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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

When is a happy marriage not a happy marriage?

36 replies

peanutbutterjellytime22 · 04/07/2023 18:02

I suppose what I'm saying is when do day to day annoyances become an 'unhappy marriage'.

Objectively I know my dh is a good, hardworking man with values that mostly align with mine. But there are elements of his personality that really really piss me off. He can be selfish, rude, grumpy, dull. He can talk down to me (I get called a nag a lot - sometimes I am but other times I feel like it's a sexist tactic to avoid doing or acknowledging what I ask). He doesnt communicate very effectively about certain things. And he leaves the lions share of childcare and life admin to me.

We are in the trenches with young dc, financial worries and work stress at the moment but more and more often I'm feeling like I have to get out for a walk to be away from him. We have had some very vicious rows in the past (im as guilty as him of this) and I do sometimes wonder if we're actually that compatible.

That said, I love him. The dc love him. And if he weren't here I know I'd miss the bones of him.

Would love to hear your thoughts on when a marriage becomes unhappy and doomed.

OP posts:
MichaelAndEagle · 04/07/2023 18:06

In my opinion its when resentment sets in. You need to be careful to address issues before then because I think resentment is the killer.

DrSbaitso · 04/07/2023 18:08

We are in the trenches with young dc, financial worries and work stress at the moment

Don't make any decisions at this stage. You're in a time that would test anyone so I think it's worth trying to communicate more about what the rows are about and his responsibility to do more at home. I'm not saying what way it will go, but unless you really are unendurably unhappy, I think it's worth looking into how you could get each other through this.

Do the children see the rows?

Zebedee55 · 04/07/2023 18:09

Marriage needs work. There are times when a spouse irritates you, but, unless there's a real problem, it needs taking and working through it.

DustyLee123 · 04/07/2023 18:10

Resentment is definitely the relationship killer.
And saying you’re nagging is a way of shutting you up and putting you down.
I would advise everyone to have an escape plan, just in case.

ReachForTheMars · 04/07/2023 18:11

Seems like a good point for counselling X

Pixiedust1234 · 04/07/2023 18:15

He can be selfish, rude, grumpy, dull. He can talk down to me (I get called a nag a lot - sometimes I am but other times I feel like it's a sexist tactic to avoid doing or acknowledging what I ask). He doesnt communicate very effectively about certain things. And he leaves the lions share of childcare and life admin to me.

That does not make a happy marriage. Ever.

If you want one that's not built on resentment and frustration he needs to change. Will he?

FedUpWithEverything123 · 04/07/2023 18:16

I think the current state you describe, if allowed to continue (or worsen), over time can (ie has the potential to) kill the love & sexual attraction. One day you might wake up and all the little things that piss you off, the arguments, etc will have built up to a point where the love/attraction evaporates. It may then be impossible to get it back. Act now OP - talk, get couples counselljng, have date nights etc.

Original poster
peanutbutterjellytime22 · 04/07/2023 18:20

We try to have date nights once in a while and I truly feel like a new woman afterwards haha. I think a lot of it is down to our current lifestyle. It's hard work and not as fun and carefree as once was. But I do worry certain elements of his personality are just him and he won't change.

Sadly the dc do overhear some of the rows (not screamy shouting rows just back and forth disagreements/bickering) and that does make me feel very ashamed hence why I now take the option of going for a walk instead.

The love is still there it's just buried under a lot of mundane life shit and some very irritating personality traits.

OP posts:
Mumtothreegirlies · 04/07/2023 18:22

If you haven’t got a mutually beneficial relationship.
for example if you both work full time but he doesn’t do 50% of home responsibilities.
I think marriages are harder these days where many women have to work too, in the past it was ok for a women to take care of everything at home and for the financial responsibilities to be all down to the man.
Some women will say this isn’t very empowering for women, but I would argue that it’s not very empowering for either party to have to split their lives between work and home or for a women to have to be pregnant and work and then give birth and then take care of baby and then go to work full Time. I think relationships and families would be so much happy and more successful if we went back to an era where we all had our delegated roles and women wouldn’t even see a bill or change a lightbulb and men would never have to come home and worry about what to cook his family after a hard days work.

