To want my friends to take their cheating husbands to the cleaners?

[BagelandEggs]

I have two friends who have recently been betrayed by their husbands, blindsided by the affairs and both of them are so devastated and numbed by the whole thing that they seem unable to do anything to protect themselves. I have said they need to see a lawyer and get their finances sorted as their husbands seem quite happy to let things drift along for obvious reasons. I can't help thinking it plays into the husband's hands as the kids get older and they may not have to support them so much and then things change about the house situation, so they're not keen to get the legal ball rolling. Does anyone have advice on what they could do please? Thanks.

Quite a few marriages survive affairs and only the couples themselves can judge this.
Getting a bit of ( free) legal advice isn't a bad thing. Will prepare your friends if next stage action is needed. Also gives time to start gathering financial information should the taking to the cleaners be way to go.

It really doesn't work like that. Very few devices end to with one or other being "taken to the cleaners".

The law doesn't the on the grounds of cheating I'm afraid. It is silent on that

YABU. If you friends don't want to separate thats on them, "taking them to the cleaners" as some sort of revenge is petty and ridiculous. Marriages fail all the time, people are shitty in many ways beyond cheating. He will be obligated to provided financially for his children, I don't think a divorce settlement should be revenge or punishment for cheating.

Do they want advice? There is no such thing as being taken to cleaners for having an affair it doesn't work that way

Divorce settlements are not compensation for being cheated on. They're supposed to be a fair division of assets.

You're right that they need to get legal advice and protect themselves and to get as much financial clarity as they can.

But the law takes no account of cheating when apportioning resources in a marriage split. It is literally irrelevant in the eyes of the law.

If these women are married, have been married for a long time and have children with their husbands they will be taken care of if they divorce (as long as the husbands aren't hiding assets off balance sheet etc). All the more reason to have a good lawyer.

But don't lead them up the garden path thinking they are "entitled" to more money because their husbands have cheated. It doesn't work like that.

This, obviously

So if a woman cheats, then her husband should take her to the cleaners?

Your friends need to make their own informed decisions about what they want to do, not fall into a neat line fuelled by your self-righteous anger. Telling them what to do is not helpful or supportive.

It's really none of your business. Just try to support your friends, whatever they decide, it needs to be their choice, not yours.

I always hate the cry of 'take men to the cleaners'. It makes women sound money grabbing and entitled. It's about a fair division, not compensation for having an affair for example.

They won't be awarded extra because their husbands cheated. That's not how divorce works. They shoudl seek legal advice, but really you need to stay out of it.

It takes time to go from devastated to furious.

It's a good idea to get legal advice but as the others say, divorce is no-fault. If one spouse cheats or becomes an addict or something, there's no financial repercussions for that behaviour. The amount would be the same as if they'd mutually agreed to split.

Pressuring them either way could back fire on you. So if they get back together with their cheating spouse then you are likely to experience the friendship dwindling because you don't approve of the husband. Pressure could also lead them to blaming you during the tough times and there will be plenty of that. Feelings will be up and down and it will take time for your friends to feel stable enough to come up with a rational response.

Nobody else's business. Maybe the friends would like to forgive their husbands and save their marriages - forgiveness is a much underrated virtue.

That would be different, clearly if she cheated it would still be her husband's fault so she should still take him to the cleaners.

It’s worth remembering that most people end up financially worse off after a divorce

They're not going to get more money for being cheated on. Divorce settlements aren't punitive.

I expect they need time to think and decide what to do. They may decide to split, they may decide to stay and work through it. They need to do what's right for them, not what you want them to do.

Thank you for your responses - I am very angry on behalf of my friends as there are obviously details I can't share that make it infuriating that the blokes are continuing their lives seemingly with no consequences. I accept that all I can do it support and it's up to them to make their own decisions and that things can change. Just seems so unfair on them struggling and trying to hold it all together right now.

Take them to the cleaners = take their assets in the divorce proceedings?

Look at it this way- your friends are divesting them selves of some serious deadweight

A one off fumble/ possible bonk I forgave . It took 30 years after it happened for my hb to tell me and he only admitted it after the o/ w died . It just confirmed what my gut had been telling me for years . In fact it was a relief . Trust you gut feeling it's right .

Being angry on someone’s else’s behalf is a waste of emotional energy, you only know what they’ve told you, and your anger doesn’t help.

What an odd comment.

Yeah, be a doormat and a fool, stay with a cheater.
What an underrated virtue right there.
🙄

Not an odd comment. I am no doormat nor a fool. I am working my way through reconciling with my husband after he cheated. Things are rarely black and white like that. While there is no excuse for stepping outside the marriage, I can very clearly see the part I played in him making that decision.

I have no desire to 'take him to the cleaners' . Quite the opposite. If he wants out, he can own the entire process. I know what I would take from him and would be extremely comfortable financially. Deciding I want to stay married, to work through our differences is actually the harder option.

But I know that isn't a popular view around here.

Believe me - I get the anger. But it isn't your anger to have. It's theirs. And they must decide that for themselves. When my first husband cheated with my best friend it was utterly tragic that I ended up with the house and the bank account - but they were entirely mine from the outset, and he had contributed literally nothing (and I could prove that). And regrettably all his possessions fell in the garden burner, shortly after I found out and shortly before I called the divorce lawyer and the locksmith. But that was down to me to decide. You need to support them to make a decision for themselves no matter how tempting it is to make your own views known - as someone else said, you could lose your friends over this, and that would be a win for the husbands. People can and do get past cheating. Others can't and don't. But it's for them to decide what is best for them.

You seem over invested and bitter

who’s done what isn’t relevant when it comes to dividing up assets

all your going to do is whip them up into a frenzy and lead to a massive disappointment