Am I being too soft - sports day.

[Nervouswreck25]

back story
daughters school sports day is a big event, they go to a big park and all years compete the same day and all parents are mainly there. They don’t do like 1st place individual stickers or anything like that
but they are grouped in to 4 house colours.
so they all compete in each race so for example
normal running race - 1 from each house will run and who ever wins go threw to the next round and the other 3 are eliminated.
then the next set go etc
then the 4 winners race against each-other to determine who wins the race. If the winner is from blue team then they get the the most points and second gets less points and 3rd less.
it is extremely competitive and the houses always want to win as they get a house treat.
my daughter has significant health needs as well as physical disabilities. She is in a right mess about sports day coming up because she knows her house will moan that it’s not fair and they won’t get enough points. Especially in races like relay races etc where it’s a team effort.
she also hates that there is so many people watching her when she just can’t do it. I had decided it wasn’t worth her being so stressed out about it and a friend / school mum said it wasn’t teaching her anything by letting her bail.
she said some kids are not good at maths but they have to sit their maths exams - I don’t think this is the same. The other children can not see their answers, there is no crowed of people watching and their answers don’t effect others grades so no moaning. she participates in PE the best she can but the thought of sports day and being embarrassed is so bad for her !
AIBU or is she correct ?

she knows her house will moan that it’s not fair and they won’t get enough points

Teaching children sportsmanship, how to be encouraging and nice, and that not every one is good at everything is what sports day is about.

Of course your DD doesn't want to attend if her classmates are going to be mean to her.

What are the school doing to address this?

I'd speak to school and ask that they either make adjustments or she skips it

I agree it sounds detrimental for her and I’d let her have a sick day
but sure other people might disagree

I made DS2 go to sports day. If I could turn back the clock, I would not. It is my only regret with regard to school - I took the ‘it’s good for him to take part and know other kids do better’ view. All that happened is that he got very upset and other kids wound him up to get a reaction. One great TA was good with him and got him jobs to do to help her, but all in all, I should have kept him off.

He’s since taken part in swimming galas at high school so it isn’t t as though he does nothing for house points, but running and football were disaster zones and all the parents watching made it worse.

Swerve it.
What exactly would forcing her to participate teach?

That you don't listen to her?
That she is at a disadvantage compared to her peer group?
That other people are not empathetic to her needs?
To hate sports day/sports in general...

Why would you want her to learn those things? She almost certainly knows some of them already. Keep her off school, if you feel the need, go and do something energetic and fun with her elsewhere.

Back in primary DTs had a girl with Duschennes (sorry sp), they did it like your school but when this girl was in a race / event they all held back and crossed the line together regardless of what house they were in.

I really hope the school can support your DD. The reality is that she is going to need to learn how to navigate herself around a world which is going to present more challenges to her than others.
If the school is not including her then they are really letting her down.

I have a similar child - skip, do not listen to parents who don’t get it. I don’t have to do sports day as an adult, it teaches kids with disabilities nothing worth knowing.

This is perfect. My kids’ primary is like this too - it made my heart happy watching the whole school cheering on a child with disabilities and I’ve seen it also for children without disabilities but who just find sport more difficult but are persevering and finishing the race well behind everyone else.

OP, it’s sad that your daughter isn’t experiencing this kind of atmosphere at her school and I would be asking questions about how the school are ensuring that the children support each other (it shouldn’t just be about children with disabilities, but this is an obvious example of a primary school culture that isn’t right). However, until then, I would keep her off school for sports’ day if that’s what is needed - she’ll have far too many opportunities to learn resilience, sadly, and she doesn’t have to suffer through this particular event.

Wait for the school's reply. If it's not satisfactory, get a phone call or meeting. Make clear that a) you want your DD to take part and b) you cannot let her do so unless they make the required and appropriate adjustments.

I’ve been your daughter in normal PE. In first school everyone cheered me on and an adjustment was made- felt ten feet tall.

I was slower and dropped the ball in netball. Neither team captain (strong players getting to pick their teams) wanted to pick me so I was last. I didn’t blame them, I wouldn’t in the same position. - why would you pick a weak player? I stood and got bored and cold. There was no other child that could even things up.