Original poster
peanutbutterjellytime22 · 04/07/2023 18:32

Mumtothreegirlies · 04/07/2023 18:22

If you haven’t got a mutually beneficial relationship.
for example if you both work full time but he doesn’t do 50% of home responsibilities.
I think marriages are harder these days where many women have to work too, in the past it was ok for a women to take care of everything at home and for the financial responsibilities to be all down to the man.
Some women will say this isn’t very empowering for women, but I would argue that it’s not very empowering for either party to have to split their lives between work and home or for a women to have to be pregnant and work and then give birth and then take care of baby and then go to work full Time. I think relationships and families would be so much happy and more successful if we went back to an era where we all had our delegated roles and women wouldn’t even see a bill or change a lightbulb and men would never have to come home and worry about what to cook his family after a hard days work.

I fully agree with this and this is where a lot of our rows begin. He works more hours in a higher paid job than me but I still work a significant amount yet it's me who always needs to pre plan childcare or take the day off if the dc are unwell or whatever. If asked to do these things it's as though I'm asking for a favour when really it's his responsibility too.

OP posts:
DrSbaitso · 04/07/2023 18:36

I think relationships and families would be so much happy and more successful if we went back to an era where we all had our delegated roles and women wouldn’t even see a bill or change a lightbulb and men would never have to come home and worry about what to cook his family after a hard days work

What if you don't like your delegated role?

What if your husband abuses the fact that you know so little about the household finances that you never see a bill, or are so helpless you can't change a light bulb?

mainbrochus · 04/07/2023 18:42

When dc are young, then even the best DH can be guilty of leaving too much to their wives. But the dc get older and it evens itself back out.

have a look at what he does for the family, objectively. Can his higher salary pay for a cleaner, mindful chef dinners or extra activities for the kids?

can you drop stuff or lower your standards to his levels for a few years?

or is the talking down to you and being irritable alway going to be an issue?

Counselling might help. But it all depends on if he deep down thinks he is better than you.

DrSbaitso · 04/07/2023 18:44

I think this is your "Houston, we have a problem" moment, OP.

I'm not saying it must go in one direction or the other, but if you are both prepared to listen and work at it, I don't think it is definitely unsalvageable. If he's prepared to join you in joint counselling and engage properly, it is definitely worth seeing what changes that could make.

DustyLee123 · 04/07/2023 21:20

I remember when I went back to work PT and DH had a very important job 🙄, he told me that he’d never ring in sick if the kids were off school sick.
Luckily it was never a problem, but I still hold it against him now, and that’s where resentment starts.

Catsmere · 05/07/2023 04:04

Mumtothreegirlies · 04/07/2023 18:22

If you haven’t got a mutually beneficial relationship.
for example if you both work full time but he doesn’t do 50% of home responsibilities.
I think marriages are harder these days where many women have to work too, in the past it was ok for a women to take care of everything at home and for the financial responsibilities to be all down to the man.
Some women will say this isn’t very empowering for women, but I would argue that it’s not very empowering for either party to have to split their lives between work and home or for a women to have to be pregnant and work and then give birth and then take care of baby and then go to work full Time. I think relationships and families would be so much happy and more successful if we went back to an era where we all had our delegated roles and women wouldn’t even see a bill or change a lightbulb and men would never have to come home and worry about what to cook his family after a hard days work.

And just how are women supposed to survive divorce in such a situation? Your idea would force all women to be SAHMs and dependent on a man's income - itself almost impossible with the cost of living. Why not take away our right to vote while we're at it, let that go back to being a man's delegated role too!

Shoxfordian · 05/07/2023 05:54

I think when you’re not acting like a team or consistently supporting each other with things then it’s an issue. You both chose to have kids so they should be a joint project - and you both live in the house so you should both want to keep it nice. It doesn’t sound like your husband wants to play on the same team though; calling you a nag is sexist and insulting.

BestServedChilled · 05/07/2023 06:31

I think it can be salvaged. Go on the charm offensive - nothing is too much trouble when he asks and butter wouldn’t melt in your mouth etc! But then make sure jobs don’t get done and it’s always a very sweet “oh love I’ve been so busy with (x) I didn’t get time would you mind doing it?”

For example:
…reregister so HIS phone number fIRST point of contact on the school list
… every play date or party, reply via WhatsApp in a mini-group and add him. When you talk to other parents make sure you say he’s “so good at the 50:50 please do feel free just to go straight to him with the play date invites”
… no gift/card purchased for his parents’ birthday or Christmas - “oops too busy” and ask him to call in at a shop to buy bottle of champagne/flowers on the way
… no wine/beer/crisps/man toiletries purchased (“oops so busy I didn’t have time to write ie on the list! The list is on the counter so just add your bits & bobs another time.”)
…change the email address on your billing accounts for house and car insurance to his “so he has a better idea what things are costing now we have a COL crisis and can handle the decisions”

Also if you’re in charge of life admin, milk it!

hire a cleaner
use a travel agent to book vacation
have your car valeted on the driveway

and so on

he‘ll step in when the money starts running thru your fingers

Lateliein · 05/07/2023 06:47

Ahhh @Mumtothreegirlies we meet again. You were definitely born in the wrong century decade.

