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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Tell parents they are making me really unhappy

26 replies

Nottodaythanku · 03/07/2023 10:58

Ok so today I sat down and wrote my mum an email telling her how I feel.
im early 40s my mum and dad are 65/70
my mum is unhappily married has been for as long as I can remember.
childhood was ok, my dad was very strict, my mum used to lie to him so I could go out with friends ect.
I’ve always been my mums sounding board but as I’ve got older I’ve definitely become less tolerant of it, she moans about her life… my dad… her work… her sisters.
my dad is a miserable man.
now the email I have written is quite hard hitting so before I send it I wanted a hand hold.
live tried talking to them both
ive tried telling my mum it makes me uncomfortable hearing about the rows
i have suggested counselling
i have suggested clubs
ive suggested they split up (financially they could)
my mum is mentioned more because my dad is miserable but doesn’t moan at me.
she calls me every day and I can’t take anymore. They make me sad and unhappy.
its now at the point where she does it in a way that she’s saying it in a cheerful tone so I can’t say she’s moaning.

she will not take this well…..I will get a lot of “ I have no one else” which makes me feel like crap but my mental health is at breaking point.
help!

OP posts:
Original poster
Nottodaythanku · 03/07/2023 11:00

I should say I haven’t sent the mail yet

OP posts:
Babsexxx · 03/07/2023 11:01

This is exactly why not one person should stay for the kids! So sorry op, I would say to her I have given you my best advice mum and this has pulled me down for years it’s affected me terribly I’m your daughter and he is my dad please vent elsewhere to a friend instead.

mrssilky · 03/07/2023 11:05

Please don't send the email. send it to yourself. otherwise you'll end upbfeeling guilty on top of everything else. the email won't change your parent's behaviour anyway.

You're not responsible for your mother's happiness and you can extricate yourself from being constantly involved.

You've made suggestions, there is no more you can do apart from be less available.

Original poster
Nottodaythanku · 03/07/2023 11:07

@mrssilky ive tried that too, I then get guilt tripped that she has spoken to anyone for days

OP posts:
Caradonna · 03/07/2023 11:11

Why do you see so much of them. My adult DCs phone maybe once a week, We send pics on watsapp, we have the occasional moan. They are busy people.
Can't you move away? You are an adult - they aren't decrepit (and won't be for possiby 15 years) keep away.

Original poster
Nottodaythanku · 03/07/2023 11:13

@Caradonna I actually only see them every couple of weeks, but the phone calls are everyday, if I don’t ask see she keeps trying. Then when she does get hood of me says things like “thought you’d forgot me”

OP posts:
BishyBarnyBee · 03/07/2023 11:15

I don't think the email will help at all, but I think it has probably been good for you to write it.

Have you had counselling about this? It feels like you need to draw some clear boundaries and think about what you want from this.

You could look at grey rock technique where you just use minimal responses to not get drawn into the drama.

You could work out a response where you listen for 5 minutes then summarise what she's said and end the call or change the subject.

You could have a broken record technique where you say "mum, you seem very unhappy with dad/your sisters/work. What could you do to change things?"

You could accept that this is her, decide how long you are prepared to listen and find someone else to offload about her.

But really you need to find a counsellor to explore your responses.

annonymousse · 03/07/2023 11:18

I had this as a teenager. When I was 17 my sister was killed in a car crash and mum and dad became two separate very unhappy entities. I became the adult of the family. Mum used to moan about dad but said she couldn't leave and dad used to moan that mum didn't understand him and sought reassurance from me about decisions he'd made. The pressure I felt was immense. Eventually one day I just broke. I told mum if she was that unhappy then go. Other women have managed and basically put up or shut up. And dad instead of making soothing noises I told him what I really thought. They still did it a bit but it did lessen. And if they did start I would just stop them and tell them I didn't want to hear it.

Bluebells1970 · 03/07/2023 11:19

I wouldn't send it.

It won't change anything, it will only cause friction and resentment. If your Mum was that unhappy, she'd have done something about it. Instead, she prefers to be miserable.

You can't change the past, only your reaction to it. I think that talking it through with a specialist family counsellor help you more? And going forwards, cut off all conversation about it and change the conversation - in a way, you're enabling her misery. You need to find a way to have a relationship with them on a really superficial level that doesn't upset you. I've had to do the same with my own Mum, and it's so much better - I wish I'd done it years ago.

Batalax · 03/07/2023 11:21

I think it’s ok to send it if it’s kindly worded and concentrates on your mental health rather than directly criticising her.

Something like,

“I’m going to have to stop hearing all your problems because my mental health can’t take it. I know you need it but you are going to have to find another sounding board or I will go under. I’m struggling with life in general and your problems are just the straw that breaks the camels back. Sorry mum but if you don’t stop, I’ll just have to stop taking the phone calls. I’ve got to look after myself. Obviously I don’t want to as I love you enormously, but I just can’t hack it. I’m really struggling. Please look at other ways to help yourself. I can’t get involved any more.”

Original poster
Nottodaythanku · 03/07/2023 11:25

if I choose not to send the email how do I stop the daily phone calls with out the guilt trips?

OP posts:
Bunce1 · 03/07/2023 11:28

You need to put up a proper boundary and not be scared to enforce it. It will be so hard to do initially but that is inevitable, but you must!

