural shouter then wouldn't he have been doing it from day 1?

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