I am assuming you have zero education, life or practical skills yourself and bang the same drum to validate your dependence on a big, strong, lightbulb changing, bill paying man.

The rest of us would like to live in the 21st C with all the opportunities, decisions, avenues, skills, challenges and improvements that brings to our lives, rather than relying on and existing for the menz.

I hope your 3 girlies have at least one progressive and independent adult figure in their lives.

SchoolShenanigans · 05/07/2023 06:53

Pretty normal in my experience. Relationships are hard work when you have young kids.

I'd work on the communication, but I don't think your relationship is doomed, it's just a trough. All relationships have peaks and troughs

RichardsGear · 05/07/2023 07:00

Mumtothreegirlies · 04/07/2023 18:22

If you haven’t got a mutually beneficial relationship.
for example if you both work full time but he doesn’t do 50% of home responsibilities.
I think marriages are harder these days where many women have to work too, in the past it was ok for a women to take care of everything at home and for the financial responsibilities to be all down to the man.
Some women will say this isn’t very empowering for women, but I would argue that it’s not very empowering for either party to have to split their lives between work and home or for a women to have to be pregnant and work and then give birth and then take care of baby and then go to work full Time. I think relationships and families would be so much happy and more successful if we went back to an era where we all had our delegated roles and women wouldn’t even see a bill or change a lightbulb and men would never have to come home and worry about what to cook his family after a hard days work.

Ffs, I hope you're not filling your three 'girlies' heads full of that bollocks.

OP I agree with PP that this is the worst time when you're overwhelmed with young kids, work, house stuff and all the rest, and not the best time to be making huge changes. However, you could address the issues like calling you a nag etc, because things like that do chip away at the respect you feel for him and will fester.

manontroppo · 05/07/2023 07:16

I think the problem is when someone (usually the man) thinks that having a higher earning job absolves him of parenting responsibilities. It doesn’t.

Yes, there are times when the higher earning job needs to take priority, but it’s not an excuse to check out of day to day drudgery.

Thepeopleversuswork · 05/07/2023 08:05

I think relationships and families would be so much happy and more successful if we went back to an era where we all had our delegated roles and women wouldn’t even see a bill or change a lightbulb and men would never have to come home and worry about what to cook his family after a hard days work

If we had lived with that sort of setup I would have been wholly financially dependent on my ex husband when he had an alcohol fuelled mental breakdown and decided unilaterally to stop work.

So thanks all the same but I will keep the bills and the lightbulbs.

DustyLee123 · 05/07/2023 08:18

Just like @BestServedChilled says, I stopped doing his stuff for him.
I no longer send his side cards and presents, I no longer buy his toiletries and socks/pants, and I don’t buy his favourite chocolate/snacks.

MissTrip82 · 05/07/2023 08:26

Mumtothreegirlies · 04/07/2023 18:22

If you haven’t got a mutually beneficial relationship.
for example if you both work full time but he doesn’t do 50% of home responsibilities.
I think marriages are harder these days where many women have to work too, in the past it was ok for a women to take care of everything at home and for the financial responsibilities to be all down to the man.
Some women will say this isn’t very empowering for women, but I would argue that it’s not very empowering for either party to have to split their lives between work and home or for a women to have to be pregnant and work and then give birth and then take care of baby and then go to work full Time. I think relationships and families would be so much happy and more successful if we went back to an era where we all had our delegated roles and women wouldn’t even see a bill or change a lightbulb and men would never have to come home and worry about what to cook his family after a hard days work.

This is a fantasy you invented.

In my working class family and many others, this has never, ever been how it works. Never. For generations.

Arabels · 05/07/2023 08:33

Well my own marriage failed for lack of a forum-we couldn’t have it out because we had such different ways of handling conflict (I’m a shouter and exDH is a sulker). My own parents are still married and what I remember from my childhood is big, loud arguments and lots of affection. Nothing is perfect and as you say you’re in the trenches, but do you feel heard?