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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mother in law

47 replies

Laurens96 · 04/07/2023 10:17

Hi ladies,
My partners come home from work last night his mom wants us to go UK to hers next Wednesday or Friday.
My partner and his family know I spend Tuesdays and Wednesdays with my grandad and Fridays and Sundays with my mom and dad. This has been my routine since before I even had my children (twins 3 years old and a 1 year old).
I've told him he knows I cant do those days but I'm free to go up on a Monday Thursday or Saturday. I even pointed Saturday he has his older 2 children (from his previous marriage).
His mom only sees us 3 or 4 times a year usually birthdays and Christmas. I've tried to arrange taking the children up weekly in the past and she's done a few weeks then cancelled every week after.
Shes always cancelling when we do arrange to take the kids up too but then later on we find out she's cancelled on us to go to my partners sisters.
My partners not happy I'm not willing to cancel on my family who I see consistently each week on the same days.
I pointed out to him his mom always cancels when we make plans so I don't feel it's fair to cancel on my family for his mom to then cancel on us anyway (which happens a lot). I also pointed out she always picks days she knows I won't be in and days she knows we won't have the older 2 as we only have them the weekends.
Am I being unreasonable for not wanting yo cancel on my family for his mom thats always cancels on us last minute anyway and instead asking her to do one of the 3 days I'm available.

OP posts:

britneyisfree · 04/07/2023 10:33

I thought you were being unreasonable at first but yeah, I wouldn't either.

Original poster

Laurens96 · 04/07/2023 10:40

The last time she asked us to go up was again a Friday knowing I go to my parents.
I cancelled on my parents as my partner caused a big argument saying his mom had finally spoke yo him and asked him to go for the first time since Christmas.
She lives around an hours drive away. 15 minutes into the journey she told us she wasn't going to be in anymore she was going to the pub. Which annoyed me as I'd cancelled on my parents to go there so don't really want to cancel on my family anymore as I see them every week and his mom always cancels.

OP posts:

UndercoverCop · 04/07/2023 10:42

Honestly you see your family 4 days a week every week, it won't hurt to skip a day for one week to see a family member you see a few times a year

britneyisfree · 04/07/2023 10:43

She sounds like a piss taker. Don't go

Hankunamatata · 04/07/2023 10:45

I can understand your frustration but I think I'd let dp take the lead and do the visit to his mum - more for dp sake

Original poster

Laurens96 · 04/07/2023 10:46

I wouldn't mind skipping a day to see her as we don't see her often but we never end up going anyway as she cancels normally at the last minute. Just before Christmas we actually got to her house before she told us she was going out instead so we ended up going straight back home not getting home till after 7pm as we'd gone when my partner finished work and we didn't actually see her anyway.

OP posts:

Mummysalwaysright · 04/07/2023 10:49

How far away are you travelling from OP? Sorry if I somehow didn't see it. If it's a rare trip to a different country, cancelling on a weekly routine you already have doesn't seem that bad, albeit a bit short notice?

phoenixrosehere · 04/07/2023 10:52

Laurens96 · 04/07/2023 10:40

Definitely nbu.

However, you have a DH problem with this. He knows his mother has form with this yet wants to still accommodate her.

That had to be disappointing for him and can’t imagine the stress of getting three young children prepped and into the car and having to turn back around because his mum has decided last minute to cancel for his sister.

What is the relationship like between him and his mum? Does his sister usually come first?

Original poster

Laurens96 · 04/07/2023 10:52

It's an hours drive there then an hours drive back home. So when we got there for her to already cancel we'd done 2 hours travel to just be sent straight back home.
I know its not exactly too far to travel but when we go in the week its after my partners finished work so we don't set off till just before 6pm.

OP posts:

Fairymother · 04/07/2023 10:54

UndercoverCop · 04/07/2023 10:42

Honestly you see your family 4 days a week every week, it won't hurt to skip a day for one week to see a family member you see a few times a year

This. YABU.

Original poster

Laurens96 · 04/07/2023 10:56

My partners 1 of 6 children but his oldest sister ( the oldest out the 6) does come first. If anyone had plans with his mom and his oldest sister asked her to do something she always goes no matter she'd originally planned with anyone.
Shes cancelled a a fair bit just to go to his sisters.
It was frustrating to be told she was going out after we'd got there as she'd said not to do any tea cuz she wanted to have tea ad a family with her. So the kids were all waiting for food to and it was nearly 7pm. We ended up having to grab some chips from the chippy so they could eat as soon as we were home.

