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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Why do people behave like this??

51 replies

Cosyfire · 04/07/2023 18:24

Why do people (always women in my experience) sometimes choose to completely 'blank' people?

Basically, there's one mother I know from the school run. She def knows me, as daughter is in my DS class. She sees me everyday at school gates. Because we come from same direction, we're usually parked very close to each other. She has met me several times when other mothers are there, and will speak a bit to me (or group generally) then. But, when I see her away from school gates, she completely blanks me. As in, I'll wave and say hello, and she'll turn around and walk off. It's happened maybe 5, 6 times now. I'm certain I've done nothing to offend her. What is she playing at?
I'm not overly bothered by the way... have already come to the conclusion f**k her, and will no longer bother being friendly. Just really curious tbh.... does anyone have any clue why she decided to do this???

OP posts:

1of2 · 04/07/2023 20:14

I do agree this person sounds rude to to blank you, but I will admit I sometimes try to avoid people on the school run! One mum
in particular seemed to want to latch onto me, when in truth, numerous children into the school run, I want to drop off my DC and run. To be brutal, im not there to make friends! She started parking near me and hovering around so I would either wait in the car or run out and keep my head down. But would always speak if she caught my eye. I’m sorry, but I think some of us (if not a few) just want to drop and run.

Daffodilwoman · 04/07/2023 20:21

I have this so called face blindness too.
It is awful.
I once went on a works do. I got chatting to a woman, I asked her where she worked. Turned out she worked with me! Seriously, I am that bad. Outside of work , dressed in civvies, wearing makeup I could not place her. Many many times people speak to me and I’m thinking ‘Who are you?’

creativebutterfly · 04/07/2023 20:27

Face blindness is just an excuse for rudeness... not going to sit here and act like it hasn't happened to me, I'm bad with names honestly.

lljkk · 04/07/2023 21:12

I strongly recommend you just keep up the cheery hellos. If she can't respond nicely, it will start to make her quite narked.

StephanieSuperpowers · 04/07/2023 21:14

Why bother coming up with passive aggressive strategies to aggravate someone you don't know all that well?

Original poster

Cosyfire · 04/07/2023 22:33

Thanks for all the replies. I think they've made me think about a few things. I'm almost certain it's not face blindness, but I think there might be some truth in the theory that she's afraid I want to be friends. For the record, I absolutely do not. And I don't want playdates either. So, she might just be mistaking ordinary courtesy for some kind of friendship request.... weird, but I guess some people are just strange. Either way, the poster who said I'm a pushover is absolutely spot on. I realise that now. It goes against my nature to stand near someone I know and not acknowledge them, but I guess I just have to! Either that or hold up a sign saying 'I come in peace. I have enough friends !'😁

OP posts:

ichundich · 04/07/2023 22:41

I find it quite rude. It's not difficult to acknowledge someone without engaging in a conversation or becoming best buddies. I've lived in various places and have only ever encountered this in the UK, so I'm wondering if it's a cultural thing.

ChekhovsMum · 05/07/2023 03:12

A lot of young mums’ time just gets pulled left right and centre because women are expected to be friendly and make small talk with everyone at all times. It is a hangover from an era when SAHM’s probably did have a lot more time on their hands during those parts of the day, and it was advantageous to them to ‘network’ with other local mums. Perhaps for some it still is.

As a nearly-full-time teacher with a house that looks like a permanent crime scene, a garden to match, a two year old and another on the way who’s currently putting me to sleep at 9pm so that I can’t get on with any of my urgent ‘job homework’ let alone anything else, and a whole load of genuinely dear friends whom I can barely find the time to WhatsApp, I can guarantee that every time I catch the eye of another mum whose kids’ names I just about know as I hurry home from town, or at nursery pick-up… while I might make the small talk - hell, I will probably get my DS invited to a party which will chomp up an entire afternoon in two weekends’ time - inwardly I wish we’d narrowly missed each other instead. I have no room for any more people.

I’m sure you’re lovely OP, but this woman sounds like my hero.

Latenightreader · 05/07/2023 03:22

There is a parent in my child’s class who completely blanks my mother (who does the school run more than I do). She absolutely knows who my mother is (not least because her child always greats people enthusiastically), chats to other people, but won’t even look at Mum - physically turning her face away. It has been going on since autumn last year. We assume she feels she (or her child?) was insulted by my mother at some point, but can’t think of a thing it could be. She and I have had the odd conversation, and her husband is friendly to Mum, but we can’t think of a way to solve the mystery without an awkward conversation!

daisychain01 · 05/07/2023 04:25

There's probably a technique with waving that gives a message

One arm up, no wave, while walking purposefully in the direction you want to head, briefly acknowledges the person but expects nothing back from them

One hand waves briefly is a hello, I recognise you, and hope you'll wave back to acknowledge me,

Hand up manicly waving and big wide smile and a bit of eye contact is let's do lunch/have a play date/be friends on Facebook pretty-please.

I've responded to someone waving at me, only to realise they weren't waving to me at all, it was someone else behind me, cue embarrassed look and slink away quickly .

