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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mother in law

47 replies

Laurens96 · 04/07/2023 10:17

Hi ladies,
My partners come home from work last night his mom wants us to go UK to hers next Wednesday or Friday.
My partner and his family know I spend Tuesdays and Wednesdays with my grandad and Fridays and Sundays with my mom and dad. This has been my routine since before I even had my children (twins 3 years old and a 1 year old).
I've told him he knows I cant do those days but I'm free to go up on a Monday Thursday or Saturday. I even pointed Saturday he has his older 2 children (from his previous marriage).
His mom only sees us 3 or 4 times a year usually birthdays and Christmas. I've tried to arrange taking the children up weekly in the past and she's done a few weeks then cancelled every week after.
Shes always cancelling when we do arrange to take the kids up too but then later on we find out she's cancelled on us to go to my partners sisters.
My partners not happy I'm not willing to cancel on my family who I see consistently each week on the same days.
I pointed out to him his mom always cancels when we make plans so I don't feel it's fair to cancel on my family for his mom to then cancel on us anyway (which happens a lot). I also pointed out she always picks days she knows I won't be in and days she knows we won't have the older 2 as we only have them the weekends.
Am I being unreasonable for not wanting yo cancel on my family for his mom thats always cancels on us last minute anyway and instead asking her to do one of the 3 days I'm available.

OP posts:

Maddy70 · 04/07/2023 11:36

Why are you so rigid in your plans and why does your family take priority over his?

Veri bizarre

35965a · 04/07/2023 11:41

If she’s normally flaky I would not be changing any plans to see her, YANBU

WaltzingWaters · 04/07/2023 11:57

whilst it’s lovely you are so close with your family, the whole set days four times a week set aside to see them seems quite rigid and restrictive, does nothing else ever come up on those days?
But that aside, considering how often your MIL cancels I wouldn’t be bothering to go visit her anyway, I’d let her come to you.

And your DH needs to step up and start looking after his kids on his own sometimes!

Bargoed · 04/07/2023 12:01

He needs to put on his big boy pants and learn to look after his own children and see his mum on his own.

I personally don't think your routine is weird or rigid- I think it suits you and your children - you've show willing to prioritise his mother if needed she has priveb herself flaky and rude.

ModeWeasel · 04/07/2023 12:03

Why can’t he go without you?

phoenixrosehere · 04/07/2023 12:19

Is it really so difficult for posters to
read all of an OP’s posts on a two page thread?

MIL lives an hour away and has form for cancelling on them (while they’re en route) after plans were made to see her on weekdays. She also doesn’t try to see her son’s older two children who they have on the weekends and they have noticed this.

OP’s family lives 15 minutes away and don’t cancel on OP and grandchildren.

OP has cancelled with her family and doesn’t mind doing so so MIL can see their children but what is annoying her is MIL constantly cancelling on them and she is refusing to continue to go through this especially when they’re going after her DH gets off of work and they’re leaving just before 6 pm.

Original poster

Laurens96 · 04/07/2023 12:41

My partner won't go on his own as he said its hard with the 3 little ones as I've said on a previous comment.
And I said my partners 2 older children (2 boys aged 15 and 11) have asked why nan can't do a weekend especially as his mom doesn't work only his dad does.
I don't mind skipping a day with my family but as I said my family are consistent each week where as he mom always cancels which is what I don't see as fair to change plans given his moms inconsistency.
I don't prioritise my family I will change plans if its a case of we will see his family. His younger sister works full time and is a single parent and is only available on a Sunday every few months due to working mon-sat and doing things with her son on the Sundays shes off so we do go up on the Sundays she's available which I have no problems not seeing my parents that Sunday as his sister has never cancelled unless her sons ill.

OP posts:

PlanningTowns · 04/07/2023 13:41

Has your DH talked to his mother about her flakiness? I would be livid if I packed all the kids up on the promise of a catch up and dinner to get there just to turn round and drive an hour home.

Could she not visit you?

I think until she shows that she isn’t going to continuously cancel at the last minute (setting aside medical emergencies), I absolutely wouldn’t bother.

however this needs to be clearly communicated to her. If she gets in a huff, shrug your shoulders and say that you time is valuable to you, but clearly not to her.