"Mum, I cannot keep hearing about this, it is too much for me to bear for my own MH and wellbeing. You should consider therapy for yourself."

Lottapianos · 03/07/2023 11:30

OP, I really feel for you. I have had a very similar situation with my parents. It's absolutely suffocating and soul destroying

I agree with others about not sending the email. Great idea to write it as a way of articulating how you feel, and you may want to go back and re-read and add more in over time

But to be brutally honest, what do you want the outcome to be if you were to send it to them? And how likely is it that you would get it? Your parents sound absolutely self absorbed and like they don't see you as a separate person with a separate life of your own. I understand the impulse to shake them and wake then up and get them to really see you, but that just may not be possible

I had to step way back from my parents, for my own sanity, and I'm very low contact with them now. It's not easy, but you really do need to protect yourself with parents like these. I realised years ago that I had to choose between my own happiness or my mother's happiness - I couldn't have both. It shouldn't be like that, but it just is. I chose myself, and have never regretted that for a second

EscapeRoomToTheSun · 03/07/2023 11:30

Stop answering!

"mum, I'm overwhelmed with daily phonecalls. I will call you on a sunday night but otherwise I will not answer"

Complains about it

"mum, I'm overwhelmed with daily phonecalls. This is all I can offer you. If you keep complaining I'm going to hang up"

And rhen refuse to discuss it further.

"mum, I've told you my boundaries, if you keep on about it I'm going to hang up"

And then hang up. Don't answer. It's up to you when you speak to her. It's not her you need to persuade of that, it's yourself.

Lacucuracha · 03/07/2023 11:31

You need to stop answering the phones.

Give her a fixed time you will call her once a week (a time convenient for you).

Then you call her at that time every week.

Don't answer the phone at other times. She will text you if an emergency.

hattie43 · 03/07/2023 11:31

I feel your pain OP . I have had 50 yrs of my mums poor choices surrounding men in particular. She is now with another husband who makes her miserable but despite chewing my ear everyday she resolutely refuses to do anything about it .

hattie43 · 03/07/2023 11:33

Nottodaythanku · 03/07/2023 11:25

if I choose not to send the email how do I stop the daily phone calls with out the guilt trips?

Don't answer the phone . She has to learn you are busy and not able to take a daily call .

Temporaryname158 · 03/07/2023 11:37

“I thought you’d forgotten about me”

No mum. I was at work and looking after the kids (insert whatever you do in life) I’m not free to take a call every day.

Whataretheodds · 03/07/2023 11:39

"Mum I am happy to speak to you regularly but it I am not OK with hearing a bitching session about your relationship with Dad. I can understand you may want to talk to someone about it, but it cannot be me. I've suggested counselling. If you keep bringing it up with me I will end the phone call"

If she says "but I have noone else to talk to" then I'd reply "your refusal to find someone appropriate to talk to about this isn't a good enough reason for you to keep walking over my mental health like this".

FatGirlSwim · 03/07/2023 11:40

I read something about boundaries that’s stuck with me - that boundaries aren’t about changing what the other person does but about staying what you will do in response to certain behaviours. Such as, ‘if you start to offload about your marriage I will hang up the phone’ / ‘I’m available to chat on Tuesdays and Saturdays, if you call on other days i won’t answer’

we can’t change what other people do, only how we respond to it.

Caradonna · 03/07/2023 11:41

Well, she won't change as long as she can complain to you.
I think you have to take a step back.
Perhaps warn her that you are becoming depressed with her daily calls.
If she still keeps them up tell her you will only answer once on a Saturday (or whatever) . In a way you are not helping her sort her life out. It can't be good for her to wallow in misery daily.
YOU can't change her life, only she can change her life.
Nothing stopping her joining the local exercise class, church, WI, etc etc etc etc

Rainbowshine · 03/07/2023 11:41

You need to make a commitment to yourself, that:

You won’t answer her calls immediately

Send her a text “I’m busy at the moment”

Do not justify, explain, defend etc. Your time and energy is yours and you don’t owe her any of it

Call her once a week at a time that suits you. At the start, say “I only have 15 minutes mum, I’ve got a lot to do today”

Have something to do while she’s talking, a puzzle, or doodle, to help not get embroiled in the conversation

Just let her talk, and imagine the words washing away from you, imagine you have an invisible shield around you so the words can’t touch you. Don’t reply apart from bland “oh” “mm” type noises

Your Mum’s issues are not yours to solve, you need to give yourself some boundaries around how much you invest in hearing them or in how she deals with them.

MumblesParty · 03/07/2023 11:51

OP, I would send the email.

For some reason the MN rule seems to be to ignore people, block people, avoid people - but never to explain why. It makes no sense to me.

I think an email is a good idea. You make your points in black and white, they can be read and re-read at any time. And reflected on. Rather than conversations which can be defensive and stressful.

Thankgoodnessforabitofsun · 03/07/2023 12:01

OP if you do send the email I would top and tail it with reminding her that you love her very much

Natty13 · 03/07/2023 12:13

I strongly encourage therapy with the intention to be more confident setting boundaries and dealing with the obligation and guilt surrounding that (therapy works best when you have a specific goal)

Tell your mother you aren't available for daily phonecalls because you will be in therapy one night and your therapist has advised you to switch off from electronics of an evening to help you reflect and process your sessions. Two birds, one stone.