I stopped taking my PE kit and did nothing for three years. I had what is now an ehcp saying I needed PE to strengthen bones etc. I really hoped all schools would be better at this in 2023.

OP - please ask the school for adjustments and if not then keep her off but please explain honestly. Hopefully they may re think. The more advocates people with disabilities have the better and hopefully things improve. I know you shouldn’t have to and your daughter be a learning experience for the staff (never mind children)

Isn’t it against the law not to make reasonable adjustments for her?

I’d have a chat with the Senco/class teacher and explain yours and her worries. If they don’t come up with a good solution, keep her off.

I don’t like all this, “well if it was maths, you’d do it” as a comparison.

A. I’ve had to use basic maths a lot more in life than I’ve ever ran in races as an adult so it’s not the same measure.

B. In all honesty, some kids shouldn’t do one size fits all maths exams if they’re likely to fail anyway and avoid the stress.

As a SEN parent, you need to advocate for your child, as you know. Listen to your gut feeling on this one. There’s always the next nine years for her to take part if she wants!

Yeah if they made reasonable adjustments that’d be great but there almost never seems to be any proactive thought on this from schools.

My DD is dyslexic, she gets a scribe and a reader and extra time. Your daughter should have reasonable adjustments like starting ahead of the others etc. Sounds awful

Personally I see it as you're teaching her that it's ok just to not bother with something you're not good at.

There is far more to sports day that winning. The whole thing is about supporting those on your team. Team spirit etc...

For once it is an opportunity for often less academic kids to shine at something.

As an adult, there are often many things that you have to do that you might not like. It's a life lesson.

Did you read the OP, especially this bit: significant health needs as well as physical disabilities. She is in a right mess about sports day coming up because she knows her house will moan that it’s not fair and they won’t get enough points

She has experienced sports day before. She gets moaned at. That isn't Team Spirit from the others. She isn't on anything like a 'level playing field'.

She probably has more challenges to overcome day to day than other kids already. She doesn't need a day to be made to feel useless in public too.

I wouldn't make her do it

You are t teaching her anything- if as an adult with those same needs she was asked to
So the same thing, bringing derision on herself and feel embarrassed and self conscious- who I their right mind would force her to it ?

Would you do it ?

No . I would not make her do it . Teach her she has some autonomy.

Life is hard enough for SEN kids .

You’re not sheltering her. She knows she isn’t able to physically do things the others can. The sports day is just rubbing it in and making her feel bad. The school should provide an activity she can do so she can join in or allow her to be the referee or something.

Sports day is pointless. It isn't worth a child getting so upset about it so I'd just let her stay at home.

Maths exams are not taken in public with everyone watching. Keep the child home.

How does OP's daughter staying at home have any impact on others having a chance to 'shine'?

I have a child with additional physical needs and in one spectacular cock up he was asked to do the sack race (he can’t jump with two feet together). He ended up rolling over the line. Whilst everyone clapped and cheered and said “what a good sport he was”

He is just as competitive as any other child. And no rolling across the line last was not what he wanted to do, he was as mortified. It was appalling.

We high tailed it to the nearest Lego emporium bought a large box and promised him faithfully that he could skip any future sports days. He still seethes 4 years later.

I've two DC - one sporty and neurotypical and one SEN who can find sports day a challenge from sensory perspective.

I also work in a primary school with many SEN children. Adjustments should be made where necessary to enable everyone to take part.

However it's also worth bearing in mind that competition by its nature means there will be winners and losers and no one enjoys being last.

The school very much need to work on teaching kids those soft skills: how to be supportive; teamwork; how to be gracious in defeat. However, I'm also guessing there are some kids who are great/supportive but others whose emotional ability is very low and who cannot help but seek to place blame on others. That's something the school can't control - the outbursts of unkindness from those children.

Those children who struggle academically don't get to hide that ability, everyone in the class knows who they are, and they too can have unkindness aimed at them.

Life at school can be tough, but work with the school so your child can get the best experience for her. If they're a good school, they'll want to do this.