Holiday on my due date

[Hah20]

I am due baby number 2, which will be via c section. Unless baby comes early I will be given a c section date at somepoint in my 39th week.
My mother was aware of this week window in which baby will be born and has booked a holiday with her partner abroad for this exact week
I am upset but not exactly surprised that she would prioritise a holiday with her partner over being here for the birth of her grandchild.just hoping for some opinions?

I’d be annoyed. I’ve asked my mum to basically block out a 3 week period (week 38-41) in case I give birth to DC2. She is looking after DC1 while I’m in labour. I gave birth at 38 weeks last time, hence the concern.

I would be angry and sad if she let me down on that front, so it’s slightly different but I can see why you’d want your mum around

I think the issue is that it feels like a holiday is more important to her than meeting her grandchild. Obviously, she could do that a week later, of course she could, but it’s the fact it throws in your face the fact that something fairly trivial that she could plan for absolutely anytime, is more important than her grandchild being born. I get it.

Not the same but my mum planned her wedding to her now husband and only told me a week before, so I couldn’t have travelled (we live a long haul flight from each other, no time off work and couldn’t have afforded it on such short notice). I was coming to visit her a month later. But she made sure to do it when she did so it wouldn’t be possible for me to attend. Honestly, I wouldn’t have really been crazy about attending (didn’t like her partner, no one does!), but it’s the message it sent about how much (or not) she valued me at a really milestone moment.

What is there to discuss?

I mentioned my section date once it was agreed with the consultant, the next day I got a message from mum that she had booked the time off to help.

Why would it need a discussion to fulfill a parents job imo in helping their child

My mum went on a month long trip to Hawaii and came back 2 days before I was induced.

As long as I had my DP I didn't care.

Wanted to her to go and enjoy herself.

So your mum can't go on holiday because you chose to have a child? Who will likely arrive before your mum goes away? Are we missing some vital details?

I am. I’m also quite good at advocating for myself. It was a bloody heatwave and I wanted to lope about in a vest and a pair of baggy shorts and watch shit telly while my wound healed with DH waiting on me and making me cold drinks rather than run around cleaning before visitors came in for a photo opportunity and then sat there for an hour drinking coffee, eating all my food and slagging off my siblings to me. We had a marvellous couple of weeks, sheer lazy bliss. Nice bonding time and I was well restored and recovered by the time he went back to work. Visitors were very much secondary to comfort. Not sorry at all.

You asked your mum to do nothing for 3 weeks so she could help you out? That's wild. Does she not work? 3 weeks is 75% of some people's annual leave allowance!!

Why do you think it’s an either or?

Gosh so many miserable Mary’s on here

You have absolutely hit the nail on the head.
I have had dozens of conversations with her about being worried about the care of DC1 while I am in hospital and post surgery and had hoped she would be around if we needed her. No formal arrangement had been made for care of DC1 as I don't yet know if my date will fall on one of her working days. I guess I am more worried about him rather than myself and new baby.
Like you say I don't want to demand her help, but had hoped it would be given freely.

Try and see the positives.. Now you know her priorities aren't you +dc she doesn't need to be in your top list either.. Not petty but she deserves the same consideration moving forward....
Nil..

I think you're being dramatic

Why? If one of my DD's was going in for surgery, then I'd want to be around, that's without throwing a new GC into the mix. I'd want to help the whole family moving from one child to two.

I would be hurt by this, but my mother would never do it and I couldn’t imagine doing it either. I assume you don’t have a close relationship?

Miserable? No. Independent and with boundaries? yes. Lots of us prefer to keep them at arms length. It’s nice to have your home to yourself and feel at ease. Neither mine or DH parents are particularly fun to be around, we tolerate them as necessary for Xmas and stuff but they’ve never babysat or been on holidays together or anything and we definitely aren’t close enough to want them around if we are unwell or the house is a tip or we have just had a baby. We like our peace and we’re a fantastic team so we don’t need them either.

Yes you’ve repeated that absolutely correctly.

No she doesn’t work, retired

How sad

See there’s nothing wrong with this. Normal in many cultures and probably for British people a couple of generations ago. Personally, having my mother in and out my house for 3 weeks would absolutely end in me or DD killing her it would literally be my worst nightmare 😂( not that she’d bother anyway). But if you’re lucky enough to have a nice mum then enjoy the help. I think it’s unusual these days though for granny’s to be so hands on and not so common due to cultural shifts and the fact that most people are working until quite late in life and then understandably try to squeeze as much ‘me time’ out of their short retirements as possible. Same with childcare, most grandparents just don’t now. So I’d say your setup is less common.

YANBU! We kept the diary pretty clear for two weeks either side of due dates when each of our DGC were due, just in case any help was needed. I can't imagine why your DM would book a holiday.

I think it’s a bit sad and isn’t something I would do.

We’re going to be grandparents for the first time just after Christmas. DDIL has said that we’re very welcome to come to see the baby as soon as it’s born. DH often goes away with work, but he’s keeping the two weeks either side of her due date free, so he can take annual leave at the drop of a hat and we can go to visit and offer any help and support they may need.

FULFIL A PARENTS JOB?! Jesus. So entitled 😂

Yeah but you might be in for days

If you had those conversations you should have been clearer if you needed her help.

You sound a charmer

Makes a change to read a post where the GP is actually wanted post-birth rather than shoved away and told to wait for 2 weeks/months/whatever, as we usually end up reading on MN.

There is plenty to discuss! When would you like her to visit you and the new baby? What help might you want or need? And when?

You say “parents job in helping their child” like we are handed a big instruction manual that tells us do this and do that with set things like “meet new grandchild no later than 4hrs after birth” “visit home no later than the following day”. There isn’t as you know because we are all different.

And when your children are adults, it is even more important to communicate and discuss with them what they want instead of assuming you are wanted and imposing yourself. You really need to take responsibility for your own needs here.

Have you seen how many threads there are of women complaining about their mother coming to help before, during and after the birth of their DC?

The only commonality between you and these women is you all aren’t discussing what you want/need with your mothers (or other relatives). You’re expecting them to just “know” what you want and somehow knowing without being told is proof of love or interest. That’s an unfair expectation to have of anyone.