Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Made a poor, expensive decision and feel such an idiot

59 replies

Discowings · 03/07/2023 20:56

Just for context, I’m usually the most chilled out, in-control person ever. I run a successful business and have two happy kids that I’ve raised single-handedly.

I am going on holiday in the summer to visit some relatives and I have some clients near where my family live.

The plan was to go for the visit and for my kids to stay overnight with the family for 2 separate nights while I went for dinners with the clients. (I’m taking my kids away for the whole summer so they’ll have plenty of quality time with me).

A few days back I had a really disturbing message from someone who is very mentally unwell, threatening me and the kids and making horrendous accusations about me. He’s no actual danger to us (he lives overseas) but it shook me to the core and I’ve been filled with anxiety ever since.

It shook me up so much though, that after another sleepless night last night, I ended up calling for the babysitter we use at home (the kids LOVE her) and asking if she fancied flying out for a few days, so she can stay with the kids in the hotel while I go to the meetings. The thought of not being with the kids before they went to bed, or having them stay away from me overnight, was shaking me up so much after these messages. It cost me an absolute fortune to buy her flight and a hotel room, but was a huge weight off my shoulders.

I’ve just called my relatives to tell them about the change of plan(I didn’t say why, I just said it was easier for my meeting schedule, which is also true). They were really disgruntled as they’d been looking forward to having the kids for the sleepover and had organised their spare room in preparation.

Over the next few hours, I then heard from both clients that they may need to potentially cancel the meetings anyway.

Now I just feel worse. I’ve pissed off my family, spent a whole ton of money (non-refundable) on flying the babysitter out, and the bloody meetings might not even go ahead. I feel so embarrassed.

I am usually the epitome of calm and organised. It’s so unlike me to make such a rash decision. I was just so overwhelmed with anxiety after those messages that I needed to take some control of the situation.

I have to now go and tell my disgruntled relatives and my lovely babysitter and my kids that I’ve spent a ton of money and messed everyone around, and it was probably all for nothing because my meetings might be cancelled.

Not really sure what my AIBU is. I just feel so silly and overwhelmed and so angry with myself.

OP posts:
ginswinger · 03/07/2023 21:39

So you were threatened by someone unhunged and you took steps to protect yourself whilst single handedly raising a family and running a business and you think you're making poor decisions? You sound like an absolute superwoman. Don't you beat yourself up for one moment. Enjoy the summer and hope the babysitter has a great holiday out of it too

BringOnSummer2023 · 03/07/2023 21:43

I understand - you wanted the kids with you at the hotel - physically nearer than being with family, however lovely they are. There were reasons for your unrest and change to the plan and of course we don't always come up with perfect solutions to problems (and a deranged abuser definitely counts as a problem and like you I'd be hyper vigilant about that).

Be honest with everyone and see if you can change the plan back, you were acting out of vigilance and there's nothing inherently wrong with that.

Dougt · 03/07/2023 21:48

The most useful piece of advice I have ever read is “do nothing”. I can’t remember exactly what context it was originally used in, but it works in most situations where we feel compelled to act, to make the right decision (but where there isn’t an obvious deadline, or choice being asked if us… so we don’t need to do anything in a rush).

I’m all about the fixing, the planning, the doing but really if I just sat back, waited, let circumstances unfold I would save my self a lot of angst, time and money in the long run.

Ourladycheesusedatum · 03/07/2023 21:52

I wouldnt change things again now.

Just leave it as it is with babysitter coming. If nothing else you'll have brownie points for buying a flight for sitter and hotel room etc. Could stand you in good stead later. And if the moneys already gone, no refunds, then yeah, let it go now.
Keep plans as you now have them. It might just work out better.

Snowy2022 · 03/07/2023 21:57

OP- the threats are not irrational. I see you chose not to say but they seem to have come from the father of the kids. This matters whatever their mental state might be and wherever in the world they might be. Some people would have even cancelled the whole trip in reaction To it. Yours was to call a baby sitter.

On the other hand:
The most useful piece of advice I have ever read is “do nothing”. I can’t remember exactly what context it was originally used in, but it works in most situations where we feel compelled to act, to make the right decision (but where there isn’t an obvious deadline, or choice being asked if us… so we don’t need to do anything in a rush).

I did not read it anywhere, but my normal reaction is 'do nothing'. Yes, I am also a doer, but when things are so confused, taking myself from it for a bit really helps a lot in many situations. But it is my personality- being very cautious and thinking things through whilst taking a break from it every now and then. I love it especially when people want a raise from me and they get zero and can't understand why. I just leave it- and then once I am calmer and have removed emotions from it, make my move.

However, some people will always feel better taking matters in their hands.

ViburnumFarreri · 03/07/2023 22:02

If the business dinners get cancelled, take your family members out to a nice grown up restaurant instead, while the babysitter looks after the kids at their house. They can see the kids the rest of the time. And explain to them what happened.

Original poster
Discowings · 03/07/2023 22:05

ViburnumFarreri · 03/07/2023 22:02

If the business dinners get cancelled, take your family members out to a nice grown up restaurant instead, while the babysitter looks after the kids at their house. They can see the kids the rest of the time. And explain to them what happened.

I absolutely love this advice!! It’s made me feel a ton better. Thank you.