YANBU.

ironorchids · 04/07/2023 13:47

The reason she cancels (to go to the pub) on you are insultingly disrespectful of your time, effort and feelings.

If someone cancelled on me after driving for an hour for a reason like that it would be the last time I drove there.

She should be the one coming to visit you to make up for her rude and flippant disregard for you and your partner and kids time.

Createausername1970 · 04/07/2023 14:08

I would suck it up this time, but I would be having a conversation with my husband that if she messes us about this time, then I am justified in refusing to go next time unless its at a mutually convenient time, not just a time that suits her.

I agree you do see your family a lot, so missing one weekly visit isn't really an issue, but her attitude towards you both is not great, so I wouldn't want to be cancelling to fit in if she cancelled again.

thecatsthecats · 04/07/2023 14:16

Does she drive?

If yes, I'd be inclined to agree on the proviso that she comes to you. Invite your family to yours too for that day, and if she can't be bothered or ditches last minute, then you still have a good standing plan, and your parents get hosted too.

Then ditto to plans out in her area, including the older two and your parents. DON'T mention that you are inviting your parents too - see how she reacts when they show up!

Then use the responses from the above to set the tone for the future.

Original poster

Laurens96 · 04/07/2023 14:58

Both of my in laws drive but both say its too much to drive to ours so rarely ever visit our home.
If events aren't happening close to her home she doesn't come either like my sons christening she never came cuz we had it at the local church right the corner and she said it was too far.
We've invited her on days out before near her home before and she's cancelled on those too.

OP posts:

PrueRamsay · 04/07/2023 15:39

Laurens96 · 04/07/2023 11:28

My partner doesn't have the children on his own as he says its too much hard work trying to sort the youngest and keep the twins occupied so that wouldn't be an option.

You do realise this is absolutely pathetic? Right?

💐

Curseofthenation · 04/07/2023 15:45

No, YANBU. She's disrespectful and I wouldn't cancel plans for someone that would cancel on me as I turned up at their door! She can work around you or bugger off. Why your DH is willing to pander to her after how she has let you down is beyond me!

Panteranoir · 04/07/2023 15:51

Classic DH problem I'm afraid.

Can't even parent his own kids and is happy to let the ILs take the piss out of his wife.

What's with all the negative comments about having your timetable regimented? I much prefer it. Not everyone is the same.

Maybe tell him this is the last chance, if she cancels this time it will be the last time. And read him the riot act about parenting his own children. Hes being pathetic.

towriteyoumustlive · 04/07/2023 15:54

YABU.

You're being really inflexible!

I appreciate she often cancels but on this occasion I'd agree to it. If she cancels again then make it clear that you are never going to be changing your plans again.

Whatthefuck3456 · 04/07/2023 16:01

Mother in laws just enjoy the drama they cause. Stand your ground.

Howyiz · 04/07/2023 16:07

Why can't your partner take all his kids to see his parents on a weekend.
The older kids could give a hand with the smallies?

And just in case you need to hear it - stop having kids with a fucking child that can't behave like a grown up and parent his own kids!

Anniegetyourgun · 04/07/2023 16:29

Whatthefuck3456 · 04/07/2023 16:01

Mother in laws just enjoy the drama they cause. Stand your ground.

Oi! NAMILALT!

ironorchids · 04/07/2023 19:38

Laurens96 · 04/07/2023 14:58

She cancels and refuses to go to things so much I'd say it's bordering on the pathological.

Don't make this your problem or you'll be suffering, pointlessly, because she clearly doesn't care, indefinitely. Do not play up to this abusive nonsense. This is an abusive way to treat your children's time, and her child is letting her get away with it.

No more.

Marmalady75 · 25/07/2023 23:20

Encourage your partner to take the kids to visit her by himself. You get an afternoon of peace and he can’t hold it against you for stopping him from seeing his mum.

Blobblobblob · 25/07/2023 23:39

If your partner wants to pander to this shit, tell him to crack on.

He can take the kids without you. "it's too hard" is utterly ridiculous.

You have good reason to not let your family down, especially your granddad who you help with shopping etc.

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