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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have been honest with DM about her husband?

29 replies

Failingjuggler · 05/07/2023 15:36

DM married her husband about 7 years ago. He is a bit of a twat but treats her well and has helped her through a serious illness, surgeries etc.

He however is not liked by myself, DH and most of the wider family, he is a GB news watching, Daily Mail reading, Brexit voting idiot who makes offensive comments about asylum seekers crossing the channel, isn’t very nice to or about my brother due to his ASD, has made several nasty comments about my husband after he was diagnosed with depression - you hopefully get the picture.

We have recently had our first baby and DM is really keen after she is healed from an upcoming surgery to plan a family holiday, I’ve been putting it off as I don’t want to travel anywhere with her husband.

I suggested we pay for her to come with us on a Disney cruise, made the excuse that the suite was compact (one room for her and DD, one room for us) but she said no because she doesn’t want to travel without her DH, and they wouldn’t be able to afford to go on a Disney cruise to join us.

She wasn’t picking up what I was putting down by constantly offering alternative suggestions, so yesterday on a call I had to just be honest and tell her I don’t want to travel with her husband, he is a nasty bully and I barely tolerate the few hours we spend with him every few weeks at family meals etc. and I wasn’t going to spend time on a holiday with someone like that.

Despite knowing everyone in the family dislikes her husband she still seemed surprised by this and is now very upset.

I understand her view, in that she has come through something really serious that very well could have killed her, and she wants to take life by the horns and spend as much time with her loved ones doing great things together, but she still doesn’t really understand being attached at the hip to a massive twat means many people won’t want to do that.

So AIBU and we should just grit our teeth and travel with him since we are lucky to have this time with her?

OP posts:
underneaththeash · 05/07/2023 15:38

I’d give her the option of a night away with her and her husband or a longer trip with just her.

FictionalCharacter · 05/07/2023 15:39

Yanbu. You don’t have to go on holiday with someone who’s horrible to you. Your dm has made her choice but he’s her partner, not yours.

Aquamarine1029 · 05/07/2023 15:39

You were right to have told her. It was her choice to marry him but that doesn't mean you must allow him to spoil your holidays. I wouldn't want this man around my family on a regular basis, either.

RatherBeRiding · 05/07/2023 15:42

This is actually on your DM rather than you. Her DH is widely disliked - she knows that now, if she didn't before and I can't believe she hadn't picked up on it - and you've offered for her to come without him. It's her choice.

thecatinthetwat · 05/07/2023 15:44

Years ago I would have just done it. Now I would do the same as you op. You don’t have to travel with this man and you wouldn’t enjoy your dm company with him around. It’s a shame but you’re making the best choice here.

Gymmum82 · 05/07/2023 15:49

It’s good that you told her. She knows now even if she didn’t before.
She can holiday with you alone or not at all. You don’t have to have your holidays spoilt by someone you don’t like.
Also if you give in once she may want to do it again because oh but it was lovely last time.
She picked him at the end of the day, maybe she can make him be more pleasant to be around

MichelleScarn · 05/07/2023 15:49

I can see a bit where she's coming from. How old is Dd if she's going to be sharing a room with her are you expecting her to have overnight care of the baby?

tsmainsqueeze · 05/07/2023 15:53

I could get over / ignore his bigoted opinions to some degree but i could NEVER accept him bullying my brother , no way !
I would be giving him such a bollocking each and every time he was unkind to him and i heard or was made aware of it.
So yes you have done right being honest and he wouldn't be coming on holiday with me.

Sunnydaysaredefhere · 05/07/2023 15:53

Urgh is she referring to him as your dc's dgf by any chance?

whynotwhatknot · 05/07/2023 15:59

i think yanbu op-sorry she feels she cant do anything without him but all you can do is offer

my df partner is a twat homophobic same gb news fanatic thinks all foreigners should leave etc

uses derogortory terms-my df just laughs says its who se is-well thats nice but i dont have to like it

Coralsunset · 05/07/2023 15:59

YANBU.

Theres no reason you can’t have a holiday or break with your mother that doesn’t include her awful DH.

Stick to your guns.

Zebedee55 · 05/07/2023 16:02

You can do as you want, obviously, but I wouldn't have done this without my DH, so I get your mothers view.

Luckily, my late DH got on with my kids.