OP posts:

Gustavo1 · 04/07/2023 10:58

Could you just have your parents on a maybe plan that day? Make plans to visit your in laws and if she cancels, you can pick up those plans again.
I get that it’s your routine but if you see your family that often, surely missing one date isn’t the end of the world.

Shoxfordian · 04/07/2023 11:04

Maybe he can go without you to see her? Your routine does seem a little rigid tbh but if it works generally for you both then it’s up to you

Original poster

Laurens96 · 04/07/2023 11:06

I've said in a previous comment I wouldn't mind missing a day with my family if we actually saw his mom. It's the fact I drop plans for her to cancel.
My parents both work so all the meal prep is done early Friday morning before my mom goes to work so she can't do ours on the off chance we go as it's an extra 5 person's food going to waste if its the odd occasion his mom doesn't cancel.
And the older 2 always ask why she never asks for a Saturday or Sunday too (again I wouldn't mind dropping Sunday at my parents if his mom actually sees us) as that's the only days we can have them.

OP posts:

38andtrying · 04/07/2023 11:08

I think YABU, you see your family every single week, this is one week, even if she does cancel go see your family then, i think it is poor form to show unwillingness for your husband/boyfriend and his family, even if she does cancel all the time you should still at least show willing, speak to your husband/boyfriend about how you feel about his mother cancelling all the time after you make plans, but make yourself available. It isn't a massive deal

Original poster

Laurens96 · 04/07/2023 11:10

When we first had the twins he told me to stick to how I had my week before they were born as he didnt see why it needed to change after having them.
My parents only live a 15 minute drive away too so I can go when they're back from work to see them and for tea and still have the kids back for bed at a reasonable time.
And my grandads is less then a 10 minute walk and I do help him with shopping and stuff he can't manage on his own when I go to see him.

OP posts:

SuchiRolls · 04/07/2023 11:12

Not being unreasonable given she almost always cancels plans. It’s not like she’s 10 mins away in the car either. Tell your partner he can go if he wants but you’re sick of your plans being cancelled last minute. You’ve given her enough chances to actually stick to her requested plans and if she keeps cancelling for piss poor reasons then it has to be on your terms. How many ‘chances’ does she need? This is why people end up being utterly taken the piss out of, because they don’t enforce boundaries.

Namechangedagain20 · 04/07/2023 11:14

I thought you were unread at first, until I read how many times shes cancelled. I would say to your partner that you aren’t prepared to cancel things for her anymore, you will go on other days and if she stops cancelling on you every time then you’ll be more flexible in future.

liveforsummer · 04/07/2023 11:14

Surely it doesn't need to be so formal with your own parents that you have to irreversibly cancel the visit. Just say you're maybe going to see mil because your partner hasn't seen her in ages but you know what she's like so you may end up coming over anyway. Tell them not to bother cooking if that's an issue. You can whip up a quick pasta if you do end up going or have something when you go home to save the leftover issue.

RandomMess · 04/07/2023 11:15

Invite her to yours so less impact when she cancels.

Arrange days put near where she lives, invite her along.

Keep a note of all the invite's she declines/cancels in case your DH gets argumentative about it.

YANBU

PrueRamsay · 04/07/2023 11:23

Your life sounds really regimented.

I would just agree to see MIL and if she cancels, just get a takeaway or something. I’m struggling to see the problem really.

If you really don’t want to see her, you can swerve it, but let DH take the DC to MILS.

Lefteyetwitch · 04/07/2023 11:26

Why do you need to go?
He goes and if he wants to take the kids he can and you see your family.

Original poster

Laurens96 · 04/07/2023 11:28

My partner doesn't have the children on his own as he says its too much hard work trying to sort the youngest and keep the twins occupied so that wouldn't be an option.

OP posts:

PeachesOnTheBeaches · 04/07/2023 11:30

Laurens96 · 04/07/2023 11:28

My partner doesn't have the children on his own as he says its too much hard work trying to sort the youngest and keep the twins occupied so that wouldn't be an option.

They’re his children too. He needs to grow a pair of balls. Why would you put up with this?

Definitelynotagoodidea · 04/07/2023 11:35

I’m assuming that your partner works full time Monday - Friday and you stay at home with the kids? Similar to my set up and I wouldn’t be entertaining a visit to see family an hour away on a weeknight. Does it not interfere with the kids bedtimes?

Sounds like you need take the lead on this, for your partners sake if nothing else, and just say it’s not going to be possible on weeknights but you are available on Saturday/Sunday on X date and see what she says. If she is prone to cancelling last minute I would arrange a fun day out in that area (the farm or the zoo) and just tell her we are going there at 10am (or whenever) if she wants to join. She does sound difficult but I would stop telling your partner it interferes with your families time because that understandably will get his back up.

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