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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

When is a happy marriage not a happy marriage?

36 replies

peanutbutterjellytime22 · 04/07/2023 18:02

I suppose what I'm saying is when do day to day annoyances become an 'unhappy marriage'.

Objectively I know my dh is a good, hardworking man with values that mostly align with mine. But there are elements of his personality that really really piss me off. He can be selfish, rude, grumpy, dull. He can talk down to me (I get called a nag a lot - sometimes I am but other times I feel like it's a sexist tactic to avoid doing or acknowledging what I ask). He doesnt communicate very effectively about certain things. And he leaves the lions share of childcare and life admin to me.

We are in the trenches with young dc, financial worries and work stress at the moment but more and more often I'm feeling like I have to get out for a walk to be away from him. We have had some very vicious rows in the past (im as guilty as him of this) and I do sometimes wonder if we're actually that compatible.

That said, I love him. The dc love him. And if he weren't here I know I'd miss the bones of him.

Would love to hear your thoughts on when a marriage becomes unhappy and doomed.

OP posts:
Original poster
peanutbutterjellytime22 · 05/07/2023 09:31

Arabels · 05/07/2023 08:33

Well my own marriage failed for lack of a forum-we couldn’t have it out because we had such different ways of handling conflict (I’m a shouter and exDH is a sulker). My own parents are still married and what I remember from my childhood is big, loud arguments and lots of affection. Nothing is perfect and as you say you’re in the trenches, but do you feel heard?

To an extent yes. It's very hard because we have no other help so when I'm asking him to help come up with solutions for certain problems there isn't really an answer. The nag stuff gets to me a lot and I have told him this. I do feel like the default parent and have tried to explain to him that if I simply dropped dead he would be responsible for the dc. He isn't a babysitter he's a parent, the same as me.

I feel like I'm shouting into the void a lot but I do realise we are in a difficult time and things won't always be like this.

OP posts:
mainbrochus · 05/07/2023 10:49

BestServedChilled · 05/07/2023 06:31

I think it can be salvaged. Go on the charm offensive - nothing is too much trouble when he asks and butter wouldn’t melt in your mouth etc! But then make sure jobs don’t get done and it’s always a very sweet “oh love I’ve been so busy with (x) I didn’t get time would you mind doing it?”

For example:
…reregister so HIS phone number fIRST point of contact on the school list
… every play date or party, reply via WhatsApp in a mini-group and add him. When you talk to other parents make sure you say he’s “so good at the 50:50 please do feel free just to go straight to him with the play date invites”
… no gift/card purchased for his parents’ birthday or Christmas - “oops too busy” and ask him to call in at a shop to buy bottle of champagne/flowers on the way
… no wine/beer/crisps/man toiletries purchased (“oops so busy I didn’t have time to write ie on the list! The list is on the counter so just add your bits & bobs another time.”)
…change the email address on your billing accounts for house and car insurance to his “so he has a better idea what things are costing now we have a COL crisis and can handle the decisions”

Also if you’re in charge of life admin, milk it!

hire a cleaner
use a travel agent to book vacation
have your car valeted on the driveway

and so on

he‘ll step in when the money starts running thru your fingers

@peanutbutterjellytime22

This is great advice.

Plus book the holidays YOU want to go on.

I did all the playdate stuff coz I knew DH just wouldn't - fair enough, my choice.

The school email is a great one. Get your name and number off their list. Practise the blank look 'I didn't, did you?'.

Drop everything you can. If he won't do his share of pick ups find a teenager you can pay to do it.

PRIORITISE YOURSELF - NO ONE ELSE WILL

Catastrophejane · 05/07/2023 10:55

Mumtothreegirlies · 04/07/2023 18:22

If you haven’t got a mutually beneficial relationship.
for example if you both work full time but he doesn’t do 50% of home responsibilities.
I think marriages are harder these days where many women have to work too, in the past it was ok for a women to take care of everything at home and for the financial responsibilities to be all down to the man.
Some women will say this isn’t very empowering for women, but I would argue that it’s not very empowering for either party to have to split their lives between work and home or for a women to have to be pregnant and work and then give birth and then take care of baby and then go to work full Time. I think relationships and families would be so much happy and more successful if we went back to an era where we all had our delegated roles and women wouldn’t even see a bill or change a lightbulb and men would never have to come home and worry about what to cook his family after a hard days work.

I hear what your saying but if I’d left my ex H to pay for everything, we would have been homeless.

He was also financially abusive and I’d have been posting on here for recipes to make a chicken last a week while he was indulging in his expensive and niche hobbies.

Ameanstreakamilewide · 05/07/2023 13:28

MichaelAndEagle · 04/07/2023 18:06

In my opinion its when resentment sets in. You need to be careful to address issues before then because I think resentment is the killer.

Yep. It's corrosive.

Ownedbykitties · 06/01/2024 22:03

Are you for real?

Catsmere · 06/01/2024 22:08

@Ownedbykitties (love your username btw) this thread is six months old.

Ownedbykitties · 06/01/2024 22:10

Oh! Where does it tell me how old it is ? ( the username is true story😂).

Catsmere · 06/01/2024 22:26

If you look at the top of every post, there's a date and time next to the username - so, next to your latest is "Today 9:10."

PS there's a forum called The Litter Tray for all us cat servants, have you seen that?

OwlWeiwei · 06/01/2024 22:34

When DC are young you have to make a big effort to have fun as a couple and fun as a family ALL the TIME. Not just once every six months. You need fun at home - laugh together - watch good sitcoms, funny films and stand up comedians' sets, put on music every morning and evening that you both love that uplifts you, listen to silly radio comedy shows, share funny stories and interesting bits about the day, ask each other's opinion about the news, make plans you both look forward to.

Have fun outside the home - go to gigs and festivals, concerts, films, theatre shows etc together - climb mountains or do park runs or wild swim or cycle together.

Take DC on outings you also genuinely enjoy - to steam trains and fairgrounds or to the beach, to interesting interactive museums, good family films, on boat rides and to castles etc.

Imo, these things cement a good marriage and even if you are tired and grumpy and short of money, these things stop those from being the sole focus.

Ownedbykitties · 07/01/2024 05:41

Difficult to make a partner who doesn't want to join in those things, be part of those things. In fact it's impossible.

Ownedbykitties · 07/01/2024 05:47

Oh so there is! Embarrassing 🙈.
I will take a look at the Littertray.

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