Just do as you like, and let your mother make her choices.😉

Puzzledandpissedoff · 05/07/2023 16:21

Despite knowing everyone in the family dislikes her husband she still seemed surprised by this and is now very upset

Unless she has form for a total lack of empathy, and since she already knew he's widely disliked, I doubt she was surprised at all ... most likely this and the "upset" is an attempt to manipulate you into overlooking his ghastly behaviour

The choice about whether to go away without him is hers to make and choices have consequences, so as long as you continue offering to travel just with her I'd say you're covered

NowItsLikeSnowAtTheBeach · 05/07/2023 16:22

YANBU

The fact he treats your brother, HER OWN SON, badly, and she still is 'shocked' that extended family don't want to spend precious holiday time with him is telling.

She clearly wants him at all costs, even her extended family's time and experiences. Very sad.

Pipsquiggle · 05/07/2023 16:32

YANBU.

You tolerate him every few weeks for a few weeks - well done for doing that.

You do not have to tolerate him on your hard earned, precious holiday. He would ruin it for you.

I am glad he treats your DM well but it doesn't mean you have to go on holiday with him.

Stick to your guns.

Pipsquiggle · 05/07/2023 16:33

*for a few hours

ManateeFair · 05/07/2023 16:34

YANBU at all.

Even if your DM thinks you could set aside your political differences (which personally I couldn't, not if someone was as vocal and extreme as her husband seems to be), how the hell can she be 'surprised' that you feel this way about a man who is unpleasant to/about your brother (her own son, FFS!!) because of his autism, and who is nasty about your husband? I mean, why on earth would she imagine you'd want to go away with a man who treats your loved ones like shit?

justanothermanicmonday1 · 05/07/2023 16:36

I could've wrote this about my DM husband.

I've been honest and don't really want him around unless absolutely necessary.

At the end of the day she won't leave it. So you'll just have to bite your tongue and limit the time you spend in his company. You don't want it putting a wedge between you and DM.

Original poster
Failingjuggler · 05/07/2023 16:36

RatherBeRiding · 05/07/2023 15:42

This is actually on your DM rather than you. Her DH is widely disliked - she knows that now, if she didn't before and I can't believe she hadn't picked up on it - and you've offered for her to come without him. It's her choice.

People have told her openly over the years, she just doesn’t ‘get’ it that people don’t want to be around him and the only reason people tolerate him the amount we do is for her.

She thinks everyone should let the past be in the past etc. but the comments he has made about people in the family are a bit too awful to just forgive and forget

OP posts:
billy1966 · 05/07/2023 16:36

Yanbu.

Your mother knows well how you feel.

She tolerates him being nasty about her son?

But is upset because she has been told clearly he is rude, nasty and unpleasant?

Pity about her.

She has chosen to be with an ugly person.

Her choice, but you certainly don't have to tolerate him.

That you suffer his company every couple of weeks tells me you are a hugely tolerant person.

She can suck it up, just as you all have had to do more than you would have liked.

Original poster
Failingjuggler · 05/07/2023 16:39

ManateeFair · 05/07/2023 16:34

YANBU at all.

Even if your DM thinks you could set aside your political differences (which personally I couldn't, not if someone was as vocal and extreme as her husband seems to be), how the hell can she be 'surprised' that you feel this way about a man who is unpleasant to/about your brother (her own son, FFS!!) because of his autism, and who is nasty about your husband? I mean, why on earth would she imagine you'd want to go away with a man who treats your loved ones like shit?

I think the issue is she is very forgiving, tbh in my view too forgiving (she forgave the grandparent who allowed her to be SA as a child, she forgave her abuser etc.) so thinks if she can forgive something so awful, it’s not too much for us to forgive some mean comments IYSWIM.

Whats worse is she is very much politically left, the whole family is so he is just very outsidery in general with his views

OP posts:
Original poster
Failingjuggler · 05/07/2023 16:40

Sunnydaysaredefhere · 05/07/2023 15:53

Urgh is she referring to him as your dc's dgf by any chance?

Of course she is Grin

But always looks confused when I use his first name to DD around them

OP posts:
Original poster
Failingjuggler · 05/07/2023 16:42

MichelleScarn · 05/07/2023 15:49

I can see a bit where she's coming from. How old is Dd if she's going to be sharing a room with her are you expecting her to have overnight care of the baby?

She is 6 months, and she would give her left arm to care for her and share a room!

She is even first in line for the poo nappies 😂

OP posts:
BittenontheBum · 05/07/2023 17:10

I would have felt exactly the same (but for different reasons)
My mum's health was too far gone for her to feasibly leave when we discovered step fathers dirty little secret.
None of us wanted to be around him but we had no choice.
Definitely tainted memories 😢

StormShadow · 05/07/2023 17:53

I think it was best to be honest. She essentially forced your hand.