Anycrispsleft · 05/07/2023 05:40

Maybe she's just a cow?

I know face blindness is a thing and with a 45-50h a week job and twins just started high school I know what it is to be busy. I even started my own thread about trying to get off the school bake sale volunteer list. But when someone waves to you in the street it's no more effort to wave back than it is to ignore them.

I've baked my last cake | Mumsnet

I live in Germany (not by choice, DH got a job here after redundancy). I have two preteen girls and I work about 45 hours a week. Averagely busy. Like...

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4788861-ive-baked-my-last-cake

Plentiful · 05/07/2023 07:16

StephanieSuperpowers · 04/07/2023 19:48

These threads come up frequently. I'm always bemused by the huge psychodrama around someone who's an acquaintance at best not being all that friendly.

She's just living her life, not plotting anything.

This.

Breakingpoint1961 · 05/07/2023 07:23

It's rude end of..no excuses..school mums are the worst for this..unless it's their cliquey mates..

No excuse for non acknowledgement at all..

Original poster

Cosyfire · 05/07/2023 09:01

Yeah. I'm going with the explanation that there's this really weird conversation in her head that runs something like 'oh there's Mary. Mary is really friendly and always says hello to people. If I say anything to her, she'll want to talk to me, and then she might want to talk to me everyday, and I'm far too busy for that. I have places to go and people to meet, and things to do. I have no time for social norms and niceities. So, I'll just ignore her and her stupid 'hello'. I don't understand why she's always so nice to people.'

Its hilarious, considering I'm the one with the 9-5 job and 3 kids, and she's the SAHM with 2, but there you go.... people are so so weird.
If people like this were the only people left in the world, it would be one sorry place to have to live !

Thanks for all the replies.
And again thanks to poster who said I'm a pushover.... lesson learned.

OP posts:

mummybear2104 · 05/07/2023 11:34

Your definitely not alone on this I have exactly the same scenario myself. A school mum that I've been out with one on one for a drinks several times over and considered we were friends but depending on who is around will chose to act as if I'm not even there at times. In my mind she is insecure about herself and strives to portray a particular image and tries to fit in with certain types of people.

Ninjasan · 05/07/2023 11:40

I am not originally from UK (Eastern Europe) and I am shocked that face blidness is so common here :). It's just an excuse to ignore people but I am used to it now and gave up trying.

Softoprider · 05/07/2023 11:44

I think the school playground situation is a tricky one to negotiate, and you have to find these things out for yourself OP. I am so glad that particular part of my life is over.

At primary school one mum was very friendly with me. Our sons were good friends in the same class. We walked home together and stopped off at the playground in the park on the way home. Boys attended each other's birthday parties etc etc
I really liked her. We got on well. One day she blanked me. I genuinely thought she had not seen me. She never spoke to me again. I was left wondering what the heck I had done. In truth I had done nothing. It was a bit embarrassing because when we passed in the playground we both blanked each other and I was baffled as to why it had ended up like this !
Then about a year later she was in front of me in a queue, and she turned around and asked me a question. I told her very politely to fuck off (not those words)
Just rise above it OP. You will never work the crazy ones out !

CakeBeautifulCake · 05/07/2023 11:48

I've found some are only friendly while in amongst their clique but blank the 'associates/extras' any other time. Each to their own. Sometimes it's a 'hi' and smile, sometimes it's a smile, sometimes it's complete indifference to their existence. If I'm having a 'cba' day, I'll intentionally zone out as I don't have the mental energy if they want a conversation.
I do feel like we could all acknowledge eachother out of civility but in reality, everyone is just doing their own thing. So long as they're not causing harm, it doesn't really matter.

EvilElsa · 05/07/2023 11:49

I had one of these when the kids were at primary. One day she would say hi, casual chat etc. Would sit and talk at parties. The next day she wouldn't even look in my direction. I thought she probably had anxiety problems and just went with the flow. If she didn't say hi it wasn't a big deal, we weren't life long friends, just school gate acquaintances.

Lacoeur · 05/07/2023 11:52

Does she have eye sight problems? If I don’t have my glasses on there is a high chance I could blank someone I know if they didn’t come extremely close or shout me.

AbsoIutelyLovely · 05/07/2023 11:54

Doingtheboxerbeat · 04/07/2023 19:27

How embarrassing that I posted this twice 😭.

Don’t worry, everybody on this thread will
blank you now 😂

Failingjuggler · 05/07/2023 11:55

Because she is a rude twat most likely

Just don’t try anymore, all you can do

ChristmasFluff · 05/07/2023 11:55

She's rude, and it is nature's way of showing you who not to be friends with.

LadyJ2023 · 05/07/2023 12:04

Tbh there's loads of reasons.. I have autism and if im out of the family group I'm in my own little world at the shops, excursions etc and wouldn't the majority of the time even notice you and occasionally even if I did I can struggle to find something to say

Forestfriendlygarden · 05/07/2023 12:04

internalised misogyny?

There is a woman in our local who chats nineteen to the dozen with all the men, whether they are sitting alone, together, sober, drunk, in work, out of work...young old...

She doesn't like the women though and serves them with a face like sin...

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