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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my 12yo to do these 'chores'

31 replies

mysparkleismissing · 02/07/2023 22:54

For context he thinks I'm being too strict and it's too much

  • he keeps his room tidy(ish)
  • puts his washing in the laundry basket pretty much outside his door
  • flushes the toilet
  • tidies after himself (takes his bowl/rubbish in from the sofa)
  • empties the dishwasher every few days
  • does his homework
  • doesn't
3 spend the entire day on a screen
  • goes to bed at a reasonable hour (generally by 9) if not tired then read/draw/colour
  • no screen before 7am
OP posts:
FedUp847 · 02/07/2023 22:56

That just sounds like reasonable expectations. Hardly ‘chores’, it’s just picking up after yourself.

user1477249785 · 02/07/2023 22:57

That's not a chore list. It's a reasonable set of rules. For context, my 12 year old:

  • cleans their room, up after themself in kitchen/bathroom:/clothes etc
  • empties dishwasher daily
  • empties bin whenever needed and takes them out weekly
  • does the recycling and food compost
  • walks the dog
  • gets up with the dog one day every weekend.
Lucyccfc68 · 02/07/2023 23:00

They are not chores. They are just things he should be doing.

My lad had chores at that age, which were:

Empty and fill the dishwasher every day
Set the table for dinner and clear after
Prep veg for dinner
Do the dark washing on a Friday, including hanging the clothes on the line
Emptying all the small bins in the house in the main one outside

My son didn’t just keep his room tidyish - he hoovers, dusts it and changed his bedding once a week.

RainbowZebraWarrior · 02/07/2023 23:00

Other than emptying the dishwasher, absolutely none of those things are 'chores' They are basic expectations for a 12 year old.

Flushing the toilet shouldn't even be worthy of a mention.

My DD is 11 and does all of those things without question and also helps me make dinner, brings the online shopping in, feeds the cat and occasionally cleans the bathroom.

Original poster
mysparkleismissing · 02/07/2023 23:00

FedUp847 · 02/07/2023 22:56

That just sounds like reasonable expectations. Hardly ‘chores’, it’s just picking up after yourself.

My thought too. Thank you

OP posts:
Curseofthenation · 02/07/2023 23:01

Jeez. Your DS has it good! I was doing a lot more at 12, and I expect my toddler DS to be doing something more along the lines of what @user1477249785 suggests as a middle ground by the time he is 12.

Original poster
mysparkleismissing · 02/07/2023 23:01

user1477249785 · 02/07/2023 22:57

That's not a chore list. It's a reasonable set of rules. For context, my 12 year old:

  • cleans their room, up after themself in kitchen/bathroom:/clothes etc
  • empties dishwasher daily
  • empties bin whenever needed and takes them out weekly
  • does the recycling and food compost
  • walks the dog
  • gets up with the dog one day every weekend.

That's a much more reasonable list! And I've got mine in tears that I'm too strict and he wants to live with daddy.
Thanks for the reply and reassuring me

OP posts:
Original poster
mysparkleismissing · 02/07/2023 23:03

Lucyccfc68 · 02/07/2023 23:00

They are not chores. They are just things he should be doing.

My lad had chores at that age, which were:

Empty and fill the dishwasher every day
Set the table for dinner and clear after
Prep veg for dinner
Do the dark washing on a Friday, including hanging the clothes on the line
Emptying all the small bins in the house in the main one outside

My son didn’t just keep his room tidyish - he hoovers, dusts it and changed his bedding once a week.

My thoughts exactly. I was ironing and cooking at his age. He does help with dinner and I do ask him to do other bits too but the fallout we've had today I just needed opinions of other parents. Thank you

OP posts:
Saschka · 02/07/2023 23:04

My six year old does all of that! Except the dishwasher, because we don’t have one. He helps me cook though.

Original poster
mysparkleismissing · 02/07/2023 23:04

RainbowZebraWarrior · 02/07/2023 23:00

Other than emptying the dishwasher, absolutely none of those things are 'chores' They are basic expectations for a 12 year old.

Flushing the toilet shouldn't even be worthy of a mention.

My DD is 11 and does all of those things without question and also helps me make dinner, brings the online shopping in, feeds the cat and occasionally cleans the bathroom.

I agree re flushing the toilet, it became a real issue. Pure laziness.

OP posts:
LizzieSiddal · 02/07/2023 23:05

Your list is just basic life skills that a good parent makes sure their child can do.

Plus if he isn’t doing those things he’s expecting someone else to do them. That is just lazy.

Original poster
mysparkleismissing · 02/07/2023 23:05

Curseofthenation · 02/07/2023 23:01

Jeez. Your DS has it good! I was doing a lot more at 12, and I expect my toddler DS to be doing something more along the lines of what @user1477249785 suggests as a middle ground by the time he is 12.

