Am I being Passive Aggressive... And what are your Passive Aggressive moments?

[LittleMissUnreasonable]

One of my friends is getting married and we were in the process of arranging a Hen Do in a big group on WhatsApp. Two locations were thrown around and no one was overly opinionated on where we went. I explained to the group that although both locations are far for me (I live in Bradford, they're in Birmingham), Cornwall would mean an extra long trip for me, so I prefer London.

One of the women then piped up and said actually she would like to do Cornwall, without acknowledging my request. Okay fine, I said I would drive myself there whilst they were all getting the train. Anyway, about a month later, all panic set with the rail strikes and how expensive their train tickets to Cornwall are going to be now and fair increases etc. I thought they were hankering for a lift and I've ignored it and let them sort themselves out. No one considered me and the distance I had to travel when the locations were being discussed. So why should I now consider them? They all drive by the way, they just don't want to drive to a "big unknown city".

Am I being unreasonably passive aggressive. Also has anyone else done the same?

I would not class that as PA.

I can’t see how you are being PA in this scenario.

Passive aggressive is it wouldn't really be that much bother for me to pick them upon the way but I'm just going to drive past and do the journey on my own, as no one considered my journey when locations were discussed.

Are you not shooting yourself in the foot re fuel costs? Surely if you gave some of them a lift it would save you quite a lot of money if you split the cost. Perhaps put a message on the group if anyone wants to share fuel costs and go with you (to avoid any CFs wanting a lift for free). The message in itself if a bit PA so win win if being PA is your aim.

That’s not pass agg, that is being uncooperative. Do you even like these women?

It’s also cutting your nose off to spite your face as if you gave lifts you could get them to pitch in for petrol.

And what about the bride to be?
@Hopskipandathrow

She doesn't know location as it's a suprise. The others aren't friends as I don't really know any of them. It's not exactly like I'm leaving them high and dry, they chose the location based on how easy it would be for them. So it's now their problem that there's some inconveniences, and they all drive as well so I'm not exactly going to pander to adult women who all have cars.

I can understand why you feel like you do after the disregarded your opinion.

However you literally have to drive past where they live. If they are genuinely your friends I'd offer a lift on the presumption they get themselves to a convenient service station /similar on your route at a time convenient to you so your already long journey isn't made even longer.

Not doing so will be cutting your nose off to spite your face, car sharing will be cheaper for you and be a more fun start to the weekend catching up with them on the way.

Or suggest you drive to theirs and then grab a lift with one of them? Although I'd prefer to drive myself so I could choose timings to suit me...

I’d say you’re just matching their energy tbh. Not PA. You didn’t insist they chipped in for a flight for you to Cornwall because they chose there and ignored your plea to go to London did you? Nope, you planned the journey based on their choice. I don’t see anything wrong in not offering lifts. They made their choice so it’s not a you problem, it’s a term problem. Cornwall from Bradford is a very long drive (I live in Halifax and travelled many times to Cornwall), and for a hen weekend?! I wouldn’t even contemplate it. Fly and hire a car 🫣😆

Re. The fuel comments, they've all booked their tickets on the same day they were moaning about the delays and prices, so even if I want to rope people in for fuel costs, it's too late now

Cross posted

If they're not friends and you'd rather travel alone then that's different...

Although if they actually asked rather than just hinted I'd probably agree for the reasons in my earlier post, it will be cheaper and a better start to the weekend...

@Hopskipandathrow
Wow are you okay? Some of those posts go back years ago and I believe the jogger one was when I hadn't long moved to England so didn't understand the uniform etiquette. What a strange thing to do? Maybe you need the therapy

@SuchiRolls haha thank you, you actually get it! 😊 Yeah I must be mad, flying would have probably been quicker from Leeds !

That’s not passive aggressive. PA behaviour is characterised by subtle, negative digs or not explicitly saying you are upset about something but voicing seemingly innocent comments that suggest that you are in fact angry.

You are just choosing not to offer help to a group of people who have offended you. You haven’t said anything to them about driving past where they live and going on your own.

It’s unlikely they deliberately chose a location to inconvenience you specifically. Any area they chose would have probably been tricky for someone in the group to get to. I’m not sure why you are taking this so personally?

Anyway, enjoy your drive to Cornwall in peace and quiet.

That’s definitely not an example of passive aggression.

But you are definitely not being unreasonable

To be honest, I'd not want to be stuck in a car with people I barely know from a hen weekend. I'd much rather want to get home when I wanted etc

You have started LOADS of threads about all the many and varied people that annoy the hell out of you!
@Hopskipandathrow

By 'loads of threads' you mean a handful of about 20 since 2017.... I would hardly define that as loads but if that makes you feel better then you go for it. As I said, I moved here from a foreign country so there's a lot of people's behaviour I was probably trying to get my head around in the earlier days due to misalignment of cultural norms.

I agree with you op, let them deal with their own issues! It's their fault you all have to go all that distance , the didn't consider you, so don't consider them

But no one has even mentioned it or asked for a lift, You are making a situation up in your own head. its strange.