OP posts:
Quinoawoman · 03/07/2023 22:06

ginswinger · 03/07/2023 21:39

So you were threatened by someone unhunged and you took steps to protect yourself whilst single handedly raising a family and running a business and you think you're making poor decisions? You sound like an absolute superwoman. Don't you beat yourself up for one moment. Enjoy the summer and hope the babysitter has a great holiday out of it too

Yes - agree with this!

Tell your family the truth, as you have explained it here, and I'm sure they will understand.

Caroparo52 · 03/07/2023 22:12

You made the best decision you could at the time. Nothing wrong with that.
Move on.
Learn from your past actions.
No one is 100% perfect.
You did okay op.
Be kind to yourself

weirdoboelady · 03/07/2023 22:14

You've had some lovely advice on here, and some very wise words. I have just one thing to add - remember to be kind to yourself. You are beating yourself up and treating yourself (internally, in your thoughts) in a way you would never do to a friend. The advice to tell your family what's been going on is also wise - I suspect they are all very used to you being wonderfully in control and unemotional - you are allowed to be human, and to feel vulnerable and scared sometimes, like the rest of us.

ScribblingPixie · 03/07/2023 22:17

ViburnumFarreri's advice is fantastic. Have a lovely holiday, OP.

thisisasurvivor · 03/07/2023 22:20

ginswinger · 03/07/2023 21:39

So you were threatened by someone unhunged and you took steps to protect yourself whilst single handedly raising a family and running a business and you think you're making poor decisions? You sound like an absolute superwoman. Don't you beat yourself up for one moment. Enjoy the summer and hope the babysitter has a great holiday out of it too

Yessss

Go easy on yourself xxxxxx.

WhatWhereWho · 03/07/2023 22:23

Take it easy on yourself. Explain what happened, show them the messages perhaps and I am sure everyone will understand your discomfort.

SoWhatEh · 03/07/2023 22:24

You acted on a primal instinct to keep your children safe. That's never a bad move. Explain to the relatives. Explain to the babysitter. Try to get some money back if you can. Did you have travel insurance? Can you claw some back due to meetings being cancelled?

Just as important - this mad person is a danger to you in the sense that he is threatening and attacking your well being and your sanity already. Has anyone taken steps to warn him off and to let him know his actions are illegal? Don't brush them off. Male violence towards women and children is a serious offence. That includes verbal attacks and threats.

Highdaysandholidays1 · 03/07/2023 22:25

I can only imagine the state of terror you felt at that moment. Of course you then made these decisions to reassure yourself, and I think for the most part they are sensible, the children will be nearby you and they can still see family. I also think the meetings might not be cancelled so it may be you need that babysitter after all.

I agree with everyone, you rock, OP and stop beating yourself up. Many people would find it hard to step outside. I had a somewhat similar situation many years ago and kicked down a door to get away even though the 'threat' was probably small- it's an instinct thing and I think you've done just fine.

IamRoyFuckingKent · 03/07/2023 22:27

Tell your family the truth, they’ll understand
ditto babysitter
go anyway, enjoy it and see it asa win that you don’t have the meetings

IamRoyFuckingKent · 03/07/2023 22:28

I do this too - react, throw money at a problem and sometimes if I had just waited it would have been fine. Don’t beat yourself up, it’s fine.

IamRoyFuckingKent · 03/07/2023 22:31

Dougt · 03/07/2023 21:48

The most useful piece of advice I have ever read is “do nothing”. I can’t remember exactly what context it was originally used in, but it works in most situations where we feel compelled to act, to make the right decision (but where there isn’t an obvious deadline, or choice being asked if us… so we don’t need to do anything in a rush).

I’m all about the fixing, the planning, the doing but really if I just sat back, waited, let circumstances unfold I would save my self a lot of angst, time and money in the long run.

Me too!

Startyabastard · 03/07/2023 22:35

I can see how annoyed you must be!

Bournetilly · 03/07/2023 22:38

Don’t cancel now because the meetings might still go ahead. Tell your family what’s happened, they will understand and you were just doing what you thought was best. If the meetings are cancelled have some child free time with your family.
There’s no point thinking about the money now when it’s already spent and non refundable.

Sundayrain · 03/07/2023 22:38

It sounds like you made a perfectly sensible decision, and you don't need to feel silly or embarrassed, you're a grownup and shouldn't worry what anyone else thinks about the decisions you make for your family.

Begonne · 03/07/2023 22:38

Kindly, your emotions are still ping ponging erratically. While your reactions are understandable, they’re disproportionate. Especially beating yourself up so hard over this situation.

Do you have someone you can talk this through with in real life? I don’t know why speaking words out loud to another person makes such a difference but, for me, it’s always leads to a completely different understanding than when the thoughts are crashing about inside my head.

Hankunamatata · 03/07/2023 22:40

These things happen. See if you can transfer the flights and use them another time. Same with accomadation. Apologise to relatives and explain your used to handling everything yourself and not bothering other people that you didn't think

babyproblems · 03/07/2023 22:41

I’d message my clients and confirm the meeting or find another slot around the same time they could do, there’s a way you can make that workable! Tell them you’d like to confirm that date or xx date so you can book and buckle down the meetings. Then stick to your plans. You made choices based on your instinct; do what feels right to you. Don’t beat yourself up! Nothing is more important than your kids safety. Xx

Sundaefraise · 03/07/2023 22:41

You made the best decision you could with the information you had at the time. That’s all anyone can do. The reason it hasn’t worked out has nothing to do with you actually making a mistake.