To have been honest with DM about her husband?

[Failingjuggler]

DM married her husband about 7 years ago. He is a bit of a twat but treats her well and has helped her through a serious illness, surgeries etc.

He however is not liked by myself, DH and most of the wider family, he is a GB news watching, Daily Mail reading, Brexit voting idiot who makes offensive comments about asylum seekers crossing the channel, isn’t very nice to or about my brother due to his ASD, has made several nasty comments about my husband after he was diagnosed with depression - you hopefully get the picture.

We have recently had our first baby and DM is really keen after she is healed from an upcoming surgery to plan a family holiday, I’ve been putting it off as I don’t want to travel anywhere with her husband.

I suggested we pay for her to come with us on a Disney cruise, made the excuse that the suite was compact (one room for her and DD, one room for us) but she said no because she doesn’t want to travel without her DH, and they wouldn’t be able to afford to go on a Disney cruise to join us.

She wasn’t picking up what I was putting down by constantly offering alternative suggestions, so yesterday on a call I had to just be honest and tell her I don’t want to travel with her husband, he is a nasty bully and I barely tolerate the few hours we spend with him every few weeks at family meals etc. and I wasn’t going to spend time on a holiday with someone like that.

Despite knowing everyone in the family dislikes her husband she still seemed surprised by this and is now very upset.

I understand her view, in that she has come through something really serious that very well could have killed her, and she wants to take life by the horns and spend as much time with her loved ones doing great things together, but she still doesn’t really understand being attached at the hip to a massive twat means many people won’t want to do that.

So AIBU and we should just grit our teeth and travel with him since we are lucky to have this time with her?

People have told her openly over the years, she just doesn’t ‘get’ it that people don’t want to be around him and the only reason people tolerate him the amount we do is for her

But that's a choice isn't it?
You've all been clear - politely I'm sure - about how you feel, and if she chooses to treat that as if it doesn't matter then the consequences are on her

Whilst your dm might be forgiving of things in the past, how does that work when her dh can’t help himself to expressing his political beliefs and negative opinions on your family members in the present.

Whilst it is her prerogative to be forgiving to people who have done her harm. She can’t make other people have the same attitude and it isn’t up to her to forgive her husband for things he has said about her ds and your dh.
I wouldn’t be surprised if she didn’t deep down think the same as her dh because if anyone said anything about my children then that would be the end. (I have ended long friendships over this type of thing)

Whilst you might think of her as meek and mild and married to an awful person I actually think it all comes comes from a place of arrogance

She expects people to behave the same as her (sweeping everything under the carpet) and feigns surprise when people say they can’t.

But expecting ultimately that her being this sweet woman will eventually get you to do as she wants

I think for me the fact he's a bully and says horrible things about your brother means you don't have to spend much time with him. If a dinner with him is awful, a holiday would be worse. Your mum is within her rights to insist she doesn't go without him. My mum wouldn't go without her husband though he's OK. But in your position I wouldnt go on holiday with them. If it ends in am argument that won't help anyone

Fwiw I had a mil similar to this. Plays the sweet little old lady who is hard done by because of life’s circumstances which are all of her own making but is an outright liar and treated people like they were pawns to be manoeuvred around a chess board. She did what she wanted to do and expected everyone to do what she expected them to do but then acted hurt and surprised when people stood up to her and said no.