I'm not quite sure where I've gone wrong.

OP posts:
LittleOwl153 · 02/07/2023 23:06

The fact that you needed to put "flush the toilet" on there says it all really.

My now 13 Yr old cooks once a week... my 9r old does most of your list!

Saschka · 02/07/2023 23:06

I can’t believe he is debating about whether he should have to flush the toilet all by himself when he is 12. Does he want you to wipe his bum for him as well? Confused

RocketIceLollie · 02/07/2023 23:08

I think he is getting away quite lightly with that list to be honest. Does he get pocket money? I'd be tempted to ask for a bit more help especially if he's moaning about just doing those things on the list.

Original poster
mysparkleismissing · 02/07/2023 23:09

Saschka · 02/07/2023 23:06

I can’t believe he is debating about whether he should have to flush the toilet all by himself when he is 12. Does he want you to wipe his bum for him as well? Confused

No thank goodness
It's not a real chore as such just a reminder tbf the only real chore job there is the dishwasher

Yet I'm still TOO STRICT

OP posts:
Original poster
mysparkleismissing · 02/07/2023 23:10

He does cook a couple of times a month I'd say. He often sorts his own dinner out and Will put things in th3 oven for him and his step dad if I'm working late

OP posts:
RocketIceLollie · 02/07/2023 23:13

The no flushing toilet thing reminds me of my brother when I was growing up. Eventually mum got so annoyed she frogmarched him to the loo and gave him some rubber gloves and bleach and made him clean the toilet. I'm pretty sure his no toilet flushing stopped swiftly after that.

NuffSaidSam · 02/07/2023 23:13

If anything it's too light a list.

The only thing I think is a bit harsh is the 9pm bedtime. I think that's really early for a 12 year old....and then colouring in if he's not tired?!

It seems like you treat him like he's a lot younger than he is. Are there any areas where he wants more freedom/responsibility? You could use those to bargain on the house stuff. He needs to take more responsibility (flushing the toilet!!), but maybe along with that he needs a bit more freedom.

StrawberrySquash · 02/07/2023 23:13

I think you need to have a talk about how running a home is work and it quickly degenerates into chaos if you aren't regularly keeping on top of basic day to day stuff. And all members of the household have to do this. Obviously when he was tiny you did a whole load of things he couldn't do, but at 12 he's quite capable. He's 2/3 of the way to university!

Original poster
mysparkleismissing · 02/07/2023 23:15

RocketIceLollie · 02/07/2023 23:13

The no flushing toilet thing reminds me of my brother when I was growing up. Eventually mum got so annoyed she frogmarched him to the loo and gave him some rubber gloves and bleach and made him clean the toilet. I'm pretty sure his no toilet flushing stopped swiftly after that.

I shall have to remember this!!

OP posts:
BoohooWoohoo · 02/07/2023 23:16

A lot of preschoolers can manage a lot of that list. Eg flushing a loo and dirty clothes in the laundry basket

FunnysInLaJardin · 02/07/2023 23:16

my 13 yo will take his plates to the kitchen, put his clean washing away, re make his bed with clean sheets etc, make his own lunch and breakfast and generally help around the house if asked.

He also gets himself to any activities on his bike and makes his own way home/ down to town after school

Original poster
mysparkleismissing · 02/07/2023 23:18

NuffSaidSam · 02/07/2023 23:13

If anything it's too light a list.

The only thing I think is a bit harsh is the 9pm bedtime. I think that's really early for a 12 year old....and then colouring in if he's not tired?!

It seems like you treat him like he's a lot younger than he is. Are there any areas where he wants more freedom/responsibility? You could use those to bargain on the house stuff. He needs to take more responsibility (flushing the toilet!!), but maybe along with that he needs a bit more freedom.

I agree with you.
I'd want him to do more to be honest this isn't enough and most of it is general stuff like others have said.
He goes to bed 'early' cos he's up at 530/6 in the morning without fail. Letting him stay up just makes him grumpier and emotional.
Maybe not colouring but amusing himself without technology which is a big ask!

OP posts:
quietnightmare · 02/07/2023 23:18

Toddlers are capable of the list you have made. Mine does all these things except the homework obviously and the dishwasher because we don't have one and would be dangerous.

You have literally asked a child who is almost a teenager to do the bare minimal.

Explain to him if he doesn't want to do the list then he can do the following list which really will be hard work for him. Just give him the choice

-clean the car inside and out weekly

  • clean the bathrooms including the toilet twice a week
  • do an online food shop with a set budget - once a week
-hoover every room in the house twice a week
  • clean the window indie obviously - once a week
  • clean the plug holes - one a week
  • cut the grass - once a week
  • put a wash on and hang out to dry - whenever required
  • zero screen time until homework is done - everyday